september 25th, 2004

today i was a lot less sad, angry, and frustrated re: my mom
each day brings a tiny bit more healing and a tiny bit more pieces of the puzzle.

i still haven't weaned myself from looking at the lies she posts in her journal. she is SO good at making posts that appear as if she is on some sort of path to self-enlightenment. and that is maddening and sad to me. and i know i am the only one who can read between the lines of what she is saying...and it's not going to mean much except to me. like making a post called "thoughts with emotions" is just so telling to me. as if her thoughts are, generally, so void of emotion, she felt it was worth mentioning that THIS post DID have emotions. i know many of you may think i am over analyzing...but none of you have had my mom...so...

but...all in all, i am slowly, very slowly, coming to terms and getting back to a sense of balance.

and i feel a sense of accomplishment for how far i have come. even tho i still sabatoge myself by reading her journal.

i know you all are probably tired of hearing about it, but is a very necessary stage for me.
and you will, no doubt, be seeing art from me which reflects this.
but probably not in the way you imagine it.

this is, at the very least, an interesting study on how the evolviing technology, such as the internet, is a whole new gammut of cogs that can be thrown into the "machine" of relationships.

i'm sure i'm not the only one, but i'm sure i'm in the 1st wave of people who have had huge difficulties between their parents because of the internet and it's nature. it adds a new dimension.
it adds a new dimension to a LOT of relationships. whatever that relationship may be...

time to fall asleep to c2c now.

 

10:17pm

http://www.camillerosegarcia.com

i can't even pick a favourite one of these to show you!
i love this woman's work so much it HURTS.
i want it tattooed all over my body!

7:10pm

jason is coming over to watch a movie.

 

7:00pm

a big long email i sent someone:

well, this sounds strange to say, and my mom would never agree with me (of course), but i really feel that if my mom had not grown up in such a strict religious family and if she had not had this really creepy experience with a ouiji board as a young child, that she would have gravitated to a more pagan type religion. i believe her true being is somewhere there. she always loved gypsies and she always read her horoscope "for a lark", and she actually, i feel, has some psychic powers that she could have finely tuned had she not been afraid of them and suppressed them. but she has completely suppressed that side of herself, because it really scares the crap out of her. she has suppressed her entire spiritual being out of fear of "satan". and she says the bible says there are things that "god just doesn't want us to know".
so she literally remains a child in god's eyes, never peering out her front door to search for her own truth because it scares the crap out of her.
i can totally see in her that in some "past life" or something, she probably was some sort of wiccan or something. so i think , with the mask of the internet, she was finally able to finally check out other wiccans without fear of people thinking she was doing something satanic and against god.

because her husband doesn't pay any attention to what she does on the internet, and is actually rather uninterested in what she does on it.

i found it rather encouraging, but also maddening that she was befriending all these wiccans, because i had tried so much to show her the wiccan way and what it was about, i even gave her books to red on it so she could see it was not evil.

but what she deemed as the authority figures in her life have always been against that. and she always does what authority says because she doesn't trust herself or believe in herself enough follow her own instincts. she will always align herself with authority figures to make the decisions for her. that is what people with NPD do, align themsleves with authority figures and then mimick them and what they say and feel powerful because they are aligned with them. her dad was also a professor at a college and very strictly religious. and he was also a narcissist. and so was her mother. then she married my dad, a minister. then after that, she married ANOTHER minister (her current husband) who is now a professor, just as her dad was.

my mom has always had this intensely deep insecurity that actually she is very stupid. and when i grew up with her, she always told me how stupid, fat, and ugly she was. and i would have to console her and tell her she was not stupid fat and ugly. so sad.

and bayarts, being the queen of manipulation (and wow! she is GOOD!)
played on that, knowing my mom's weaknesses calling my mother a "silly housewife" in posts in her journal, which is my mom's deepest fear.

that's when i truly saw what bayarts was. well, i really saw what she was when i saw that flame war in the newsgroups between her and some other guy. she even has a website that she made DEDICATED to the hate she has of this man. she says this man is a mysogynist stalker of women. and maybe he is. i don't know. but she won't let it go and has made it her life's mission to stalk this man and torment him. and he has made it his mission to do the same back to her.

and she is VERY smart and VERY good. she has the whole spoofing IPs thing down. she definitely knows what she is doing and is highly skilled at it.
it's a shame she puts her intelligence to waste like that. something really bad must have happened to her in the past re: men. she is obviously very traumatized by it. and i can actually relate to that a lot. and i think that is also why she could relate to me, a bit. as i was traumatized, too.

so it's such a weird little triangle that is going on.
where bayarts and i have a lot in common re: feminism and activism and art, and then she is also so much like my mom in that i feel she is manipulative, obsessed and stalking and a liar with a love to try to be a whole bunch of "personalities" on the net.
and we each mirror back little things in each other, both the good and the bad. if only the other 2 could see it, we could probably have a very interesting conversation about it and learn a lot from each other.
but i'm DEFINITELY not talking to bayarts, even tho i think she is very astute in her observations, and i'd love to know what she thinks, because she is so smart and such a good observer.
i'd love to talk to her about my mom more, because what little she told me were such good observations.
but she is way too loose of a cannon and also a pathological liar and not to be trusted by any stretch of the imagination.
and then my mom...well, she is NOT a good observer and is lost in her own world and i'm not going to talk to her either.

but it's all very weird and interesting to me!
*whew* what a strange life this is.

oh ya, and narcissists don't have a sense of humour. they only have sarcasm.
i don't know if you ever noticed that my mom would always be saying "people just don't understand my sarcastic wit"

anyway, that is my angle on all of this, so far.
it's a novel!

now WHY on earth bayarts was interested in my mom i have NO idea.
unless she just kept her around to get closer to me. because i'm sure my mom told her about me right away. and i suppose bayarts was interested in the whole spying on me thing, because that was a fun game for her.

in fact, not to be rude, but i don't really understand why anyone is interested with my mom on the net because my mom, to me, never posts anything that is very interesting. she just keeps things to quotes from other people or stuff about what she cooked or the spa. maybe people just gravitated because there is so much drama around her? or else she is posting some interesting things in friends only mode that i never saw. but i just don't really understand it. she doesn't, imo, post anything that one could base a friendship on.
but i suppose there are just a lot of people that like to keep it at that really shallow chit chat level and that makes them feel less lonely and gives them something to do. i don't know...there are a lot of people like that, i guess.

in person, she's a much better conversationalist.

i am more of a person who loves to really delve into people and subjects deeply.
(as you can see). almost to the level that perhaps it's a bit TOO exhausting. i definitely need to give my analytical mind a rest. which is why i love crocheting! it is a form of meditation for me and calms me down and slows down my brain.

that is cool that both sides of your brain think equally :)
i think that would come in very very handy!

wow, well, i am just going to send this to you via email because other wise i will have to make lots of little posts in lj with that.
i hope i'm not wearing you out!

3:04pm

oh shoot, i am sleepy!

10:53am

new day.
clean slate.

it's going to be the perfect temperature and sunny, according to weather.com, for a few days, maybe even a week :)
i MUST take advantage of that and get outside to take in the last of the warm weather and recharge myself.

i had extremely violent dreams all night long. blech. shaking that out of me, leaving it behind in the ether.

listening to icehouse.

ok, ya, i remember now why i sold my icehouse album way back in the 80's
they have 4 good songs only, no promises, sons, hey little girl, icehouse..
and the rest is just..what were they thinking?
it's like they can't decide who they are...they either sounds exactly like roxy music, john foxx, or the velevet underground, or some really terrible pop band, or some sort of bar band.

ooo, and their song "icehouse". my god, i haven't heard this in decades. i LOVE this song. it's making me feel so weird to hear it again! triggering all these old feelings of being back in my dad's house and being 16 or 17...wow. *chills* (no pun intended).

man, sometimes life is good. the sun shining.
cocoa cola. and my favourite songs from the 80's.
it's these simple things that make life worthwhile and beautiful.
i'm such a new waver. i'm happily still loving 1981.
just give me atari's "pong" and devo and i'm a happy camper.

man, i could sit here all day and listen to the "icehouse" song by icehouse on infinite repeat all day in headphones.

pleasure.................
it makes me want to do heroin and then slip into a coma.
i've never done heroin and i never will.
and i know to some of you that doesn't sound that pleasant.
but that is just the feeling i get when i listen to it.
sleeping under the ice and slowing becoming numb and slipping away into death (in a GOOD way..haha :)

maybe some day i will cover this song. oh yes.

i really should be a scorpio and not an aries.

i should make a compilation for myself entitled "songs to die to"

"don't fear the reaper" would have to be on that. jason hates that song but i LOVE it.
and i AM going to cover that one.

+++

in other news, i've lost weight and i didn't even know it.
i weighed myself today and i'm 106. i thought i was 109 or even more.
i don't feel or look any skinnier to me...hmmm.
but i measured my thigh, and it is actually smaller. odd.

+++

now i'm downloading "west end girls" and some stranglers songs.
it's easier than going into the other room and finding the records of these i already own. i that kind of makes me laugh :)