october 7th, 2004
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3:20pm

dealing dealing coping coping.

mark and carolyn will be here in 1/2 an hour and then we are going to eat lasagne that carolyn made and then we are going to go walk with the dogs, maybe, down by the mississippi.
although it looks more and more like it could rain.

the IP IS from minnesota. and it's comcast. it IS her.

i have to find coping skills i guess like people who are in chronic pain cope.
knowing that she is never going to stop harrassing me from every angle she can, and she will not ever stop even in death.
she will try to haunt me so i will have to get a ghostbuster.

i don't know what these coping skills are.. but i will get them and i will survive.

 

2:01pm

ok, so my mom DOES have ANOTHER lj wich she is using to post messages to me!!!!

she writes in her lj to someone:

"Yesterday I actully sent a note, anonomously, and told her I liked her hair. "

fucking a!!!!!!!!!!!

i have to figure out WHICH goddamn journal she is pretending to be yet ANOTHER person in and ban that journal, too!

WTF??????????????

god fucking dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she is just going to keep making journals and commenting in my journal!!!

i feel so fucking violated!!!!!!!!!!

ok, loking through my entries to my pink hair post.

i find: vinduet

and that person has now deleted their journal.

that HAD to be her!

IP # (66.41.65.21)

can someone check what IP that is?? trace that???

FUCKING A!!!!!!!!

and she writes that she did that in her lj, publicaly, knowing DAMN well i would read that so i would KNOW that there is NOTHING i can do to stop her from INFILTRATING inot my life in EVERY way!!!!!!!

why would she let that be known if she didn't want to torture me with this????

she is EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am just shaking.
my hands are shaking...
i can't breathe....

 

12:46pm

things i need to remind myself of hourly:

Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved.
Marcus Antonius

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha

For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

He who angers you conquers you.
Elizabeth Kenny

Get mad, then get over it.
Colin Powell

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.
George Jean Nathan

Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him.
Louis L'Amour

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Malachy McCourt

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.
Marcus Aurelius

Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back -- in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.
_Frederick Buechner

+++

it's more difficult to do this is someone is leaving sobbing manipulative messages on your answering machine.
but i will get there. i will!
i will learn to let go of this anger. somehow, someway.
i WAS getting better, i WAS.
2 steps forward, one step back, 2 steps forward...

10:55am

woke up this morning 'cause i had to pee and saw there was a message on my machine, and i thought it was from mark 'cause he was to email or call and let me know what is up for today, but it wasn't from him, it was my mom sobbing desperately about how i can stop punishing her now, and that she knows that what i am doing is to punish her but would i please stop now. and i was , of course, heartwrenching and heartbreaking and ripped me to shreds and made me feel so evil and bad and cold. and i wanted to call her back to console her. and i know her pain is real, but i also know i should not call her back or i'll be right back into her trap. and the part of me that is completely guilted out is really pissed off that she called me and did the biggest guilt tripping manipulative number she has pulled out of her hat yet, and after i told her to not contact me anymore. and after all the times i sobbed hysterically to HER for her to leave me alone but she wouldn't...and how those had no affect on her whatsoever. it never stopped her from just hurting me and hurting me. and so i know she was completely selfish to do this to me. because she knows damn straight what calling me, and especially leaving a message like that would do to me. i know her pain is real and that she really IS crying. but i am still pissed off. and i am now feeling just...horribly guilty and then also feeling guilty because i am PISSED OFF at her doing this to me. so i have guilt at many levels. i also feel guilty that i am NOT going to call her back to console her. and i feel guilty that part of me actually feels like "ya! see how it feels? doesn't feel GOOD, does it?"
and when my mom would continue to do things that caused me pain, she would say, "but this isn't about YOU, this is about ME. i'm not doing this to HURT you. i'm doing it because i am a separate person from you"
(she started repeating the "i am a separate person from you" thing after i told her she wasn't seeing ME as a separate person. so she flipped it around on me.)

and now , like a total bitch, i just want to say that back to her "but this isn't about YOU, this is about ME".
and completely discount and dismiss her pain like she has discounted and dismissed mine. but i'm not. i'm not going to talk to her.

and during her sobbing, she, of course, didn't say anything about me or how my feelings might factor into her calling me, and she didn't apologize for anything she has done. or apologize fr contacting me when i told her not to.

she just begged me to stop "punishing" her. and the one thing she was crying about the most is that i am now on friendly terms with the 2 women she wanted so badly to be friends with on lj, anahata56 and summerlady, who banned her from their journals because my mom did to anahata56 what she did to me. and anahata was freaking out, losing sleep, over what my mom had done to them. and now they both had to make their journals friends only because of my mom, as many have. and now i don't even post anything personal in my lj either, and haven't for a few years.

but that is what upsets her the most, that i talk to these people.

and i can understand that, because that is what she would do to me, but in a different way, and for different reasons.
but she would add my friends to her friends list. and she would become friends with my enemies.
and it drove me bezerk.

but she would just dismiss me and say "this is about me , not you. and i can do what i want because i am a separate person from you"

and so, i guess, i say back to her here, ya, well, you reap what you sow, mom.

and "this isn't about you, mom, it's about me, i am a separate person from you.
this shouldn't HURT you because it's not ABOUT you. (using her crazymaking tactics back on her)"

how does it feel? not too great, huh?

oh GOD...i just went to see if my mom's journal was back...and VOILA , there is it!
lo and behold. how many days was THAT?

yep, she doesn't give a SHIT about me.
so why should i give a shit about her?

ok, i'm not feeling so terribly guilted out anymore. now i'm just feeling manipulated and pissed and i feel like my boundries, were , once again, completely dismissed and ignored by her.

ok, and i've read what she wrote in her journal. i TOTALLY do NOT feel guilty at all now.
she is in there just lying and lying.
and why does she think i am "kicking her teeth in" and all these things like i am attacking her and ???
i haven't said one WORD to her.
all i have said is "do not contact me anymore. i am blocking your email from this account".
that is IT. everything else i have written to her , you saw all of it because i have posted it here in past anagrams.
she is in there painting the picture of the poor mother who loves her aughter unconditionally, and i am the horrible abusive daughter who is kicking her teeth in, stoning her, attacking her, abusing her.
she even says i posted in my lj about this, which i HAVEN'T.
and she says i am recruiting other people to attack her and humiliate her which i HAVEN'T.
and all the people she is saying are attacking her are NOT.
NO ONE is contacting her. all we want is for her to leave us alone!!!
everyone has made their journals friends only even. everyone has retreated in hopes that is they just retreat she will eventually give up and leave us alone!

and there is that fucking "sliver" wman in there pumping her up and enabling her disgusting behaviour and adding fuel to the fire.
saying that *I* am being "adolescent".

she is the ONLY one making public posts about this. in fact, no one is even making PRIVATE posts about it, except for me talking about it in HERE.

we ae all completely leaving her alone. and she's in there making public posts railing against how she is being attacked and abused and stoned to death.

i am really really really angry that she called me and left that godawful manipulative sobbing message on my answering machine.
FUCK THAT SHIT.

after i told her to NEVER contact me again.
and after the EXPLICIT emails i had with her in the past that told her when she doesn't respect my boundries and continues to contact me even tho she knows to do so rips me apart. i have been so explicit in telling her how much pain that causes me.

but she doesn't give a rats ass about that.
she is so fucking selfish and manipulative.

god, i am angry.
and i'm so pissed off that 2 hours of my morning has been dedicated to feeling this now.
and i WAS just finally getting a tiny bit better.
i was still exhausted from her last round.
but i was slowly ever so slowly bit by bit picking up the pieces of my soul and life and trying to get back on track.

and then WHAM, she weasels herself back into my life with the most manipulative asshat trick she has pulled YET.

and now i am going to have to change my phone number, too!
and jason says i can block her phone #, somehow.
but i know i have to change it because all she will do is just call me from a different phone to get around that.

GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!
i have a completely horrible stomache ache and i am shaking all over.
and running to the bathroom to lose my stomache over 15 minutes.

and now i have to somehow get myself into one piece and clean my house a bit and take a bath and get ready for mark to come over here around 2 or 3.

and jason is at work wondering if he is going to get laid off today.
and so i am trying to console him, too.
my poor jason :( how nervewracking for him.
i wish they'd just tell whoever is going to get laid off and not string everyone in that company along like that!

everyone is a nervous wreck over there.

god, i have to keep it together.
i'm running a bath.
and vacuum.
and change the sheets on my bed.
and clean the kicthen a bit.

FUCK.

and i got my period this morning, too.
which just feels so symbolic to bleed right now.

and ok, god, i know i am going to go back there and rip her posts apart, here, iin these posts.
liek this sentence she wrote:

"here I am again now, making a post in a once deleted journal trying to reach you again because I again have been completely cut off from you as your venum has been flying at me."

if i have completely cut her off HOW is my "venum" flying at her? explain to me THAT one!
and the very fact that she is admitting that she has reopened her lj for the SOLE purpose of trying to send me even MORE messages (which i DID read on my own free will, and i blame myself for doing that. i take full responsibility for going there) is further proof that she will stop at NOTHING to make sure she will try to keep in contact with me somehow even tho i BEG her to leave me alone.

and even i i don't go there and read her lj , i know that EVENTUALLY someone will email and tell me what she is saying ANYWAY. as they have done in the past. so there is just no fucking escape.
but i will keep tying. next action to take:
change phone number.

and she says:

"I don't give a flying flute about LJ when it gets right down to it."

THEN FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!

then she writes:

"I started it, with your initiative, to try to keep in touch with you, because I am your mom and I love you, and you said you wanted a relationship with me. I made you uncomfortable, just me, a mom being there, having a LJ, made you uncomfortable. And it got to the point where it pissed you off, so then I used it for myself, to block out the absolute anguish I felt because of the screaming letters you were writing to me and about me in yout journal"

ya, it was "just her being a mom having a LJ" that flew me into a rage, NOT the fact that you harrassed me, stalked me, and insulted me! and then you use the LJ to block out the fact that i wanted you to LEAVE LJ so you would stop using it as a weapon against me and making me feel unsafe with it?? so you STAY in lj and harrass me MORE with it to block out that i am yelling at you for HARRASSING me on lj, etc etc???
does that make any sense?????????
and that is a LIE that i wrote screaming letters to you in LJ. i did NO such thing!!!!
i write screaming letters to you in HERE.
and maybe you are in here, mom, reading them??
is that what the deal is??
or are you sending MORE spies to spy on me and befriend me as you have done in the past???

god, you are so FUCKED UP!!!!