today's anagram

october 20th, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

9:02pm

go back to the past anagrams...the 16th. the link is at the top,
for those of who who joined to see 'those" photos

the documentary people are coming here at 1pm tomorrow.
i'm so glad it's not earlier. so, if i get up at 11am that should give me time to get ready,
i might actually get up ay 10am, i think, just to make sure i have everything prepared that i need., mentally and physically :)
i think it will be fun. the guy in charge, jay, seems like a very nice person :)

6:41pm

i don't know if i will redye my hair pink, i kinda like how it's fading out.

i keep trying to remember what it was my mom and i even talked about.
we were both just crying and she kept interupting everything i was trying to say.
conversations with her are always so nonsensical and crazymaking that i leave then not even quite remembering what happened, because it was all just so...intense and weird and i don't even know.
the feeling i am left with is that she wants to convince me she is not crazy so that i would go make another announcement to those people on lj she had to "resolve" things with and tell them she is not crazy. i feel used.
you know, how she was pissed i didn't go in there and tell them i was her daughter, so i went in there and told then, and then also told them the whole story.
i think i left the "conversation" with the feeling that was the very most importnat thing for her she wanted me to do,
is go tell them she is not crazy. like the end result for she and i making up, would not be that she and i are making up, but that she wants to do go do this "thing" for her, to people that shouldn't even matter to her if she really believes these peoople are horrible and rotten people.
and, you know, i just can't do that because i think she IS crazy. and she tried to convince me that the 2 people she wanted to "resolve" things with the most, and who are now my lj friends because of our bonding over what my mom did to us all, are actually the ones who are crazy and vicious and horrible people, according to my mom. she said that they emailed her horrible things and called me a crazy porn queen, etc etc. which i have a really hard time believing because , seeing these people interact with other people and my mom for months and months, i never saw any such personality traits from them that would make me believe they did that or ever would.
she doesn't understand why i can't believe her, and i said it's because she lies to me all the time, it's hard for me to believe anything she says.
i witnessed my mom driving these people crazy. and i witnessed my mom lying. this makes me believe these people and not her.
i don't see these people she is saying are horrible mean people being mean or vicious to anyone, ever. they don't talk behind people's backs. they aren't even bitchy in the slightest to anyone.
and then she still was trying to make me believe that she never told me that my breasts were groteque, but that it was actually my aunt who did it, who said this to me in email...which is really out there.
i'm not going to exactly FORGET that my mom yells at me that my breasts were grotesque...and then go..oh ya...it was my AUNT who said it..in an email. wtf?
she also denies now that she sent bayarts to spy on me, which i have in EMAIL my mom apologizing to me for sending bayarts to spy on me.
and she was still just rationalizing everything away. and rationalizing why she was posting in my lj under different names and in my friends journals.
i just...nothing she said made any sense. it was just really an awful "conversation".
at the end, my phone was running out of batteries and so i told her that after the documentary film crew was gone, i'd call her again.

i really do she believes that her version of reality is "the truth".
i really do. and if she believes that, it must be just awful for her to have me cut her out of my life.
she really doesn't understand. and she thinks i am horrible and have no empathy.
and i tried to explain to her how illogical it was to try to get me back by doing the one thing that would drive me away the most, which is not to leave me alone.
and she...didn't get that.
and she would contradict herself by saying she was still having a lj, because she may as well, since i had left her.
but at the same time she said she made it to get me back.
?

all in all, i just get the feeling that all she wants for me to do is to save her reputation to these people she doesn't even like, as she told me that she went into a lj again to save her reputation because of a neighbour (and who or where is this neighbour?), that she admits she doesn't care about, thought badly of her.(and that is one of many contradicting stories as to why she went back)

and then she keeps saying over and over for a month or more now that i don't know the whole story and i won't listen to her.
but she has had every option available to her to tell me what "this story" is that i don't know. and even last night she didn't tell me what it is. she just keeps saying i don't know the story.
to me, it feels like what she is saying is "i haven't thought of a good enough story yet to get you back"

but...i think it was just a really awful mistake i made in calling her. it wasn't fair to her or good for me, even tho she wanted contact from me.
would it be really bad of me if i didn't call her and just wrote her a letter explaining that i don't want to talk to her and that was a mistake i made in calling her? am i obligated to call her now?

i don't have to call her back , do i? arrrgh.
it was a mistake i called.
it was just....not good.
this isn't something i can rationalize her with.

what can i say in a letter to her?
i feel bad that i put myself in this position.
and i feel bad that now i've gotten her hopes up that we can reconcile because i called. i feel really really bad for that.
i didn't SAY that things could get better or that i would reconcile, but i think she probably got that message just because i called.
it was a bad weak moment for me. and a terrible error on my part, i think. i was weak, i cracked, i broke...

god this sucks.

12:45pm

this is such bliss. my house is clean.
and no film crew is coming over.
i can just have a moment where i can seriously relax.
this is amazing.
it feels like one of those days where school gets cancelled because of snow.
i am relishing this to the extreme.
i just wish i hadn't called my mom, i think.
i'm not sure. i don't even want to think about it.
but i just cracked, i just broke down. i can't whip myself over it.
but i do feel like a wimp for doing it.
but god, it's so hard. i'm not perfect.
i don't know if anything good will come of it.
i don't think so, history has shown.
but fuck it, fuckity fuck fuck.

i'm human. i can break.

as scarlet o'hara said "i'll think about this tomorrow"
(or not)

my mouth feels like an ashtray. blech.

all i'm going to do today is redye my hair pink.
and stare.
maybe watch really bad tv.
my house is so clean.
this is so amazing.
even that little area rug with the dots, which i thought i would have to throw out, it's totally clean!
i am a domestic goddess.
and today i think i will also make soup.
maybe i will also make some yarn.
this tiny feeling of normalcy feels like absolute heaven.
i want to hold on to this feeling forever.

11:44am

some pictures of me after i called my mom.
i wanted to convey a sad world-weary fucked up bitter but blank desperation (a la courtney love)
and..i think i succeeded, sort of. i do think it would have been better if i had more eyeliner and it was more smeared.(no, i don't smoke, it was for effect, but i did go through 1/2 a a pack trying to get a perfect picture of smoke coming out of my mouth...which i never did succeed in doing that because i don't inhale. and it's hard to time it right!
god, i had to smoke so many cigarettes. gross!