november 14th, 2004
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10:07pm

i was feeling pretty grounded.
now i feel out-of-sorts again.
i hope i can piece myself back together quickly...like in a few hours.
i want to get back to where i was.
i feel exposed again, vulnerable.
nervous, jittery.
i want to just be asleep.
i don't want my mind to think.
i want to switch off.
i hope i don't remember any of my dreams i will have tonight (unless they are good).
i want a dreamless sleep.

my dad had a big day, too.
before he went to the opera with me, he had church services, gave communion and baptized a baby.
my dad is so intense.
lots of funerals lately for him , too.
and one was a suicide.
my dad does a lot.
i'm glad i don't have to do anything like that.

7:55pm

i'll try to get it out sentence by sentence.
or at least ...a bit , i don't know.
a lot to take in...or get out or both or neither.
i feel overloaded.
i'm glad i have my dad. at least he doesn't think i am crazy.
he says my mom thinks i am.
my mom calls him and tells him all her side of the story, as usual. and so he talked to me on behalf of her.
my poor dad, mediator in the middle... he hates it.
and i never ask of him to be mediator because i know he hates it.
anyway, i think he understood what i had to say, at least he said he did and seemed to.

then my brother, not good.
he's drinking again. calls my dad up at 1am shivering and quivering from withdrawal.
my brother already has a weak heart from his drinking as well as weak everything from all the drinking and stress.
my brother could die any minute now. he even tried crack. thank god my brother cannot afford it.
i feel helpless and numb and overloaded from it.
i was never close to my brother. he was an ass to me.
so complicated.
but if he dies i will, of course, have a hole in me.
i wish there was something i could do.
maybe there is, but what it is, i don't know.

my family is really fucked up.

i feel like the sanest one, and THAT, is darky hilarious.

i love my dad.
i even love my mom, or i love what she was...
and i don't want my brother to die this awful death he is dying.

life is fucked.

i need to snuggle my dogs now.
but i don't feel calm enough to settle down.
i feel electrified.
i've given everything i have today.
i need solace.
i need security.
i need sanctuary.

7:46pm

what an INTENSE day.
madame butterfly and then my dad and i talking about my mom for hours afterwards.
i can't even type about it.
too much to ingest.
my whole being is vibrating.

12:00pm

the warm sea breeze hat

 

11:34am

got up at 10am. actually woke up earlier than that. nervous sleep. stupid nervous dreams.
i always gets os nervous when i get together with my ada, even tho i am always elated to see him.

getting caught up reading bill nelson's diary:

http://www.billnelson.com/diary.htm

1:24am

crocheted for over 7 hours in a row and finished a very cool hat for someone.
i'm so pleased with it :) my hand is totally cramped up from crocheting that much nonstop.
now i must get to sleep because tomorrow i'm going to madame buterfly with my dad. i'll be gone all afternoon for that.
i'm excited because i've never seen that opera and i've heard it's beautiful :)