| september
6th, 2004 |
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god i promised i wouldn't write my
mom another email but i did.
she broke me down. i know i'll wake up to a slew of angry emails from her
guilting me out more and her yelling at me for it. here is what i said:
"mom, i am sorry you are in
pain. so am i.
i cannot help you because my heart is broken.
i have said everything to you that i possibly can.
i can't possibly be more clear or say it again.
i told you that if you start ONE more lj, i would not have a relationship
with you.
i said that would be the last straw. i said if you did that it would be like
axing me in the head and the heart.
i was very clear and specific.
you PROMISED me that you would not
open another one.
you PROMISED.
you PROMISED to not hurt me that way again.
and you PROMISED to not even MENTION it again, which you kept doing anyway
repeatedly.
you DID open another LJ. in fact,
you opened SEVERAL since you promised not to.
you said that you HADN'T and WOULDN'T.
but you DID.
THAT IS CALLED LYING.
i shouldn't have to explain to you what a lie is.
you guilt me out about not getting
"over it" and not trusting you again.
but you just keep doing things to break my trust.
i can never heal. i can never get my trust regained. my trust in you just
plummets further.
this is not rocket science.
i told you if you started another
lj, that would be it for me.
you had PLENTY of warning. you knew EXACTLY what would happen if you opened
another one.
it was VERY intentional of you. you knew EXACTLY what you were doing and you
knew EXACTLY what the consequences for those actions would be. period. end
of story.
YOU soil my love for YOU by lying
and lying and lying and breaking promise after promise with me.
it is YOU who soil our love, not me.
i'm not going to have a relationship
with someone who lies to me.
that is relationship 101. that is just common sense.
i'd be a FOOL to have a realtionship with someone who lies and breaks promises
to me consistently.
i have never denied you anything
except for you to have the right to hurt me.
i don't deny you to write or create or journal or have online friends. i never
have.
but i DO deny you the right to continue to hurt me.
that is MY free will. you seem to forget i have one , too.
i have the RIGHT to walk away from someone who hurts me. that is my right
as a human being.
you CHOSE to continue to hurt me because what you needed to do you needed
to do, i guess. that is what you say.
it's tragic that the thing you NEEDED to do was the one thing that would break
us up.
but that is the truth of the matter. and you made that choice.
i guess for you, it was either hurt me, or be hurt yourself.
it makes sense to choose not to hurt yourself. that is just the will to survive,
even at the cost of your daughter.
a heavy price to pay, but it must obviously be worth it to you, or you wouldn't
have chosen it.
and i don't want you to be some martyr for me and smash yourself in the head
at the expense of not smashing mine.
but, i don't want my head smashed either.
so i am getting out of the way now. because i also have the will to survive,
even at the cost of having a mother.
so we both have made our choices
now. we both want to survive.
but we cannot both survive and be around each other at the same time.
weird.
i don't undertstand, and will never
understand why you HAD to have it on lj or DIE...
and you have the ENTIRE internet to do it on.
but you know what, like you said, you can do what you want.
and you are right.
you CAN have a lj. you just can't have a lj and have ME.
i don't know why that concept is impossible for you to understand.
and that is the way it is with me.
that is all i have ever asked of you.
relationship is about compromise.
you could have compromised and had your journal somewhere else.
but nooooo the connection is tooo sloowwwww *whine*
so clearly when given the choice over stomping on my heart or the faster loading
page, you chose the faster loading page.
nice.
i feel so respected and valued.
god, i can't even believe i am writing
to you again. i have said all of this before.
why am i saying it to you again?
you make me crazy.
i can't go on like this.
go reread all the emails i have sent you before because i can't repeat myself over and over again.
i don't know why you are so mystified
why i am reacting in this way when i clearly told you how i could react if
you opened another lj.
i was so clear.
you've made your choice.
you could have lj or you could have me.
you have, once again, chosen lj.
yep, you have excerted your free will.
and now i am exerting my free will by leaving.
i ACCEPT you, mom.
i accept the way you are is the way you are.
and i realize how nice you can be and are.
but you are also exceptionally cruel.
and i choose to not be around you
because i can't take the cruel side.
because if lying and breaking promises is part of your new "self love
and loving others" then i don't want anything to do with it.
because that's not the way i operate and i choose to not be around a person
who does that.
i can't live a life like this. i can't take all your crazymaking saying one
thing and the doing the opposite way of living.
good luck with your life. i hope you finally get it all out and blossom and grow and realize and expand and get infinite acknowledgement for your creations. jump out of the box and dance and sing and do whatever it is you want to do. get it all out. go wild. no one is stopping you. no one ever was.
i don't run your life and never did.
you have free will and you have made your choices. i did not choose them for
you."
11:40pm
my mom is sending me emails now that
break my heart. she is in so much pain.
she really seriously doesn't understand what is going on.
i don't know how to reach out to her with out being electrocuted.
i feel like her pleas and cries are like the songs of the siren luring me
out to crash me against the rocks again.
i feel so sorry for her.
she is so lost and confused.
she is in so much pain.
but i don't know what more i could
say or do to help her or this situation.
i have been so utterly clear.
i have just said everything i could to the clearest of my ability, and i have
said it hundreds of different ways hundreds of times.
what more could i possibly say that i haven't said before?
how often must i repeat to her that if she does action A. then i will hurt ?
i gave her 4 chances about the lj thing
i gave her more than that. many many more about our relationship in general. i have taken her back time and time again after wounding me to my core.
i told her , many many times in very clear terms that if she opened another lj i would not have a relationship with her and that would be the last straw for me.
why is this so hard to undertsnad for her?
it's not like i have thrown some surprise at her.
i let her know EXACTLY what would hapen if she did it. and i let her know EXACTLY that many many many times.
how more clear can i be?
i CAN'T be ANY more clearer...
what can i say or do?
my mom emails me these sad sad pathetic emails
she is like a sad wounded animal.
but so am i. so am i!
how many times do i have to go through this with her?
how can i help her???
i can't!
i can't help her....
i don't know how to help her without destroying myself.
i don't know what to do.
this breaks my heart.
it's like having a sad meowing broken kitten at my doorstep but if i let it in it will bite me and give me rabies.
this is one of the worst days of my life.
if i took her back again, she'd just take me for granted again and do something mean again.
it's always the same pattern. over and over and over again.
it's a tragic , pathetic, sad state of affairs when a person's entire creativity, wellbeing, sense of self, meaning for life, and chance to bloom is having a fucking LJ of all things.
and that seems to be the case with my mom.
like if she doesn't have she will
DIE.
what is that about?
and i don't see some major well of creativity spring forth from any of her journals. i don't see any deep discussions taking place there.
she only has 5 friends that she met a few days ago. i mean, what? what on earth?
i'm not denying her her LIFE'S WORK or stopping her from journaling or having friends online or anything like that!
god, i am so sick of writing about this i could puke.
i was just starting to think of creativity and just get my mind off this for an HOUR and then wham, 6 emails that spin me right back down to hell.
she is toxic to me.
11:11pm
i swear, i can go on bjork.com and
find something new and totally interesting there just about every single time
i have gone there. they do such a good job with that site.
i wish i had people helping me with mine. making nifty animations and just
adding those little details i love.
but here i guess everything i just more raw and immediate.
sometimes i'd like to have a site
like bjork's. just putting only the finished products of things out, like
i used to with music.
not talk about the nitty gritty dirt hell that this place sometimes is. like
i say "in all it's mundane and spectacular glory"
mine is really the guts, every sniffle,
(just about) of the creative process. and i love how raw it is here. and i
am proud of that, too.
sometimes even for me it gets to
be even too much "me".
i get sick of myself and just want to go off and create. let things work THROUGH
me. not be ABOUT me.
i don't know if that is putting it right. i don't think i worded that right.
anyway, as you may have noticed, i have obviously been getting a lot of inspiration and strength from bjork lately.
i hold on to that because her work represents to me that energy i must wish to be like/work through me.
i used to be more tori oriented.
but i feel like i have moved out of her energy now.
i used to resonate the most with her. but i am not "there" as much
anymore.
due to a very long and painful story i may tell you a few years from now or not.
but now i am glad resonating there any more. and i can't put it into words yet why because i am just now discovering this has happened and i am examining it.
also, and maybe i am just seeing
it this way because of my painful experience,
btu i think her last 2 or 3 records have not been as good really. they just
seem to be different but not as exciting versions of her other records.
but maybe a few years from now, i will go back and listen to them again with fresh ears and discover i have missed something brilliant.
she just seems to be staying in the same place. i don't want to stay in that place anymore.
also, and i have been feeling this for about 2 years now, i have really been wanting to put out some sort of collection of everything i have made of all i have been and made and learned up until now. something that summarizes it and wraps it up in a neat bow of some sort so i can start off on a fresh clean slate into some new territory.
like bjork describes she needed to do with her family tree collection.
but this is a huge gargantuan undertaking
and i just couldn't do it all by myself i don't think.
and i really despise working on things from the past. i like to just make
things and move immediately on.
i wish i could just hire someone
to do this for me. i wish i had the moeny to put out some sort of book with
photography, writing, and a cd of the bets of my songs...something like that.
i am too close to all of my life to be able to separate the wheat from the
chaffe. i am not able to edit myself.
but i just haven't the strength to do it on my own.
but it would be so cleansing and calm for me to see that process completed somehow.
and for me to get rid of most of my stuff, as i've said i will do.
i really need a clean slate now. i need a major cleansing and so i can be born anew.
i need my life to be summarized in
this "collection" up until now.
so i can see it and touch it and know it and get some perspective on it so
i can move on.
i will still move on anyway, but it would be SO NICE to have this done. SO DARN NICE.
10:11pm
where do all the people who sign
up for my anacam mailing list come from? i should ask them sometime.
it's always like 80 new a week (and then 50 unsub a week). who ARE these people?
how do they find that place? am i really getting that much new traffic? it
really doesn't seem so.
i don't advertise myself anywhere. ana2 doesn't get bigger, but my mailing
list keep on getting bigger always.
this is a mystery to me. are people just searching for camgirl groups on yahoo
to join or what?
and then every time i post something on my group, 200 people will unsubscribe
and 150 will join.
it's just really weird.
9:23pm
i have also been finding a lot of beauty lately and taking that in my side door of my soul while all the anger monsters have been rushing through the front door of my brain:
http://unit.bjork.com/specials/gh/extra/gabriela/index.htm
http://www.intuitivemusic.com/currentmagazine.html
and ideas like wire that is as soft
as angora
and i like the idea of stitching shadows
art that is very organic and intricate
is appealing to me more and more
justapozed against harsh minimilistic backgrounds or something.
it is ocurring to me how i could make an outfit that would be just as nobel as a song.
so far none of my hats have equalled, to me, the complexity i was able to convey through music.
but it is finally ocurring to me how i could do that.
and i am intrigued by that challenge.
as i look at bjork's outfits more
and more , in the last few years,
i have wanted to touch and see and discover her outfits just as much as her
songs.
in fact, the hat on her latest album like more than any of her songs on her album.
i'm not satisfied to just see photos
of them.
i want to experience these outfits and indulge myself with them as if i were
listening to her music on headphones.
and since i am simply not able to indulge myself in them because i do not know her or know these people who make them, i must make them myself so i can know what it is like to indulge in them and experience the intricacies.
but i really want to have some that
other people have made.
because then it still holds the mystery of how it was made.
like i can never listen to my music with new ears as anyone else can do but me. simply because i made the music, i know how it was made and it hold no mystery.
i'll never be able to experience myself play live in the way the audience does. i'll never see my own face without the aid of a mirror.
so, dammit. wh ARE these people who make bjork's outfits and HOW do i get them to make something for me? THAT is what i'd love to know.
9:07pm
sometimes i can channel my anger
into something and use it to motivate me OUT of a situation.
and sometimes anger can clog me up and completely paralyze me.
like a flooded car engine.
it's a really thin line.
i have flooded my engine.
and there is nothing i can do but wait patiently until i can put my foot on
the gas pedal again.
9:02pm
i need a way to make my brain shut
up.
and i need this way now.
8:47pm
god, i hope i am done talking about
my mother soon.
i'm starting gross myself out on this subject now.
and i'm sure you're sick to death about hearing about it, too.
but i have to get it out of my system.
8:15pm
yes, i know i am being obessed over
my mom's obsessiveness.
but it's is interesting and weird for me to watch my mom stalk this other
poor girl on lj now.
this girl banned my mom from her journal. and this girl started a new community,
a community which has nothing of interest in it for my mother because it's
about science fiction and my mom hates science fiction. but now she is (saying
she is) reading these science fiction books that the people who hate her read
because my mom is so insecure and weird and is still trying to "fit in"
with the cool people, even tho these people are total NERDS and have already
made it known to her they want to to go away. she she joins the community
where they all are, goes (figuratively) up to the girl who banned her from
her journal and (figuratively) *whispers* into her ear in a way that (as my
mom puts it) "you would do to one you love" and then blahity blahity
something else. i mean. can you spell C.R.E.E.P.Y. L.O.S.E.R? god, i am completely
creeped out by my mom. but it comforts me , in a morbid way, to know that
i am not the only one for which she is creepy stalkersville with.
you seriously don't go join the community whose moderator is a girl who banned you from her journal for being a creepy stalker and then go say a creepy stalker thing to them about loving them. ack. *shivers*
i feel ishy all over. how can this
be my mother?
how did this happen?
how can my mother be so sane and nice and normal and at the same time be so absolutely insane and cruel and just plain creepy and bizarre?
it's thee most bizarre thing
i have EVER witnessed.
i mean, seriously, this really is.
it's like on one side she is just my mormal nice mom and then she also is this insane stalker loser.
like she just has this little switch.
flip flip.
my mind is seriously blown.
and my mom is so smart and funny
on one hand.
and then just so maddeningly shallow and stupid that it's beyond my comprehension.
we used to have really nice long
conversations.
but i guess that was when i was 18. so...
and even when i was little it was like i was the mother and she was the lost
little girl.
she just seems to be stuck at some weird age where she never grew past that age...whatever age that was...15?
all i can think is that there must be something biologically happening in her brain as she has gotten older to make her do this twisted behaviour. that's the only way i can see it and not implode like the computer robot whose been given the illogical question to solve.
there is just something very very
wrong with her.
and i am wigged out.
7:41pm
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7:39pm
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7:09pm
i just remembered the famous quote by albert einstein
"Insanity is doing the same
thing over and over again
and expecting a different result."
7:00pm
jaosn woke up. maybe he will watch
"the mirror" with me.
i haven't eaten anything all day.
i should try to eat something.
6:41pm
i took a long bath.
my mind is whirling with a manifesto of anger.
i want to write it all down to get it out of me, but i am too exhausted.
i would kill for a bottle of wine and 5 xanax.
i just want my brain to shut up.
jason woke up at 3am and then was up until 3pm, then fell asleep and said
he'd msg me when he wakes up but he hasn't msged me yet so he must still be
sleeping which i just hope he will sleep through the night now or something
because tomorrow he has to get up for work. i maybe want to go wake him up
just so his sleep is not even more screwy. but his sleep is already screwy
and he needs sleep because he never sleeps, so i'll let him sleep.
another gorgeous day i have let slip
through my hands because of stupid reasons or not so stupid reasons.
i don't know. who knows. i've beaten myself up enough about it today.
i think i'll stop now and watch a movie.
i have a dvd of andrei tarkovsky's
"the mirror" that jason has lent me.
5:20pm
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3:55pm
and yes the emails from my mother
now start pouring in. all the pleas.
all the guilt trips that make me feel like i am the one who is crazy and bad
and wrong and unloving and uncompassionate. i am the one who is being unfair
and unkind. i will not let me mom just LIVE and BE HERSELF and CREATE. wtf?
she stifled herself in her first marriage she says, and now i am stifling
her.
i guess i have more in common with my dad than just his eyes.
why cannot just ACCEPT her for how she IS , she pleas and cries.
yes, i DO accept you , mom. i accept
that you are a good and loving person when it serves your purpose.
and you are a backstabbing liar bitch when it serves your purpose.
i accept that you are the kind and good mom who braids my hair and the fucked up narcissistic personality disordered two faced doll head spewing monster from hell who thinks she knows all about "love" and "compassion" but is just blowing smoke up everyone's ass.
wake up, mom.
you can post all the feel goody lovey compassionate poetry inspirational poster shit in your journal that you want to. it's never going to make you a loving and compassionate person, for real.
i understand that you married the
wrong man and squished yourself down for 13 years in that marriage.
but you're not the ONLY one who continues to pay for that crime.
it's just so fucked up how i continue to get the short end of the stick on
that, too.
ooo ya, you're such a REBEL mom, sticking up for yourself and making another LJ. good job mom. rock and fucking roll. nice going. you choose your battles well.
CLEARLY stomping all over your daughter's soul, once again, is WAY more worth opening a journal over at the hundreds of other journal places on the internet. but "ooooo, you cry, the connection speed to those places is just toooo slowwwww for you over there *whiiiiiine*". oh god FORBID you should have to wait another few seconds for a page to load rather than save your relationship with your daughter. CLEARLY the choice was obvious.
the faster loading pages at LJ were the MUCH better option.
slice away at my heart mom. slice slice slice. yay. i'm so GLAD you have come into your own BEING now and finally DISCOVERED yourself and finally REALIZED what true LOVE and COMPASSION are all about!
i am glad you have FINALLY "learned to be a true loving person to myself and others" now!
wow! i FEEL the love, mom! i FEEL THE LOVE.
my HEART is so OPEN and BLEEDING. it feels just WONDERFUL! like open heart surgery with a rusty butter knife! yay!
let's give three cheers for your new "self knowledge and understanding".
yay. yippee. peace to you you and your path! <insert good natured antedote here> <add to memories section>
and thanks for crazymaking sentences like "i chose not to tell you but i tried to tell you but you wouldn't listen".
you tried to WHAT? tried to choose
not to tell me?
and why you were choosing not to tell me i didn't listen to that?
huh?
what's that now?
and crazymaking ideas like "i promise to you i will never open another lj again. i would never do anything to intentionally harm you. of course you mean more to me than lj"
and then opening another lj practically that very day.(for the 4th time in a row!!)and then telling me that it's not a LIE you said that. it's just that i wouldn't LISTEN. and you know, not only that but it's MY FAULT you HAD to open another lj because you had to resolve that drama from a year ago that i guess *I* now started , even tho i have never even spoken to these people in my entire life except for to tell one of them to leave me alone and keep me out of the drama. ya, you know the one you sent to spy on me?
ya sure. it's my fault.
i'm just not LISTENING. i'm not seeing things from YOUR perspective.
and thanks for all the times you stood up against people saying bad things about me. (???) i really feel your support.
the "my daughter treats me like horseshit!" thread in my friends journal really pounds that reality home for me that you are looking our for MY best interests, TOO.
thanks for that.
and thanks for the crazymaking idea that this journal of yours has NOTHING to do with me at all and only to do with YOU, even tho i guess you had to start it again to resolve the drama that i started and you still want me to come in and stop it for you.
ya, wow, that doesn't sound like it's about me at ALL.
ya, you're RIGHT! it's NOT about me.
it's not about me AT ALL. just not in the way you think.
wow. ya, this is ALL has nothing to do with me.
i don't even know where i fit into this picture AT ALL.
where am i????
3:23pm
i have to do SOMETHING with my hair.
and another thing i hate about brown hair on me is that i look more like my
mother with it.
which is a nightmare. because there she is staring back at me through me.
and that is just like some horrible joke.
and i want to cut my hair in a bob , but that is the haircut she usually picks,
too, and that will furtherly gross me out if i make myself look even more
like her.
but she usually doesn't have bangs. so maybe that is something i will do.
and this stress is making me look old and tired, like my mother.
i don't want to be tired and old and crabby like my mother.
i don't want to look like her or turn out like her in any way at all.
and to add further insult to injury jason reminds me how much i am like my
mother.
and ya, i am in some ways i am, both good and bad.
but he is also a heck of a lot like his mother, as well. so there.
all i know is that i must lose 10
pounds and dye my hair red or something or blue or just anything.
have plastic surgery, i don't know.
i will do anything to not look like her.
thank god i have my dad's eyes.
god has, at least, given me that much relief from her.
my skin is breaking out like crazy, too, and i am right on the edge of getting my period which doesn't help matters.
i want to hide in the closet.
2:46pm
i just don't know what to do with
myself today.
i just have a horrible stomache ache and i am so nervous.
it's a beautiful day outside.
i should go out.
but i'm just paralyzed...
1:57pm
i believe that we choose our parents before we are born. that we choose to incarnate with the people we incarnate on this earth with.
for some reason, i have chosen the mother i have. i don't know if it is to learn such fierce independence that i must even live without the support of a mother. or if it is to learn some sort of forgivesness or compassion. i suppose it is all of these things.
i'm TRYING to see the good in this. i'm TRYING to see that i have chosen this for some weird ass reason. and that, in the end, this was all for the best, somehow.
i must have chosen a mother who would push all my buttons and fuck with me so i would become a stronger person?
i don't know.
god, can't i learn from some OTHER way?
when both my mom and i are dead will we have a good laugh about this and then incarnate again for another round of bloody tug of war?
is she really, in some other parallel universe my best ever buddy who have have chosen to fight with me to make me learn a mean kung fu?
or is she just a bad choice i made for a mother? like making a bad choice about roommates. like, woa! i shouldn't have chosen THAT roommate! yikes!" and then you learn to not choose those types of roomates anymore and you move on??
have i just chosen a bad mother?? what the fuck??
or maybe i didn't choose her at all.
may it is all just random and who knows and this is just life.
and she is just this mammal who happened to be the one who gave birth to me
and our society has just instilled in me since day number one that mother
is the most important thing on earth and you will be linked to them forever
onwards on that life?
random mammal who gave birth to me? bad roommate choice? or best friend fu master?
which is it?
will i EVER know?
i could drive myself crazy in asking these questions. just like you can drive yourself crazy wondering what is the meaning of life and if there is a god or not.
finally you just have to drop the questions and just live anyway and live the best life that you can. and just do the best you can.
and that is what i try to do. and
i suppose that is what my mom is trying to do , too.
god only knows.
fuck if i know.
12:58pm
well, my mom wrote me a big email that is just a huge rationalization about why she has to have her lj and why she is not a liar (???). and just blahdiddity blah ditty blah.
she had to go back in because people
were begging her and emailing her to and she HAD to go back to resolve
that big fucking drama that happened there (with these insane immature people..who
then DID resolve the situation by banning her from their journals) and for
which she now BLAMES me for happening in the first
place now (!!!) because i won't go into this entire mess and clear it up for
her. because she announced to these people that she is my mother and they
called her a liar and so now because i won't go make a big announcement to
these insane immature people that indeed she is my mother. so it's ALL
MY FAULT now that people think badly of her. it really is even
more complicated than that. wayyyy more. she happened to befriend a very scary
stalker woman. even talked to her on the telephone. and she had a falling
out with this person who then did what she could to get back at her by telling
my mom things i said that i never said that my mom still believes i said.
she knew the best way to get back at my mom would be to screw up our relationship
further.
she is a master manipulator and she has done a good job.
and this person is a really scary person who is really obsessive and makes
WEBSITES dedicated to those she hates, stalking them on the internet obsessively
forever more. this is a person she sent over to me to befriend me and spy
on me. just what i need MORE of in my life. suffice it to say this
is something i am NOT going t get involved in and this is HER mess. and she
says over and over to me lately "she is a separate person from me and
can do whatever she likes". which is all well and fine and dandy.
then she can also be a separate person and fix this damn drama herself.
but you CAN'T do whatever you want sometimes when you are in a relationship
with someone. compromises have to be made sometimes.
but of course she can do whatever she likes, she just can't do whatever she
likes and still have me around while she does it.
because i am also a separate person who has free will and doesn't have to
put up with this stupid drama.
what she doesn't seem to understand
is that if i make a public fucking announcement to all her lj friends as to
the truth of what is going on and has been going on, she is not going to like
that one little bit.
and this is going to make the drama even bigger. and the fuel will be added
to the fire, and all the trolls and stalkers and haters of me and also her
will dance around feverishly in glee and it'll probably end up in a newsgroup
somewhere as some bizarre story that keeps being distorted year after year
after year and for which i will have to deal with in THAT form ,too, then,
for the rest of my internet life.
and i don't fucking need it!
and she just has no capabilility to separate fact from fiction when it comes to the internet. i mean she even believed i was pregnant and then feeding my child liquor or something because she read it in a newsgroup. and when some person , god only knows who, wrote to her and said they were going to put a hex on her, she believed that i had sent my "minions" over to her to get her off lj. i mean it's absolute insanity.
and the list goes on and on.
following me into my friends journals and making announcements in their journal
" i'm ana voog's mother! and she treats me like horseshit!"
i have copies of all of this. i document all of this. does she really want this entire truth to be known on a huge fucking public webpage?
well, i may just very well give it to her as my little goodbye present because i am just that pissed off.
maybe i should just put it all out there and let the shit fly.
just here mom, here ya go, here's
what you wanted?
have fun now.
ya, it MY FAULT that some
people on lj think she is a crazy liar.
unreal.
and i don't even know what to say. she is in just such denial about this situation or something. i don't even know what to make of it.
but it is clear to me that lj is way more important to her than i am to her.
that is obvious.
and so that is that.
ouch.
and so i start my day off with that.
and i'm sure i will keep getting insane emails from my mother now
and i'll just have t deal with that because she is never ever going to stop.
and, i will just have to try to cope and survive with that somehow.
i'll just have to shut down that email account or something because it doesn't have a filter on it.
and then filter her out of the rest. but she just makes new email accounst when i do that.
i don't know...
something something...
this just goes on and on and on and there seems to be no rest from it and it seems like there never will be any rest from it.
and even after she dies she will probably try to haunt me.