october 13th, 2004
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10:57pm

i can't tell if i need to engage more or disengage more...

trust more or trust less.

gain more of a sense of humour or...

Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out?

ya, it think that's it....

yep.

help.

i feel so conf-used.

confu-cius says...

"Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out"

 

 

10:24pm

there is so much more i want to say.
i just dont have the energy.
fuck.

all i can say is i am DAMN LUCKY and FORTUNATE
that i have the CHOICE to turn my tv off and go focus on something more positive while other people's lives are being obliterated and bombed and raped.

i can go, "i'll just turn off the tv and unplug the phone and go focus on what i want"
while other familes are people are being shot at and slowly starved and raped.

the attitudes of some people i even consider very compassionate, aware, and "good" makes me seriously sick.

 

10:14pm

something i deleted from my lj and didn't finish:

i am sorry.
i am trying to figure out how i can, as an individual human woman, help to heal and not add to pain.
i am sorry that i haven't figured it out yet.
i am sorry my country (government) has lied to you and to us.
please do not hate the american people, as a whole. deal with us as individuals, not a collective, as you would wish to be dealt with.
true, many of "us" are fucktards (this is true everywhere).
but many of us are sickened by what is being done in our names.
do not believe the media or the hype.
we are the unheard americans.
i am trying to be heard.
i am sorry.
<lj-cut>
even in the crochet lj community, where someone is allowed to have an icon that says if you are a democrat you are on drugs, and if you are a republican have a brain, my posts are deleted just for saying that i think that saying that ALL democrats are on drugs is simplistic. and posts which say "i love your icon" are allowed. fine enough. whoever is the moderator of the crochet community can do what they like, they are the moderator. they can do what they want. i know i have certainly pissed off MANY people in my judgement calls as moderator.
this is the icon:
<img src="http://userpic.livejournal.com/19441359/891865">
but fucking a.
fuck.

i don't know what else to say in this moment.

i really hate these shallow simplistic labels that shut down brain activity, IM-not-so-humble-O.

i mean, i'm sure the people voting for bush wouldn't like to have said about them that they are ALL simplistic morons on drugs who haven't even thought about what are the effects of voting for bush are upon the ENTIRE world (not just themselves and their families) simply based on the debates or the media. i would like to think that people actually THOUGHT about shit, for real.
not just saying simplistic stuff like "you saw farenheit 9/11" so you didn't think for yourself... you just let a movie make YOUR decision FOR you. or you are democrat, you must be on drugs.

fucking a! people. WAKE UP.

and also realize just because YOU are fine doesn't mean the rest of u are fine! my god!

hello! i exist! and so do millions of others who are barely scraping by! many whose entire lives are blown to BITS because of "our presidents".

maybe this election WON'T effect you either way. maybe you are fine either way. then GOOD. damn! i WISH i was in your position.

 

 

7:19pm

it cracks me up so bad when i feather my hair. you have no idea.
i used to feather back my hair before i knew who i was. i tried so hard to fit in. i suppose almost every teenager goes through that. but after i discovered new wave and punk i felt so more "me", and i finally had a hair style i could wear that looked actually BETTER after you had slept on it (you know, teased big messy hair like the cure).
and feathered back hair became this symbol of everything i despised. you know, girls who tried to be so "perfect" and tried so hard to "fit in" (for which i was),and girls who were cruel and cliquey and bitchy and worst of all "fakey".
but now, feathering my hair back, almost 30 years later with the PINK, to me, it cracks me me up so bad.
because those girls, at the time and place HATED weird coloured hair. and to do their type of hair in pink just feels like a giant fuck you to them, for me. it's my own personal inside joke.
i don't think many of you can maybe relate to what i am saying because not many of you, in ana2, except a few, were punk girls in 1981 in a really backwards town. i mean, it was so bad, the cruelty, that i quit high school 3 months before i graduated. and then not many of you, i don't think, if any, are feathering back your hair in a weird colour so it has this weird symbolism for you.
but for me, it's like reclaiming a word that was used against you and owning it again and making it have no power over you. and the hate for that word and what it represented to you just melting away...like bitch or slut or whore.
just reclaiming it back and owning it and loving it and incorporating it back into you in a good way.
taking that word and making it work FOR you instead of against you.
it's like take THAT, feathered back hair, i'm owning YOU now.

it's hard to explain. but it feels good. and it's like this little triumph in me.

3:52pm

anapix winners!
anapix entries shown and winners announced and get your next photo for the next round! enter and win free ana2.com!
GO HERE:
http://www.anacam.com/anapix2

1:57pm

vintage canon camera for sale

http://www.anacam.com/lj2004/camera/

i still have this camera for sale with all it's accessories.
make me an offer. any offer.
ana101@hotmail.com

+++

http://homepage.mac.com/thetattooist/.Movies/whiteblack.swf

mark emailed me this url. ha :) my goodness.

12:53pm

so tonight is the last presidential "debate" before the election.
woo hoo.
i can't wait for this election to be over with.
i'm just glad america's next top model is on before the debate.

had rotten dreams all night.
1st a huge one about my mother that i can't remember anything about except that it was about my mother.

then i dreamed that i wanted to go into my juno email and get out some of the addresses in there that i need to tell those people that i closed that account down, but it kept wanting to dowload all new mail without my permission. and so i kept doing ctrl alt delete to turn the programme off to stop it. but it wouldn't work. it just kept downloading and downloading all this crap onto my computer.

and then i dreamt that a semi truck full of stuff i didn't need or want got dropped off at my house. things i had looked at on the internet one night and clicked on thinking i wanted to buy, and then thought the best of it and didn't order it. but it all arrived in my house anyway, and more of it than i ever wanted and it was going to be a huge bill of thousands and thousands of dollars and i didn't know how i was going to pay for it all or how to return it.
it was HUGE stuff, too, like huge pieces of metal that were as big as walls, and garbage bags that were as big as parachutes, and men's boots that were way too big for me, and sheets of plexiglass, and tons of weird tools that i didn't even know what they were for, and metal trays and safety goggles, and a huge welding apron.

i guess i can see the symbolism in that now as i write it out.

oh ya, i remember another dream now where i was some sort of fetish model in russia or someplace.
and i kept having to wear nylons and shoes that didn't fit.
and walk around on uneven rocks or soggy soil.
and creepy men hung out under the bridges.

anyway, i'm glad to be out of the dream state because it was all exhausting.

today is grey and 50 degrees.
my house is cold.

they are still pounding new carpeting on in the halls, and it's freaking out the dogs , as well as some construction outside.
so i had my gun silencer headphones on as i slept this morning.

i need to get to the p.o. box today.
and clean because the fire inspectors are coming tomorrow , they told me yesterday.