september 29th, 2004
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instead of 5, there are 14 pictures.
i forgot the 1st one was on my camera from the other day when that huge cloud rolled in and the temperature dropped 20 degrees in 10 minutes. i would have had more pix, but my camera ran out of batteries!

warning:

major rants of anger below, flailing from on subject to the next because my brain moves too fast, to get it out of my system do not attempt to read if you want to stay in a good mood:

11:49pm:

*sigh*
i'll spell check this later.
i need to say this stuff.
i need to know i said SOMETHING.

tomorrow i will go on another walk and take more pictures.
i can't change the world no matter how loud i scream or how logical i am.

i know.
but i have to speak. here. this is my space.
it's all the space i seem to own.

i remember i got even more riled about this when i was younger.
asnd it was the election between reagan and clinton.
(was it? i cannot even remember!)

but i just remember the cold war went on FOREVER (and still goes on)
and i cried when i listened to clinton speak, as the debate between bush and kerry will go on tomorrow...
i felt we FINALLY had a chance, there was hope...

and then...you saw what clinton did and how he betrayed us, especially the glbt community.

and i lost all faith and realized it was a fucking sham.

fuck.

more later...i'm fizzling out.

this is an intense year.

i'm not giving up tho, i'm NOT giving up.

but i do need some sleep and some rest.

tomorrow, another day, another chance, a clean slate.

pick myself up, brush myself off, and come at it from a new angle. or don't come at it at all and submerge myself in the earth and all it's beauty.

i don't have a graceful way to end this day.

i'll just end it here today, in a ditch, with my blinkers on,
and take a nap in the back seat.
a have a spare tire in the trunk and a gallon of fuel.
a coffee stained map, some twinkies, and my boys.

i have all i need to go forward...

11:01pm

i have a lot of anger, it's obvious.
but at least i get mine out by confronting it, examining it, writing about it, and NOT killing, hitting, or verbally absusing anyone(although i have not been perfect on this ALWAYS, absolutely true).

there is a LOT of healing that needs to happen in this world. and it needs to be SAID.
before it can even be discussed. people need a safe space in which to SAY their anger in explicit ways.

to be able to confront it and see it themselves.

if no one can have a safe space to say what they need to say, no matter how politically incorrect, or whatever, then how can this person examine their feelings in order to go to the next stage of discussion and input?

i think the problem with saying (writing or verbally) it so explicitly and confronting it, is that it can get a person so riles up that theu either 1) confront their feeling to examine it or 2) act on those feelings and do violence to themselves or to another.

maybe this is the reason people do not discuss. because there is that chance, no stopholds and secondary measures are put into place to soften the blow, that people, in the act of reliving, reclaiming, speaking their truth totally lose it and do harm.

did you read this??

http://www.csmonitor.com/2004/0929/p14s01-usmi.html

it was hard to believe this:

"We never in our military manuals address the fact that they go forward to kill"

hi! are you listening??? spread the word!
the army does not ADDRESS THE FACT THAT THEY GO FORWARD TO KILL.

this would seem a SIMPLE enough thing to demand, ya?
that the people who join the army should be told and warned the the training they are being given is to , POSSIBLE (and most likely) KILL SOMEONE or be killed! as if this were not OBVIOUS enough.

and then we get people going WTF? my son and/or daughter is DEAD?

FOREVER???

forever is forever people! sure, we reincarnate (i believe)

but this is IT for THIS life.

and THIS life IS precious!

make yourselves HEARD!!!!

help!

but then at the same time, i assume that we are worth saving. TOTALLY narcissitic point of view. completely selfish. do you think the dandelions and jellyfish and mosquitos and trees and elephants give a SHIT whether or not the human race survives?

maybe it is better that we do not.

all i know is that...*I* am good. i mean well (but that is not enough, it seems). i see beauty.

but do i add to the landfills? do i squander too much water?
do i not speak up enough? am i wasteful? am i selfish? do i not allow my money to not only be taxed when i EARNED it but to also allow my money to be taxed when i SPEND it? (for highways for cars which are destroying our planet for the sake of convenience, for education which is time consuming bullshit and "health care" for the poor which makes them feel like medicated cattle? *i have ben there!*) do i not order "fruit" from foreign lands to be zooomed to me on a plane which is using gas and oil and in the name of "i need to be a FRUITARIAN, or a VEGETARIAN? and "cruelty free"?), yes, *I* do!
do i not clean my house with 409 and use bounce fabric conditioner, and ride in my friends gas guzzling car to go see some "inspirational art"? yes, *I* do!
has the system not been set up so that even those who wish to do no harm can't HELP but to harm? can't even move or breathe or eat or flush a toilet or retain sanitary conditions and feed their children in their household without oppressing the earth and the creatures which live on it (including humans)? it HAS been set in place so we remain powerless. we have ALLOWED this to happen.collectively.

and that if, by some FREAK ACCIDENT, you actaully get to "own" a piece of land which could grow your family's vegetables and sustain your familes animals... and that you get to own this for more than ten years before you die...if you miss even ONE payment of "property taxes" you could LOSE the very small chunk of land you worked all your lives to finally aquire for not only you but you offspring?

(bad sentence structure , i know).
is this FACT that the land you work all your lives to finally be able to be left alone in PEACE can be taken by the government anytime if you miss one payment of property taxes , fair???
WHAT gives them the RIGHT to kick you off your land and OWN it after you have already PAID for it in full? what goves them the right to tax CLEAN WATER???

did you KNOW that paying taxes and especially these kinds of taxes goes against our constituation?

http://www.861.info/

but no one wants to fight this. we'd rather remain sheep. bleating like lambs.
keeping the staus quo. because os many of us CAN.

the rest of us , literally, die.
but who cares, right?

I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S EXHAUSTING!

and they are COUNTING ON THAT.

do you ge it??

THEY ARE COUNTING ON IT!

it IS exhausting. it IS confusing.

and we will PAY them to excuse ourselves from this confusing hassle.

I UNDERSTAND.

i go back and forth on this. it's exhausting. but they are COUNTING on us being exhausted.this is how the holocaust happened!

but we HAVE to. we HAVE to if we are to save the earth. and by saving the earth we save ourselves.

but if we cannot grasp this challenge or rise to the occasion (and i KNOW we CAN) then we do not DESERVE the priviledge of being on this gift of a pkanet.

then we DO deserve to die as a species.

and we WILL.

10:11pm

today was another hard day.
but i survived it and i still see beauty in this world.
that, to me, is a major accomplishment.
i congratulate myself for picking myself up, brushing myself off, remaining functional, and seeing beauty, recording it, and communicating it in an effective and cohesive way, and still retaining hope and even excitability for what tomorrow could bring.
i am extraordinary among many extraordinary beings who also do this every day as if it were common place.
the human soul is resilient.
most of us do rise to the occasion of extreme stress and difficulty.
maybe that makes it common place and not extraordinary, but i'm going to call it that anyway.
look at new york city after 9/11 and the amazing behaviour exhibited.
and then i read today, about florida and the hurricanes and how domestic violence and violence against children and pillaging is happening.
if it is force of nature which fucks us over are we more apt to be assholes to each other? but if it is "an enemy" we can destroy through heat seeking missiles? do we rise to the occasion?

or is this just a media spin story?

maybe no one chose to write about the domestic violence and such that happened after 9/11 because we all wanted to portray ourselves to the world as martyrs and heroes?

i wonder.

i am a mess and i am coherent, all at once.
i am proud of myself.
and i am way too hard on myself.
yet i need to kick myself in the ass to get going and stay focused.
and i do.

it is excruciating. when you are your own boss you can only blame yourself.

i watch "the apprentice" and i am appalled by their ignorance.
all i can say is that they obviously CHOSE thee people that are ignorant for the sake of ratings so the general populace could say "i could do THAT. i could be on "who wants to be a millionaire?", etc.

had i NOT been in "the business", i would seriously think that is what happened, that they intentionally picked the stupid and clueless to be on this show for ratings. but i can tell you with all truthfulness that these ARE the types of people running businesses. this really IS the "cream of the crop". i have winessed this firsthand for YEARS.

IDIOTS and PSYCHOS run the businesses. people with NO empathy or "people skills", no clue whatsoever. and not even no clue, but NO CARING.

we ALL can see this. we can can see this clearly.

i think it's that the good people leave business, like me, in disgust, which still leaves these idiot psycho people to "rule".

how we get around this...how we get the good people back? to fight. to stay. to WIN?
THAT is the question.

like michael moore said in his latest commentary about how the republicans don't EVER give up, even when they are faced with OBVIOUS defeat, they remain in total denial until the very end and even then, STILL remain in denial.

the democrats give up too fast and look like "crybabies".

i am not saying i am a republican or a democrat. at this point, i am repulsed by both parties.

and i am repulsed by the idea of only "two parties" THAT is why there is such a huge majority of people not voting.

we don't care about the 2 choices!
and no matter who we vote for, we still end up being screwed!

i was pissed at cameron diaz today on oprah who said that the reason women and black people had the right to vote today was because we VOTED.

i know she means well, and "god bless her".

but the reason that women and blacks can vote today is because we RIOTED.
because we layed down our LIVES.
because we did civil disobedience!

it didn't come about because of "voting"!

the voting system, from my educated guess, is FUCKED. RIGGED!
LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE!

i can't stress that enough.

i WILL vote. because i doesn't do me any disservice to do it (except for them having more info on me and knowing where i am and keeping me in check). but do i believe it will actually make a difference? NO! it WON'T!

we have two skull and bones mmebers for president. a death cult! a cult which make sacrifices (real or not) to a freaking stone owl, moloch, from the babylonian age. i'm not even saying i have anything against ancient babylonian religions. but if you ARE. let it be know and don't try to pass yoursself off as "chistian" (as if christian id any better , in this day and age).

this is NOT some "extremist view" these are the FACTS. the FACTS people!
this is not an "opinion" this is a hard known fact as realistic as the sun rising and setting. EVERY YEAR these people meet in "bohemian grove" and have these rituals! this is a FACT! look it up! see the photos, the movies, the evidence, the documenraies, the eye witness accounts!

WAKE UP!

it's not VOTE OR DIE. it's "WAKE UP OR DIE"

i'll blame it on pms, the full harvest moon, or my hysterics of a female.
a female who is "cute" and "small" and 'a pornagrapher" with "radical new age beliefs".
ha.

9:17pm

you know what REALLY pisses me off?
is that i don't remember the police taking ANY forensic evidence when that guy busted through my door and attempted to rape me and sexually assaulted me.
not fingerprints. not shoeprints, not ANYthing.
and that guy wasn't wearing gloves. his fingerprints and handprints and bootprints HAD to be on that door.
EVERYWHERE.
goddamn incompetent police.
like they fucking cared.
and it took them TWO MONTHS before they even brought me photos to look at of potential suspects.
it amazes me how i can still get so goddamn angry about this 20 years later.
but as i get older and look back and know what i know now, i am fucking PISSED.that goddamn rapist should be in jail for life.
who knows how many women he raped and assaulted after me or before me.
god, i am angry.

and another thing that sucked hardcore is that my mom put that fucking busted door to the back of the house, by the garbage can where i could see it through the kitchen window whenever i went in there. and it stayed there for months and months and goddamn months before anyone got rid of it. it wasn't until i BEGGED my mom to remove that fucking thing that it got removed. (when i lived with my mom).

i used to crawl on the floor after she'd leave the house because she STILL hadn't put draperies on the kitchen, so any psycho could see in if i was home. if i was hungry at night and she was gone, i'd crawl on the floor through the living room and the dining room to the kitchen and then i'd hope t god that psycho wasn't still stalking me so he could see the fridge light briefly go on as i quickly grabbed some food. and then i'd eat it in the corner on the floor planning my escape route or my survivor routine, like where i'd hide if that psycho figured out i was still alive.

i did this for years afterwards.
until i finally got a gun and empowered myself.
so people who judge me for having a gun or living in too expensive of an apartment, FUCK YOU. you fucking live through that and then get back to me. i STILL live through it, every fucking day of my life.

i am so angry. i am so wounded.
you just don't get over shit like that.
you just don't.
it scars you for life.

but you know what? i SURVIVED it.
and now i live in a place that is high off the ground. i can see the river and the moon.
i can see for miles and miles.
i can see you COMING.
and i EARNED it. i survive EACH MONTH as an ARTIST.
living life as *I* want to because that is ALL I HAVE.....because i am not ALLOWED by society to roam the earth without feeling i am a deer during hunting season.
if i go out a night i am ASKING FOR IT.
if i travel the world alone i am ASKING FOR IT.
asking for you to rape me and kill me. please sir please.

so i EARN my fucking apartment in the sky where i can view ancient indian burial mounds that you also raped.
and i watch your planes take off and land.
and your "pleasure" boats pollute one of the greatest rivers on this continent.
and i watch the storms come and and leave.
and i watch the cycles of the moon.
and i wait for the months the sun does shine in my cubicle and for a brief few hours i relish in it on my bed.
and i thank the universe for it.

and if you try to take that little piece of what i have worked so damn hard for,
i WILL blow your head off or i will leave this planet by MY choice, not yours.

 

6:57pm

i finally got out.
i took some pictures.
working on getting those up now.

4:01pm

ok, NOW i'm ready to go for a walk.
i am such a procrastinator!
i'm taking my camera with me.
i hope to return with at LEAST 5 photos for you!

2:34pm

ok, i'm actually almost ready to get out of my apartment and go for a walk, as you can tell, i dearly need to for my sanity.

i am crabby as all get out.

people are driving me nuts.

i think i may be reaching my PMS time. i feel like a bloatation device.

 

2:21pm

i hate hypocrisy.
like people who expound to be all nonconformist and for individuality and then dog on people who spell their names with an alternative spelling.

such as this entry by stacy:

"my mom sent me something the other day i know you'll enjoy. we always talk about crazy-ass names people give their kids so she sometimes sends me the birth announcements out of the fayetteville (AR) paper. remember that northwest arkansas is a bizarre mixture of hippie and redneck, both the home of the university of arkansas and of wal-mart and tyson. here ya go -- recent first and middle names given to actual children:

carley renaye
benjamin franklin
calvin jeramiya
deonbrey cortez kavor
hillubery sophia ruth
serenity jade
xoicha violet
atiye michele
brooke zalene
monserrath nohemi

there are also, in this paper, one cassady, one kolby, one kylee, one kaylee, and one chelsea. oh, and two ashtons.

and st_theodora replies:

jeramiya

we already have a perfectly good spelling of jeremiah. that's just plain lazy.

this is all just very upsetting.

stacy replied:

that's exactly what i said. and RENAYE? that's just way too many vowels.

i replied:

i think it's cool that parents come up with unique names for their children. my mother named me rachael, which is a different spelling than rachel from the bible. i don't think that makes her lazy.
there are also multiple spellings of stacy's name. staci. stacee.
there are multiple spellings of almost every name out there now.

why conform to what the collective "we" want?
if we all conformed, this world would be a damn boring place.

if stacy had conformed, she's still be in arkansas with no tattoos.
she's be working at walmart.

deviating from the norm is good and healthy.
i think some of these names are beautiful, actually.

and even stacy is a variant from stacey with is actually short for (historicaly speaking) anastasia or eustace.

and your name, theordora is feminine variant of the masculine theodore.

and one of stacy's favourite people, sonia:
sonia is a variant of sonya, which is a russian pet name of sophia

practically no ones name is "pure" anymore.
as well it should be. names and language are alive and constantly changing as people change.

stagnation is death.

*off my soapbox now*

 

12:43pm

you know fall is here when it's perfectly sunny out and only 60 degrees.

in order to get myself back into some sort of creativity. i'm going to force myself to take, at least, 5 interesting photos a day. i have done this in the past when i needed to jump start myself back into feeling creative. so i will try this technique again, starting today.

it's good reality tv night!
america's next top mdel, then the apprentice, and then it's wife swap (but i will probably watch CSI..since i'm getting kind of sick of the wife swapping shows).

so better go be productive now and take some photos before i turn into a passified reality tv zombie at 7.

it helped to yell in here about my mom's stupid-ass manipulative letter to me in her lj. i am able to see through her manipulations and get over them quicker, each time it happens to me.

i find it highly ironic that the name of her journal, right now is:

"Howl at the moon and chew bark off trees. It'll make you feel better
And then acquire the art of detachment"

 

12:18pm

about hair and identity:

virgogirl writes:
...the only thing is that when your hair is that long, i think it sort of becomes like, your whole "schtick"...like...it's what you're all about.It's like this mystique thing...you're (anyone, not specifically you) "that girl with the hair".

I mean, it's super cool, and I had hair down to my behind about two years ago. I had just stopped wanting to cut it. It was nice, but i got tired of it and started cutting it and it "shrunk" ;-)

I doubt i will ever have hair that long again, it didn't look that great on me in retrospect and it was high-maintenence. But you never know!

i write:

but i'm already used to that. i've always been "the girl that..."

insert:
draws well
has weird hair
has a cam
is in that band
is weird
is short
has no boobs
has huge fake boobs
does this...that..was on that show..hangs out there...
makes the weird hats

i'm always that no matter what i do. so...i don't let anything define me....but if other people want to define me as this or that.. i can't control it. so i just do what i want to do :) i let go of what other people want to define me as. i've always had to just to survive. and as soon as people get comfortable defining me...i'm off again into something else...or maybe not. i just don't let what people think of me outwwardly affect what it is i want to do in life. if i did, i'd never do anything! :)

virgogirl writes:

yeah...i think moreso it's like...i think it defines the person to themselves? Does that make any sense? LIke, you can totally tell that these people are like ALL ABOUT the hair, like that's their whole thing. And i think to commit to something, anything, so wholly, to make a committment that requires so much self-denial (like " i really have an urge to try somthing new *but i committed to growing it out to my butt*) is limiting...but that can be its own thing...like just to see what it's like to commit to something, to reach a goal for its own sake. I think that's the only kind of commitment that makes sense for me. To me, few goals are so meaningful that it makes sense to do it other than a practice of discipline. To say that you will do it and then say that you did it, and to gain perspective maybe from the experience.

There was this girl artist about ten or fifteen years ago i remember who wore the same outfit for a year...i think that was the experiement/performance...it was like she had more than one i think. That fascinated me. Then there was this art duo, a man and a woman, and i can't remember how, maybe by the waist? but they stayed physically connected for a year.

i write:

yes, i totally understand what you are saying. people who identify too much with a physical characteristic of themselves (or even a more "brain" thing...like i am the person who has this or that doctorate degree, or a physical skill like i am the person who is the fastest man in the world, or a person who is just known for being rich...or poor!, being selfless, owning this or that property, or even "i am the person who always makes people laugh or gives everything of onesself until there is nothing left). and people get stuck in these things, for whatever reason, define themselves as that..and imprison themselves into doing new things because they received so much positive (or even negative) attention for whatever trait they had/have (like i am THEE bitch, i am an asshole,...sometimes people are addicted to the negative attention, because that is , what they feel, makes them "special")

but for me, i see the hair thing as a disipline thing and just as a challenge, simply because it's something i have no experienced yet. i just want to experience something new. it's the only thing (hair wise) i have not expreinced yet.
and i do want to see if i can challenge myself to do it.

at least i said i would not touch my hair until i'm 40 (which is only a year and 1/2 away. weirdness!)

i think when i turn 40 i may very well chop it off and bleach the living crap out of it and dye it blue :)
i've just never done this "natural" thing. and want to experience it. like climbing mount everest, i guess.
i pain in the ass but at least you can say you did it and experienced it.

once you get on top of everest, you may very feel like "this is it?" i'd rather live in the valley.

but you just don't know until you've tried :)

but i do feel badly for the women (and men) with really long hair whose friends and relatives push these women (and men) into "trying something new and chopping it all off. and then these men and women break down on tv and feel completely and deeply wounded.
i think it's so selfish or friends and relatives to ever dictate how another person's hair should be.
just because you've had the same hair for 30 years, and maybe it doesn't even look the best on you, it doesn't give others the right to "bully" somehow into getting a "makeover".
i think these woman and men with long hair who DON'T want to get rid of it should not be peer pressured into cutting it off.

but then, at the same, time, i've seen people with super long hair who were ready for it to leave and were finally freed by cutting it off. and this included, men's beards.

people are so weird about hair. it's so deeply personal for some.
and then...the whole issue where men sometimes even break up with girlfriends or divorce their wives because the women decided to cut their hair with out the man's "permission"

hair is deeply political. even more so than the issue of food sometimes, or at least equal to it.

i am fascinated how hair has such politics and power and "statements" about it. people even get beat up and sometimes DIE over hair. the beatles with their "long hair", the punk movement. and how so many people cannot have the hair they want or they would be fired from their job or even physically threatened. or some islamic sects where i man must grow a bead, or a woman must cover her hair.

it's weird and fascinating how wrapped up about hair people get.

hair does, in a way , define you you are or who will be seen as and associated with, what group you "belong" to. punk, hasidic jew, hippy, military, skinhead, buddist monk, respectable person in the working world, dyke, rock star, mom, politician, rastafarian....

people think hair is such a shallow thing to discuss.
but it really contains within it, everything a society is, or a person it, at that time.

just as food is, i've discovered, says everything about who you are. or at least everything about what society THINKS you are.

i am reminded of a debate i had in someone else's journal the other day about "fake hair" and how a person said "your plastic fucking hair isnt fooling anyone" and was pissed that a person they knew, personally, who had fake hair. this "unshallow" person thought the person with fake hair was fake and or/vain and it pissed them off that s/he "depended on it" and s/he needed it to feel she was pretty.

for those types of people (who think they are NOT obsessed with hair and that it is wrapped u into their identity) i'd love to fill their head with fake hair in a way that would NEVER be "them" or feel like them and so they would feel awkward wearing it. and then ask them, "is it shallow that your feeling pretty or like "you" depends on the fact that you DON'T have the fake hair on your head? (is my sentence structure makng sense? i'm getting tired..)

like when people ask me "why do i have my hair like that?" and i say, would you feel comfortable with my hair on your head? and they always say "no!", like "what are you CRAZY?" and i say "well, that is how *I* would feel if i had YOUR hair".

it's not fun to go around not feeling like "you".
for people who think it's shallow to care about their hair, i'd like them all to wear clown wigs for a year (or some such hair that they would feel ridiculous in)and then tell me that that they feel perfectly fine like that. because if they truly don't care about their hair, and hair has NO effect on them at all, then they should be able to where a neon orange clown wig for a year and feel perfectly fine and not have their self esteem or self identity be affected by it in any way whatsoever.

everyone (pretty much) is wrapped up into the hair. even if they (without even realizing it) are wrapped up in looking normal, fitting in, or having a haircut which says "i don't care much about my hair". it still says so much about you. you can't escape it. and even the uncaring "unvain" stance, is vain and totally full a "statement" about themselves and where they feel they belong or wish they belonged.

like how the grunge people hated fashion so much that their antifasion became a fashion.

i know...i'm going off on a tangent into subsections of this topic.

i didn't know i had so much to say about this!

 

 

12:14pm

ohmigod, today my mom wrote a letter to me in her lj.
it's so full of shit! it's so hard for me not to respond to her.
arrrrrgh. and that sliver (stillslyver...a snake in the grass) woman in there and her comment to it..arrrgh....

and my mom wrote:
"I would never say your breasts are grotesque, I know who said that too and it
wasn't me, the statement itself was grosteque and cruel"

and i just want to badly to say to her "you told me that my breasts were grotesque and deformed TO MY FACE!!!"

and she is saying now it was some other person who said this? she is so INSANE!
she doesn't remember or refuses to remember!
argh! she said to TO MY FACE!!!

MY GOD. she makes me feel insane. she and her crazymaking.
it's hard to take. i shouldn't have gone in her lj to see that.

she makes herself look so good and innocent and loving. and it's all just such BULLSHIT!
ohmigod, she is so good and making herself look good and denying everything she has done and continues to do!

*rips my hair out of my head in frustration*

i can't freaking take this utter bullcrap she is spewing about being so loving and giving and accepting of me.
it's just ARGH!!! i have no words for this. i am so angry.
she makes me SO angry.
no one can push my buttons better than she can.

and when she says " i would never go in your lj". well, DUH! because she is BANNED. she CAN'T go in there.

arrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

++++

and THIS sentence:

"Because I express some dismay about certain things you have done which I see ultimately hurting you, and they did, then I am one of the enemy."

what in the heck is THAT about? what did she express dismay to me about that ultimately ended up hurting me? (i like how she thinks verbal abuse is "expressing dismay") what my breasts have ultimately hurt me? my business has ultimately hurt me? my spirituality and my beliefs have ultimately hurt me? my body, my hair? what? what did she "express dismay" about that ultimately hurt me???

nothing!

and she thinks this fictitious reason is why she is the enemy to me???
you mean it has NOTHING to do with the lying and the breaking of promises and the crazymaking doublespeak and the not respecting my boundries and the harrassment and the stalking and the verbal abuse??

it's because of some fictitous thing that NEVER happened (her expressing "dismay" about things that ultimately ended up hurting me"). wha??????

and she DID say "you are dead to me" and not "It feels as if you have died"

and even if she HAD said "it feels to me as if you have died" what kind of thing is that to tell someone just because the had sex on the internet with their boyfriend? i mean. sure, be upset, don't agree, think it's TRASHY, maybe even disgusting, shocking or immoral. but to say it feels like i am have now DIED to her? WTF??? and then WAIL as if i HAD died?? i mean, you just had to be there.

and then she says:
"In the meantime, I am not here to write stories about you, dispite what you seem to think. I am here for myself."

well, isn't THAT the truth that she is there for herself. duh.
but then why is she writing today's entry? is that not a story about me? you know, she DOES write stories about me. so that is just ridiculous to say. but whatever. and i KNOW she is not there to, ultimately, write stories about me. she is there for attention and to write fictitous stories about HER.(like telling everyone she is 47 and rich and famous and instead she is 58 and NOT.)
and to prove to me that (as she screamed in therapy at me) "i don't have to obey you! i don't have to obey you! i don't have to obey you!"

she writes:
"I recognize your pain fully, I am here whenever you are ready."

*snort* if she recognizes my pain why does she keep staying in lj and why did she keep lying to me over and over again when i begged and pleaded to her to stop because it was causing me extreme pain?

she is here for me when i am ready? ready for WHAT? ready to be abused some more? ready for WHAT??? more shit?

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+++

and i hate all her inconsitencies like:

"I have never been in your "friends" journals except for the one time you refer to, that was more than a year ago and I have apologized to you for that, I am not in your LJ, and nor will I be in the future. I have assured you of that for a couple of years now."

so if she assured me to not to stalk me in my friends journals for 2 years, but she admits she stalked me in one only 1 year ago?
wouldn't that mean she is admitting that she promised to not stalk me a my friend's journal but then did?

and she DID do it more than once. liar.

and this sentence:

"but somehow in your mind I have been linked to all your enemies."

what??? what is she even talking about here???

and

"I am not a bible thumping fundamentalist"

oh really? is that why you cried and said you didn't want your daughter to go to hell when i told you that my next boyfriend could be a girlfriend? etc etc etc?

and:

"In fact, if I were to have one wish for you if would be that someday you realize that what I do is separate from you as you are separate from me."

what??? "what i do" meaning not leaving me alone and being an ass to me?
is THAT separate from me? huh?

and:

"the entire family loves you and wants you
to be part of it, you are welcome to come back anytime"

and so i can tell this because they wrote me emails saying i am a pathetic whore who should be ashamed of myself and they talk behind my back to you about how i am "living in a world of deception" and "dabbling with dark forces".

i feel the love.

god, she drives me nuts.

+++

and that sliver woman writes:

"What I DO know? That your mother loves you. Unconditionally. Be wary of those who seek to widen the rift. That is not a kindness to either of you."

oo, she's been a "friend" of my mom's for several months?
and she now knows my mom's inner workings?
haha.
SHE seeks to widen the rift.
i see her in there weaseling her way into my mom's life. trying to get my mom to send her all her private email re: this so she can get back at a couple other lj people. she makes SURE to keep the drama going.
she is a slythering sliver of a snake in the grass. making posts about how she thinks i am delusional and then deleting them to cover her tracks.
befriending other people so she can see their private lj entries to report back to my mom.
you don't fool me sliver woman.
shove it up your ass!

and her website is called "in a mirror, dimly"

how completely appropriate.
and btw, sliver, your poetry SUCKS.