| september
18th, 2004 |
||
+++
and it's always so sad for me when girls find my journal because they are into ana (anorexia) and then they realize i'm not anorexic and they go...but i go look at their journals...and it's just so sad...it's such a helpless feeling watching someone kill themselves slowly.
other than that, i had a really nice
day after i just gave in to it and did nothing but watch tv in bed, which
just felt REALLY good not to think about myself or my life or what i want
to do or anything. just gave my brain a well needed rest. and i'm so happy
i did that.
i needed that badly.
snuggled with puppies and ate ramen and watched the apprentice and saturday night live.
aaaahhh, my over analyzing brain
thanks me for giving it a day off.
*whew*
5:48pm
star trek is on. and i ate some ramen.
and that is what i needed. i now feel content and happy and comforted.
i don't really need much :) it's just finding out what little thing i need
that is the difficulty sometimes.
5:22pm
ok, i surrender. i give up trying
to make this day into anything else than what it is.
i will snuggle in the bed with the puppies and watch a movie.
or maybe what i should do is read.
i'd just like to get lost in a story that is not my own...
an i'll make some ramen to eat.
5:16pm
i like this:
http://stereophonic.main.jp/slide.html
it comforts me.
i need to be comforted.
4:48pm
i'm not feeling as much energy as
i had yesterday and i don't know why.
now that i have made my dance playlist...i feel lost at what to do next. i
tried to dance but i just didn't feel like it.
i feel open and vulnerable today. i don't think i feel depressed, but i feel
like closing off and putting a lot of "armour" around me. wrap myself
up in many layers of clothing and cross my arms and pull the sheets over my
head and cocoon.
i can't think of anything i really want to do today. nothing really appeals
to me.
i'd even go so far as to say i'm bored...and i am hardly ever bored.
i might be bored about 3 times a year. and this is one of those times.
bored and dicontent and feeling vulnerable.
not a great combination.
i wish i could "snap out of it" but i just can't so i've decided
maybe i should just not fight it and wrap myself up and cocoon.
maybe it's just that i need to eat. but i don't have anything i want to eat
either.
i hate when i get like this...i hope it passes soon.
my snuggling with the puppies will help.
4:07pm
here is the dance playlist i made.
it's kind of schizophrenic, but it'll do...
outkast- hey ya
britney spears - toxic
brandy- movin' on
brandy- sitting up in my room
chemical brothers- dig your own hole
courtney love- i'll do anything
da brat- fa all y'all
da brat- come and get some
elastica- waking up
ingrid chavez- elephant box
janet jackson- all for you
janet jackson- come on get up
justin timberlake- rock your body
kosheen- (slip and slide) suicide
kosheen- hide u
madonna- music
madonna- american life
madonna- justify my love
madonna- human nature
madonna- lucky star
madonna- die another day
madonna- hollywood
india arie- because i am a queen
moby_ that's when i reach for my revolver
air liquide- live in new york (part 3)
pizzicato 5- twiggy twiggy
prince- come
prince- papa
prince- let it go
prince-controversy
prince- sexuality
prince- let's work
prince- head
prince- hot thing
prince- tamborine
prince- new position
prince- girls and boys
prince- life can be so nice
prince- kiss
prince- anotherloverholeenyohead
prince- i wonder u
prince- when doves cry
prince- i would die 4 u
the prodigy- firestarter
squarepusher- snake pass
thompson twins- lies
thompson twins- love on your side
venus hum- hummingbirds
venus hum- montana
TLC - creep
wang chung- dance hall days
when in rome- the promise
david bowie- slow burn
1:43pm
ya, i've decided not to go out with
jason and his friends.
i'm going to make playlists now in my windows media player for me to dance
to.
i want to work on things to get myself into a more positive state of being.
as you can tell, i'm having a bit of difficulty staying positive.
but i'm just going to keep consciously "raising my vibration" until
i "click" into it.
i know can do it because i've done it many times before.
1:02pm
if i want to be with jason today,
i have to go out and do a lot of things, and be with his friends and i don't
think i can can myself in the mindset to do that. i want things to be calm
today and i don't feel conversational or social.
they are going to meet at a restuaraunt at 2pm, and then at 4pm go see the
movie captain tomorrow (or whatever it is called), and i do want to see that
movie. and then after that is a bbq/party at one of his friends house and
it sounds like there will be a lot of business networking types and things
of that nature going on there, and i don't know if i can get myself into that
kind of mindset.
i feel good today, but i don't feel like i am strong enough today to deflect other people's energy and not just soak it all in and get hyper or nervous.
i think i'd rather get outside for
a walk or just clean and dance and crochet.
ya, i don't think i'm in the mood to be around people.
my weird and uncomfortable dreams
are stuck in my head.
and i feel exhausted from them.i want to shake them from my system.
and exhausting emails from people already.
one guy let me know he thinks i am "mutilating" myself in the name of beauty if i bleach my hair.
wow.
and then a really exhausting email
from this woman i've known on the net for a long time regarding my long rant
about the war and the military. and she is trying to engage me in this exhausting
discussion about it. i could not even read her whole email, it was just too
exhausting to read and i can't go there.
i got it all out of me when i posted what i posted and i can't talk about
that anymore.
and then, there is his guy from high
school.. i actually had my 1st date ever with him. it was a truly lame and
uncomfortable date. we saw "annie" the movie (*barf*) and then had
milkshakes at a restaurant. it was all so innocent and completely dorky and
uncomfortable. i never did kiss him or anything. it was just a movie and milkshakes.
and we were, sort of, friends, a little bit. we had a lot of classes together.
but we were never close friends.
well, he found me on the net all
these many many years later and joined my mailing list and even bought my
1st grey hair that i had sold on ebay as a joke, which i thought was a LITTLE
weird.
he's even kept all the little doodles i used to give him as i doodled in class.
and that is flattering.
but he is really passive aggressive and whiney and sulky to me in emails with me. trying to use those kind of tactics to get me to email him back and have some sort of friendship with him now. and i WOULD have been been a bit of friends with him had he not gotten all sulky on me right away if i did not email him back at a time he felt i should email him. he'd say things like "i'd join your site if you would just write back". and that is gross to me. you don't BUY me like that. you can't say "i'll give you 15 bucks a month" if you just write back. i mean, join my site because you WANT to. and i'll email you back if i WANT to. and with each email would just get get more whiney and sulky and manipulating.
and then this last one today was something like "are you ever going to write me back or are you just going to hide behind you generic web stuff?"
why does this person feel i OWE him
something just because in 1979 we had milkshakes and science class together?
i am not fucking OBLIGATED to be this person's friend just because of that.
argh. and just GROSS!
so finally, i DID write him back and i just told him the reason i didn't ever write him back is because he is passive aggressive, whiney and sulky and that does not work with me. and i said this last email was actually SNOTTY, so i told him i am blocking his email.
so i blocked him and banned him from
my mailing list.
and i know he'll be all like" she's such a stuck up bitch diva now that
she thinks she's this famous camgirl" but whatever.
manipulative guilt-tripping people have no place in my life.
YUCK! so many really ishy people in this world that just make my skin crawl.
i hope he isn't going to turn into a crazy stalker now. because he sure is showing some symptoms of turning into one.
there are so many people in this world who think i owe them something. who have this sense of entitlement to me.
like some guy emailed me the other day asking me when i was going to make another record. i didn't feel like writing back to this person, so i didn't. i don't HAVE to answer EVERY single question somebody asks me. i just don't!
and then about a week later, this person writes back and copies their email they had written to me with the sentence atached of "so i guess this did not warrant a reply?"
wow, what a whiney sulker! what were
they doing, checking their email everyday for a week to see if i would reply
and then stewing about it and then writing this little sulky email back at
me. gah!
i'm GLAD i did not write back to him now. i don't OWE this stranger anything.
i do not OWE it to him to engage in a dialogue with him!
if some stranger called me on the phone and started asking me questions in the middle of my day am i OBLIGATED to stop everything i am doing and answer all their questions to their satisfaction?
am i obligated to stop walking on the street and engage in dialogue with every single person who tries to get my attention and talk to me?
NO!
if someone hands me a pamphlet on the street do i HAVE to take it and then read every single word and then have a discussion with them about it??
NO!
augh.
what is the deal with some people?
ya, i think i will stay home today. i am certainly not in the mood to be around people today.