october 10th, 2004
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10:22pm
another thing she does that drives me nuts is she writes these poems or "words of wisdom" and doesn't give proper credit to who wrote them. the way she writes them, it seems like she is claiming them as her own. so typical of a narcissist.
like this poen i thought she wrote that she has posted twice now in 2 different journals of hers, which begins:
"my love is thick as rust" is actually a poem by someone else:

http://www.ericajong.com/poems/totaleclipse.htm

gah.

i'm sorry to get so nitpicky but fucking a!!! this day has truly been one of the most exhausting days of my entire life. and that is saying a LOT. and i am just SO pissed off and bewildered.
because i am trying SO HARD to move forward and beyond this.
every day it takes everything in me to move forward, and just when i move one inch and think i can get back to life, my mom attacks me from some new fucking angle.

i wouldn't be surprised if she starts showing up at my doorstep or something. i really don't know what she is capable of, at this point.
she really is capable of just about anything, it seems.

8:58pm

and my mom keeps on lying, of course, saying she never visited my website.
well, just today jason fixed it so that her IP is blocked from seeing anything on anacam or ana2.
we saw just how many times she logged onto anacam on the last 2 days (A LOT!!) , and we watched her, live, as she tried to keep accessing anacam, even after she was blocked.
so that is all a fucking lie, just as everything she says is a lie.
then she went onto the yahoo seacrh engine and typed in "ana voog + mom+ invasion" are various things like that.
we could see she did this because..well, i can't even explain it because i am not technically minded like that to explain it, but we saw it. and so, she's just lying about ever visiting my site. just so you know. she lies about EVERYTHING, even the smallest of things.
that's how addicted to lying she is.

8:12pm

it has been an emotional wreck of a day for me.
but somehow i have managed to make it to this hour somewhat still intact... barely. my mom posted today in 5 of my friends journals, and 3 times from 3 separate journals of hers in mine.
she is doing a very good job of looking like she actually has empathy and that she actually cares about me and is some sort of victim. i can assure you, this is the furthest thing from the truth.
she is a master of manipulation. please don't let her fool you with her heartbreaking posts about how much she loves me and is mourning her loss of me.
any loss she is truly mourning over is loss of control over me.
i wrote this in my lj in a friends only post:

ABOUT MY MOTHER: ATTENTION! PLEASE READ THIS

my mother is very psychotic and she is stalking and harrassing me on the internet. i will let you know all her journals (she has 15 so far that i know of and keeps making more in order to harrass me) so that you can ban all of them from your journals, too. because, no doubt, she will follow me into any of your journals, too, as she has done in the past.
i've made it so that only people on my friends list can comment, for the time being, in hopes this will slow my mother down somewhat from trying to harrass me. but i know that this action will just make her go post in your journals, too, in order to get to me. she has posted in my journal under 3 different lj usernames to some of you just in the last day. (ok, goddamit, she HAS already started posting in my friends journals!! GODDAMIT!!!)

if my mother ever comments to you, PLEASE do not reply to her. please give her NO NOTICE whatsoever! i BEG of you. and please let me know if it happens so i can delete the comment. and if it happens in your journal (under god knows what lj username) let me know so i can ban any new journals she makes. and email me what she wrote along with her IP, because i am keeping track and documented her harrassment of me in case i need to file a restraining order on her in the future. don't be fooled by the "niceness" what she writes. it's manipulation to make you think she is the poor spurned mother who loves me and i am the rotten daughter who has cut off ties with her. don't let that fool you. she is the queen of manipulation.

i will explain this all to you better later and let you know all her journals. but right now i am shaking too much to even type very well.
and i have to just go try to calm down now, somehow.

and i will let you more on this later when i've calmed down some. because i am too upset to go into this in any detail right now. my brain is spinning and i'm shaking all over.

i've tried so hard to keep this all under wraps as best i could here in lj-land. because i didn't want it to grow into a huge drama. but her recent insane violating activity and infiltration in this new way has made it essential that i let you know what is going on.

++++

adding on to this now...
i really didn't want to go this public with this but snce she has now commented in about 5 of my friends journals today, and i know she is going to go through each and everyone of you to get to me here is part of the story: [...]

if you don't have time to read that url, and you go to her journals and see her writing all this loving stuff towards me and mourning the loss of me, that is all a bunch of crap. what she is mourning the loss of is loss of control over me. this is a woman who told me my breasts were grotesque and that i am stupid and promote rape. this is a woman who said my hair looks like a cancerous growth and that i am dead to her. this is a woman who killed my pet mouse by throwing it into a snow bank and who yelled at me when i was 16 when i gave her a song that i had written her for mother's day because what she REALLY wanted was a "dustbuster".
this is a woman who will not leave me alone no matter how much i beg and plead with her and tell her that each time she contacts me it is like her axing me in the heart. this is a woman who has lied and lied to me and broken promises to me time and time again.
this is a woman who makes so many journals with so many pretend lives that it is insane. making up children she had that never existed. like saying my brother is a rich lawyer when in truth he is on welfare. telling people she is 47 and rich and famous when she is 58 and not. she lives in a fantasy land and i truly believe that she believes her lies which is why she can be so convincing.
she has narcissistic personality disorder and is a pathological liar:
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html

please I BEG YOU ALL ON MY HANDS AND KNEES DO NOT REPLY TO HER IN YOUR JOURNALS OR IN HER JOURNALS!!! this will only add fuel to the fire and it will make it HELL for me.

she is VERY good at acting like a very sane nice normal mother.
she is VERY good at it. but she is NOT. what she is saying to you in a few of your journals and in hers are LIES. she is NOT what she seems!

her journals that i know of:

goovana, barebspool, olig, parressia, willowlady, patmos, third_F, third_flower, vinduet, pivione, augustine77, ontopofit, diamantos, topaz_lake

her IP, is : 66.41.65.21

i know that even some of you on my friends list have even had her, unknowingly, on your friends list. i know that on the surface she seems like a nice cake baking mom. she can seem as nice as pie.

i told her to not contact me ever again. but she will not stop. she has no respect for my boundries AT ALL. do NOT be fooled by all this lovey shit is is writing about me, acting like she loves me and she is this poor mom who has been a victim of some misunderstanding.

these are VICIOUS manipulations and lies and she is DAMN good at putting on this fake mask. in reality, even tho i BEG her to leave me alone, she has now called me on the phone so that i must now change my phone #, i've had to block her from my website, when i block her emails, she makes NEW ones so she can keep on emailing me. when i block her journals she makes NEW journals. she will stop at NOTHING. she does NOT care about me or my boundries, she is COMPLETELY INSANE and obsessed and psychotic.

even when i tell her that every time she contacts me it makes me cry so hard i throw up, she continues to try to contact me.

is THAT love? no, that is fucked up selfish obsession.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, i beg of you all on my hands and knees to please ban these journals and please do NOT email her, or talk to her in any journal. if any of you do this, she will be fueled FURTHER and this will continue to make my life a living hell. if you care at ALL about me and my wellbeing and my sanity you will NOT try to contact her in ANY way whatsoever!

i need to close all the doors that i possibly can that she can get in from if i am to feel even an ounce of safety in my life.

she even thinks that the photos i put up in my lj lately are MESSAGES to her. as if i am trying to speak to her directly and secretly through my photos. that is PSYCHOTIC.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not allow her to draw you into her web. please do not contact her.
please delete any comments she may make in your journals.

i cannot stress ENOUGH how VERY IMPORTANT this is for me.
i NEED you to do this so that she cannot try to manipulate you into getting to me and hurting me further. and she is going to try EVERY trick in the book to pull at your heartstrings.
i need you to do this so i can feel somewhat safer from her.

and please do not talk about this in your journal so she can see that. and do not share with any other people the url i have given you to read without my permission first. i need to keep this contained and as drama free as i possibly can (even tho it's already wildly out of control, it seems, thank to her posting in your journals).

please please help me out here and please have respect for my wishes to help put this fire out so she cannot hurt me further, thank you.
Current Mood: distressed

2:38pm

holy fucking shit!!!!!!!!
she has ANOTHER fucking LJ!!!!
and she just posted TWICE in my journal just now in response to 2 of my friends in my journal!!!
this one named pivione that she started THIS journal in september!!!!
i have now banned THAT one, too!!!
i cannot believe this shit!!!!
i am just shaking all over!!!!!!!
she is PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what the fuck???????????????????

 

(66.41.65.21) Sunday, October 10th, 2004 07:26 pm
Re: expressive eyes
ana is frowning at her mom because she is mad at her and has an unforgiving heart, which is rather sad, I think, especially since her mom thinks she is the nicest daughter that ever was born and wants a relationship with her. I am her mom, so I should know eh?

and

(66.41.65.21) Sunday, October 10th, 2004 07:29 pm
I am anas mom and I think so too.

(she is referring to that she thinks i look fabulous, too, in repsonse to one of my friends who said i looked fabulous)

and what the fuck kind of creepy ass comment is that about my photo being about that i am frowning AT HER??? like i made this photo specifically FOR her as a communication to her???
and i'm NOT frowning or scowling in the picture.
i mean, this is now absolutely PSYCHOTIC!!!
this is really scaring me. this is REALLY extremely psychotic of my mom. she has done some really psycho things, but this is REALLY getting EXTREMELY psychotic now. i mean truly truly truly psychotic.

i'm quivering like a leaf.
i'm trying to get on with my day, i;m trying so hard to just keep on going, god GODDAMIT!!!
this is just PSYCHOTIC and i feel so VIOLATED!!!
and my mom, she really truly is SICK. i mean BIG time sick.
as in, i seriously..i don't even know what to say to this. just when i think she has done the utmost of psychotic things she tops herself by becoming even MORE psychotic!!!

wtf?????????

and you know, i could make it so that only people i have on my friends list can reply in my journal.
but that ISN'T going to work because, in the past, she then follows me into my friends journals and attacks me THERE.
she could go find me where i post in communities and post to me THERE.
i mean, there is just NO ESCAPE from her!

i have not replied to her. i've just deleted the cmments and then banned those journals.
but i feel like even deleting and banning her is giving her attention, you know?
i mean, this is what kind of interaction she can have with me. if i delete her and ban her then i am giving her NOTICE.
but i HAVE to delete and ban her, you know?
so i'm damned if i do and i'm damned if i don't.

i don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

 

2:13pm

getting on with my day. banned about 5 of my mom's journals i had forgotten to ban.
then she deleted her diamantos one. i'm making a bath with rose oil.
listening to mellow music. took 1/2 a xanax.
took some pictures which i am working on getting up in here now.
it's a beautiful day outside. sunny.66 degrees.
it would be good for me if i went for a walk, but i'm not going to push it.

12:47pm

i woke up at 9am today but laid in bed for 3 more hours in total anxiety.
trying so hard to pinpoint WHAT was the precise cause of this extreme anxiety i wake up to each and every day and if there was anything i could do, or any other mindset i could apply to myself that would alleviate this anxiety.
but nothing worked. and it's not just anxiety about one thing, it's just life in gerneral, like not having enough money, and certain things i need to get done that i don't (taxes), and just wanting my house clean and organized once and for all, and then of course my mom, and a few other things. basically it's just an al pervasive feeling of not being safe.

then i was sort of 1/2 in and out of sleep a bit, having tons of little anxious dreams, and then i kind fo half way astral projected out of my body which can happen to me sometimes if i am almost asleep but not quite and i am anxious. so i decided to try to get all the way out my body, but i couldn't as usual. and it was also disconcerting that i heard this tiny little voice, like the voice of a cartoon elf or child say "doom" as clear as a bell. or maybe they said "do", but i'm pretty sure it was "doom" and that didn't help matters with my anxiety, especially since i was 1/2 in and 1/2 out of my body. so i gave up on that. i know that will sound crazy to those of you who have never astral projected, but these are things that can happen when you are in that "inbetween" state.

then finally i said , fuck it, time to get up, i'm not going to be able to fix all my anxiety now. so, i give up trying for now. and i go to my computer and check my email, and see that my mother has posted in my journal AGAIN, this time under ANOTHER lj (diamantos) that i didn't know she had until now. it was one she made in 2003 but reopened it so she can try to speak to me through it or something, so she wrote in it.

she deleted the comment in my journal which was in my latest entry, a photo where my eyes are intense. and shannon kringen made a comment about my eyes having a look of concern in them and my mother responded to her:

"Subject: Re: expressive eyes
I know why she's scowling. But she is a very pretty scowler isn't she?"

what a creepy thing to say, too.

but then she deleted that comment and i wasn't able to get the IP from that.
i just have the comment because it was emailed to me.

now i don't know if my mom knows that i would still see that comment she made even tho she deleted it. as she is pretty dense about these things sometimes. but i am leaning towards that she knew damn well i'd get that message and that i would then go over to that journal to see if it was, indeed, her, and then see what she wrote.
because she knows damn well that i know that is a pseudonym she uses (toppy diamantos).

and , indeed, this is her way of trying to "get through to me"

as she says in her entry:

"This journal has been deleted for a long time. Today I decided to open it up to say a few things. I haven't decided what to say yet. All I know is that I'd like to figure out a way to get through to someone who is extremely misinformed about many things and doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept that I love her and have absolutely no ill will towards her. She has completely cut me off and it is such a waste. This person is my daughter. "

it's no fucking wonder i lay in bed with extreme anxiety every morning.
i never know what fucking bomb my mom is going to drop in my lap day to day.
every fucking day, almost, she takes her ice pick and tries to chip away at me and harrass me because she "loves me".

argh! she is so insane that i cannot even believe how insane she is.

and now i'm just shaking all over again.

shaking shaking shaking.

HOW MANY JOURNALS DOES SHE HAVE???

and how many will she make in her lifetime to post in my journal???

this is never going to end. just absolutely never.

and if i didn't already see proof that the "sliver" woman wasn't an absolute snake in the grass passive aggressive instigator of drama, i see she said THIS to my mom:

"...would you please e-mail me and let me know who it is who's bothering you, so I can at least torture him/her a bit?"

that was said a few months ago, and now she knows that the person my mom is being "bothered" by (ya, my MOM is being bothered! ha! rich.)
is me. but fuck, what an evil BITCH.

 

12:00am

and some porn