november 3rd, 2004
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8:13pm

make up by richard sharah.

wow, so i am watching "america's next top model" right now, and they did amanda's make up and outfit EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY like this photo, here, of make up done by my dear departed friend, richard sharah, YEARS before.

http://users.bigpond.net.au/richardsharah/
http://us.geocities.com/theblitzkids/richardsharah.html

unbelievable!
they copied the nylon over the head, zippered on one eye and the gold thumbtacks piercing though (i only knew it was thumbtacks because i was so blown away by this photo i asked him how he did it)!!! wow!
i mean fucking come ON!!! come up with your OWN ideas!
i'm glad that his ideas are still so revolutionary and extraordinary and original that people COPY them EXACTLY...but MAN! i mean FINE to be inpired but to COPY it exactly???
(he did the make up also for david bowie in his famous "ashes to ashes" video, and for gary numan and visage etc etc etc and me for my "spool forka dish" album...he was revolutionary and one of the "forefathers" of make up/body painting as art).

if richard were alive now, he'd do a diva bitch slap to whomever did that without acknowledgement of him. gah.

so i am mentioning it here as my own way to avenge richard's name and ingenuity.

6:26pm

i haven't been able to get into my hotmail all day and i have 41 messages in there right now. gah.
i got my "valis" book by philip k. dick
perfect time to lose myself in some science fiction.
i'm lucky i have that luxury and option.
i must admit i am a bit depressed, i don't think the reality of the situation that bush is still in office has fully hit me, and i kind of hope it never does. a lot of people are either in a state of anger or wanting to get really wasted and float away into fantasy.
i can relate.
not to get on the whole illuminati thing again, by ya, here it goes:
this is exactly what they want...to break our spirit and have us give up and dissasociate.
and it's working like a charm.
that kerry conceded so willingly and early (and when so much of the election was so OBVIOULSLY rigged) and then told us now to basically to back bush since we all need everyone to work as a team really proves to me that they are both members of skull and bones working together, just like i knew it.
sure, call me a whacko conspiracy theorist. i don't care.
i know what i see.

i just hope bin laden keeps his word about not attacking states that voted for kerry
(even tho he is just a puppet for the bush family)
not like that was a reason to vote for kerry, but it DOES make me feel better that my states electoral votes went for kerry, just in case.

to tell you the frank truth,
i feel one one side very peaceful and loving, proably more peaceful and loving and rational than i have in quite some time.
i get like this when i am faced with an emergency, i am one of those people who gets calm and rational to balance things out rather than the type that flips out.
when i saw bush was to win, a little switch went off in me and "click" peaceful, loving and rational.
because i have to be.
there is NO other choice for me if i want to survive.
to freak out about this would be to anihilate msyelf and bum out a whole bunch of other people, too.

but then my body...my body is the animal side of me...
running to the bathroom to lose my stomache. instestines in convulsions.
face frowning, looking older, wanting beer for escape.
food, sex, drugs, sleep...

all my sides like facets to a diamond, my actual true self in the middle, watching my body and mind play it out.
different facets of me having all their own internal arguments with each other.

and then watching everyone else's reactions.
nodding and frowning, nodding and frowning, i do.

wanting to cocoon. america's next top model will be on in 10 minutes.
i have some cheap ass 3-2 bud light.
i have doglets who love me.
i have soft yarn and a boyfriend who will soon be home.
i want to make a tent.
light candles and incense.
surround myself in sensualities.
i want everything to be pink.
i am SO lucky i have this luxury to tune out the suffering that our government causes.
(i shudder to use the word "our")
i feel guilty about it.
i think about those who are going to die and suffer in the next 4 years because of the government of the country i was born into.
i feel so guilty i have the luxury of tuning out that which i don't want to witness.
but at the same time, i also know that this luxury will soon be gone for me, too, so i better relish it while i can.
but still, not sit here like a bloated pig being consciously oblivious.

it's such a thin line,
because i also realize that if i only add anger and sadness and hate and fear to this, too,
then i am not only harming myself but harming others, because i believe we are all connected (literally..even quantum physics proves this, at this point).
one of the defining moments of my life was when i read in the (badly named) book "angry women" that annie sprinkle felt it was her DUTY to experience MORE joy whenever she heard about suffering in the world, to help to balance out that pain.

at the time i read that i seriously almost DIED (i mean this literally) from sheer sorrow and rage about what is happening to my precious earth, our mother.
i literally LOST it one day and cried about the poor innocent jellyfish and creatures of the ocean who were dying from our stupidity, selfishness, ignorance, and greed.
call that silly, but that is how deeply i feel this.

and i realized if i continued on that path, i WOULD die, i would literally die of a broken heart. would implode.
and would that do the jellyfish ANY good? would by death be HELPING them?
my answer was no. it would be senseless.

(but at the same time, part of me DOES realize that the earth might be better fof without me...because "society" has set it up so that i cannot even live a decent life where i am not contributing to suffering at almost every step i take...the food i eat, the taxes i pay, the water i waste, etc etc etc. i do NOT feel i am MORE important than a jellyfish or a cow or a head of lettuce. i really don't. i don't see why i would. all life and even things "we" don't consider to be life (like water or rocks or air) is miraculous, to me. it is all equally beautiful, "important", "miraculous", and "holy" i do not consider "consciousness or "intelligence" to be hallmarks of anything "superior".
EVERYTHING is "god" and "god" is everything).

so, while one side of me feels selfish and escapist to have "joy" in the face of suffering, part of me also feels it is my duty to experience as much joy as possible to balance things out.

there was another book, a "new age" book, i'm not sure which one, it might have been one of the "seth" books by jane roberts, where it said that there were many people on this planet who's sole "purpose"/"job"/"duty"/"work"/"play" to "HOLD PEACE" in the minds/souls.
because, and try to imagine this, if we are all connected and one there is a "grid" which connects us all.
there are many "grids" each "vibrating" at it's own frequency/colour/tone.
like the saying "birds of a feather flock together", "thoughtforms" also are magnetically drawn to these grids.
(i put things in parenthese because there are no words really to describe thing sort of thing. it's not physical, it really can't be described except by analogy.)
so...anyway, there are people who "hold peace", meaning they visualize/be/think about "peace, and "hold" it "there" so that if anyone should reach out through prayer or visualization or whatever is the technique of your choice, you can "tap into" this "grid of peace" and "download" it in your system/being.

these "peaceholders" might be people you pass on the street every day. janitors, nurses, homeless people, hermits, people in retail, housewives..those who are unseen. but they quietly, silently, without fanfare, "hold peace" for us all , in case we need it.

they could alsi be people in positions of power, who knows? we just don't know.

bu the thought that there was this gentle janitor out there holding peace for the universe, made me just..so happy.
and i knew at that moment, that is what *I* wanted to so. that is what i aspire to be someday.
i am a long way off, but that is my goal. what i aspire to do and be.
someday....

and so, i struggle with the balance of experiencing joy and peace to hold joy or peace for altruistic reasons, and striving to experience joy and peace because i am selfish. i do not know if it is all in "intent". but maybe. i am trying to learn.

4:55pm

mouseovers:

 

11:55pm

i'm not in shock.
i'm not going to cry.
i am very sad, tho.
and very disappointed.
i can't even write the words about who won.
i can't say his name again.
and i can't say the words "wins" after his name.
i just can't go there yet.

they may have won the option to control the physical world.
and the physical world is a crappier place for it.
but i will not let them ruin my life.
they may have won control of the physical world, but they cannot control my spiritual world, my emotional world, and my inner world of creativity or my soul.
i still have my boyfriend, my dogs, and my yarn, my music, and my spirituality and my soul.
they will never win or control these things ever.

it gives me that much more resolve to better myself as a human being,
to become more spiritual and altruistic, and to give back as much positive energy into this world that i can, in every small way i can.

serendipity and random acts of kindness can not be taken over.
they have not won over love or joy or the vastness of the universe.

like the who's from whoville....we all join hands in a circle and sing our hearts out even tho all the physical aspects of our celebration of joy and giving has been taken from us. we still have left the most important things to give and share with each other. we still have our hearts, and we can still sing and love each other.

and i doubt the grinch in the white house will have a heart that grows, because i don't think he has a heart.
but that is neither here nor there nor can i control that.

i let go of this.
and i return to my life to create more joy despite him/them.

2:39am

i love my dogs.
they save me.

2:00am

ok, my state is for john kerry! yay!....we are only 7 electoral votes from a win for kerry!!
but i am fading...trying to stay awake but fading...
i will try my very best to stay awake as long as possible.

1:36am

OHIO...don't let the earth down...

lyrics from a pretenders song fron the 80's:

THE PRETENDERS: "MY CITY WAS GONE"

I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY CITY WAS GONE
THERE WAS NO TRAIN STATION
THERE WAS NO DOWNTOWN
SOUTH HOWARD HAD DISAPPEARED
ALL MY FAVORITE PLACES
MY CITY HAD BEEN PULLED DOWN
REDUCED TO PARKING SPACES
A, O, WAY TO GO OHIO

WELL I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY FAMILY WAS GONE
I STOOD ON THE BACK PORCH
THERE WAS NOBODY HOME
I WAS STUNNED AND AMAZED
MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
SLOWLY SWIRLED PAST
LIKE THE WIND THROUGH THE TREES
A, O, OH WAY TO GO OHIO

I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY PRETTY COUNTRYSIDE
HAD BEEN PAVED DOWN THE MIDDLE
BY A GOVERNMENT THAT HAD NO PRIDE
THE FARMS OF OHIO
HAD BEEN REPLACED BY SHOPPING MALLS
AND MUZAK FILLED THE AIR
FROM SENECA TO CUYAHOGA FALLS
SAID, A, O, OH WAY TO GO OHIO