october 24th, 2004
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11:59pm

i wanted to do mouseovers of all of these, but the days are passing , so i think i best just get them up at all.

i am still silently fuming about my uncle-in-law's dismissive response and creepy spying.
i kind of feel like writing a huge open letter to all my relatives and putting it in LJ, just telling them, if they want to know what i've written my mother they can just ASK me directly or email me for a username and password so they can come read it and just get it out of their system or whatever it is their are trying to acheive through all these passive aggressive little manuveurs.

just let it fly.
i'm so sick of this weird-ass feeling of my family "spying" on me and talking behind my back about how bad i am.

what was it that my mom's parents did to these children to make all these people so sneaky, creepy, and dysfunctional? ya, and I'M the crazy one.

sure, right.
crazy fucktards. god. i'm so sick of it.

whatthefuckever.com/getalife/creepyloseruncle.jpg

+++

the letter i wrote but did not send (yet) to my uncle.
i will sit on this for a few days.

"thanks for your dismissive response *sarcasm* about my pain and life.
according to my mom, your wife is not only an abusive drunk but the embarrassment of the entire family. she says your children are marred for life and hate her, just fyi.
i'm not saying these things are true, i'm saying this is what my mom says about you.
she says your family is more fuct up than the osbournes. of course, she will deny it all, because she lies to cover her ass. it doesn't feel good to have family talk behind your back, does it?
is my mom maybe distorting the truth about your family? why doesn't anyone just TALK about it instead of slinking around like a bunch of gossipy old ladies at bingo or weird uncles getting their jollies?
did any of you even THINK to consider that my mom might be doing some really hurtful things to me which would cause me to write certain things about that? no, of course not, because you'd like to stay in your little spy holes, getting your information 5th hand and distorted than actually ask the source because you're gutless.
and it's better to just hide, drink, hide, drink, silently abuse behind the curtains and then waggle your fingers at some other family member to make yourself seem superior or "stay with the herd" and cover up all the ugly bits you don't want to look at, as a family and make sure you go to church on sundays or whatever. it's time to wake up, canadian family who my mom INSISTS loves me (although your actions speak louder than words), and face the dysfunction.

maybe instead of sneaking around my website like some passive aggressive creepy stalker (ya, your wife/my aunt sent you to my site, like i'm going to believe THAT one. you've got to be kidding me. you're such a wimp to pass the buck like that. how very disapointing.)
you should just say it upfront what is your agenda. and maybe you should ask what my mom is saying in her journal about YOU?
god, what is WRONG with you?
and to think you were the people i looked up to as a child.
the level of maturity and backstabbing and passive aggressive narcissistic behaviour exhibited by some of you, in my family in canada, is mind blowingly astounding immature and destructive.
acting like a bunch of old ladies up there waggling their fingers at me with no guts to actually say it to my face or email me for my side of the story, just making all your little judgement calls about me, or whacking off to me or whatever it is you are doing. creepy.
no one has the guts to just say it to my face like a REAL family?
no one has the DECENCY to even ASK me about what might be going on???
i feel like printing out my entire website and sending it all to each and every one of you so you can finally gorge yourself in petty gossip and untruths and at least waggle your fingers at me over things i actually DID say rather than things i did not and actually get some real perspective of what is actually happeniing instead of just making wild guesses that end up hurting real human beings in real human ways.
but no...you all just sit there going "my oh my, the shame", getting drunk and sending me bizarre emails once a year. grow up already. GROW UP.
have the frickin' balls to ask me what is up to my face. have the guts to be upfront about stuff.
i'm sick of all this "spying" and "hidden agendas" and "guessing what i may be saying or doing".
want to know what i'm saying? ASK ME. it's THAT simple.

don't come here to spy on me and get some juicy dirt and then try to pass it off as "thanks for the link". or steer this conversation over to your families boring statistics. like "hi, i'm here to spy on you or whack off to you and btw, thanks for the link and btw, i have 3 children and here is how old they are and what they are studying and blahditty blah blah like we are supposed to bond over that and i am supposed to COMPLETELY ignore the fact that you have come to my site to get gossipy dirt on me or whatever?? are you NUTS?
but i guess you don't even want to face your own immediate families pain...is just so much easier to focus on me than focus on your own dysfunctional lives?

what is your DEAL? does it make you feel better to do this to me?
does it feel like good lovey dovey family fun to do all this immature bullshit?

what did you hope to achieve by contacting me?
what was the response you hoped for?
what was your goal?
what did you want to achieve by letting me know you were reading my journal? how did you hope that would make me feel?
what is your agenda?
did it make you feel better about trying to dig up dirt on me for your wife by letting me know you were reading my journal?
did you feel too guilty for reading it so you just had to let me know?
or are you actually reaching out to me? because i don't feel very "reached out" to by your response.
i feel very dismissed and creeped out.
or did you just not think about it because you don't see me as real?
were you just bored? am i entertaining for you?
am i a bug to inspect?

is this have enough juicy bits of drama for you to chew on for
awhile to fill whatever need you were trying to fill?
did you find what you were looking for on my site (besides the link to john stewart)? will this hefty bit of drama keep you full for awhile? i'm sure i've given you loads to roll around in for quite awhile.

will you sink into the distance now and bask in the drama and pass this on to the rest of the herd?
or will you step up to the plate and have the guts to ask what is REALLY going on instead of acting out orders from your commander and playing superspy and then acting all innocent?

and your wife can't look at my site herself or have the maturity to contact me directly (when not drunk) and actually engage in civil discourse with me? she has to send YOU to do her dirty work? what..is she too fragile and scared she might see *gasp* a nipple but isn't too frail to want to feed on the other *naughty* bits of my life you know nothing about? give me a break. because, you know, god forbid she should actually see a female body, for which she has.

and if it makes her feel morally superior to judge me and call MY life pathetic in order to run from her own pain, then that's really sad and TRULY pathetic and disapointing. and you, her little henchman. nice.
you all need to grow up.
i'm not just some paper doll over here, some abstract "dirty" notion or toy, i am a real human living being who has feelings and has pain and can hurt just like the rest of you.
and if you think that what you are doing has no impact on my life, you'd be dead wrong. i'm not just some fun little online game you can all play with no consequence for your actions.
you can't just come over here and poke me because you're bored.
half-assedly kicking over a stone in the road and then "oh look! a bug underneath! neat! i think i'll email it for no apparent reason whatsoever." and then blame it on your wife. puh-leez. step up to the plate and take responsibility for your own actions.
are we out of high school yet?

maybe i'm going over your head or you've now realized you've bit off more than you can chew and that i'm not just a fun online game to play.

THINK about it and evolve.

family fun. yay.

 

7:47pm

i'm going to go over to jason's for a bit.
i'm glad my computer is back to being functional.

i got an email back from my uncle just being pretty dismissive of what i said.
he said the reason he was looking at my site is because his wife wanted to see if i was saying mean things about my mom. like she can't do this HERSELF? or she can't just ASK me DIRECTLY like NORMAL CIVIL people would do?and WTF? like....WTF??? you have to send your little husband to spy on me?
and ya, like i'm buying THAT.
is my entire family in HIGH SCHOOL?
how fucking ridiculously immature.
i don't even know how to respond to that.
oh hi! uncle in law who doesn't even know me... glad you liked the link to the john stewart transcript and you were spying on me and trying to befriend me on behalf of my mother's crazy sister! LET'S BOND! ya! family! i'm feeling the love, dickwad. they are all INSANE.

in the other corner of mom drama, is that my mom's latest lj pal has dropped her as she finally was on to my mom's immature scheme, too. everyone who is sane eventually gets sick of her. everyone is sick of her. they've all dropped her, pretty much because she is such an enrgy vampire.
and this woman made a public apology to me in her journal, which i only found out because someone emailed me to tell me. interesting. well, i'm glad she saw the light and i'm glad she apologized. but i haven't acknowledged it yet, and don't know if i will.

anyway, so with all of this and the computer stuff and then still recharging from the film crew and just recharging from everything...i am not full steam ahead with things, but i am doing very well. but i am totally out of xanax and feeling a bit wigged about that.. on a scale of one to 10 about a 3 of wiggy-factor. so not a big deal, but not pleasant.

and i still have a ton more pics for you to get up!
and i have to upload my music for you.
and i have to get that camcorder into best buy to be fixed or traded in for a new one so we can have 2 cams here.

7:12pm

wow, it took 4 hours to fix my computer! good grief!
i'm glad i have a boyfriend who knows how to fix computers!
people who make spyware are evil.

3:05pm

i went to a webpage i found on google to see how old ashlee simpson was (i didn't find out), and that page had somethig bad in it that tried to download on my computer. now my computer might be off for awhile because jason is going to see if he can fix it.

2:55am

another batch of picures to come later on today...

interesting discussion about ashlee simpson's huge goof on SNL tonight, which has now turned into a discussion celebrity and the music biz, for which have MUCH to say about.

and a VERY VERY VERY interesting turn of events is that one of my x boyfriend's children has found me and is now discussing his father's narcissism and how it has destroyed his family.
this is a little boy (but not anymore...i just still see him in his little pjs jumping on the bed and me trying to get him to go to sleep) i used to babysit, and to see him all grown up now and to see that not only has this x boyfriend of mine had a lasting negative and wounding impact on my life, but also the lives of his chidren, which makes me so incredibly sad and angry.

i think he is reaching out to me for some more insight on his dad, for which i have a semi truck full of insight for him, not that any insight will ever heal the wounds. but i think i can help somewhat.

but i hope that because i have had painful experiences with his dad, and also MY family, i can actually put some of my experiences to some good use, i hope.

i don't know...but i will try.

it is amazing, this life, the turn of events
circles and circles and webs and reflections...