october 4th, 2004
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11:56pm

i'm back from jason's
we watched "hellboy" not TOO bad a movie.
but i think i'd rate it higher than a pg 13.

wow, there is a lot of disturbing violence in movies now for children.
i remember being absolutely TERRIFIED of the wizard of oz. (but i was younger than 13)
that was when i got my 1st panic attack and 1st "this is just a movie" speech.
it was when dorothy was locked in that room and the time was running out on that sand clock and i burst into sobs.

i didn't get much done today. i'm not "paralyzed" anymore.
i'm a little stressed. but i'm not too depressed. things are on the upswing.
but i just don't have my "focus" back.
i flit from one thing to the next with no attention span whatsoever.
i can only do one thing for about 10 minutes or less before my mind wanders to something else.
not like i am BORED of what ever i was doing, which is a totally sad and depressing state to be in (so i have made a huge improvement, actually), but it's just that i have no concentration and soon some other shiny object/article/sunbeam/dog/particle of dust/idea has made it's way into my mind/vision. and boom, before you know it, i'm just leaving fractions of beginnings of things/ideas/projects/ everywhere.

i'm glad i am not in a CONSTANT state of fear and rage i WAS in, because of my mother.
(and one cannot forget the state of the world...but one's relationship with one's mother (or close relationship) can really heighten/diminish any aggravation or love you feel for humanity) .
in fact, i don't feel much rage at all. i'm kind of "raged out", thank goodness.

and i'm certainly not bored or discontent, which means i am not depressed (because being depressed means you lose interest in things you were interested in...like life. ha :)
i just have no focus or attention span.
i feel badly for people with attention deficit disorder.
i would never want that affliction.
although everyone i've ever met who has it has been a delightful human being (who i had to keep occupied with new shiny objects and ideas every 5 minutes..but i can DO that, no problem, i am a plethora of shiny objects and ideas, i am the A.D.D. person's dream date :)
but i do revel in the lusciousness of intense focus.
focus so intense you lose all sense of time and sense of self.
it is probably one of my favourite places of being.

but that can be a drug, too.
and can be misused.
so you have to have balance and come out of that once in awhile,
and "give back" to "the universe" of what you have learned while being in that intense focus.
but then one can be so intensely focused on THAT, it can be detrimental. so...perhaps i am not wording this correctly.

no, i'm not. but perhaps someone can grasp what i am attempting to communicate through osmosis :)

anyway, focus can be used to avoid (oneself and/or others)
and nonfocus, for those exact same reasons.

BUT, i am not in that state now. i am in the state where i NEED to focus more. that is all i am trying to say, in way too many words.
(if i were FOCUSED i would be able to say it in FEWER words!)
but at least i am not depressed or in rage.
i am , basically, quite ok, a bit stressed, but happy.
i'm making progress. i feel myself coming back not being.
but still being stuck in a kind of "flitty" ste of being.
i can't put it into better terms, for i am not focused.

by god. VERBOSE! i shut up now.
it embarrasing how hard i try to communicate the "i am" of me so much.
yet i still do it anyway in all it's awkwardness.

paradoxically, i am both proud and embarrassed of this trait i have.

at least i write it here where you CHOOSE to read it or not. i'm not foisting it upon some poor soul in a filled subway.

 

 

 

5:18pm

this is the second "anapic" this week i have received that is very violent and angry towards me (towards themselves, since this is only a mirror of THEIR soul, not mine).
this person even went through all the trouble to create a hotmail account with a username suggesting how vain i am. this person calls this picture "ego".

if i am so vain and horrible, why do they read my lj, join my mailing list, go through all the trouble to create art which expresses their rage towards what i represent to them,and even create a hotmail account just for that specific purpose to hide their true identity?

i'm pretty sure this was done by "freepop" who had i had a little argument with in photocontest the other day because he hated the current themes and had a hissy fit and then went and deleted his lj after our discussion.

*sigh*

he IS a talented digital artist.
he's done many fine anapics from days gone by.
so i guess my "vanity" was just peachy with him up until now.
and he has used many of my photos in his art.
as long as my "vanity" served his purpose, he revelled in it and celebrated it.
but, obviously, he has a bit of a problem now.
it seems it's always the people who "love me" the most who end up turning against me, viciously, if i do not live up to the image on the pedestal they put me on.

maybe this wasn't done by freepop, but i'll bet 10 bucks it was.
i just wrote back "hi freepop". because i just know it's him.

 

4:42pm

made it to the little store.
my callahan chronicles book came. thought i'd give it a try since the whole drama with my mom brought me to it.
it was only 3 bucks, too!
i hope i find it as funny as hitchhiker's guide 'cause i'd love to have more books like that to read, and i need some more humour in my life in a big way!

i didn't make it too far into idoru. my attention span is very low these days.

people like my pink hair :)
people don't stare/gawk/made rude comments as much about pink hair as they used to in the 80's and even the 90's, which is nice.
it's weird to think there was a time that violence would almost break out because of my hair.

jason should be home from work soon, i hope!

 

3:41pm

ok, NOW i'm getting off the computer. no really...
i have to get to the little store for garbage bags and cokes.

yummy french bjork site:

http://www.sofftchevaliers.net/

3:05pm

i can waste time like no one else. i am a pro!
also, how can i make so much trash? i hate that i make so much trash.
there is too much packaging in this world that you throw away.
if i lived in the country i'd have bonfire with it every night.
i alo spend so much time documenting my life and updating about my life that i don't get enough actually living in there.

and then it cracks me up that people come here to document me documenting my life.

and then it REALLY cracks me up that i document them documenting me documenting my life.

someone should make a documentary about that. and then document it.

i'm walking AWAY from the computer NOW.
and i will not even LOOK at it until 7pm today.

ok, right after i read on yahoo's "oddly enough" why a man mistook his own penis for a noisy chicken, cut it off, and his dog ate it.

ya. i'm not buying that story. i'm so sure. like totally.
gag me with a spoon. fer sure.

 

2:32pm

ok, called jay h. who is doing this camgirl documentary and it was ok for me to ammend the contract so i can approve what images and words they use from my site in their film. i'll most likely ok everything. but i don't want certain hurtful things i've said about my mother in the film. i don't need "my mother is a motherfucking cunt" flashed across the screen or something..not like that is ever likely to happen, but, it's nice to know that will not happen for SURE now. it was cool to talk to hm briefly on he phone, too, because now it makes it more concrete to me that he exists and they are actually coming here to film in a few weeks.

called mackenzie about hair to see if she will do it in exchange for a mannequin. also, told her that her hair would be in a documentary film, too, if i had it done before the 20th. i sure hope she is up for that! btu i totally nderstands if she wants cashola for the hair as it is a very labour intensive process. but i have no $$$ at the moment, alas.

it's sunny out but only 45 degrees!

2:19pm

called carolyn to let her know i can't come from supper tonight and then we talked for quite awhile on the phone.
we can always talk each others ears off because we rarely ever talk on the phone due to my never plugging the phone in. i need to see her more. i love her so!
she told me it was 20 years ago this week that The Blue Up? was formed!
wild how time flies...

"it was twenty years ago today..."
--the beatles , sgt. pepper.

12:16pm

plans for this week:

monday: clean some, walk some, take some photos, crochet some, spin some, and then dinner and snuggling with jason
tuesday: clean some, walk some, take photos, crochet, spin, at night: mark from negativland's presentation at oak street cinema
wednesday: clean like a mutha-f for the fire inpectors, coffee with mark in the afternoon or night?
thursday, wait around for fire inspectors, maybe mark will come over and i can take photos of him or show him the pretty leaves down by the mississippi?
and then it's movie night at jason's.
friday: rest in the day and then at night, dinner party for mark at carolyn's!
saturday: mark leaves and i will take a long nap from being so social! ha :)

 

other things i must do, pay rent, pay electric bill, HOOK UP THE SECOND CAM!
get things ready to sell, call the documentary people and argue one point about their contract i don't like. get to the bank and close one of my accounts i don't use there. go to the place i dropped off my watch a billion years ago to get fixed and see what is UP with that??
find my state ID...where on earth IS it?
call mackenzie about hair.

now i must eat something, crank the music, and get my day going.