october 31st, 2004
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5:26pm

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3:49pm

 

1:23pm

i need advice on how to be "a mother" (or at least a positive female "influence")

as i spin my fabric for days, i have been contemplating how to write the only son of my x boyfriend who wrote to me for insight on his absusive narcissist sociopath dad who i went out with for 4 years from 22-26 years of age.
when i last saw this boy , he was 10, but i think of him as 6 years old.
now he is 22. i never really got to know him, as i only babysat him a few times, and i wasn't really into babysitting.
but now i have this chance to tell him some things. but i need to not make this into a therapy session for me, and i need this not to be about me nor to do anything selfish like try to demonize his father, even tho his father is pretty demonic.
but then i realize that what i say will probably not have much bearing on his relationship with his father, because i am just a girlfriend from long ago to him, and his father is his FATHER. so i flatter myself by thinking i could have some sort of impact.

still...i need to be careful in what i say and how i say it, i feel.
and i don't want to cross any lines that would be inappropriate.
for example, it probably wouldn't be appropriate to share any of his father's sex life with him...but then on the other hand...he is 22 now and the reason he has written me is BECAUSE his father's sex life has ruined his family.
so...

on one hand, since i was never his mother and never felt motherly towards him, and he is 22, i can write to him like an equal, but on the other hand he is still the 6 year old boy, to me, and i feel more motherly NOW towards him than i ever did before.

in fact, to write to him , in the way i will, feels like maybe the most "motherly" thing i have ever done.
maybe because i want to shelter him and help him, and because this is about HIM, not me.
and i am weighing all my options carefully as to benefit HIM the most, and not think of myself in this at all.

it would be easy to make this a little therapy session for myself and go on a tirade against his father for all the abuse he has caused. but i DON'T want to sugar coat it, either.

but, i am really thinking carefully about this to make sure i do this in the right way.
because even tho i am not even close to a key figure in this person's life, i know i can have SOME effect on him.
and i know that many "adults" when i was still a child (and 22 is still very much a child, in many respects) gave me some pretty piss poor advice that ended up hurting me for quite a long while and took me a while to sort through.

so...i feel this is a very important responsibility on my shoulders that i do not take lightly.
to give a son insight on his father.

and it's weird to see this son as practically a carbon copy, outwardly, of his father....
the whole goth negativity thing.
i do not want to wrongly project on this boy, but it seems to me that he is copying his father to get his father's approval, lord knows this boy was never "seen" by his father, because his father is too wrapped up in himself to notice anyone else. his father lives in a fantasyland, literally.
in fact, when i met his faher a few years ago and we sort of reconciled for a bit (until i saw he hadn't changed at all and cut him out of my life again) his father had not even REMEMBERED a lot of the abuse he had done...like almost strangling me, etc. in fact, he said that he looks back on that part of life as if he were living in a story or a movie. you'd have to know him, but he means that quite literally, scarily enough, and i do believe he still lives that way now.

the last straw for his son and 2 daughters (who he started having at age 16) was when he started having a sexual relationship with one of his daughter's best friends. so typical of him. (i think he must be about 45 now, and this girl is 22...gross. especially gross if it's your daughter's best friend)

anyway, you can see the gross out factor of this.

when i went out with him, he would fuck around with me with 16-17 year olds (and he was 28). so...this is a man who refuses to grow up or can't grow up.
he would tell me the reason he liked younger women because he found enjoyment in "corrupting their innocence"
he likes to see himself as a vampire (he built a coffin in our living room, for one thing...yes, he was pretty hardcore), and he IS a vampire, an energy vampire of the worst degree.
and he needs control, and he needs to be looked up to like he is a powerful being, and that can only happen if he continues to prey upon very young girls.

anyway..this is all so intense.

and...i do not want to see his son folow in his footsteps. and i really hope to , at least, interject, SOME respect for women in there so this boy doesn't continue on in his dad's way. not that i think he is...i have no way of knowing, but i am guessing there is a pretty good possibility he will because that is just the way things go.

it's confusing when you become someone to make the other person see you, to become all the love and are in hopes to gain love. and i'm sure this boy is emulating his dad a bit for these reasons. and i'm sure he also genuinely loves skinny puppy and dark things, too, etc. it's so complex.

it's different for me because i was never his SON, i was his girlfriend, but i have done some of these same things to please narcissists. i have become them and mirrored them and lost all sense of self, even tho parts of that were genuinely me, it was hard to tell and sort through.

and again, i must say i don't want to project my own experience onto this boy and say his experience is mine, because i'm sure it's not. i have no idea of this boy's life so far. i can only guess.
but i can make some pretty good educated guesses, i'm quite sure of, but i don't want to be 100% sure, because that would be foolish.

and so....of all these things and so much more than this...so much more...where do i begin?
do i just dive in and let it fly and hope he assimiliates what he wants and discards the rest?
he is 22, after all. and i'm sure he's smart enough to take what he needs from what i may say and discard the things that have no value to him.

i just don't want to do anything "bad" . i don't want to go about this in a wrong or harmful or selfish way.

so...if there is any advice anyone can give me on this, i'd greatly appreciate it.
i just want to get others opinions now, too, and weigh all that in before i go ahead and start communicating with this person and giving them some insight into their dad.

it's interesting to have the chance to tell my story from the perspective of a older motherly adult to a child, rather than of a young girl victim who has been abused by her x boyfriend. it is an interesting twist.
and i want to do the right "motherly" thing.

or do i not approach this as a mother, and i should approach this as just "the x girlfriend from long ago" and i should talk to him as if he were my peer? or a mixture of both, i suppose.

where this boy's actual mother is, i don't know.
i do hope she is still around. when i went out with his dad, she had cancer for awhile,. so i hope she did not have a relapse of that. but she never really seemed "there" as a mother, either. but maybe that was just how she acted around me that everything was hunky dory. she either seemed oblivious to the pain around her, or she was just a not very smart person. i think she just stuffed her emotions and probably was smart (except for the part about having 3 babies at starting at the age 16 with a complete fucktard), probably the reason she got cancer.
but when i talk to this boy, i do nto get a sense that she is a big factor in his life right now, for whatever reason.

+++

i think i do know enough of him to start the dialogue.
he is your typical goth guy (way way way goth), young, disenfranchised, cynical, he is an artist. (a lot like his dad). but smarter because he likes quantum physics.
he is a deep thinker. he is sensitive.
his astro sign is cancer.
he smokes, he drinks, he does drugs, he watches things like donnie darko and listens to NIN. he likes crispin glover and carlos castanada.
he wants to reach out but is afraid people will hurt him if he does.

he lists his occupation on his website as a "lady killer or murderer"

and in the list of things he likes to do "getting wasted and breaking the law", which i hope he says things more for bravados sake than he actually does these things...

+++

maybe what i should do is meet him in person instead of write?

i also must remember, tho, that it is not my responsibility nor even in my power to "save" him, like i kind of feel it is...i can't turn this into me trying to heal myself from his father's abuse by "saving" his son.

oh ya...i can see that happening here, a bit, with me, and i must realize this and stop that right now.

wow, this is a really fine tricky line to walk!

12:14pm

clouds from a day ago.
and 4 skeins of "fabric yarn" i have made in the past few days.
top right vintage fabric from the 40's
bottom from left: day glo fabric from the 60's, old fabric from the 30's. sparkly fabric from the 70s.

 

10:29am

weird, i get up at 11:30am ('cause that is what my watch says, and i turn on my computer and it says it's 10:30am.
oh ya, the switching the clocks thing.
now the sun sets at 5pm :( bah.
i'm already waiting for spring now.

happy halloween!

12:47am

 

yesterday i was domestic.
i made homemade beef and potato soup with onions and garlic :)
tomorrow i may add green beans to it.

my soup rules!

and i cut more fabric into strips and then took the strips and spun them on my wheel to make them skinnier and more cord-like. it also makes them look neater. then i dip them in water and air dry them to make it set.

it takes just as much time to do that as it does to spin yarn from wool.

i haven't decided if i will make hats from it, or of i will maybe even sell it as "yarn".

what i would LIKE to do with it is make one huge crazy coloured bedspread.

it feels good to get some stuff done!

today was about 50 degrees colder than yesterday.

do you have any plans for halloween?
i don't don't. i think this might be the 1st halloween that i have done absolutely nothing for it...i haven't even bought a pumpkin.

maybe , if the mood strikes me, i'll dress up for you on cam :)

don't forget to change your clocks back an hour!
(which i think is an insanely stupid pointless practice they should do away with)

another link for me to go back to in regards to the hebrew letter "chet" and it's corresponding tarot card "the chariot"

http://www.novareinna.com/constellation/cancertarot.html

 

+++

double standard:

i would just like to point out that eminem used a prerecorded doubling vocal track on SNL exactly exactly same as ashlee simpson did.
and at least ashlee had a live band.
i'm just sayin...