september 23rd, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

10:27pm

above: my incentive for me to keep my hair brunette and grow it out.
as always, my incentive for just about everything these days, bjork.

i'm finding it really difficult to rid myself of the habit of checking my juno email. but i can't check it if i want it to remain full of all the emails you sent me so that it would bounce. so...i do NOT check it. but i've had that email for so many years...it is a reflex for me to check it.

it will pass in a few weeks or less, i hope, as i get used to the habit of not checking it anymore. and there are still a few people i need to email and tell them i no longer use that email.

and i must rid myself of the compulsion to go check my mom's journal and see if she made anything public. i've got to bite my lip and DO IT no matter how hard it is. but it's hard because she is my MOTHER. but i just have to deal and suck it up. i HAVE to. i am only sabotaging my own happiness by going there "just to see".

what was that little key phrase quote i had in my cam picture for a few days a a few weeks ago? "the key to your future lies in your daily activities"? something along that line.
so true. so very very true.

also, i need to look up some sort of "unbinding spell/ritual" i can do to break the bonds and ties i have with my mother, if that is even POSSIBLE at all. because i believe the ties one has with ones mother are the closest and most rigid ties of all.

i will always be intrinsically and intimately connected to her just in the fact that we share DNA in common and i lived off of her body IN her body for 8 months (i was a month premature).
that cannot be denied nor erased.
but there must be SOMETHING ritualistic, magically speaking, that i can do to break our psychic and emotional bond.

although i really am not sure it is possible, i sure as heck and going to look into this and try.

 

6:54pm

ok, just out of interest...and i can't find my calculator....

britney's wedding dress took 300 hours to make and cost $26,000
so...how much $ per hour is that?

(even tho i know that doesn't take into account the cost of materials)

i know i have my computer calculator...but i can't find the "divide" button on it.

6:42pm

i think i will have to change my phone number, too.
just for peace of mind. there was 1 message blinking on my machine and my heart took a dive and started thumping loudly and quickly as i pondered that it might be a call from my mom. and i can't deal with having to have my heart do that everytime i see there is a message on my machine.

but it was from a woman who wanted to know what was the "who is rachael olson?" on her phone bill.
so...one of you may be in trouble tonight! i sure hope not...but it has happened where i get some pretty pissed off wives calling me sometimes. but not very often. maybe only about 1 a year.

i always try to make them feel better and say my site is about art, music, photography, and writing, which it IS.
no one should ever feel threatened by my site.

the woman i talked to today was quite friendly, so i hope all will be well.

when people do chargebacks on me, it costs me a lot of money.
i don't know if people know that. i lose the money that i did get, plus they charge me extra for the chargeback.
so it really sucks.

there are people who like to chargeback just because they want something for free.
they will sign up and look around and then just do a chargeback, selfishly.
it really sucks when that happens.

i could fight it, but i never do because i just don't have the strength to sit and fax stuff off and all the junk you have to do to fight it. i hope this doesn't put ideas into any of your heads! i will trust you not to be mean to me :)

 

6:24pm

why does "the apprentice" have to be on at the same time as CSI?
so sad...
i am now torn over which one to watch. i didn't watch the 1st apprentice. it didn't sound appealing to me.
but then i watched one of the beginning episodes of this new season, and i was surprised to find that it was actually quite interesting.
i think i'm going to have to side with the apprentice since the CSI ones will be eventually repeated.
i wish i had tivo, sometimes.

the 1st episode of survivor, for this season, didn't really grab me. there is no one in the "cast" i feel especially interested in. maybe this 2nd episode will make me feel better about it. but it might be another ho hum season like that one season was who had that guy x-porn star who won. that season sucked ass.
i hope this one won't be as bad as that one.

i think i am also getting sick of the survivors always being on an island in a tropical climate.
they have done that just way too many times in a row now. i'd like to see some people surviving in a different climate, like mountains, or maybe alaska or northern canada wilderness. or how about somewhere remote in russia where the mongolian type people are?

i don't think people tune in JUST to see the women in their bikinis. i think a lot of people tune to to see how they will SURVIVE. that is what is interesting about the show! that's why it's called survivor and not baywatch.

 

5:57pm

now it's blue skies but still cold.

i went to check my mail and my mom's letter was still there. grrrr.
so i had to touch it again and i moved it into the outgoing mail box.
which felt just as horrible as when i first saw it and leaves a lump in my throat and in my heart.
i hope to god they return that thing.

then i got called a dick and a fucking nazi because this person has tried to post this photo with the title of "contradiction" to the theme of "lawn ornaments" in my lj community, photocontest.
and they have posted it THREE TIMES. each time i tell them that the theme is NOT contradiction but lawn ornaments, and but they just keep posting it and posting it again anyway.

i finally go to their journal and ask them what is their deal???
and i get called a dick and a fucking nazi.

so many insane people in this world. i don't know why.

i'm trying my best to just brush it off and continue on with my day as positively as i can.

4:43pm

it was 83 degrees and sunny today, and now it's 59 degrees and rainy.

3:31pm

howie figured out how to get those symbols off my cam image!
kick ass!!! thanks howie, you are the best!!!!!!!!!!!
ah, it's a beautiful thing to get those symbols off of there!

2:46pm

better pix of the 2 hats from a week ago.
my juno email bounces now, so thanks!

 

1:52pm

woa! it was totally sunny and gorgeous out! and then within just 1 minute totally big dark clouds, MAJOR change in temperature! woa, that is shocking. i can see blue sky on 1/2 of the sky, and then the other 1/2 completely dark and the dark one is taking over. very sudden and dramatic! good grief. and i was truly going to go on a walk in an hour or less! aaa!

12:05pm

a favor i ask of you all:

i want to make it so that if anyone sends me email at anacam@juno.com, it will bounce,
because that is where my mom emails me. and she keeps emailing me really infuriating emails.
so, please send any kind of email as many times as you can to flood my juno email so that things start bouncing.
that way, when my mom emails me there, it will bounce back to her.
no doubt she will then start emailing me at my hotmail account, but that's ok, becase i can block her there.

my mom is now in note_to_asshat
saying:

"To all the asshats that got on the delusional bandwagon
There are a lot of things I would like to say but for today I will just spit."

i want so badly to say "oh! a note to yourself and all your other-selves! good idea!"

or simply "i think you meant to post that in note_to_self"

but , i will not...