september 28th, 2004
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11:56pm

and outloud argument with myself:

am i the only one who sees that tom waits just tries too damn hard to be "a weird character"? (i'm watching him on david letterman right now).
it like each year that passes he gets more and more "affected"
i see him trying and trying all his life to mold himself into someone who is interesting. and he ALMOST does it. and he tries and wishes so much he ALMOST does it. and i admire his willpower to be what he wants to be even tho he isn't that. he actually is interesting to me. it's his trying to be interesting that makes him interesting, to me.

it's hard to explain and i know i am coming off as a total snob saying this.

i don't hate him or dislike him. i even actually like him, just because i admire his focus and intent and willpower to be this character i see he so badly wants to be.

i guess i can relate because, in reality i am a short brainy brunette with no boobs.
and i tried, and sort of succeeded in being a fruity blonde bombshell with big breasts.

but i think i succeeded in being a fruity blonde bombshell more than he succeeded in being some weird captain beefheart. i had more of the fruity blonde bombshell in my soul than he has the captain beefheart. in fact, i'd even go as far as to say i'm more captain beefheart than he is, but i haven't chosen to show that side of me, so far.
i know i am being a totally narcissistic snob.
i'm just going to say it anyway.

but then he is on david letterman and i am not.
becayse he has more drive and willpower to get there.
i just do not.
i'm driven, but i am not driven in the way madonna or tom waits is driven.
and i'm not a workaholic by any stretch of the imagination.

it fascinates me when people have "it' or don't.
and there have been times where i have had "it" and then there have been times where i have totally lost "it". and that elusive "it" has eluded and fascinated many. what is "it"?

i wish i could really put my finger on what i am trying to convey.
i don't think i can because what i feel about tom waits is based on some invisible "intuition" i have about him which could be absolutely bullshit.
i have no way of knowing unless i actually knew him personally, and even then it's "iffy".

some other people almost have "it" but not quite.
like todd rundgren. or robyn hitchcock.
they ALMOST have it...or else they are ahead or their time, as well.
i think robyn is ahead of his time. i don't think todd rundren has "it" but he also ahead of his time, even more than robyn.
it's complicated.

i think tom waits is successful because he has kept at the same character for so long now. he has NEVER deviated. he has only refined.

he fills a niche. and no one else is filling it.

madonna is...i don't know..tapped in. she seems never really truly herself but at the same time, never more purely "her". she rides that wave like some sort of kung fu master. able to be perfectly transparent and projected upon, yet still able to retain her sanity and herself.

i bow to her capabilities in this area.

bjork...and bjork is just...tapped in and purely herself in the purest way ever. and SOMEHOW, despite her being just plain weird...is huge.
and....she is blessed, what can i say? my study continues...

you may think i'm weird for thinking these things.
but these are things that fascinate me.

it seems shallow to study this.
but , to me, it's all about studying being yourself and channeling the "life force energy" that is truly in tune to your "frequency" in a harmonizing way.

and i do know it's bad to ever think that that "it' factor emanates entirely from YOU, as it emanates from the core of the universe.
it works THROUGH you and is not you.

and i love to study how people deal with this and play with it and are confounded by it, or just naturally work with it and understand it.

but it doesn't just work through you and then you can sit there like a couch potato, as i do sometimes, you need to recognize when it is happening (and call upon it) and hone it and focus on it and learn to be an even better channel for this universal energy. but to harmonize it with yourself so that like a wind flowing through chimes (but not as random) you make a song or a dance...

and to do this you have to take care of yourself, your mind, you body, your soul...

i slack off sometimes.
i want to get better.
it's hard to stay focused.
and disciplined.
but it's not WORK to do this.
the things to keep "it" flowing need to be things you LOVE to do.
that way it sings your song through you.

i need to refine what i am saying.
but...that is all i can say right now because my hands are tired of typing.
i hope someday i can say this clearer.
i think someday i will be able to.
because i want to so much. because i see so many people not letting it flwo through them.

i want someone to be able to teach people to let the universal energy work through them to be all they can be.

it's that thing people talk about when you are "in the zone".

i guess that is what i am trying to say. and maybe i just have not seen tom waits "in the zone" ever. i'm not giving him a fair chance.

i know that it is next to impossible to be "in the zone" being on david letterman, having an interview, and then, what i am expecting him to channel god "on demand"?

ya, i have been really unfair.
what i am asking tom waits to be is unfair and ridiculous.

it's really just amaizng to me how he keeps going.

my hats off to tom waits.

who am i to judge this man by the few minutes per year i see him on tv?

i have no right to judge.

i apologize.

 

 

 

 

 

10:49pm

i WILL grow my hair out. i will i willl i will!
it will be long, gloriously long.
and i will sometimes put it all up in french braids.
*determination*

http://www.tlhs.org/xtra.html

photos to give me determination to keep growing my hair out and keep it brunette!

6:07pm

my camcorder is back from being repaired at best buy.
so pretty soon i hope i can go pick that up and then ana2 will have 2 cams :)

3:56pm

mouseovers:

just a normal day. i love normal days because i rarely get one lately.
doing dishes and laundry. had a long bath.
i need to get to the store for laundry detergent and light bulbs, eggs, and dog food.
watching oprah about these horrendous freak accidents that have happened to people.

1:50pm

i think whatever weight i mysteriously lost the other day is now back since i have been laying around and eating ramen. yep. that'll do it.
i think i am going to buy one of those gazelle excerise things. but there seems to be 3 different kinds.
does anyone have one of those things? there is this new version that looks really small.
i want the gazelle because i want an excerise thing that is relatively affordable and also is SMALL.
and some of these gazelle things i guess can fold up, i like that because i don't have a lot of space.

there is such a nice cool breeze coming through my window. but there are the sounds of jackhammers out there.
i'm finding that, as i get older, i am more sensitive and more intolerable to sounds, smells, and lights that i do not like.

i don't know why that is. but like, when i went with to jason's chess lesson a week ago, we were in a room that the feng shui was absolutely completely wrong, and the lighting was really severe on one side of the room in a way that totally threw me off, and then the house smelled like cooking onions and poodle.
i sat there on the couch , which was faced in the completely wrong direction it should've been,
just feeling the total offness and wrongness of this room. all i could do it try to crochet , but in my mind i was rearranging the furniture, burning incense, and adding lamps to other corners of the room to balance things off.
like a room should have 5 points of light in it, i've read, and i do agree that seems to be the right thing.
i am very very finicky about light.

i don't know what bugs me more, flourescent lights or the sound of jackhammers.

and houses or places with small windows. i can't deal with that at ALL.
which is why it would be so difficult for me to move out of my apartment into a place with smaller windows.
the windows in my bedroom are the saving grace of my sanity.

i LOVE my windows. i LOVE my view.
every day i am so thankfully for my windows and my view.
these windows make up for all the other faults of this place, like the dumb carpet and the too small of a kitchen and too small of a bathroom and too small of a bathtub and it's overpriced rent.

my BIG BIG windows with my delicious view make me sooooo happy!
and just the perfect lighting always. a little bit of direct sunlight for a few hours, and then indirect sunlight, perfectly indirect for the rest of the day.

i don't know how i am ever going to deal with leaving my windows and and their view.

i'm so lucky. feel like a queen with my windows.

what the windows are like in the place i live can make the difference between whether i want to live or die.

i suppose i could give up some windows if i had a huge clawfoot bathtub and a fireplace...
but i dunno, tough call.

or if i had a yarn and no windows or a view that might be ok.

but, i don't know. the ability to see for miles and see such ancient beauty...
it makes me feel so peaceful and expansive.
like when my life is closing in on me and i feel so clautrophobic in everything else,
to be able to look out my windows and see for miles gives me a feeling of peace, and clarity, and power.
like if i can "oversee" everything, then it gives me the power to over see everything else in my life, too.

it's uplifting. it uplifts my soul.

i'm really lucky to have this gift of this view and these windows, or i most definitely would go mad.

another thing i love about my partment is it's the only place i've lived where i've felt safe since the man broke in my house and attempted to rape me and sexually assaulted me a few decades ago.
every other place since then i lived in constant fear of that happening again. but not in this building. there have been some creepy people who have lived here, but basically i feel really safe.
and i can have my windows always open and no one can see in because there is no other apartment building that is level to my windows.

to feel safe, and to have this view and light, it is worth putting up with the minor inconveniences of the rest of the place.

and they allow dogs.

it's really hard to find a place that allows dogs.
jason and i would like to move in together again because it would be cheaper for us.
but we cannot find a suitable place that also allows dogs.

we could rent a house, maybe. and i so much want a yard more than anything. but i don't want a yard that i have to keep a certain way because it is not really mine.

like i think that grass, and how much americans are into grass lawns is just so ridiculously wasteful. using all that water and effort for something you cannot even eat.

if you want it to lay on, then just grow a patch that is as big as a kingsized bed, y'know? no one needs their ENTIRE lawn to be grass.

it's such a waste of water.

and i'm scared to live in a house again, at least one that is in a city, because that is the kind of place i lived in hwere the guy busted through the door.

it creeps me out to have doors and windows on grond level that rapists and burglars can so easily get through. it makes me live in such fear.

if i lived in a house out in the country i would be as scared.
being that their is less people, i would assume that their would also be less creepy people who could harm me. in a city with so many people going buy your house every minute, the law of averages is that there will be more creepy people going by and checking it out.

and if i lived in the county i would get some really big guard dogs.

12:35pm

i feel a lot more on top of things today than i did yesterday.
maybe it's because it's sunny outside, too. 64 degrees.
the leaves are starting to turn colour.
i DON'T want winter to come!!
it was such a short summer.
dreams stuck in my head.
i was winter in my dream.
i was trying to take photos but my camera was screwing up.
photos of the frozen trees and the frozem lake.
it was a huge frozen like like lake millacs.
i saw a huge geodesic building in the center of the lake.
it was made from ice, too.
i walkd there and i went on top of it, and it was unthawing on one place and i put my foot right through the roof, and inside was the lake...even up by the roof.
it creeped me out how deep it was and murky and how you didn't know where it was thawing.
then, even tho the lake was inside the building, you could still go in it and inside was all white and very ultility looking.
i noticed that the knights of templar had made this building.
and on doors and on bulletin board were strange secret symbols and artwork.
i tried to take pictures of all of it so i could show people and we could all study them later.
then there was a huge portion of the buildong where you could buy magick supplies.
rows and wors of candles in every shape and colour.
wax trays, wax objects, like wax frogs and wax hands,
all for using in magick.
i picked up 2 black cone shaped candles to do a banishing ritual to get rid of my mother.
and i bought 2 black wax trays where you could burn things on them, and then the trays would also melt away.
i wondered if maybe i shouldn't use candles that the illuminita had made because maybe it had bad energy in it.
i also saw racks and racls of ceremonial clothing. but it was all made from cheap polyester, like a halloween costume.
but i did find a green sequinned cone hat (like a witch's hat) that was pretty cool.
and i asked zachary vex what he thought of it ( a friend of mine who was in the dream with me).
and he thought it was kind of silly, so i decided not to buy it.
i was starting to run our of room on my compact flash card to take photos of everything. there was SO much to take photos of.

that is all i remember of the dream.

in other dreams , and dreams from the night before, i dream about arguing with my mom in threads on lj , that in reality don't exist.
and i dream of finding more and more of hers journals.
it's exhausting.

but right now, i'm feeling more removed from that, a tiny bit more.
i'm feeling more stable.
i'm feeling more in control of myself.

and i really really realy DO need to get outside and lay on the grass somewhere and soak up some sun and ground myself with the earth.

i'm listening to happy music, the sun is pouring in through my open windows. i'm running a hot bath.

i'm starting to run our of food i like to eat and only have weird things left to eat that jason's mom gave me long ago. like yesterday for breakfast i had a can of beets.

i have boxes of various wheat stuff, like cous cous, but it's not cous cous, i can't remember what it's called. it's like millet, but it's not that either.

and i have noodles and ramen. and a can of artichoke hearts and a can of stewed tomatoes and a can of smoked oysters.
and in the freezer i have cauliflower and 3 packages of these weird tofu-meat like "veggie crunbles...which i'm not sure will taste good or not.

money is tight this month.
i wish i'd sell a hat.
and i still have that canon camera to sell, too.

i think i will attempt to fry up some of those weird veggie crumble things and see what those are all about.

 

 

11:38am

hi :)