september 22nd, 2004
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6:56pm

i received a big thick letter (snail mail) from my mom today.
i wrote "return to sender" on it.
i hope they return it.
that put a big lump in my throat and was so hard to do.
i suppose because it's so much more personal than just an email.
i see her handwriting on it. i know she touched it.
i wish she could just be a normal loving mom.
i feel such a loss, a hole in my heart.
and it's hard because i know she is in pain, too, in her own way, whatever that is...
and i really believe she truly doesn't understand what is going on and why i am hurt and cannot just "get over it" because she is not capable of true empathy.
and i cannot help her...i have learned. i have tried.
but that is not my battle anymore. i've really have done all i can over the past 7 years.
i am curious as to what the letter says, but i know it will only upset me to read it.
so...return to sender it is.
i kinda feel like crying now. but i don't want to. so, i'm just going to try to concentrate on something else.

this is hard.

i'm going to watch america's next top model now to try to concentrate on something lighter.

1:38pm

wow! i actually feel damn good today. i was prepared to maybe feel worse.
but i feel much better. i feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me!
i truly feel released, i can't even put it into words yet exactly.
just lighter, freer....i feel like this is truly a new chapter in my life for me now.
my mother 's power over me has diminished to almost zero!
i know that she will never acknowledge what she has done to me.
and i know she will continue to try to weasel her way into my life and she will try every trick on the book.
i know that i will have to return letters she sends me and maybe even change my phone number.
but i can do it. i truly feel released from her power today.
i know there will still be ups and downs on how i feel about this.

but TODAY, i am going to revel in this feeling of lightness i feel.
because it has been SO long since i have felt this sort of lightness fo being!

*deep sigh of relief*

i think i will dance now!

12:28pm

well, last night i finally decided just to let the shit fly and speak about my mother and set the record straight over in the journals where my mother has also reaked havoc and confusion on a few people. when anahata56 made a comment to the affect of "why will you not leave me alone!!?" to my mother and she was just at her wits end, i just decided to at least stop the madness for these people so they can have some resolution and peace. and since my mom was mad at me for me not telling them she was my mother, i have now told them. so be it.

it was extremely difficult for me to write it all and do that. and i'm sure i'll be feeling the fallout for it for years to come.
but, like farbel said, under the bed, it takes the control away from my mom.

by saying it finally, publically, like that, it really has the effect of releasing me from the power of it.
i don't feel it looming over me anymore in the same way. i'm not running around trying to put out fires and trying to contain them anymore.
i have released myself from that position as fire manager.
and it feels good to longer be sitting here in fear waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i went and posted this url to summerlady and to anahata56

http://www.anacam.com/mother.html

of course, my mom is denying all of what i said.
i knew she would. and she is still playing the "spurned mother card who still loves her daughter very much" to the the hilt.

whatever. i release myself from trying to control this situation anymore. i release myself from all of it.

and i have NOT checked my juno email today to see what email i, most likely, have from my mother. and i am NOT going to check it because i don't even want to read it.

i don't know if i will post this in my public lj. i guess if drama comes to my lj, then i will. but if it just stays put "over there" with that group of people my mom has befriended and made some enemies of, too, i will not, perhaps.

but it most likely will make its way over to me because my mom's lj friends have lj friends in common with me. so, it's only 2 degrees of separation away from me.

also, what i've written was recieved well by the people my mom harrasses, too.
and they gave me some healing words of encouragement, so that really helped.

i request from you all that you do not go over there and add fuel to the fire in anahata56's journal. she's really just had enough drama for the last few months.

thanks.