september 7th, 2004
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8:37pm

i'm feeling a glimpse of normalcy. eating something and having some hugs helped.
and wacthing some bad tv, really bad tv.
but it was good to give my brain a break.
i feel i made some some new undertstandings...but i'm not totally sure yet.
still need to think on it...later.

6:12pm

i have found some places online where people who have NPD meet who actually know they have it and actually want to get better. which is an odd thing to read. and as i read their posts...i realize. fijnally, that i am NOT like them at all.
thank god. they really are just people who are incapable of feeling much. of anything. it is so weirdly foreign to me listening to people talk about how they do not feel anything but just learn to copy from other people how to look like they feel in order to fit in and in order to get out for people what they want. it's just bizarre. it's so empty. wow.
i feel badly for these people. but then in a weird way, they don't knwo what they are missing because they never had love to lose it? i don't even know if that makes sense or if i even understand it yet. i don't think i do. but it is just a foreign world of people who just don't feel and use others to get what they want and assume that everyone works this way. it's like some freaky parallel universe.

this post here...so bizarre for me to read. that whole board just ...wild.
there are very litttle posts on there but what is there is so sad and also very amusing because you have narcisissts walking in and saying "screw everyone!" it's just...a very weird planet.

now i am here:

http://journeytowardhealing.org/modules/news/

and seeing if there is any more info here

and i've mostly been here all day:

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/aftermath.html

5:15pm

jason brought me a coke and some treats for the dogs and i :)

i love him :)

i can't wait until he is done playing chess so we can snuggle.
i need some major snuggling.
i feel like i have been floating in a void.
i want to smash my face into his chest and lay there in a nest.

 

4:44pm

ok, it's official.
my brain has exploded.

but really, i just need a coke.
i am really up on NPD again and it has my head spinning.
this has to be one of the most complex and confounding disorders ever.
at least, to me.

and so hard to separate normal narcisssism from abnormal since we live in such an abnormally narcisistic society and our religions and governments and media and just, well, everyone, it seems is incredibly narcissistic. look at lj.

but as a child of narcisistic parents does, i also surround myself with other narcissists to try to figure them out and fix what is broken or something...

i don't know what in the heck.

but i'm pretty much almost sick to my core of thinking about it now since it seems my whole life has been devoted to it.

and so truly hilarious that i haven;t watched "the mirror" yet but intend to tonight or soon .
it's sitting here right in front of me...oh super funny because there is actaully a MIRROR right in front of me, too.
augh.

good grief.

and now i feel exceptionally stupid talking about myself
i am so sick of myself and thinking about myself
and seeing the layers and layers and layers and examining this detail by detail i could seriously puke.
but...i am still compelled like a person driven to solve the damn puzzle to solve it already!

is it even solvable?

i don't think so.

but i DID shut down the email my mom emails me at so i don't have to see my inbox fill up. just can't go there for a bit. need a break.

 

 

 

3:58pm

it's really shocking to me how i can exhibit the behaviour of a person with NPD when i deal with my mom.
it's like i BECOME her and mirror her back perfectly.
i become haughty, arrogant, cold, selfish and mean.
i just go, oh so you wanna see what you're like, well, here.
mirroring back to you, PERFECTLY.
even the very fact that i think i am perfect about mirroring back to her is narcissistic.
it's freaking me out.
being the child of a narcissistic parent is a very confusing thing.
it's even said that in therapy, it's hard for the therapist to pick out which one is the narcissist and who is mirroring back from the narcisisist. (god, i can never spell that word).

and the fact that my cam is just one big mirror, that i am some sort of specialist in mirrors (there is my narcisism again), is just totally freaky to me. it almost makes me feel like my life has not been my own and everything i have ever done is just a reaction not an action, sometimes.

i don't know. this is really difficult to express.

3:13pm

"hell is paved on good intentions."

man, it's just the day of whipping out the quotes.

my mother and i are now having a war of "facts"
she is like "fact: this" and "fact: that"
and i am like "fact: that" and "fact: this".

neener neener neener.

3:00pm

i hate when i smell like fear.
it's such a stinging acid sour smell. yuck.
took a bath.

must get out to get cokes.
cokes are what keep me glued together.

i have to tell you the weird dream i had about the parallel realities and my hair kept changing colour in each reality.

 

2:43pm

god, i wish i had a vanilla coke.

2:41pm

kung fu kung fu kung fu
back and forth
i guess my analysis of my mother is completely wrong, according to my mother.
could be. who knows. i am not her.
fact is, tho, she lied to me and broke her promise again, and that is a fact that cannot be changed.

2:21pm

ok then. according to my mom certain lj user who banned my mom actually asked her to join her community and told her she loved her.
so the weird thing my mom said to her was actually totally fine.
ok whatever.
good to know.

god these people are weird.
seriously seriously weird.

that's all my mom had to say about my latest kung fu email (so far).

 

1:47pm

i am indeed my mother's mother.
and thanks mya, for that one key sentence***!

and if my mom is here on earth to push my buttons so i can grow and be a better kung fu master, then buttons and i shall push back and let the kung fu begin.

what i wrote to my mom:

"i have not failed to listen to you.
i NEVER stopped you from telling me the story or the situation.
you could type it to me even, now , in fact. WHY don't you?
you type to me whole novels of other things.
what's stopping you from typing the words of the situation to me?
huh? what.....i am there in your house holding your hands from typing certain sentences to me?
i mean, c'mon.
i've never stopped you from TYPING.

and no, once again, let me reiterrate to you that no one has contacted me.
and no i have NOT typed to <lj user>.
for cryin' out loud.
NO ONE CONTACTED ME.

it was just YOU. you LIED to me. just you and you alone. that's it.

and while i find it highly likely that <lj user> is still fucking with you, ESPECIALLY since you keep coming into LJ and posting everywhere she posts, too, and staying within her visible eye and mind. i find it highly UNLIKELY that this situation NEEDED to be resolved by you going into lj again and posting poetry and joining science fiction communities (when i know you don't even LIKE science fiction) whose moderator BANNED you from her own personal journal and then you go figuratively whisper in her ear in her community like "<sentence witheld so no one can google it>". and what is up with THAT , mom? that IS darn weird. have you noticed that no one said anything to you when you said that?
as dr. phil would say, "and how's that working for ya?"
took a good long hard look at THAT behaviour. you might want to examine what on earth that is about since you are having a moment of self knowledge. that IS creepy and stalkerish. i'm not saying you are a creepy stalker, but you really DO exhibit some creepy stalkerish behaviour sometimes and that is why so many people, including me, have banned you from their journals because of your creepy stalkerish behaviour. it's no coincidence that so many people have brought this to your attention.
i would really take a good long hard look at that if i were you. because you are truly OBSESSED.

it's embarrassing. it's like you are the uncool awkward unpopular kid who is trying so hard to be cool with the "in" crowd (who are all a bunch of nerd losers, in fact). and you try and try to be hip and cool and read their books, which aren't even your thing, and you just look, frankly, like a real weirdo doing it. it's all so excessively painfully transparent and shallow. i'm sorry to be so brutally honest and blunt with my words, but somehow has to tell you so you can wake up and knock it off and REALLY be YOU. if you TRULY are waking up now to the road of who you are, and you REALLY want to bloom and come out of your box and examine yourself and be all you can be. then you really need to take all that icky insecure stuff out of you and just get the the core of what it really is. i know the task ahead of you is brutal, messy, and even grotesque if you are truly on the road to self discovery. it's the hardest road there is. and it's the messiest most painfully brutally gross one. full of paradoxes and pitfalls and shadows and mirrors.

***where you were really not that *seen* as a child that you so desparately seek this attention even now, at your age?
<thanks mya for that sentence>

i don't know. that is for you to figure out.

and PLEASE PLEASE just stop lying to me mom. i know for an absolute positive fact you have had several journals. so please, just knock it off.
enough already. <lj user>, for one. just please.

i also find it highly unlikely that you were actually going to leave lj if you hadn't been totally busted by me.
so please. spare me. the boy who cried wolf.
and i'm sure you will just start another one in a few months or less, if you don't already have another spare one on the back burner "just in case" even now.

too little. too late. bad choices. but YOUR choices.

i wish for you all the strength for the task that lay before you."

 

12:37pm

my mom is now apologizing her ass off.
but too little too late, y'know?
she is now spinning this huge tale , and who knows if it is real or not...who knows, about that one stalker woman...the one from lj i have told you about, had turned her neighbour against her too and that even a threat was made against her husband. and so my mom is declaring that she HAD to go into lj to resolve this situation with her neighbour , because her neighbour had a lj, too. now, i find it highly likely that this stalker woman is still fucking with my mom.
my mom has met her match. but i find it HIGHLY UNLIKELY that this situation HAD to be resolved by going into LJ and posting poetry.

my mom keeps saying to her that i would never LISTEN to her reasons for her starting a new lj.
but that is ludicrious since she could even type to me what this secret situation is even now!
i'm not exactly stopping her from TYPING to me. hello?

and she still is so paranoid by this woman and she still really won't take FULL responsibility for her actions (even tho she says she has) because she still thinks the reason i have turned against her again is because this stalker woman has contacted ME and has turned me against her. round and round we go.

no, mom, no one CONTACTED me. you LIED. that is all. YOU lied. YOU.

and she's still like "i didn't start several journals", which, in absolute positive fact i know she has!
she just AUGH! keeps lying! just STOP it already, mom!

just come CLEAN. for god's sake already.

you are BUSTED. game OVER.

and now my mom is trying to back track and say her lj was only temporary, just to "resolve" that "situation", which, i guess, has now been resolved.

and she is now saying her goodbyes, once again, in her 8th journal or whatever.

and this is supposed to appease me, i guess. but just too little too late.

and you know, she'll start another lj in about a few months or less.
and be right back to her old tricks.

this is the pattern. over and over and over and over.

1:26am

what i really need is a good cry. but i just cannot bring myself to do it.
i just cannot cry yet. i'm all bottled up.

the other day i accidentally pricked my finger with the exacto knife when i was cutting the dreads out of my hair and then that burst me like a ballooon and i started to cry but i stopped as quick as i could because i just couldn't "go there"

because i know once i start crying it will be that painful deep kind of crying that you almost throw up from. and it's just exhausting as hell.

actually, i don't know if crying will make me feel better. i just feel really bottled up. i just heard my mom's frail sounding voice on my answering machine just now and that just about burst me again.

i don't want to cry...i don't...want to...cry...