september 8th, 2004

7:19pm





worked on the hat a bit more. it's almost done.
just trying to get back to life.

 

4:39pm

i'm spending far too much time here...very funny stuff:

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/about/best/

2:44pm

yes, i'm still procrastinating

my horror-scope for this week:

Two wrongs may make a right this week. A mistake could lead to a lucky break, and some questionable decisions could result in you looking like a genius. The karma in your vicinity is extremely odd, Aries. It's as if you can't get the opportunities you need unless something goes awry. It's like the only way you can meet your date with destiny is if you're under an illusion about what your date with destiny is.

find out what yours is here

2:12pm

so, called in to my dr to have him call in my headache meds. i sure hope he does. *crosses fingers*

called back makenzie about getting my hair done again. i have gone back and forth on the whole hair thing and what to do and i simply cannot deal with this short brown blah hair thing. it's not making me feel any better about things. it's not fabulous. so...she wants to do my hair for a mannequin , perhaps.

that would rock.

if she will, then i am going to bleach my hair just a LITTLE bit, enough to dye it red, and then i will get 1/2 red and 1/2 white dreads.

no more frickin' brown for me, thank you very much.

i always love getting new hair, it signals a new era.
and i am in a red era.
and when i take my old hair out it's like taking old energy out.
brown energy out. red and white energy in.

or maybe i will bring in that wig by nee and say make my hair look like THAT. yaaaaaaaa!
mmmmmmmmmm :) ok, NOW we're talking.

yes, i need my clown hair :)

and now i must make it to the little store for carbonated sugar beverages.

and then i will trim the dogs toenails and perhaps also give sebastian a well needed haircut.

maybe i will even give all of the dogs a bath.

and then tomorrow we can all go out for a walk.

 

 


1:39pm

i have to find a way to somehow get something done today besides aimlessly surf in hopes that i can get my mind of things. i need to get to the store for food. i need to clip the dogs toenails. i need to clean.

i need to CREATE something.

i need to eat something.

i have a headache, a stomache ache, and cramps.

i have to find a way to get my energy back up and on the upswing again. must get out of this vortex.

 

12:49pm

i have such a headache. and i need to call my doctor to call in more amitriptyline for me for my migraines.
i really hope he will do that. i hope he doesn't need me to see him for it because i don't want to spend $120 to see him. i haven't been to him in maybe 2 years now? wow, how time flies.

i am going to have to make ana@voog.com not fwd to my juno anymore.
maybe i'll have it point at hotmail. and then i can just block my mom's email when she writes me. because i really don't want to hear it anymore. it makes me crazy.

i can just see the pattern now. she was being all remorseful, and then she was like "hey, haven't you ever made a mistake before? c'mon?", like maybe this was not such a big deal, and now she is just being nice and trying to engage me in conversations about crochet and what she feels *I* may be doing wrong, and then pretty soon it will turn into abuse and stupid hurtful comments she will make. and no thank YOU.

it was so weird to see her put on all the masks yesterday to try to elicit the response from me she wanted. she was just whipping through them all to see which one would work. remorseful mask? angry mask? shameful mask? the "i-do-so-have-wonderful self esteem and i am a god" mask. and the "i am a piece of shit and am worthless to you" mask.
i could just see her brain flipping through the channels of "which mask do i put on so that i can get what i want from you?"
it was bizarre to witness.

and then the email of "hey, haven't YOU ever made mistakes? i was in a panic! haven't you ever been panicked? hey now, we're all human, right? so hey now, come on now and let's make up. oops, sorry!"

she just doesn't GET it.

no mom, you really fucked up BIG time this time mom.
that was your LAST chance, don't you get it?
did you think i was kidding when i told you that if you did that again i would leave? did you think i was just joking around?
do you think i'm a stupid idiot? because umm, i'm not. so goodbye!
i'm not putting up with it anymore!

no more crazymaking!!!

do you think my life is a little video game for you to play?

i also think it's very interesting and telling that when she shows remorse it's about how "she has failed as a mother".
it's not remorse about causing me pain. she's not like "i'm so sorry i have hurt you!" she's like "i'm so sorry i have failed as a mother!"

her reputation as a mother is what bugs her.
her job title. the mommy game.
i don't know.

she has lost her title and reputation and job and duties.
i know the word "mother" goes far beyond that...
but i'm just saying....i think it's really telling how she words it that way and never that she is sorry that she has hurt anyone.

she tells me she loves me. but what does that MEAN to her?

 

 

11:43am

i don't have much to say today, i hope.
just woke up an hour ago or something.
i had a horrible sleep. i don't think i even got 8 hours.
i'm so anxious.
had a big long exhausting dream that there was something wrong with my uterus, that it had 2 "nodes" on it or something that were making off balance and bleed more.
i hope i had that dream only because i have my period right now and i have icky cramps.
but i suppose it could be symbolic of something deeper, too.

but lord, i certainly don't even want to analyze it. i can't analyze ANYTHING today.
i have over analyzed everything and now am burnt out on it.

my brain is fried.

my mom wrote me some email this morning asking me if i wanted to hear her version of why she thinks this stuff keeps happening between us and we keep hurting each other.

i didn't write back.

excuse me? why i keep hurting HER? fuck that.

as far as i am concerned, this case is closed.
she has NPD. she is narcissisis and i am echo.
but the game is over now.

that is one of the most ANNOYING aspects in all of this is that she somehow thinks we are equal abusers in this situation.

it's not MY fault that she keeps lying and doing weird abusive stuff.
anything i do that is hurtful to her i do in self defense (which is yell back at her when she abuses me) and i don't think i should have to apologize for that. i just don't. fuck that.

she's always trying to get me to apologize for it.
i keep telling her i'm NOT SORRY! i'm NOT. and i never will be!
i am NOT sorry for telling her where to shove it and to fuck off and leave me alone! i have a RIGHT to defend myself.
any sane person when pushed to the edge like that would defend themselves.

if i guy broke into my house and i hit him on the head, i certainly wouldn't APOLOGIZE for hitting him on the head!

FUCK THAT SHIT.
oh! it makes me SO angry!!

this reminds me so much of the boyfriend i had who would hit me and verbally abuse me.

and i'd try to talk about why he did it and try to get him to stop, of course, and he'd then always try to turn it around on me and be like, "ya, but what about you? what do YOU do?" like i am some equal culprit.

and try to make it that i am equally mean to him. when i wasn't at all.

the only thing MEAN i can be accused of doing is screaming when i am punched.

and if i am supposed to apologize for THAT. well, FUCK YOU.

and i will hit back if hit! and i won't apologize for that either!

so screw you fucked up abuser people.

i'm so SICK to death of you trying to turn it around on me and make me, the victim, into the abuser. FUCK YOU and your manipulative fucktard tricks.

always trying to keep me down. keep me full of doubt.
keep me on the floor.
apologizing to YOU! to YOU?

you've got to be fucking KIDDING me.

i know that stupid trick. i don't fall for it anymore.

i'm not jesus christ. i don't turn the other cheek.

*spit*

ooo, and it just reminds me , too, of how they try to keep guns out of women's hands because i guess we wouldn't know what to do with it or be able to actually use it when we needed to. like we don't have the guts or mental fortitude or something. ooo, it'll get wrestled away from us and used against us! haha! i'm so sure.

i'd blow your brains out before you even had the chance to TOUCH me.