november 12th, 2004
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a hard time tonight for me with some issues,
i hope sleep will fix some of it.
it's bizarre to me on one level i can be never more happy and inspired with life and in the next moment i want to jump off a bridge.
i'm ok, tho.
i need sleep.
life is a tumultuous bread pudding and once in awhile you come across an olive in it and go gahhh! an olive in my bread pudding!

time to squish with my monsters and cocoon.

7:58pm

i feel happy even tho i cry.
paradox.
i'm letting the universe in now...which is why i am so inpspired.
to feel such joy is to feel such sadness.
but not like an open sponge at random as i felt before...
at the mercy of negative energy.
but as jason so said today "i am in a screened in porch"
i think this might be the most "aware to my state of being" thing he has ever said, or maybe anyone has ever said to me that knew me in "real life" (how i hate that term).
i feel "seen" in that moment.
i feel "seen"

and i revel in that brief moment.

7:54pm

religion and spirituality

a sense of humour about one's own spirituality is essential to spiritality, imo.

this is why *I* prefer buddha laughing over christ on a cross (although i understand why BOTH are essential symbols).
just *my* personal preference and what i resonate with the most or at least WANT to resonate with. i even feel that jesus probably had a very great sense of humour although it doesn't get focused on as much.
for one thing, i think jesus walking on the water and the disciples kind of almost doing it for a bit and then sinking is rather funny.
i also think that jesus making many fishes and loaves of bread like rabbits out of hats is very humourous. not everything he does is funny, of course, as well as it should be. but i'm just saying, i think there is a lot of humour here, in a very very good ESSENTIAL way.

i've noticed, in general, that people who are more "religious" tend to be less "spiritual", and people who are more "spiritual" tend to be less "religious".

i've also witnessed, from my experience, that the more religious people are the less a sense of humour about their religion they have and then are more apt to feel "attacked", personally, if someone does something that they deem as offensive to their religion and they are more threatened, in general by other religions because they (i am assuming) feel their is not enough "space" for all types of religions. this has been the undoing of mankind, in general, imo. religion without spirituality.

people who are more grounded in "spirituality" do not get as offended as often by things like "south park" because they know south park is not attacking them personally but the hypocrisy of the religion, not the "true spiritual essence" of it. if you are grounded in your spirituality nothing can "topple" you from it. imo, "god" doesn't "care" about things like parodies on herself. god INVENTED parodies and revels in them. it keeps things in check and balance because, IMO, humour is just as essential as seriousness and vice versa. and humour should be taken seriously and seriousness should be taken humouressly.
and humour without spirituality is just vulgar and seriousness without humour is just arrogant.

this goes for all religions, christian, islamic, new age, buddhist, etc.

and i stress here AGAIN, IN MY OPINION, FROM MY EXPERIENCE ONLY, FROM WHAT I HAVE WITNESSED, AND ONLY IN GENERAL, THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE.

i understand that religious people can be very spiritual and spiritual people can be very religious but i have noticed that the 2 do not go hand in hand, most often. and i know that many people have pointed this out before me, but i'd just like to point it out again.
not to condemn or spread hate or make anyone above another, but just to perhaps enlighten, inform, or spread a different perspective.

i say this because i see such pain in regards to this and it causes ME pain.

imo, god has a sense of humour. s/he made giraffes and platypusses and jellyfish, for crying out loud.
elephants and penises and pumpkins!
boobs and vaginas? funny!
poop and weeping willow trees.
it's also a dark sense of humour, just as you create something, it's detroyed, just as you figure something out, you're dumber than you thought.
this is funny stuff!

IMO, does god care if i post a fictional painting of "him" smoking a cig?
no! s/he has better things to do! plus, since, IMO, i am PART of god, i am god making fun of itself. and THAT is funny.

i reiterate because *i feel* it is very important (but not important enough t kill people over):
a sense of humour about one's own spirituality is essential to spiritality, imo.

what do you think? (and i do not ask this very often, but this time i am, fear not those who do not agree with me:) speak your mind)

5:50pm

got to the bank. deposited 2 cheques.
shut down 2 checking accounts because i don't need them.
now i just have my business account only.
got my watch back from the jewelers. they had it for 4 months! i'm glad it was still there.
cost $65 to fix it.
perused magazines but stopped myself from buying any.
perused lingerie but stopped myself from buying any.
didn't get many pictures taken but it was good to get outside and walk.
found a place that sells clove cigarettes. in a fit of nostalgia i bought some.
listened to jeff buckley on my walkman.
going back and forth on the plastic surgery issue.
of course, as with everything, i have 2 opposite minds about it.
one of me wants to get it all done always (universe willing i could afford it here and there ever)
the other part of me just wants to age naturally and just say fuck it.
i think i would say fuck it except for the one biggest nagging thing about aging is looking more and more like my mother.
that is my biggest problem. not so bad to age maybe, but bad to look like my mom.
i know so sad to say. pathetic maybe. but a very compelling reason for me.
the more i look like her, the more i can just see her saying "i look ugly, i'm fat and old and ugly".
and i see her so unhappy in her body all of her life. not just because of how she always was overweight, but because she was always sick with something. she was never friends with her body. she just hated it and looks miserable to be in it.
now i am not miserable to be in my body. and i've always been pretty healthy. i just take the medicine for the migraines. but other than that, no major health problems...well, anxiety and depression but you know..not like allergies or diabetes or fibromyalgia or artheritis or whatever.
and i'm NOT my mom. i know i am not her. that is obvious.
but it is really really really really really hard to undo all the "programming" i have had from her throughout my entire life that looking like her equals ugliness and looking like her equals being unhappy.
she just drilled that into me from day one.
and so, it seems impossible for me to "undo" something that powerful.
and there are other things i'd rather being doing in my life than sitting around trying to "work through" that.
like i already went through the whole "do i want big boobs because society made me want them or do i want big boobs because my mom had them or do i want big boobs because i was never breast fed or do i want big boobs because i just happen to like big boobs?"
i never did solve that question.
and i thought about it for 10 years, and then went, fuck it.
i want big boobs, i like big boobs, i'm not going to waste ANOTHER decade of my life trying to separate why i like something from my "pure" identity and my society and my biology and my psychology.
i just like big boobs. that is just the way it is.
so, i ended that puzzle because i just have other things i'd rather think about!
got some big boobs, and boom....moved on. case settled.
it was very calming just to "be" with it and not try to analyze it any more.
who cares WHY i like big boobs. i just DO.

same with this mom thing. i just don't want to spend my time and energy trying to "heal" this piece of my mother in me by learning to love "how she looks". because not only then do i have to heal this part of her in me, but i also have to come to terms with the fact that every frickin time i look in the mirror i have to be reminded of her betraying me.
and do i need THAT on top of everything else in this life?
no i do not! i have OTHER things i'd rather concentrate on.
it is a wonderful FREEING thing when you realize that you don't HAVE to "work on" and "heal" every friggin aspect of yourself you might have a problem with.
i'm never going to be "whole" or "perfect" or "pure" or "completely healed".
and i free myself from every thinking it HAS to be that way.

like with the boob thing or the wanting to be thin thing.
or wanting to look younger and not like my mom thing.
i just give in to these things because i have other things to do and concentrate on.
like making art and having fun and doing my thing and thinking about stuff i want to think about...like how the universe works, etc.
and i realize all this stuff about my body is part of the universe and how it works just as much as anything else is.
but that is just not an area i want to put all my energy into.

because my MIND is weird enough. my thoughts, my ideas, my being, my existence, is weird enough and clashes enough with society...i don't need my BODY "working against me" , too.

i don't know who of you in here can relate to me on this.

but i already stand out so much. i am already so much on the outside and the fringe of everything...
my body is all i have that keeps me "camoflauged", i guess, would be a way of putting it...camoflauged against even further ridicule, scrutiny and pointing fingers. wow, this is so sad. ya, i have issues.
we all do. but i make my issues work for me and not against me, somehow, usually.
it's a balancing act.

i guess it's that "credit in the real world" thing.
i have no credit. i don't hold much value in this society.
i am a woman, and i am an artist, and i am queer.
not only that, but i am a WEIRD woman, and i am a WEIRD artist.
and many would consider me a whore, the lowest form of life.
i am low on the totem pole, so to speak (what does that mean, anyway?)
the only way i could be lower is if i were black and a child.
and i am small at only 5' 2".

i have no savings, no retirement account, no stocks, bonds, no 401K.
i hold no college degrees. in fact, i did not even finish high school because i was so ridiculed there.

that being said, i am so damn proud of myself.
i am SO damn proud of myself for all i have achieved and still will achieve.
i am so full of pride that i have stuck with my integrity almost always (there have been slip ups, it's bound to happen)
but i have 99% stuck with my integrity. really.

i have survived my families issues, i have survived high school and all that did to me, i have survived living way beneath the poverty level, i have survived being sexually assaulted several times, i have survived being stalked several times, i have survived threats on my life, i have survived being hit and punched and strangled, i have survived severe emotional abuse, i have survived being brainwashed and losing my identity, i have survived the insane abusive mysogynistic world of retail, factory work, housekeeping, and THE MUSIC BIZ!, i have survived living in many chaotic environments..living in dining rooms with no doors and cardboard walls..living in party central with all male alcoholics as i was a stripper and on the weekends recorded my 1st serious album with the money. i survived being one of the 1st all female bands or as we are called 'women in rock". and in later life, i have survived my own undoing and self-sabotage and still come out on top.
i continue to survive monthly with all my bills. i continue to be inspired and humbled my earth's beauty.
i continue to, somehow, live in grace and keep my priorities straight and live with integrity and very importantly with HUMOUR!
i continue to self motivate and stay "productive" without losing sight of what "productive" really means.

anyway...so to wrap this up...sort of...
i've been through a lot, i've worked through a lot, i continue to work through a lot, and goddamit i don't have to work through EVERYTHING.

there is more i wis to add to this. a lot more.
and maybe i wll later but now my train of thought has been disrupted 'cause jason got home from work. and i read him what i wrote so far, crying, and wearing my pink poodle hat from fuzzy, and he says "this is so gummo". lol. my god, well, i hope not that bad :)

anyway, i have also realized, quite a few years back and through a dream i had and also from a few things ducky doolittle said to me that i am a clown. and in the indian culture, and other cultures, the clown or the fool is very important.

more on this later.

12:40pm

this hat was made from yarn i spun from everything!
vintage fabric, shiny sparkly things, angora, camel, shiny icicle, mohair, wool, satin, lace, ribbons!...and even includes a lovely vintage necklace on the front to top it off! perfect for your tea party with invisible gnomes in your bathtub! you won't find another hat like this! be in the envy of faeries!

$75
free shipping :)

11:33am

put up some new anapix

10:35am

i couldn't sleep long again. 6 hours. i wake up nervous.
today i must get to the bank, 'cause i didn't the other day.
it's going to be 41 and mostly sunny today.
i think i'll go in search of things that are red to take pictures of today.
it'll be like a treasure hunt.
i almost finished another hat i made with this mish mash yarn i spun the other day.
it's just a simple shaped hat. nothing fancy 'cause the yarn is fancy enough.
today is the cure "seventeen seconds".
i always break out the cure in the fall and winter.
i'm already getting irritated at "holiday" advertisements.
i forgot that thanksgiving is this month, too.
i already saw a santa on someone's roof.
i wonder if the indians have thanksgiving on the reservations.
if they did, that would be strange.
i feel very odd about thankgiving.
it's good to give thanks, but i don't like we did to the indians.

12:00am

giant orange orbs/pods that grow out of the ground,
brought to you by planet earth.

it was such a wonderful day yesterday.
(which is still today to me since i haven't gone to sleep yet)
fuzzy and i went to detta's for her fiber sale.
i didn't buy any 'cause i don't have $, but she bought me some lime green yarn and a new yarn guide for my wheel 'cause the other one broke. she is so kind :)
we tried to stop at the abandoned house but it had been demolished!
bah.
detta said they demolished it last spring.
BUT, we did find this ENORMOUS field of rotting pumpkins!
these pictures don't do it justice at all. i really needed to have made some sort of panorama of it so you could get the scope of just how large this field was!
fuzzy and i felt like we were on an alien planet with all these orange pods around us, each in it's own state of decay and each one competely beautiful and intricate.
i could have sat there and taken a photos of each of the thousands of pumpkins that were there and each would have been it's own masterpiece in colour and texture.
i could have spent the entire day there studying it and taking pictures.
i wish it hadn't been so cold and also i had a tripod.
and i wish i could have worn a red velvet dress and taken pictures of myself curled around pumpkins and running through the field. the possibilities were endless for surreal photos.
but alas i did not have the time or the resources to do it.
but the images live in the heads of fuzzy and i and maybe they will turn up in a magazine somewhere through osmosis.
and i wanted so much to be laying next to that target deer naked in a full length fur coat and red high heels and and arrow through my heart. if only i had the right clothes and it hadn't been cold and it had been my yard and my deer, then i would have done it! it would have been so cool.

i love the country so much. i love planet earth.
it's s full of such beauty and surprises.
i have decided that i absolutely need a few acres of land just to grow pumpkins on now.
and i want to watch them grow and rot and then grow and rot year after year.
i can't believe those things are created from codes in seeds and made from dirt and air and sun.
and a little code in a seed just knows what to do and it sprouts from the earth.
it's magical and mysterious and amazing and it fills me with such joy about my planet.

i totally have to live in the country someday.
when i am in nature i feel so much more alive and fully aware and fully myself.
i feel fulfilled and that i am living the life i was meant to live.
to be one with my planet exploring all it's surreal beauty and treasures.
nothing makes me more happy that scavenging around on the ground looking for treasures and surprises.
who knew that acres of decaying pumpkins would be one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen?
i wish i was still there now.
i want to build a bonfire in the middle of it and sit there all night and sing to the pumpkins little pumpkin songs.

if anyone saw fuzzy and i they were probably like "what are those weird hippies doing in our pumpkin patch?"
i love her for seeing these beautiful things, too. she was just as amazed as we both kept saying 'ooo, look at THIS one, oo, look at THAT one!"

and when we were at detta's we sat in her livingroom full of spinning wheels and fur and looms and a huge thing on the wall which had all the different types of barbed wire on it (which was really cool), and tiny little spindles, we talked about our grandparents and shared many stories about them and how they affected us and such.
it was such a lovely talk and the sun was streaming through the windows.

and i told her about my grandpa's farm and the treasures there and she told me of her grandparents, too.

and i drank too much coffee and told her a million stories of magical places i had visited on earth here and there and she told me even more.

i wish i could type them all out.

there is so much to see and do.

oh, and the big black dog is "tubby". i had to make the pictures really light so you could see him in it , because he is so black. i'd love a dog like that but boy do they drool!
i want there to be one part of a movie some day where a person walk into a room and all that is in it is that big dog and a small girl with a tiny spindle making thread from the dogs fur.

anyway, i am glad for days like this because it energized me and recharges me and i really needed that.
it felt the same way i used to feel after a day with sonia and getting my hair done and all the talking we would do and stories and dreams we would share.

btw, fuzzy's hat is by unluckymonkey

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nice art:

http://www.tattfoo.com/gallery/artists/index.html