october 11th, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

10:24pm

"Happiness doesn't come from what I obtain,
but from what I let go of.
Life isn't about what I get,
its about what I leave behind."

i got that from a friend's journal. i don't know if she wrote it or who wrote it.

but it is TOTALLY right on for me right now.

talked to my dad. gave him my new number.
it was hard talking to him about mom.
and then when i was done i said "i'm sorry, i won't talk about that anynmore to you"
and he said "ok"
and that was that.
i wish i didn't feel this need to apologize for existing or being in pain sometimes.

to my few friends who call me and leave messages on my machine, if you read this, i would ask of you that you not call me until i have announced that my new phone # is in effect because every time i see my answering amchine beeping, it fills me with dread and and panic that it is a message maybe from my mom and it takes me hours before i have the guts and mental preparation to go over to it and listen to it to see who called. it causes me so much stress. it would be best to just not call me and only email me until after i know for certain in cannot be my mom who is calling me.

for those of you who want my new number, don't worry, you will get it.
i just have a lot on my plate right now and i am overloaded.
and my new number isn't even in effect right now anyway.

5:27pm

checked up to make sure my mom's IP is still blocked her from seeing anything on anacam or ana2, and it's working.
she tries to check my site every hour or more. i don't understand why she doesn't give up.
when she goes anywhere on anacam or ana2 all she gets is a blank white page. you'd think she'd just give up by now trying to look. but no...like a bird flying repeatedly into a closed window or a moth smacking it's head on a lightbulb..she continues on.

i can't wait until my phone number changes so i don't have to live in fear of my phone, too.

i can't remember if i ate anything today. now that i think of it, i don't think i have. i've just been living off c2.
i should take a vitamin, too. i'll go that now.
then try to call my dad again.
i wish i felt comfortable talking to him about mom.
but he really doesn't like to hear about it, so i don't say much about it when i talk to him.

 

4:13pm
another absolutely exhausting day.
tried to block my mom's # but i guess i need to buy that option for it to work, which costs 4.50 a month to do it.
and so rather than pay $54.00 a year to block her, which would make me resent losing that money,
and seeing the constant reminder of it on my phone bill, i opted to just change my number.
it will be changed in 5 or 7 days, because it needs to be coordinated with my DSL or something.
like if i had the number changed today, i would not have DSL for 5 days.
so..i hope this all works out and nothing gets screwed up and my DSL doesn't get completely fuct anyway, because as we all know from experience, dealing with phone companies and dsl companies and trying to get them to NOT make huge mistakes many times is a difficult task.
so...i'll see whast happens. hopefully, it will be a smooth transition and i will not be without my DSL.
and then i have to find the numbers of everyone who needs my number, like my credit card billing people and la-de-da...all that. which is a huge pain in the ass for me.

i tried to call my dad but he wasn't home. i don't even know if his machine was working because it was acting all weird on me. this has been a really weird day of mishaps.

is mercury in retrograde or something?

i mean, i couldn't even get a new number, the system was saying there were NO new numbers to give out! so he had to put me on hold forever and do everything manually.
and the guy i was talking to was just a little too creepily friendly for me.
he reminded me of a child molester or something. saying i sounded so young and just being really weirdly too friendly for my comfort. asking me personal questions. it really grossed me out.
telling me he was going to change my number "for free" because he had some special way of making it so i didn't have to pay and i was like "no, really i don't mind paying 20 bucks, it's NOT a big deal" and he was all insistent on trying to give me this for free, almost in a creepy flirty way. it was really freaking weird.

i'm so damn sick of having to deal with weird creepy people at every fucking turn of my life.
it's like they are just EVERYwhere , crawling out of the woodwork at me.
i feel icky all over.

2:35pm

some GOOD news of the day.
jason was NOT laid off from his job (but a few of his co-workers were).
so jason is considerably less stressed out now and much much happier and WAY super super relived!
i am SO happy about this :)

1:57pm

my mom is now posting anonymously is my friend's journals, too.
if you could delete her comments or at least screen them, i would GREATLY appreciate it. thank you!!!
and please, do NOT engage in discussion with her as this will only validate her behaviour and make her continue to try to get to me this way. she says she is not understanding why i have cut her out of my life. but i have written her novel upon novel throughout the years on this subject. so she very much knows why i have cut her out of my life. she will try to engage you in discussions by acting all sorrowful and confused as to why i have cut her out of my life. these are lies. she knows damn well why i have done what i have done. she is just trying every trick in the book to engage anyone in a discussion about me. don't fall for it. please. as this will just make it hell for me even more than it already is.

and now i am looking up on how to block her phone # from my phone. later on, i will have to change my number completely because i know she will then just try to reach from another number.

i've also made it so that all registered lj users can reply in my journal, but those by nonfriends will be screened.
i didn't know i had that option. that works better for me since there are people i would still like to be able to reply in my journal if they want to that aren't on my friends list

1:31pm

well, my mom called me to make sure i knew about her pivione journal.
as if i hadn't somehow noticed it as she barraged my friends journals and my journal with that one yesterday enough.
oh gee, i didn't NOTICE your fucking JOURNAL that i had to ban, mom. ya, thanks for making SURE i know it's there. and thanks for the hollow ass apology for contacting me AGAIN even tho i have made it clear to you that i do not wish you to at all ever again for any reason whatsoever. your apology means SO much to me, selffish bitch.
ya, i can feel just how sorry you are. and nice to let me know that you NEED to have this journal, too, so you can let the world know what a great and loving mom you are *barf* and work through your pain.
and thanks for letting me know that this journal of yours may actually HELP me, too!
thanks for thinking of me in that way, because ya, as we all know i LOVE when you make new journals and expound lie upon guilt ridden fucktard lie one on the other in them. this really HELPS me.
i'm so glad you're doing this for ME, to HELP me understand you better.
how seriously loving and unselfish of you.
thanks for helping me know MORE about YOU.
thanks for calling me on the phone again to let me know how helpful you are.
and wow, ya, i hadn't even NOTICED your new manipulative asshat journal. wow!
gee! really? you started another lj? wow, thanks for that incredible insight!

1:04pm

i'm just sitting here in a patch of sunlight listening to music tyong to get motivated to do SOMETHING.
maybe i will just force myself to crochet. my creativity has been so zapped and diminished
although i HAVE made some pretty cool photos here and there. especially yesterday.
i need to get it back full time, tho, and sink my teeth into something substantially creative to get myself back together.
to focus on happy things. things of beauty.
i'm doing everything within my power to not crumble or fall into a vortex of negativity and depression and rage.
and i must say, i am at least winning THAT war. it's the only war i CAN win because the only control i have is over myself.
i am angry that i was cornered so much that i had to make this thing even more public. and i hope i don't have too much fallout from that. but i have just no control over it. what is it what is and what will happen is what will be.
all i can do is just try to pick myself up, once again, and keep moving forward in my life, even if it is only one inch at a time.
i am proud of myself for not crumbling into a pile of nonfunctional rubble.
i'm getting a bit better each time at picking myself and dusting myself up and moving forward again.
or at least not moving backward.
i do admit that xanax from india has helped me quite a bit through this. and i hope i don't become addicted to it or something.
but i've gotten off that before, too, so i know i can do it. it only sucks for a week or so. but ya, if i didn't have xanax i might very well be a pile of nonfunctioning rubble.
i haven't even cried this time, i almost did a few times and then i just buried it deep down because i just don't want to "go there".
but i know i need some kind of release. i am hoping i can release it through my art.

11:30am

today they are putting new carpeting in the halls of this building, so there is pounding pounding pounding from the outside of my door, but there is also pounding and jackhammers and construction outside my window, too.
so i am getting it from all sides today, soundwise.

so far today, no new surprises on the mom front.
she hasn't called me on the phone, or figured out to write me a gmail yet or at my webmaster email.
and, as far as i know, she hasn't posted in any of my friends journals today.
but i remain on the edge of my seat, like a person in a war, for anything and everything to happen.

i can't remember my dreams, but i have a vague memory of them having a lot of blood in them.