october 6th, 2004
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9:57pm

amazing beauty:

http://cgee.hamline.edu/see/goldsworthy/see_an_andy.html

6:31pm

campaigning people for kerry got into our building somehow.
knocked on my door , which i found irritating.
but, in the end, i was glad they did because they filled out the form for me to be registered to vote and now i'm registered and have that out of the way.

i haven't done much today. i have just cocooned in bed and watched tv.
i don't know why on some days i can feel really strong, and the next day just feel absolutely like a frightened fragile traumatized kitten.

if mark comes over here tomorrow, it's going to be a mess.
i'm going to try to at least vacuum a tiny bit now.
any thing i can do, even something small, helps me at least get that much further ahead of things.

 

4:09pm

1 mouseover:

 

3:22pm

i don't care if it's a nice day out. i don't want to go out there. it's too big.
i want to make a tent on my bed and live in it. i need to be in a cocoon and be fed pink soup.
i snuggled with the pooka. i love the smell of his sweet puppy fur.
and jason came over to give me a bit of hugs, which helped.
i wish everything in my room was pink and furry.
soon oprah will be on.
i need familiarity around me.
there are ceratin shows which give me that, that familiarity, that continual thread of the familiar and comforting that i lack in all other areas of my life.
star trek, 60 minutes, nova, and oprah, and david letterman, mtv's kurt loder.
things that have been there all my life. when you are in a different city, you can turn them on and feel a bit of something familiar when i feel like i am floating away.
i know it sounds weird that certain tv shows are more "home" to me than a home.
and then music, records that have been there all my life or that comfort me,
pink floyd, especially, always there to make me feel grounded and familiar.
U2, duran duran, brian eno, michael stipe's voice, ultravox
and then certain smells i need to have that are familiar, downy, ivory soap, play do, patchouli, rose, sandalwood, typewriting paper, hair dye, new book smell, nag champa incense
familiar sights i always have whereever i go, the moon, the big dipper, the sun, the clouds, and fire...candles.
i have these things.
and my dogs are now like my mother.
they are the ones who unconditionally love me and support me and comfort me.
i don't know how i will deal with it when they die.
i will want to go with when they do.

whenever i go on a trip, i have to take these things with me, or i know they will be there where i go.
i bring incence, candles, books, crochet, music.
i make my own bubble. these are the things which are my home.
things like trees and grass, or a glass of water.
things i know and that never change when everything else around me does. i wish i had something INSIDE me that felt like home.
some people are able to make "safe spaces" in their own minds.
and they "go there" when they need to be safe.
i need to make a place like this in my mind so that i can go there.
i need a place to call my own.

i should create a place. and i should paint it and hang it on my wall.
and maybe if i stare at it enough, i can actually go there in my dreams. and maybe then i can make this place more and more real until it finally manifests for me on the physical plane, or exists on the other side and waits for me to move there when i die.

2:29pm

i have NO motivation to do ANYthing.
i seriously could go right back to sleep.
i am SO TIRED.
what is up with that?
i'm right on the edge of getting my period, my face is breaking out.
i'm drinking a mountain dew hoping it would wake me up, but i'm actually more tired tnow than before i drank it.
i should fuck cleaning and get out into the beautiful day.
but i don't even have the energy for that.
i want to lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling, or watch weird beautiful movies.
i just want to take in beautiful imagery or touch beautiful things.
i wish i could transport myself into a world that was knitted from angora and kid mohair webs.
lay in a hammock of fuzziness and have dreamy pink lights and wafting harmonizing agonizingly beautiful music spinning throughout.
i want to be in a beautiful safe comforting world.
i want to be petted and hugged and kissed.
i want someone to make me soup and wait on me hand and foot.
and then i want to fall asleep and dream of wonderful things that are not disconcerting or uncomfortable.

i want to have flying dreams like everyone else gets to have.

i'm sick of waking up with extreme anxiety, with a horrible stomache ache, and not being able to take full breaths.
i crawl to the computer first thig and try to read about things to push the nightmares out of my mind.
fill my head with louder voices that are not my own to drown it out.

i just want to feel safe.
i want to know what that feels like.
to wake up into a safe world.
and to know i can do ANYTHING.

being in constant survival mode is making me so exhausted.

fire inspectors makes me feel so invaded.
no where i live is every really mine or my home.
it always can be invaded by stangers and judged and inspected and criticized.
i have to keep things a certain way and make sure to conform to rules and standards. i hate strangers in my home inpsecting my home and judging me and critiquing my existence.
it feels like someone opening me up and inpecting my heart to see if it is the right colour and size for the specifications.
and if it isn't, i don't get to live or i get kicked out of my own body.

nothing i own is really mine.
no where i live is really home.
there is no where i belong.
i am not safe anywhere.
even my own body can be used as a weapon against me.
my own mother betrays me and becomes the ultimate stranger and enemy.
i don't even have conrol over my dreams or thoughts.
where am *I*?

i need sanctuary.

1:38pm

today i MUST clean.
i guess the fire inspectors are coming on friday, not thursday.
but thursday i will be busy all day with mark, maybe.
so TODAY i must clean.
and i am NOT in the mood to do it AT all.
and it is an amazingly beautiful day outside.

i'm dying over these clothes today:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/anavoog/39876.html

i dreamt the other day that i bought $660 dollars with of very expensive arty delicious decadent pastries and chocolate, even tho i didn't have $660 in the bank.
but this is a slight improvement from my other dreams about me being in bakeries (for which i dream of A LOT)
in which i just wish i could taste all the yummy things in there and have them.
this time i was actually eating them and buying them.

 

3:00am

i haven't feathered back my hair since 1978.
it was weird that i even remembered how.
and even weirder that i am better at it now than i was then, but i think it's because hair spray is better now.
back then there was only aquanet.

i'm so "gwen" with this hair, it is cracking me up :)
i'm sorry...i am infinitely amused by pink hair!
*happiness*

now i am sort of watching the repeat of the vice prez "debate" on PBS.

what edwards said about gay marriage really made me lose all respect for him, of what very little respect i had for him. and my view of kerry has also plummeted because kerry agrees that a marriage should be between a man and a women.
and person who can be for inequality and prejudice as that, isn't qualified to kiss my boots.
and i can see that cheney is for gay marriage but he doen't have the balls to just come out and say it.
so i have no respect for him either.

i've been too tired to really pay much attention to this debate. i have just been sort of taking it in here and there.
but i have to say, from just the "vibe" i'm getting from it, is that cheney has definitely come across better, which i am surprised to see myself saying. not that i agree with cheney and i think he is devil spawn...but he has just come across as far more wise/powerful/presidential/regal, than edwards. edwards just seemed like really fakey and not genuine, to me., more than cheney did.

but if i was more awake and able to pay more attention, perhaps i would feel differently.