november 23rd, 2004
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something i wrote in reply to someone:

"this is a lot of exactly i am going through right now, too.
although i did get to make that one "perfect" piece , imo, for me, which was my album "spool forka dish". although i would like to make an even more perfect one later.
but just knowing i made that, i can die happy..but sad that not as many people got hear it although maybe by some weird accident more people will hear it when i die. who knows?
or maybe it will just rot and collect dust somewhere.

you know i've always been obsessed with collecting and documenting.
and i've gone through and peeled through and analyzed the gazillion layers as to why...and i don't know if i will ever be able to truly "let go" of the doing of it and it can drive a person mad. all the little beauties and truths left behind.
but the death thing in general..and the end of the world thing...
i mean..why document if it will not be held in time FOREVER? (i'm so dramatic).
i guess i just have my little hope the the "akashic records" are true and everything IS recorded in time.

anyway, i've been up for about 36 hours now and i cannot be cohesive about any of this, and i want to go off into a million tangents on this but i'm too tired and fried.

but i must say i really do wish i had been a photographer back when i was a child, because i really didn't know then that my grandparents and relatives would be the LAST of the "old time" farmers. the norwegian and swedish farmers. i didn't know that would be a way of life that would not be around forever. and now they are dead, and their stories are gone, and i never really got to know them, and i never documented them, and i have so many questions, and i miss the old farm sooooo much and dream about it a lot.
the red barn and the humming of the electric fences and the cows and the dirt roads and my grandma teaching me how to make dumplings and the wildcats. god , i just want to go back there and smell it again. and i want to experience it NOW as an adult , too!
and the farmers...especially my quiet gentle norwegian grandpa for which i have his eyes?
who was this man? and will i ever see him again in the next life?

and i have my great grandmothers crocheted bedspread. and now i crochet.
i want to knwo what she thought of as she crocheted it.
who was this woman?
so many things i want to say but i am too tired to type it all...

thank you for inspiring me to type at ALL :)"

11:50pm

other pets are now dying suddenly in my friend lives.
their is weird major change mojo going on....
and not just because of pets, but i can feel it in almost everyone and everywhere. major letting go and rearranging.
and also about taking even better care and appreciation with what you have.

i had about an hour of sleep today. how many hours have i been awake.
i don't even know.
i am buzzing. i hate the hyper tired feeling.
too tired to sleep.
i hope there is a good c2c on tonight.
i need to nuzzle my love beasts in bed.
today was a stressful day but it's over now and i think things are on the upswing again.

deiter still can't move without pain but he does seem in better spirits.
better give him his medication again now.

i can't believe it is almost the end of 2004.
this has been a very intense year.

 

5:27pm

poor little pooka dog didn't get as much attention today.

 

5:04pm

i feel a LOT better now that i know he didn't swallow anything bad!
i am so relieved!

5:00pm
another update:
he pooed and it was normal!
(haha i can't believe i am updating you with this, this is bordering on ridiculous! but i am a worried mom with her baby!)

4:48pm
further update.
he just drank some water and ate some food, so that is a good sign :)
and his x ray doesn't show that he has eaten anything foreign, like anything metallic or plastic or something. but it does show he has a lot of poop! haha :) well, maybe i won't be FRAMING that x ray, but i can't wait to see it. i've never seen inside my dog before. i knew he was full of poop. poo and love. lol. i feel better knowing he didn't swallow anything like a tack or something.

4:02pm

took a nap for an hour. that's all i could do.
so nervous.
deiter is still being listless and still squealing in pain when he moves.
i sure hope these pills he has will make him better ina few days.
and i still don't know what is up with the x ray.
i called but the doctor had not gotten to it yet because they have been so busy today, so i still await the results of that.

my stomache is in knots.

tonight is movie night at jason's. we are going to watch "saved".
i don't feel very social, tho, but i do want to see the movie.
i doubt carolyn will come tnight since her cat died :(
i feel so horribly sad for her :(

1:10pm

deiter update:

as soon as i got deiter to the vet, he stopped screaming and yelping and in fact, uttered not a sound!
but they said that dogs will do this if they feel they are in danger, they will just pretend to be totally fine.
also, they said because of the adrenalin rushing through him, he could be feeling a lot less pain.
so anyway, since he wouldn't make a sound, it was hard to tell just where he hurt!
so frustrating!
but the gave me some pain meds that i will give him once a day.
and they said he had a minor intestinal bug, which was not much of a big deal, but gave me a pill for that. they said it could be that, but they seemed to think it was really too minor to cause THAT much pain as i had described.
and i made them take an x ray, but the 1st one came out too light.
so they took a second one and then they are going to call me with the results on that later today.
the cool thing is, they are going to let me keep the x ray! so i am going to get it laminated and stick it on my wall or window :)
i just had to get an x ray to be totally sure i had done everything i could to make sure he was ok.
so, i'm waiting to hear the results on that. but in every other way he seemed perfectly healthy to them.

and something truly hilarious happened, too. when they stuck the thermometer up his butt (which i was SURE was going to finally get him screaming in pain at them) he flipped his tail UP and started WAGGING IT!
and after that he seemed a lot happier!
well, now we know a bit more about deiter, eh?

he is a WEIRD ONE! i knew he was weird, but he just gets funnier by the minute even when he is sick.

now he's on my floor again taking a nap. i hope the pain pill works for him and i can get a nap in, too, because i am EXHAUSTED! i am beyond exhausted. i got 15 minutes of sleep only. i had 1/2 a can of chef boyardee beef ravioli and 1/2 a can of holiday spice pepsi, and now i must see if i can get in a BIT of a nap. i am so frazzled.

oh, and it only cost me 111 dollars! and i thought it was gonna cost like 300 or something so i was RELIEVED it was way less i had to pay then i thought i was going to have to. *whew*

+++

in terrible terrible terrible tragic tragic news today, my best friend coojie's best friend of a cat, bustah, died suddenly today :(

it was scary to read that 5 minutes before i was going to the vet. and my heart goes out to her...i have no words to express how sorry i am for her and her loss. :( :( :(

10:45am

god! what a HORRIBLE day!
my best friend's cat just suddently died!
WTF??
gah.

9:14am

called the vet and they can see him at 11:30am.
augh. i want them to see him now. should have just gone down there and made them see him now.
i told them i anyone cancelled that they should call me.
i mean they close at noon!
is 1/2 an hour really long enough?

off to lay in bed and be miserable for another 2 hours, desperately tired and nervous.

and my poor deiter most of all, can't even move an inch without pain. god, they should see him now!
aaarrrrrghhhhhhhhh.

and the stupid sun shining through my window today almost feels like an insult.

8:19am

well, i think i got about 15 minutes of sleep.
i hate this hallucinatory feeling of being up all night.
everything feels brittle. even the birds sound like stifled screams. the sun is piercing.
1/2 asleep having 1/2 dream vision things of bird wings and butterflies and snail shells and insects and aliens all shrieking out the golden spiral in fractals of piercing sunrise colours.

so nervous. 45 minutes til the vet opens. may as well run a bath and get dressed.

6:47am

me asleep? why would i be asleep?

6:21am

6:10am

still awake.
might try again to sleep now. get 2 hours on an hour in of sleep, if i'm lucky.

5:25am

i've reset my alarm to go off at 9am, since that is when the vet opens and i can call and see if i can bring him in there.and if not there, then i'll bring him to the other place.

ack, he just screached out in pain again as he tried to switch sleeping positions.

GOD.

i don't know how i can sleep.
i keep getting on the floor with him to comfort him and sing him little songs.
my poor little busha bo...

i was all set to try and sleep again, then his poor hurting squeals.
now my adrenaline is going through my system again and we are both quivering.

i need a coke.

my poor little monkey. my little ham sandwhich. :(

4:42pm

interesting news story about dolphins

oh, and U2's new cd is out today! yippee :)

4:38am

still awake.
suckfest.

3:48am

ah, i figured out the macromedia thing and i can change the fonts again.

i can't sleep :/

http://www.crystalinks.com/dogon.html

http://www.barry.warmkessel.com/barry/NOAH.html

2:03am

now i have done something weird to my macromedia dreamweaver where i cannot change this font.
i have no idea what i did. it just says "no css style" in this place where i used to be able to change the font.
gah. i don't even know what that means.
i really need to take a class on macromedia dreamweaver to understand this thing once and for all.
man, i am just not with it.
i'm listening to c2c now.
set my alarm for 8am.

 

1:30am

i didn't drink the rest of the coffee i made today, so i put in a glass to drink by my bedside table so i could drink it 1st thing when i wake up so i can get to the vet. and i have a glass of water by my bed, too.

well, because i am so preoccupied i just drank the COFFEE instead of the water.
nice going, me.

12:45am

the more i think of it, i wonder if he ate too big of a piece of a rawhide chew and that is lodged in him somewhere causing him pain?
my vet opens at 9am, but only stays open til 12pm. how odd is that?

i did find a 24/7 place i can take him and i'd take him now if i had a car or cash for a cab. maybe the cab takes debit cards.
i'm monitoring him and if he shows any signs or worsening i will figure out which cab company will take a debit card.

the emergency place has a $94.00 fee first off.
then they will probably x ray.
this is going to be expensive, i can see.
but he is my dumpling and i'd give anything in the world for him.

must sell more hats!

he's laying here by me and i've wrapped him in my sweatshirt because he won't even crawl to the pillow which is only i inch away.
he keeps looking up at me with sad puppy dog eyes.

maybe i will sleep on the floor with him to make him feel better.

send my little piglet some healing juju!

november 22nd, 2004

11:21pm

there is something wrong with my dog, deiter :(
something is causing him pain when he moves but i cannot see anything wrong with him. sometimes he can walk, but he cannot jump onto the bed. and then sometimes even when he walks he squeals in pain.
i've checked his toes and toenails and skin and i don't see any cuts or slivers or anything wrong.
i don't know if he sprained a leg or where his pain is exactly :(

he is a very boisterous and active dog, tho, he romps and jumps and runs every day...so this is totally out of the blue.

i just tried to move him to the bed (he seems fine when he lays still)
and he just SQUEALED in pain, so now i do not even know how i am going to transport him to the vet tomorrow, which is about 5 blocks away.

but if i cannot even move him an inch without causing him severe pain to the point that he squeals louder than i've ever heard him squeal...how i am going to even pick him up and put him in a bag to get him to the vet???

i am at a loss what to do!!!

what a day..and my poor little pooh bear.
his tail is between his legs and he is quivering :(
he wasn't quivering until i tried to move him up to the bed...god,i feel so awful for trying to move him! (ok, he stopped quivering now..*whew* )

argh! what should i do???
how can i get him to the vet?
are their vet places that will come and sedate a dog to take him?
but if they sedate him will they be able to tell what happened to him??

this just happened out of the blue, as far as i can tell.
he wasn't even roughhousing around, i just heard him squeal from the other room this afternoon when i was in the other room. and he was just on the bed.
and there is nothing on the bed that is sharp or anything.

i don't know what happened..and i don't know how i am going to transport him tomorrow without causing him a lot of pain!!

10:36pm

a cool thing:

http://www.cyphic.net/zoomquilt/zoom.htm

10:20pm

*whew* what a day!!!
i think i've emailed everyone now who i didn't know their password to readd them.
hopefully they will all reply!
(except i had one email bounce on me...gah.)

thanks to jason for helping me on this! he is such a whiz!
and helping me after a long tiring day at work that he had :(
but now he has the rest of the week off. yay

so i THINK it's pretty much all ok now...i hope....

and now for the past few hours deiter has been squealing in pain about something and i can't figure out what!
my poor little pooh bear!
it hurts for him to walk sometimes and he cannot jump onto the bed . :(
so i've put a pillow on the floor for him and he stays by me being like a sad sad dog and i pet him and love him and pamper him.
i've checked his toes and toesnails and skin and i can't find any cuts or scrapes or slivers or anything wrong...
i have no clue as to what happened or to where or why he is in pain :(
did he sprain an anle or twist a muscle somewhere??

so tomorrow 1st thing, i'm taking him to the vet. :(

9:15pm

ana2 fixed!
ok, all ana2 members should be able to get in now!
yay to fetik3!

but a few of you , i didn't know the password for you, if this is you and you cannot get in still, email me at ana101@hotmaill.com and tell me so i can fix it asap!

(not like if you can't get in you can even READ this message)

7:13pm

ok, so...
they finally called me and i will save you the boring tech details.
but all the usernames and passwords will be restored by the end of tomorrow at the latest. (maybe even tonight) they were all erased :( augh.
long story. disk was too full. unix. blah blah. in the future my server and i will both be making backups of this!
so, i have to go in and find all the usernames and passwords that are all saved in separate emails and put them in notepad and jason has made a programme that can add them all back so i don't have to type them all in again.

but there are a few of you who were receiving free ana2 because you won the anapix contest and such that i might not have your password on file...so...if, when i update you further here in lj when all the usernames and passwords are working again and you try yours and it's not working, please email me at ana101@hotmail.com and i will fix it.

i'll will let you know, here, in my lj when all the usernames and passwords have been restored.

again, thank you for your patience and understanding.
in the over 7 years i have been doing this, this has never happened to me before...so i just had no idea it could even happen. but there you have it!
and it won't happen again!
it wasn't my fault that it happened, but it was my fault i didn't make a backup (and my server should have made a backup too). which i didn't think to do because i'm not a techhead and i just didn't think to do it.

i'm sorry about this, but sh*t happens, as they say. and thank you for your patience.

5:24 pm

well, i have this feeling that i am not going to be hearing back from the tech guy today. everyone else from my server has gone home :(
i have no idea why he didn't contact me, it's really unlike him, he usually gets back to me right away! i don't know what to say!

hopefully this will all be figured out by morning :(

thank you for your patience and understanding...nothing like this has ever happened before with my site!

4:09pm

watching oprah's "favourite things" show now as i wait...
i can't do anything else because knowing i may be interrupted by the phone any minute makes me unable to concentrate so my day has just gone to heck as i wait and wait and wait.

3:57pm

put up 4 new anapix

haven't heard from the tech guy. unreal.

 

3:45pm

i cannot do ANYTHING until this tech guy calls me!
he better call! everyone else from my server is leaving for the day :( aaa!
and i cannot do anything if i am waiting for the phone because whatever is i am going to do, i know i am about to get interupted any second, and that makes me not be able to concentrate.
fffffffffuck.
so all i can do is just sit here and type...and none of you can even get into ana2 to read it!
this is very irritating and i should not have had that cup of coffee because that just added to nerves, but at least i don't have a headache anymore, which is why i had it in the 1st place.
ffffuuuccckkk.

just sitting here, typing...and typing back to other ana2 members who cannot get into ana2, letting them know what's going on...
i walk from one room to the other because my webmaster email is on the other computer in the thing room.

3:29pm

still waiting to hear back from the tech guy! *taps fingers intensely*

2:45pm

ok, i can't get into ana2 and neither can anyone else, it seems. gah.
i called my server and told them and they are contacting the tech guy so we can get this sorted out!

so now i am sitting here waiting by the phone instead of getting to the post office.

*sigh*

12:24pm

unsettling dreams stuck in my head, of course.
had the 2nd dream now that my manager , bobby z (i suppose he really isn't my manager anymore since i haven't done music in 5 or 6 years and i think our contract ran out, but i'm still going to call him my manager, since that is how i think of him) was very distraught and drunk and that he and his wife had separated.
i hope everything is ok with him. i'm sure it is.
i'm sure this is just a symbol for something going on in my own life, but i have yet to figure out exactly what.
but i really do want to call him.
i haven't talked to him in so long.
last time i talked to him was to ask him if he knew any connection to courtney love because i wanted to get my cds to her and try out for her band. but that never did work out, and thank god, as you can see what is happening to her today :(

anyway, i should call him. i WANT to call him. but i only want to call him when i have written about 3 new songs, or maybe even just one, to show him.
so we can get together and maybe think of making music together again.
i hope he will still want to. i think he will.
but i really need to get on the ball and make new music.

I just need to set it all up somehow in the thing room.
trying to get rid of stuff in there to make room for anything at all to be set up in there.
i also think both of my fostex 4 tracks are broken, and so i think i will need to get another 4 track.
or maybe an 8 track, although 8 tracks have so many more knobs on them and once it gets too compliacated for me, it takes all the fun out of making music for me. i'm not really a techhead.
i like to just plug in my instrument into the hole and press record.
and then i can add more treble or bass and pan it more to the left or the right. that is really all i need.

i am really excited to make another album again. i sure hope bobby will be for it.
he owns his own studio now so that works out great.
he even said david kahne would be interested in collaborating again, too! but that was a few years ago when he said that. david kahne is amazing. he is brilliant.

and then also, i think i may contact steven severin again, he was the bassist for siouxie and the banshees and wanted to do some music with me long long long ago and i see he still links to me from his website.
so, i can see where that goes, too.

and of course, i have my brilliant boyfriend who can make incredible sounds and music :)

and i'll bet dr. fink would add a bit, too. i can always use him! he is one of the best keyboardists in this entire city plus he has all the gorgeous moog synths.

and what would be SUPER cool, if i had the dough, would be to fly some of The Pretty Things in to add something! i know i could get dick taylor to do it, at least :) and i should really call him, too, and see how he is. i haven't talked to him in a few years either. time goes so fast!

i even have the phone # of gina from the raincoats who was going to be the director of my video when i was on columbia. it would have been SO COOL, if we could have made it. *sigh*
i wonder if she still has the same phone #?

ok now i'm a little tweaked out on coffee.
and i have so much i need to do today, mail out a lot of things.
and go to the bank, too.
i may skip the bank part and just at least mail stuff out.

what i really want to do is clean the thing room and set up my musical equipment and see if it all still works.

when i write music again, i have NO idea what will come out of me.
seriously none. i think it will be very dark, tho.
since i have gone through a lot of bad times in the last few years.
i guess all my albums have been pretty dark, but i think this one is going to be REALLY dark.
but heck, i just don't know. i never know what will happen with it, just like my hats.