| november
18th, 2004 |
||
11:06pm
in the middle of this i must still
wash the dogs.
2 are squeaky clean now (sebastian and pooka. they are the furriest and most
apt to be dirty).
my dad writes me back about my messages to him (rare) and her (mom) message
to me that is i must contact her NOW or it will
be too late or she will die (and she tells my dad she is not being overlydramatic...and
maybe...i believe her but i will not have a fucked up relationship with her...still
my heart shatters into pieces so small it cannot be counted).
my dad also informs me of my brothers
impending death.
amphetemines.
how can i save him?
i am dying of sorrow. i need a vacuum
cleaner. my eyes and heart are full of salty fluid.
i need sex, communion.
communion. and a vacuum cleaner.
i need a garden that even yields
one mutant carrot.
i need a house with a leaky roof. anything.
i need sanctuary.
all my family is dead, the rest are dying, the rest lie to me and are dying, and 2 i love.
all this is an illusion,
i'd jump off a bridge into the mississippi if i didn't have my puppies and jason.
i would. i'd love to walk to the bridge now and shoot myself and jump off. it's true when you have children you do not have the luxury of dying.
but my babies need me. and tomorrow
the sun may shine.
and i adore the sun.
and i make the soup and the string.
i need comfort.
i am so spoiled compared to people in iraq.
still i ache and need to be spooned.
and my dad had eye surgery and can
see better now. how miraculous!
my dad gets more fragile all the time.
i do not mean to deify him, but he is the only family i have.
i want him to see.
i am afraid of growing old. but c'est la vie.
when i asked you if i should have
no plastic surgery...none of you said a word.....
10:40pm
i know i don't talk about it much,
but at jason's request..but this time i don't think he would mind and i must
say it.
we just had the sweetest most hilarious sex attempt. you know the kind where
you both ate too much pizza and you both are laughing too hard that no one
can be on top comfortably?
i'll never forget that moment.
8:21pm
godfuckingdammit, i miss sonia5.
where is she?
why why?
why i have not even had a dream of her??
godfucking dammit, sonia, i fucking
miss you so fucking much.
i hope when i die i see you again.
you keep me going in life. and you make me have something to look forward
to in death.
7:07pm
i need a vacuum cleaner. i need one
badly since mine broke.
3 years of ana2 to anyone who will give buy me this
vacuum cleaner
seriously, you know i would not ask if i were not desperate!
i have 3 dogs!
i NEED this vacuum cleaner.
i'm dying here in dog hair. i am struggling just to pay my electric bill.
please, for the love of god, please, someone buy me this vaccuum cleaner,
or i will trade something else for it.
name what you want. i am up for bargaining.
i NEED to keep my floors clean for my sanity.
or as howie so wisely pointed out:
+++
i asked my mailing list how they
found my list and why they joined and i really should have saved all the emails
although i have saved about 1/2. every single person, and it's been over a
hundred email so far, has a different answer. it's amazing!
i am getting some very interesting answers. some i am still thinking about.
some people were assholes to me saying "more nude pictures!!!"
but 99% of epople were really sweet and kind and forthcoming in their responses.
but i have to say i think i've received
the most touching email i have ever received today from a female in regards
to this question. a woman was being abused by men and writing poetry online
about it, a man gave her my url and told her to go to my site, and she did,
and she found the inspiration through my site to stop the abuse.
she says she thinks of me as her big sister.
this is exactly like what i said to tori amos when i 1st met her.
*tears*
i can't say more than that because it's such a huge subject.
but that email just made my entire YEAR!!
+++
in other news, i think oprah and
these "cleaning ladies" from australia she had on her show today
were exceptionally cruel to this poor woman who had a very messy and unsanitary
house. oprah and these ladies treated her like she was an insane pig.
i might write a letter to oprah for the 1st time ever about this.
because she was obviously completely unknowledgeable and insensitive as to
why someone's house could ever get that messy...the depression..the feeling
of being overwhelmed.
http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200411/tows_past_20041118.jhtml
i love oprah, you know i do, but sometimes something smacks up against her paradigm that she cannot relate to, and she reacts in a very insenstive way.
not very often, but sometimes.
and i love oprah because most always recognizes this later and then grows
as a person.
6:53pm
are the downloads of musiq and anamates
working for people?
feedback? anyone?
6:14pm
mouseovers:
4:00pm
i'm going to make mouseovers and
stuff out of these later. and funny captions and stuff.
but for now, i'm just getting them up for you in their raw form because it's
such a busy day!
i wanted to do pix with my nikon of me like this, but now it's 4pm and i haven't
even eaten today!
and thanks , howie,
for the link to how to put your hair in rags :)
i think i did a pretty ok job, tho, eh? :)
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12:59pm
holy crap! i look like some sort of frizzy clown shirley temple!
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more photos to come! eee! lol :) i kinda like it...i think!
12:27pm
i uploaded a ton of "anamates",
too
although there are a few silly wav files in there, too.
this should keep you busy for awhile!
:)
i'm sorry if any of these files don't work for you because you are on a mac
or something...whatever it is that could keep some of these files from not
working for some of you.
i hope they DO work for all of you. if some don't work for you,i really don't
know what to tell you but i'm sure you could ask "under the bed"
as to what you may need to view some of these files.
again, i don't feel like making all
the links at this moment.
but in case you want to type them out yourself, here are some screen prints
of the names and the folder they are in.
simply type:
http://anavoog.weblogimages.com/anamate/
and then name of the file.
for example:
http://anavoog.weblogimages.com/anamate/35.avi
i don't give you permission to share
these files.
please use them for your personal enjoyment only.
thank you :)
and please don't give these urls out to people.
i wish i could tell how much of my
1GB of storage i have used up.
i would think that once i go past the limit it wouldn't let me upload anymore.
so...i guess i'll just keep uploading here and tehre until it doesn't let
me anymore??