| september
21st, 2004 |
||
2:25pm
yesterday it was sunny and windy
and in the 80's
today it's in the 60's and not windy and very grey.
i have even turned on my oven to heat my house!
brrrr.
i have a headache and i drank a red bull hoping that will motivate me to do something today. i'm still waiting for it to kick in...
2:13pm
my mother is driving me crazy today.
another email.
i will spare you most of the details.
then i broke down and went to look on lj, and have been watching a huge drama.
and , i guess, i'm glad i looked , even tho it was upsetting, because it gives
me further insight into my mom.
and i see other people having the same problems with her that i do. and i
see that they make the same observations about her that i do. and it makes
me feel less crazy to see that other people see it to, without any input from
me.
my mom said she sent me a snail mail. i haven't decided yet if i will not read it and write on it "return to sender"
on one hand, i want more insight into her. on the other hand, i know what will be written inside will be upsetting to me.
i go back and forth on the issue of just making huge "manifesto about mother" and posting it publically on anacam just to get all of this out in the open and let the shit hit the fan in whatever way it does, just to get it over with, instead of just living in fear that eventually the shit will hit the fan in some other way. i guess that would be my way of feeling more in control of the siuation, if i just let it all out there and then let it be what it is going to be instead of me just sitting her absolutely paranoid that my mom is going to go ballistic in one of my friends lj's and things getting really weirded out from that route.
if i just let it all out, maybe then
i can't be hurt by it anymore. i don't know.
i really don't know which is the best route to take, or if there is any "best"
route to take.
all roads lead to rome.
anyway, i take full responsibility
for going and looking.
i'm not going to beat myself up about it.