september 27th, 2004
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i want this yarn so much it HURTS

http://www.pluckyfluff.com/fog.html

*sigh*

i have to reiterate that you MUST go here:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/movies.shtml

especially this one here:

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=afroninja.mpg

it's that little macho grunt he makes in the beginning like "i'm so all that" that makes the piece especially so damn hilarious to me. i haven't laughed that hard in so long!

+++

i'm sorry i have not been as creative lately and not been on cam as much.
each day, i try to make a new start of it, and i try to not let this "mom fiasco" get the best of me.
but it still does have me in a stranglehold, or i let it have a stranglehold. it's hard to know when it's happening to me.
but i really DO feel on the edge of almost breaking through it, and each day i think THIS will be the day i do, and then i don't.
but i will soon.
losing a mom is hard. but harder to lose her this way than a death, i think, because there she is one click away on the internet just spewing her crap.
but it is very much a death.

and i'm trying to get over it as fast as i can, but it takes it's own sweet time.

11:52pm

written to someone:

sorry i haven't written much today.
i think i am partly over the hyper manic phase of talking and talking and now just the reality hits even more of ...that i have no mom at this time in my life.
stayed in bed most of the day, but finally my boyfriend made me laugh a bit.
i will return to some sort of normalcy soon, i hope.
this is just all so bizarre for me, i even have nightmares about it, so there is just no rest for me, lately.
i did discover ANOTHER lj my mom had caled third_F.
this is all so hard. i can't really comprehend it.
i suppose i never will.
part of getting older, i guess, is learning to live with things unresolved and messy

it's hard also because i guess in the "old days" (before the net, etc). when a person's parents went a bit odd on them, one could more easily ignore it. but when there is now the internet where they are just "one click away" and you can still have instant access to all their demented thoughts and still see them conning people and people conning them, it adds a whole new dimension...and it's just...so hard.

i hope your day has been a lot more pleasant. and i really value your kindness and input :)
it makes this bleak time for me more bearable.

but, i am a survivor (as my mom says she is).
and...i WILL get through this.

life is damn weird. and thows you some curve balls you would have never suspected.

but you know, it's nothing like my friend kat
who had parents who had mean parents and then she was in a violent car wreck where her friends died and burned before her eyes and she lost an arm and a leg.
and then finally 4 years later, she found love and things seemed to look up for her, and then her boyfriend had a freak accident where he is now paralyzed from the neck down and can't even breathe on his own. and so now she is HIS support instead of him being hers, as it was.
and so...you know, when i see her, and her spirit, and what has happened to her...i feel i have no right to complain, even tho pain is relative...
it still is just mighty inspirational...and even more mightily bewildering.

life. it's just nuts. and i'm sorry about your brother. i also don't speak to my brother.
i lived in this sort of (from the outside) 70's "i'm ok you're ok, dr seuss family" and we were white, lowerclass small town lutherans who then in the 70's adopted a black child from chicago.
and no one knew what fetal alcohol syndrome was then, but that is what, we think, my brother has. and so he kind of has no conscience or idea of consequences, and he was pretty much a bastard to me all my life.
i could go on about that, but i won't. and i know his pain must have been severe living as the only black person in this white town of 500 farmers where people thought he didn't have hair on his head but "wool" . and he was also intensely psychic.
but ya.. wow...

i hope when we are all dead we get to see what on earth this was all about!
i know this story is not more interesting than anyone's life story. all families have their quirks.
and i'm sorry, i feel guilty, to expound upon my life so much because then i feel like i am the narcissist then. and i am, a bit, since that is what i grew up with and am grappling with.
and i hope you just call me on it it if i get to be too much.
i don't want to be a burden on you, but i find myself , once again, writing to you one of my late night manifestos. and you have you OWN life to lead. i just want you to know that it is the act of writing about this to someone that helps the most. and i don't expect any sort of reply from you, ok? and i mean that with all my heart.

i don't even know what to say next now...haha :)
just one day at a time, y'know?

all i know is you are a good egg, it seems, and you have your feet firmly planted on the ground (as much as a person can in this nutty world), and just thanks for allowing me to write to you :)

and i hope this email find you in good spirits! and i hope you get some major nuzzling from your man :) maybe that is what you are doing right now :)

i'm not usually THIS heavy and dire. i DO have a lighter side, i swear :)