october 19th, 2004
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goddamit i called my mom.

*crying*

it was maybe bullshit it was maybe not... something i don't know...

more later.

we called bawled and bawled and bawled...

i don't know if anything happened from it..

but we tried.

life is messy.

......

 

9:52pm

i cleaned the kitchen , too except the floor.
man , i kicked ass!
it felt good.

i didn't dye my hair pink.

i might do it in the morning.

time for rest.

a BIG day tomorrow.

it's hard as i prepare what i need to say.
my cam, my life, my actions, have so many layers to them
i don't want it oversimplified into a soundbite.

i don't want my cam distilled into "my mom was a narcissist and now i do my cam"
it SO MUCH MORE than that.

yet i cannot say the same thing i said 7 years ago about my cam.

it is so complex.

how can i distill what i need to say and not oversimplify it or make it sound-bitey?

all i can say is that what will be will be.
i have to let go of this and just do my best.

i hope these people will be sensitive enough to capture it's complexities...

documentary people, if you read this, i am going to turn my phone on now.
just waken me up at least 2 hours before you need me.
it takes me that long to wake up.

 

8:02pm

bathroom. done.
*whew*
now the kitchen, although i haven't much left in me to do it.
i'll just do alittle bit and then i will collapse.
this is goof for me tho, i need more documentary film crews to come so i am forced to clean my house.
and it's been a great way to focus my nervous energy.

i can't wait until there is cam 2 so you could have seen me all day cleaning.
very soon it will hapen! i so look forward to it.

7:10pm

holy mackerel, i'm still going.
scrubbed the toilet. I HATE doing that.
now i'm gonna scrub the tub.
i can't believe i can keep this up, but i am going to pitter out soon.
i hope i wear myself out really well so i can to bed very early because i have a feeling these people will want to be here in the morning.
washing the area rug in the tub, i think, worked. i hope it's dry by morning.

went to the store for a bit of food and dog food.
i'm going to make beef and vegetable soup.
i'm little miss domestic over here.

i had a dream last night that camper van beethhoven was my back up band. i didn't remember any of the songs i was supposed to do, so we did this kind of weird jam that ended up being kind of cool.
the lead singer put his head right up next to my head in this really comforting way, and we both had our hands on the same guitar, and we hummed very softly in harmony and it was very comforting and full of peace and acceptance.
i wish that part of the dream had lasted longer.
it only lasted maybe 30 seconds.
just this little moment of peace and harmony and humming.
so nice.

and then the lightbulbs starting flashing and everyone starting interviewing me and so that moment was stopped.

back to scrubbing the tub...

6:11pm

i'm running out of steam...
i still have the kitchen and bathroom to scrub, and dye my hair pink.

i don't think i can do it all..but i am still going to keep on trying.

i wish i knew what time they were coming over.

documentary guy, if you read this, will you call me and tell me when you are planning on coming over tomorrow?

4:50pm

ate some ramen and now i gotta keep going, gotta keep going...

3:53pm

i'm making progress on cleaning.

getting the stuff up from the floor.

i still have left the gross stuff to do, tho, like the scrubbing of grime.

i'm even going to attempt to clean my area rug that the dogs spilled a bowl of gravy on, in the bathtub. wish me luck.

2:32pm

i read the directions to my curling iron for the heck of it and one of the warnings was "do you not use if sleeping".
i'm so glad they told me that because i was really planning to try to curl my hair with it while i was ASLEEP!

hahaha :)

2:07pm

xanax from india and c2, my glue!
xanac and c2, my sugar my glue!

*everybody sing*

12:58pm

i had the worst sleep. and woke up with almost crippling anxiety.
i'm just sitting here taking breaths trying (trying to)
and hoping this will pass.
i have been having a lot of panic attacks lately.
yesterday when i was in line to get food at chipotle with jason, i was in such a panic that i felt very dissasotiated from everything to the point that i felt very dizzy and everything seemed very dreamy. it was like i was really stoned , but not in a good way. i'm for those of you who have panic attacks, you know what i'm talking about.
thankfully, that passed.
i am just so overloaded. i can get myself really worked up.
i have too much on my plate. i have a hard time breathing and my stomache is in knots.
today i have to clean clean clean, and i hopefully that will actually be helpful and be a release for all my nervous energy. i hope...
for now i'm just trying to wait for this panic to attack to pass...

i need to redo my hair pink today.
a bath will help, too.
and i need to turn on my heater.
it's cold and drizzly and hazy.
i feel really rundown, like on the edge of a cold.
i'll take lots of vitamins today.

and i need to get that cam in so i can set up the 2nd cam.

1:09am

ok, today, after i wake up the day will be spent CLEANING MY HOUSE!

THERE IS NO OTHER POSSIBILITY!

DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW FROM L.A. COMING WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY!

i am getting my self mentally prepared.
it will be DAMN interesting.

i can tell you that.

documentary film crew, BE PREPARED!
(for tiny dogs to lick you all over, for me to be some sort of jennifer tilly on speed with pink hair, and for you to trip on cords and knock your heads on mannequins and for the psycho-analysis infotainment to begin! yes, you have been warned! and YARN! lots and lots of YARN! you don't think yarn is interesting? well, i ASSURE you it IS!)

*bring your own fork*

(i just said that for no reason, for i am hyper, yet must SLEEP!)