october 17th, 2004
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5:53pm

mouseovers:

i'm going to jason's for awhile to get away from cords and wires and broken cams.

across the universe

go here:
http://search.launch.yahoo.com/search/lsearch/all?p=laibach

and click on laibach's "across the universe" video
(yes, a beatles cover)

friggin' brilliant.

i can't wait until laibach come here. they are so intense.

 

5:21pm

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
THE CAM I BROUGHT IN TWICE TO BE FIXED IS STILL NOT FIXED!!!!
MY GOD.
so.....

i have to bring it in AGAIN, for a 3rd time!!!
i don't know if they HAVE to try to fix it for a 3rd time and THEN after that, if they don't fix it, i get a new camera, or if i get a new camera NOW. i want them to give me a brand new camera NOW. i do not want to wait for weeks AGAIN to get it back just to find out it's not fixed!!!!

this shit is drving me bat nutty insane.

the other cam, is back on.
cam2 will have to wait until they give me a brand new camera.
godfuckingdammittomotherfuckinghell.

*breathe breathe breathe*

they WILL give e new camcorder. they WILL give me a new camcorder they WILL!!!!

motherfuckingstupid ass "geek squad".

 

4:11pm

yes, i am an idiot when it comes to wires. but even jason was somewhat confused by all my wires over here as he helped me get my original camera (that was put into the shop to be fixed twice..and we'll see if it is FINALLY fixed now!) back on the right tripod, with the right cords, on the right video capture card.

and then we tried to get all the cords together to get the cam that i was using for my main cam, as cam #2, but as luck always has it, i STILL need ONE more damn cord to make that work with the long cords i need to make it be able to go into the bathroom and kitchen. i always need ONE more cord. gah.
so...it's ALL set up to go...except we need ONE more stupid cord to make it work...and we'll get to radioshack to get that, at some point soon, i hope.

good grief. why can't there just be ONE universal cord that connects EVERYthing?
wouldn't that be great? my house is a criss cross of black cords all which become completely tangled and it's hard to ever know what is attached to what anymore. it's ridiculous.
and then when i go into the thing room to look through my box of cords i can't SEE because i had to disconnect all the lights in there because they were attached to extensions cords i had to get rid because of the fire inspection the other day.

if i could live a life without cords it would be dreamy! i'd be able to VACUUM my floor and do things like not trip all the time so there would be less bruises on my body!

i wish i had the money to pay someone to go out and buy me all wireless everything and set it up for me.

cords cords cords!!!

god, i'm sorry i'm so damn CRANKY these days. but i am one cranky mutha!!!

 

1:31pm

why is it that everything and anything looks cool when it's reflected in symmetry?
(at least to me.)

someone told me that someone jewish should come and kick my ass because i put a swastika symbol up in my attempt that sometimes icons can spread hate and aren't' "just icons" that we should ignore and not be offended by.
and hilariously missing then my entire point that if they are getting all upset by this icon, then it's not "just an icon" , is it?
i just told her my boyfriend is jewish so i guess i'll get him to spank me today :) ha :)

and then this other girl, when i should her the statistics that birth and pregnancy cause more deaths in women that the birth control pill does, she said "what is this, some sort of "fuzzy math?"
(and she claims to be a biology major). good luck with college!

i did all my daily stuff i do when i wake up. check email, check all the places online i check (drudge report, cnn, pluckyfluff yarn, friends list). then brushed teeth, did the credit cards, cleaned a bit, and now i still have some more little things like that to do, like make some people some passwords who won for last week's anapix, and i get back to the guy who wants to buy my $300 camera for $99 *cringe*, and maybe i will sell that multipillar hat for $99 to this woman, i don't know. it all makes me cringe so terribly. but i need to the money. i need it RIGHT now.
all i have is $100 in the bank and i haven't even paid my electric bill for 2 months. everything else is paid, but by this end of the month there is going to be all the bills again, rent, etc. and...i am truly a bit scared, but i'm trying not to be, because what good is being scared? being scared doesn't make me money. i just have to ACT. i have to PRAY, i have to sell things and hope people buy things. i hate living this way. it's so stressful.
but i choose this kind of stress over having to deal with some insanely bitchy power hungry boss and the politics of all that kind of stuff. i would rather slice my wrists than work for someone else in a job i found meaningless. i mean, i truly would, because i cannot mentally handle it. it makes me completely flip out and shut down.

so, today jason is going to help me set up the second cam.
i know i could do it if i just really focused. it's not rocket science.
but when i "get like this" (extremely stressed out) sometimes even doing the simplest of things is "fuzzy math" today. ha! i mean, jason cannot deal with sewing a button on his jacket, he cannot mentally deal with that at all, he just shuts down when he has to even THINK of a needle and thread. so, i will get him to help me with this cam thing.
men and women are so funny. it's so funny that i really DO NOT mind sewing a button on, even tho it's totally boring. and i like to cook and spin and crochet. i like pink. what is up with that?
and he likes to build computers and figure out "code" and stuff. and he can't understand why i don't why i don't want to know how a computer works. i mean, i'm not very interested in even knowing how my refrigerator works either. y'know?

that was always one of the things about being "a woman in rock" that was funny...guys coming up to me and asking me technical questions about my "gear" and my "set up". i really could care less about questions like that.
like WHY did i pick the guitar i did? it looked and sounded cool. that is the extent of it.
i really had nothing more to say about it than that.
i'm not a musician's musician. i don't consider myself a musician because i hate playing musical instruments.
i only play them because i HAVE to in order to write and play my songs. other than that, i don't care all that much.
they are heavy and expensive and unweildly. i hate lugging them around, i hate if they have too many buttons.

i wish i could just somehow make my music without having to pick up some heavy ass thing made out of wood or metal and make my hands memorize intricate positions.

that's why i just consider myself a singer. my instrument is already built in me. i don't have to carry it around and plug it in.

anyway, i'm procrastinating...

i will now go and lug heavy metal things around now to get this cam set up.
and figure out what cord gets attached to whatever cord and get a page made that makes 2 cams.
and make remotes for them and link to them and all that jazz that goes into doing that.

i just want to float off into a pink cloud.

but i can't. i have to sit here in heavy physical reality and carry heavy stuff and make wires connect and it's just so archaic to me. the physical world feels to me like an unweildly ungraceful rhinocerous that i am trying to teach to tap dance today.

sometimes i love physical reality and how hilarious and absurd it is.
and, i have to get myself into that mind set, i guess, so i can laugh at how archaic this is.
wires and hair and food and wood and metal and fuel.

oh, and i am putting a reminder here to write down my epic of a dream where i was in this huge colliseum and then then my black friend and i got chosen to meet oprah, for some reasoon, and my dad was in it, and i had to steal some clothes..and i'll write all down later. it was really really weird.