october 18th, 2004
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2:32pm

letting go

i knew that when i woke up today i would see new entries in my mom's journal because i dreamt it. i dreamt she emailed me and told me she had made ANOTHER journal and she would be there now. and when i woke up, i knew she had written. and she had. and i am pissed off that we are still connected like that.
but perhaps that is just the way it will always be. i don't know.
and she seems to be going through the same things as i am. the need to move on but not being able to yet.
she writes about wanting to let go of me, but she can't. she is miserable. i am miserable.
and i realize even more , as i wrote that last night, is that i am SCARED of her to let go, because she never has.
there has never been a single moment in my life where she has not been holding on to me.
this is different than feeling i am being held by her, in a way that one would hold a person to support them, but rather she holds on to me like i am HER foundation. and the only motherly feeling of foundation i have had in my life is the feeling that she is holding on to ME for her dear life.
and i have never been without it. and like some very twisted sick thing, i realize i am actually SCARED to live without it, because it's ALL i've ever had of her. like in some weird and twisted way i have a skewed belief that her holding onto me DOES anchor me in some way. because that is what a mom is SUPPOSED to do, anchor you. give you a foundation. and so i have learned a twisted thing and backwards thing...like people who start to feel like hitting is hugging and possession and obsession is love and verbal abuse is attention, at least. i ahave learned that my mother holding on to me like an anchor is my anchor. there's no yin-yang in that. there's no balance. it's like a bird with two left wings and it spins in circles or doesn't fly at all.
this makes me so sad and afraid. it like there is just layers and layers and layers to this.
and the deeper i go, the more sorrowful i become, not the more light.
and this is very confusing for me.

maybe this is the darkest before the dawn thing?

this feels like dying in a whole new way to me.
i have never experienced this deep of a sorrow, i don't think, and i have been pretty darn sorrowful in my life.
i really didn't know i hadn't YET reached the very bottom of the experience of sorrow.
but i can see now that sorrow is as limitless as the universe itself and has no bottom at all to it.

and right now i need a mom so fucking bad.
i want to reach out to her now and call her on the phone and i want to run into her arms and scream "mama! love me! see me! never let me go!"

and she would, give me that temporary feeling of love again. but she would not hold me like a loving support kind of being held, she would hold onto me like i were her house, her soul, her very reason for existence. she wouldn't see me, she would consume me and merge with me.

and right now, as sick as that is, that sounds preferable to me, in this moment.
but i have to have the guts to break free of this.
i have to let go of HER. i have to let go of what i want and need her to be, a normal mom who loves in a normal and healthy way. i have to be motherless. i have to be my own mother, as i always have been, anyway.

but i see now how i cling to her sick and twisted love and have learned to think i even need it, and maybe i even do.
yes, i am that confused right now.

and i guess this is why so many children put up with abusive parents, because this is ALL we have to hold on to, their holding on to us. god, i thought i was more ready to let go of her than i actually am. and maybe that is why she is still holding on to me? see, even now, i blame myself. i have be the mother, i have to be the one to let go, i have to be the one to kick her out of the nest. and her nest, she believes, is my very existence and soul.
she doesn't know who she is without me. she doesn't know who she is period.
if she doesn't know that, how could she even know who *I* am or even see me?
she is caught in a hall of mirrors, and i am caught there with her, desperately searching for a way out.

it would be easier to just leave this sorrow i am in now and just go back to being consumed and merge with her.
and she could braid my hair and give me her used vogue magazines and we could talk about the weather or whatever. i need that. i DO. but it's too high a price to pay for it.
she has to go and find her own way now before she could ever have a healthy relationship with me.
she really thinks she loves herself, she does. but she doesn't at all.
and if she doesn't love herself she can't love me.
and if she doesn't see herself , she can't see me.

it's so hard to let go of her.
but *I* have to be the mother and let go.
i want to let go.

it's so hard for me to sit and watch silently as she is a bird flying into a window over and over again. i just want to say to her, to this bird, the OUTSIDE, is THAT way...this here...this is just a mirror...please stop flying into it or your going to kill youself. and i HAVE said that to her. but my words just echo back to me. i am echo and she is narcissus. everything i say she repeats or vice versa. i can't even explain it. only those who have been here , too, know what i am saying. it's truly so crazy and confounding, it's impossible to convey what this thing is. it's...impossible for me to convey because it's too confusing for words.

for the love of all that is holy, dearest universe, or god, or whatever PLEASE help me to let go NOW.

i need to LET GO NOW!

i want to be free of this, if there even IS freedom on the other side of this mirrored wall, i don't even know, but i am willing to make that leap of faith.

this must be excruciating for her. because at least i know who i am.
i am motherless and nestless and loveless, in a way, but i DO know who i am.
and that is something darn powerful to hold on to that gets me through everything.
that is something that not everyone has, i am learning.

and i have been in a place where i did not know who i was.
i had a boyfriend (my 1st) who brainwashed me so hugely that when he left, finally, i didn't know who i was.
i didn't even know which were my opinions and which were his.
i just became everything he wanted me to be so that he would love me.
and weirdly, the more that i became what he wanted the more he hated me until finally he threw me away and i was nothing.

and then i built myself up from there, from nothing. from a total void.
and what i learned from that experience is that i do not take "knowing who i am" for granted.
before i knew him, i was in a state of beingness (sort of..a sort of unformed beingness that you are when you are a child). i just was who i was, authentically, but never knew i could LOSE that. when i lost it, and then refound it, it became even more precious to me.

and then from there i got into a relationship with another abuser, this time physical as well as emotional.
but we kept getting back together with each other because of exactly days like this, because we were so miserable without each other, we just decided it was a lesser evil to be, at least miserable WITH each other than to be miserable WITHOUT each other. and so, this is like a day i feel i could go back to my mom and at least be miserable with her. but i know that is not the way.

but this is harder, because there can be many boyfriends, but there is only one mom.
but maybe this is just like losing your first boyfriend, when you feel you will never have another one again, and that this is the end. and you are terrified beyond belief that you will truly DIE from the sorrow.
and then you learn you won't, and you slowly move on. and you learn you can love again.

maybe this is the loss my my first mother. myabe there are other mothers out there for me.
but i don't even want to think like that. i don't want my life to be about "a search for a new mother".
that would be seriously horrible and painful.
i know i just have to be my own mother, somehow, even tho that feels about as good as hugging yourself.

i don't know.
i don't know where this road leads at all.
i'm scared shitless.
but i've made up my mind to go on it.
and i'm trying the best that i can.
i don't know what else to say or do in this moment.
so i'll leave it here for now.

*crying my eyes out*

and on wednesday and thursday a documentary film crew are coming here to film me and interview about my cam. and that just feels almost laughable right now.
mirrors and mirrors and cameras and cameras.
and i have to get my shit together enough to clean my houe a bit and mentally and physically prepare for them when i feel absolutely lost and lifeless.

and i really need a coke but my face is al red and puffy from crying and so i don't want to go out into public right now. because when people know you've been crying, they act all weird around you or at least i feel all weird around them.

oh, and i had weird and horrible dreams that i went into this smokey bar that was kind of a "hip" place to go, but was also a dive. and the wman wh ran the place was cranky and old and had that bitter face like a person who has had too hard of a life and has smoked too many cigarettes.
and there was a deli type bakery window counter thing there, and behind it were BABIES for sale.
just sittting in pans. crying and baking under hot lights. no one paying any attention to them.
and one had been completely eaten away by flies and ants. it was eaten alive and there was 2/4ths of a shell of it. the brain was gone, all the inards, it had been picked clean.
and no one was paying any attention to this. and i had my camera, and thought, my god, i have to take a picture of this and document it and get it to the authorities!
this woman was selling babaies from thailand and stuff, just putting them in pans and ignoring them until they literally rotted away and were eaten by flies and ants!
and just before i could get the pictures taken, she took the babies away and threw them in the trash.
but i snuck back on a different day to confront her and tell her that i knew what she had done and if she ordered any more babies, i would be on her case.
and she said, no she wasn't going to do that anymore.
but i snuck into the back office (with my dad), and there she had on order a whole bunch of new babies.
there were advertisements for them by showing pictures of a woman's pregnant belly and then it would say when the due date was. but the photo for every different baby was the same woman's belly, just from a different angle.
the just wanted to trick you into thinking you were actually seeing the belly from which the child you ordered would come from.
anyway, this dream went on and on as i tried to bust this woman's scam.
and then i was shoppiing with bjork and my memory of the dream deteriorates from there.

 

2:22am

*attack mode off*

cut up lots of fabric into strips to crochet but might spin them first to make them tight and more cord-like.
that looks rather cool.
what i'd really like to do with it all is crochet one huge gigantic multicoloured king sized bedspread with it.
everything that really makes me feel "jazzed up" creatively, are these really BIG projects.
i want to make complicated complex wondrous textural things.
not just some simple hat.
i need the universe to pour money on me right now so i can create things that really MEAN something to me instead of quickie stuff.

i did have a guy say he will give me $99 for the camera. he is going to send me a cheque. i hope i get it. so many people so many times have said they are going to send a cheque and then don't.

or like this woman today said she'd buy this other hat for me, and then i heard absolutely nothing back from her.
it's so weird.

it was good to go to jasoon's and just cut up fabric, and i know this sounds really corny, but i watched this E! true hollywood story on oprah (and btw there was NO dirt they could dig up on her! and you know if there was dirt, they'd dig it up. but no, she is a nice person who does good things, really! now dr. phil...that was another story! hmm!) but it just made me realize, i need to get more positive. i'm not giving out positivity as much as i could be and should be and want to and need to.

i feel all negative and rotten and cynical inside and i dont like it.
i always feel i have to rail against every injustice i see, when i have the energy, but i think i am going about it the wrong way because i don't feel good inside, i just feel really wound up. i feel JUSTIFIED but i don't feel loving.
do you know what i mean?

but it hate it when people get all focused on lovey dovey happy light joy thoughts in order to cover UP negativity. and i do not want to go THAT way, like so many people do.
i don't want to just start posting my little pony photos because i am seething inside and want to deny that.

(like i did very sarcastically in my lj the other day but i don't know if anyone knew i was being sarcastic in posting that)

i want to GENUINELY feel love and give love again. not in some shallow way.
this whole election crap has just really veered me off course, too.

i think the root of my money problem, lately, is in the fact that the love in me is stopped up.
my energy is not flowing. i am not being as creative as i want to be. things are plugged.
and all this makes a catch 22 on itself and i get cranky which makes me more cranky and i get fearful and i worry and i get tense and ...it's just not good at all for me.
i can totally see that.

now what i need to do is actually DO something about it.
and i was actually trying and trying for many weeks there to do that but then almost daily my mom would attack me from some angle, and that really spiralled me off course BIG time.
ya, i am still whirling from that and trying to get my feet on the ground again.

she hasn't contacted me for days now, that i can tell.
she hasn't written in that journal she "made for me" in 5 days.
maybe she will truly leave me alone now?
i can't even really comprehend a life without her, really.
in some bizarre and twisted way i am almost frightened by this silence.
on one level because i am afraid she is just gearing up for some new level of attack, and then at some other level, a really frighening feeling of emptiness. like "is this really IT?"
kind of like "is she really dead now?"
and i have mourned the loss of her, but i have not had any empty silent void of her in which to mourn her since she was never "gone".
i really feel she is "gone" now in a deeper way. and instead of feeling the relief i wanted, i just feel,
a deep and horrible mournful hollow sadness and loss for which no words can describe.

and now i am crying. and i haven't even allowed myself to cry during this last bout of her attacks because i was just in complete warrior mode. and i've been in such warrior mode everywhere at everyone, as you can see.
i've just been full on warrior. all battle stations on, all shields up.
i have not had the "luxury" of TRULY mourning her loss.

and this luxury is a bitter bitter "prize" to win.
and so tragic to say that i DO choose this "prize" over the other evil that was her attacking me.
i'd rather feel this, i think, even tho this is hell, too...
it's just a tiny bit less of a hell. and so that is my lot.

but i've only had a few days of it , so far, and my battle stations are still up and shields up....she culd still attack me any minute. she could even be reading this right now, i have no idea.
and i'm so exhausted...

i just hope i can let down my shields now. power off my guns, and let the light in again.
i need some love. i need more love in my life.

i don't want to be in attack mode any more.