october 26th, 2004
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8:41pm

 

8:26pm

i'm starting to feel a tiny bit less nervous, a bit more normal.
thank goodness. i need to get up and running again. i am so behind on things.
i took some tylenol pm and i hope that makes me sleep.
it hasn't worked for the past few nights, but try try again...

7:31pm

that new reality show "the biggest loser" is HORRIBLE.
it's offensive, humiliating and it teaches REALLY really bad dieting (like crash dieting) and excercise (no one should have to excercise THAT hard, c'mon). it doesn't address ANY emotional issues that these people may have as to why they overeat either. they are teaching anything these people can use as a lifestyle. they are just torturing these people. it just sucks...hardcore.

5:22pm

for the people who cannot bear to see bush's face anymore, for whatever reason at all (all others look away!)

JOHN KERRY ENERGY SPIRAL!

ok, enough wallowing and whining.
i will do my part, in my hippy new age fruity way, in the creative visualization and shifting of realities and conciousnesses into JOHN KERRY AS PRESIDENT!

let us all shift into the reality together that john kerry IS president. RIGHT NOW. i'm there now! you are too!
let us now, together, AGREE, that WE live in the reality that JOHN KERRY WINS. HAS already WON. didn't you see it on tv? didn't that rule? the entire world was so happy! we are there! even if for no other reason than we do not want to see bush on tv anymore. and we never will, because KERRY WON! it was such a great moment in history! people celebrating in the streets!

if you want to shift into this reality with me NOW, and AGREE with me, that john kerry IS president.

type your support right now in this post!
say:

"John F.Kerry IS president! i agree!"

and spread this to your journals ,if you wish, and this positive energy ball IS ROLLING! no more whining and sulking!
WE CAN DO THIS!!! we already HAVE! it was a record turnout of kerry supporters!
so screw you pollsters! you didn't know crap, eh? close call? not even!
state after state after state turned out be in favour of john kerry!
no one will ever forget this! grown men were weeping in joy in the streets worldwide! news anchors fell of their chairs! holy crap! did you hear? john kerry IS the new president of the united states of america!

shift there NOW! i know i have and hey i'm glad to see you here! :)

4:32pm

some things i wrote in my friend's lj about integrating all parts of yourselves:

it started with a question of how would you describe the you that you show the public and the you that is the reality:

i said:

i'm a john galliano all the way!
over the top, sexy, twisted, wry, dark, complicated and intricate with many layers and textures, humourous and many types of fabric and patterns that should NOT go together (but in his clothing they magically do!) and ready to topple over like a too high of a wedding cake on fire.

my biological body can go there, but my wallet can not!

as i sit here in my leggings from target and sweatshirt from walgreens! and white furry kitty hat from wiggirl.com :)

+++

it is confusing to integrate seemingly opposite sides of onesself and be whole. it's tricky but pretty easy once you get the hang of it and don't TRY to make it even fit anymore. just let it be. let it sit there and show itself in all it's conflicting glory. and ya, it takes a good dose of humour :)
it's always been very very confusing for me when so many people just assume i have some sort of "persona". i should see if the majority of people have a "public" side and "private" side. maybe i'll ask in my lj and take a poll.
both my mom and dad say that they have a side they show the world and then this is not the same "persona" as who they are.

i dunno, maybe it was the cindy lauper song "true colours" that healed me?
hehe :)

what i show the world is truly who i am, 99% of the time

just because you imagine you have all these different personalities for different types of clothing doesn't mean you are not integrated or inauthentic. everyone does that (i think?)
and THAT part of you (the part that imagines) is the part that is you and integrated. like your body can wear many types of clothing, and you can try a different accent each day, and still be you. all of that is a part of you. even if all you ever do is imagine it then, and no one has even seen that side before, doesn't make it any less "real" imo.
if i have a closet full of shirts, 99 white and one red but i never wear the red one, that doesn't change the reality that i have 99 white shirts and one RED one in my closet.
i dn't know if that was a good analogy, but i think it is.
the reality is "here are all the different types of shirts in my closet" and you may never even get the TIME to try them all on. and some shirts you may just not like to wear, but that doesn't change the fact that you still have it in your closet and like to take it out now and then to look at it. or even shirts that you hate but can't throw away yet. or shirts that don't fit you yet, or may never fit. or shirts you've outgrown.
all these shirts are parts you, and you are the closet, too. do u see what i mean?

4:25pm

r.i.p... john peel :(

way back in the 80's i made him a box full of wonderful glittery surprises and i painted the box with an intricate octopus and put in my demo tape.
and john peel played it!
the world will miss you, john peel!

1:54pm

i'm in bed watching fluffy dumb tv like "ambush makeover"
which is a relief after my exhausting epic dreams during the very few hours of sleep i got.
today feels totally different from yesterday. the dog park seems like a week ago.
i hope i can either get more sleep or i can find the energy to do one of the many many things i need to do.
xanax withdrawal sucks. i was going to wean myself off, but i lost the last 10 pills or so, somewhere. so it just ended abruptly on friday, i think. i think last night must have been the worst of it. at least i hope. i've never just been forced to abruptly stop it.
that is not a smart thing to do. you have to slowly go off and then it's so much better and bearable. augh.
i wish i felt well and was feeling social because i really wanted to see camper van beethoven.

12:42pm

finally fell asleep for about 20 minutes at 8:45am or so.
and then, 1/2 an hour of sleep here and there since then.
waking up being covered in sweat.
apocalyptic epic dreams about war in many eras from tiny palestinian tribes and bridges being toppled so that opposite sides could not hurt each other anymore but then never could they travel anymore.
and a future city where 64,000 feet across and square of urban apartment buildings and such were completely demolished as well as the people in them.

i had dreams i was many women with many different types of pregnancies.
some were false pregnancies, some were miscarriages, one carried to full term.
the drama around all of this was deep and intricate spanning many generations and timelines.
affecting entire families and villages as people lives revolved around the pregnant woman, and who made the woman pregnant, and those men it made envious and other women would become jealous, mostly mothers.
and the status of the woman would go up, as long as she was carrying the child.
and some would try to harm the child, sometimes even the mother.
and a whole bunch of my x boyfriend issues made it into that one , for some reason which was exhausting and creepy. like, i can't remember what was the deal but this one x was just getting grosser and creepier and more violent as time went on. and i saw him take this out in other women. and he was lost and didn't know who he was.
and there was much bitterness and backstabbing during these many pregancies in these many lives and timelines.
endings like "ha! funny you killed the child since it was YOURS!" or "ha! funny you slept with both my mom and i and now...something something..some weird thing like i would be carrying HER child or something. or i would drink wine to kill the child if a lover had spurned me just to spite him.
it was all power control games over what this child represented to everyone.
it was never actually about the child or the mother as people. but as pawns and leverage to be used to gain status or cause misery.
and i moved from being a girl into being a tough woman as i saw my tribe circumcize my first born son and drink the blood. and i watched the ritual from above as the men below did the ritual and believed our tribe gained strength through it, which i knew was bullshit, but i went with it anyway because i had to.

and then i also was a warrior at the same time. and many spears hit me, one right in my third eye, yet i was not harmed. both tribes saw this as a sign i must be a god, and made me leader of both tribes in hopes i would not be so angry at them for throwing spears at me. and i took them up on that offer and i made some hand symbols, one with my hand being down with 2 fngers pointed below and one with my hand pointed up with 2 fingers pointed up...which was meaning something about above and below and horns or spikes and the number 2, but it was way way more than that.
and my future now self had to laugh because i realized that this was the beginning of the pagan religion and i was making it up right there on the spot. and i realized i was making the hand symbols so often seen in paintings of satan as the goat god. and i realized i was satan himself, somehow. and this was HILARIOUS to me as i do not like satan but here i was, creating it and being it. but it also was "satan" in the sense of evil, at this point.

at the same time i was taking the oath of god/dess and (i both switched between being a man and a woman)
i was also a small gay man in a white suit, like an ingo swann, going "oh ya, i remember when i wrote that. i was just making it up as i went along, i didn't know what i was doing, but i had some good ideas in there a bit" and laughing and kind of rolling his eyes like that had been a funny little immature phase of one of his lives.

and i carried my people, as their spiritual leader, through many abundant times.
and then in almost every aspect of my dream, it came upon a hard spell.

in all the timelines i saw the 4 seasons, and all the larger and subcategories of the wheel of time, etc.
and it would start with everything being plentiful. berries and cheese and milk and leaves and fruit and meat and then, cold and harsh times, nothing would grow, nothing to eat. sometimes not even water.

the tribe, as we were almost dead, one of my friend's snapped and declared outright to all "it is the time we must go home! every year we should set aside a time to make the journey home!"

it was then i saw we had strayed far from home but we hadn't noticed because everything had been so plentiful.
and i told my friend this was a good idea and now it would be in our calendar from now on.
and we started on our 29 day journey back home, to where we had first created ourselves and our symbols were still carved on the cliff and cave walls. those gave us strength. and we needed to see them and touch them again.

there is so much more to these dreams. i could go on and on for pages with all the symbols and layers.
and it's so complicated to talk about because so many things were happening simutaneously in different ways and it's hard to separate it all out and make it cohesive to tell this way.

like how i commended the men on their beards, all of us looking very klingon, but i complimented them on it in such a gay eye for the straight guy way. and i was the one who would give them beard trimming technique tips. and discovered one of the huge warriors would actually do quite well as a hairdresser in the future.
and i showed him a vison of now and a hair salon and a current hair style and cutting technique and it kind of went over his head, but at the same time he got it at a gut level and said he would work on it :)

and ducky doolittle was there in the dream. in the pantheon, wearing a white greek robe, showing me how to get a good and fair price for my work through a new device that did this water measuring balancing thing.

and one of the members of devo or something sent me a letter saying he wished i would go out on a date with his franken-robot.
just for kicks , i guess.

i have NO idea. and i told him no, i had a boyfriend.
so going on a date with his robot would not be appropriate, even tho it was just for being silly.

oh and another horrible dream about men in war being collectively shot in the head right at the moment of orgasm. and the woman who was giving them a blow job would also die, too.
the bodies were put into categories of 16 and then a tarp would cover the dead bodies. and they were rotting and it was awful.
and the news said they had died in a "sexy" way, and i thought what an inappropriate thing to say since these men and women were forced into these positions by the pople who would shoot them to either humiliate them, or just because they were bored.
and all these young little boys who thought they were going to get laid for the first time would not know their time of death was near.
it was so gross and twisted and violent and gorey.
i feel sick even thinking about it.

i'm going to go lay in bed some more as i feel like complete and utter shit. and it's grey cold and windy.
i was going to go to camper van beethoven with jason tonight. but i don't feel well enough. i'm so exhausted and nervous.

 

 

5:44am

if i was a time traveler with infinite powers, i would move a few things from the past up to the future and vice versa.
just to screw with people's heads and give them a puzzle.
like take dinosaurs and put them in a place where they will fossilize in a period that the dinosaurs shouldn't exist in.
and put marble statues in with dinosaur bones way back in the past.

yep.
my brain on insomnia.
fascinating.

5:41am

argh.

5:05am

i have no buffers or shields.
i feel like i have holes in me.
especially a big hole in my heart.
i need my sheilds to be up.
but for some reason, i cannot make it so.
i feel entirely vulnerable and fragile.
i hate this feeling.
it scares me.

4:16am

i can't sleep.
this sucks.
i'm so tired but my heart is racing.
nerrrrvousssss.
i've been laying in my bed for hours in the dark, listening to c2c.
trying to get comfortable.
shifting shifting shifting.

and i have this tiny little rash on my wrist for the past few weeks that won't go away and it itches! and wtf? what is this rash?
there is no reason for it at all.
it's about the size of an inch square.
i thought maybe my watch was causing it (although i don't know why, i've been wearing it for years with no problem),
so i moved my watch to the other wrist. and still...i have it a week later.
i haven't switched lotions or soaps.
i'm not doing anything differently. i just have this inch square rash on my wrist that won't go away!

it's things like this that can drive you nuts.
especially when you have insomnia.