september 11th, 2004
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8:20pm

the "death of a salesman" play was fantastic! but wow, what a depressing story!
what an brilliant writer arthur miller was. what a study of human dysfunction that was, especially, narcissism.
i know , my new buzz word.
seeing my dad was also really wonderful. we always have such good conversations and it's so nice to have a parent who isn't a complete nut. he makes me happy :)

12:43am

it feels like just yesterday that the planes hit the towers.
it doesn't feel like 3 years at all.
whenever i see footage of it, i still cry every single time almost like it's the 1st time i've ever seen them hit.
how the planes disappear into the towers like melted butter.
i've never seen anything that chilling and surreal.
the people jumping out...
when the 1st tower fell....how it seemed like some sort of horrible hollywood movie come to life.
i couldn't believe what i was seeing.
i still can hardly believe it.
it's still so surreal to me.
and i knew at that second that the world would never be the same.
and that the golden age was over for america.
and i knew this was the beginning of the end.
i wasn't surprised to see it.
i knew it was a long time coming and was bound to happen sooner or later.
but it still shocks me to my core, just the same.

one emotion that has always been missing for me that most everyone around me seems to have experienced, is anger.
i never did get angry.
maybe because i could understand why someone would want to fly planes into the towers, and so, weirdly, i felt just great sorrow not only for all the innocent people who died, but also great sorrow for the people who flew the planes into the towers because they were that much in pain, that desperate, small, and unheard, that they felt their only choice in life would be to take their own lives and the lives of others. actually, my 1st thought was that americans, themselves, had flown the planes into the towers...(which conspiracy theorists do feel it was an "inside" job)
to be in that much fear, to have your life be THAT shitty, and to feel so insignificant and worthless and that pain would become a burning hate worse than hell itself that you would rather die (and take as many people with you as possible) than live in the hell you felt life was, and that it just grew and grew until that hell became hell for us all. to be that warped and twisted, and to do it in the name of ANY god. how surprised they must have been when a land of milk and plenty with rewards of whatever they thought was waiting for them on the other side was not there for them.
how surprised they must have been to maybe, theoretically, see themselves on the other side with all the people they had just killed. that must have been quite an interesting conversation.
secretaries and bankers who were just filling their cups with coffee to instantly find themselves inexplicably dead and standing next to some equally confused really angry souls from the other side of the world who had just been piloting a plane into a tower.
i hope there were lots of spirits from the other side ready and willing to help and mediate that entire mess. i'm sure there was.
it had to be far more bewildering than watching a plane melt like butter into the tallest building in the world.

it's sad we cannot see how we are all one. and god is within us all.

and that, instead of taking that as a signal and opportunity for us to listen and be compassionate to those who are being so unheard, we just made more people hate us. just killed even more, silenced more, made more people feel small and insignificant and powerless. 'caused my pain and more hell.

killed and maimed and psychologically and literally raped 10 times the amount that were innocently killed in the towers. and that pain will echo on for eons.

we could have taken the towers falling as our wake up call to become more compassionate human beings but instead their hate turned us into the monsters they were.

like being bitten by vampires. the hate and hell has spread.

i'm not saying that sitting down with many of the terrorists and giving them and hug and listening to their problems is going to solve much. many have to be taken out (along with much of our government, too...and we certainly had no right to go over and kill thousands of people and destroy 2 more countries in our quest for "the terrorists"), i suppose, as one would a serial rapist. they are so hate filled now, they are, perhaps, twisted beyond repair like a normal cell which has turned cancerous and now must be cut out from the body. but it's not to late for much of the world, i don't think. i think much of the world that our government walks all over (and this includes it's own citizens!!) would definitely would benefit greatly and be healed by being actually seen and heard and made to feel like they weren't insignificant pawns in some sort of sadist world power game.

but that this will probably never happen
makes me even more sad.
it is a sad sad time for this planet.

i'm bittersweetly glad i had the luxury of experiencing life in america before 9-11 (sadly, at the expense of the rest of the world, it would seem now). it's weird that there are children on this planet now who will never know what that was like. and who will hear and see the footage of the towers, but it will seem far away and removed like pearl harbour does for me.



it still freaks me out how the whole thing is summarized the "the tower" card of the tarot, down to the people falling and the fire.

the tower
Divinatory meaning
(very very brief summary..the true meaning is actually FAR more vast, detailed, and fascinating than this...)

Upright (or using this energy/opportunity for good) - Disruption. Conflict. Change. Sudden violent loss. Overthrow of an existing way of life. Major changes. Disruption of well worn routines. Ruin and disturbance. Dramatic upheaval. change of residence or job sometimes both at once. Widespread repercussions of actions. In the end, enlightenment and freedom.

Ill Dignified or Reversed (or using this energy/opportunity for bad) - Negativity. Restriction of desires and imprisonment. Less sever forms of the above. Drastic change that may rob the individual of freedom of expression. Sometimes bankruptcy and imprisonment. more usually imprisonment within a set of circumstances which cannot currently be altered. Sudden changes out of one's control. Less sever forms of the above