october 12th, 2004
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10:53pm

oh ya, i remember now what i was going to tell you. *NEWS FLASH*
there were 2 pictures yesterday of me picking my nose that cracked me up pretty bad.
of course i didn't save them. but if you caught them i'm sure you had a good laugh, i know i did :)
ah, the glamourous life of the camgirl. right.
ah, and such an important subject to talk about. yep.

i watched frontline tonight about bush and kerry. some of it was right on and interesting. some of it was just..augh.
i can't WAIT until these elections are over with.

now i'm kind of 1/2 watching nightline.
i need to throw my tv out the window.

 

10:22pm

i remembered as i went to the little store today for beverages that i had another dream about decadant chocolates.
odd. i never dream about it, but the remembering of the dream as i browsed the candy isle (just because there are not many isles of anything in "the little store", i saw chocolate and bought a hershies candy bar with almonds.
they are a lot smaller than i remember them being.
i'm glad i don't remember my dreams lately, being about blood and chocolate., which funnily enough, is the name of an elvis costello album.

i had something else to tell you, too, but now i don't even remember that.
such is the state of my brain lately.

i can't believe a documentary crew will be here in a week.
also, the fire dept rescheduled for the 14th.
so i have some major cleaning to do.

this will be good. i need something completely mundane to focus on.

and i need to get that second cam hooked up for you all.
i will do that ASAP.

8:24pm

ok, i'm starting to feel myself get the scales balanced within myself again. a tiny sense of normalcy and grounding are happening again. like a tiny seed in me trying to grow. i am nurturing it.
my attention span is still practically at zero. but i will get it back.
i'm taking care of myself as best i can. and i am hopeful.

i feel good about the steps i have taken to block my mother from contacting me.
i know they could all fail, but i know i have tried my very best.
and i feel good for that.

another reason i want to delete my ana and anavoog journals temporarily is because in one journal, my mom has added me as her only friend, so i, and i alone, can see what she is writing. and i don't want to be tempted to read it.
when she sees my journals name xed off and deleted, she will know more that i do not want to read her journal. i still am not strong enough to not go there and read. and i know that what she will do then, to make sure i read them, is make all the posts public. but i hope not. but even so, i know i am taking measures from stopping myself from being able to read her journal for 25 days. and i need to break myself of that bad habit.
i'm trying...i'm trying the best i can, and that is all i can do.

if none of this works, i am prepared to just relinquish every single way of trying to control this.
and i will learn to let it move through me as if i am transparaent instead of it hitting me and me reacting to it.
and i am already, in myself, working on these skills for the time that comes when all the walls i have put up around me crumble.
but, you see, this bides me just a little bit of time. it gives me just a few days, a few weeks of a buffer, so i can gain more strength in myself and be able to become transparent, to bend and not to break.
and these are my steps i am taking to bide myself just a little bit of time to gain this skill more effectively.

5:27pm

well, i guess i am just going to go with the "it was a fucked up guy on drugs who called the wrong number" theory.
if this person calls again, i will have one of my scary man friends call this person back and tell him where to shove it.
and my number is changing in a few days anyway..so....
just...weirdness, you know??

4:43pm

i have no idea what the fuck is going on with my life right now,
but i just got the creepiest message on my machine from some guy whispering in a very very creepy voice, i can't tell what he is saying because he sounds so drugged out. but he has the same area code number as my mom, which is a bizarre coincidence. but it's not my mom's number. nor did it sounds anything like my mom, it was definitely some creeped out drugged out drunk insane man.
i hope to fucking god that was just a wrong number he called and not some fucked up stalker of me.
i mean what the HELL is going on with my life right now??
i would really like to know!!
WHAT IS THE DEAL???
like i really needed that fucked up thing to happen to me too! gah!
fuck! i'm glad i'm changing my phone #. good lord.
what on earth is the deal???

i don't have the name, i only have the number. is there any way to find out a person's name from their phone number?

ok, to add to the even MORE bizarreness of this , i went to this site:
http://www.thedirectory.org/cgi-bin/phonedb/lookup.cgi

and it was about the area code of 763
and it said look up a prefix.
i don't know what a prefix is, but i think it is maybe the 1st 3 numbers of a person's phone number, i'm guessing?

so i put in the prefix of 537, which was the person's number.

and it came back this:

Area Code: 763

Prefix: 537

Location: Crystal

and crystal is my mother's name! (and also a town in minnesota).

i mean how fucking WEIRD can that be? what are the fucking chances???
if i was a paranoid schizophrenic i would be jumping out a window right about now.

12:45pm

i'm not sure yet, but i'm thinking of deleting both of my journals, ana and anavoog, just for 25 days, to see if THAT will help to make my mom go away.
but i'm not sure if that will have any affect. so... i don't know if i will do it.

+++

wrote this in both my ana and anavoog ljs:

ATTENTION: NEW JOURNAL

i may temporarily delete both this journal and my anavoog journal in hopes that my mom will go away. right now i've blocked her so that she cannot see anacam or ana2. she may be one of you on my friends list right now, in which case, everything i am writing in this post is pointless. but, just in case she actually has no way of ever knowing this post, like no one is reporting back to her what i write here in private (as people have done in the past), i'll just try this anyway. because i'll try anything, at this point to try and get her to go away.

so...the journal i will be posting in IF i decide to delete both my ana and anavoog journal will be "it", which is a journal i made way back in 2000 as a community for people to post pictures of weird and scary dolls, but the community never really caught on, so i turned it back into a personal journal but never used it, but kept it because it was such a cool username and i didn't know if i may need it someday for another community i may make or something.

well, i guess that something has arrived and so i may go over there for a month, as i delete my ana and anavoog journal only temporarily. it will be friends only.

i'm not going to delete my ana and anavoog journal for a few days so that i can make sure you all see this message and aren't all confused if you see my journals gone, suddenly.

and when and IF i delete my journals, don't delete them from your friends list, because i will reactivate them in 25 or so days after i've deleted them.

also, there are some people who read my journal who aren't on my friends list, so they can't see this message. if any of them ask you where i am just tell them to email me at ana101@hotmail.com , and i will tell them where i am if i check up on their journals and they seem like safe people.
just don't go publically announcing it anywhere as my mom will probably find it, and then this entire thing i am trying to do will be pointless.

thanks.