september 5th, 2004
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i emailed this to my mom:

"mom, i just have no words at this point.
you continue to lie to me...and...i just have no words any more about it.
i've said all i can say. i've done all i can do.
but i just cannot continue on in a relationship where i keep being lied to.
i was trying to work on trust. but i can't do that if i'm just lied to constantly.
it breaks my heart and i do not understand how you can rationalize to yourself that it is ok to do the things that you do.
but somehow you do.
i don't understand your processes or reasoning or rationalization that it is ok that you continue to just lie and lie and lie to me.
you tell me one thing and then you do the complete opposite action. it makes no sense to me. it's a complete mindfuck and soulsuck.
but i can't continue on in this way because you have broken my heart for the last time now and it just crazymaking for you to sit and tell me that you say you respect me and value me and then do things which mean the opposite. it's crazymaking. and i can't take any more of it now.
i really can't understand or believe that we were finally talking again, and i was finally trying to work on some trust, and i finally let you in again, and then wham...back to square one.
you tell me you love me, but i'm sorry, i just can't really believe that anymore.
i don't really know what is going on with you or why it is you do what you do.
and i don't think i ever will understand.
but my heart is, once again, completely and utterly broken.
and i think this is the end of the line for me with you now.
i just can't take this anymore."

it was SO hard for me to write that. my heart just HURTS.
this is far worse than breaking up with a boyfriend because you only have one mother. and that is that. and man, it hurts like hell.
but it was either have a mother who makes me feel like i am going completely insane and who makes my self esteem go down the tubes or have a relatively saner life and restore my self esteem and heal.
but i really lose either way. this is just a no win situation.
i didn't ask for much from her. i just asked that she stop insulting me and to have an online journal anywhere on the internet but lj (because she stalks me on lj and has her friends create fake accounts to spy on me and just all sort of bizarre drama ensues that you can't even imagine. it really just goes beyond anything i want to deal with in my life ever again...and if you've read back a few years you can see SOME of what i mean although i've never told the entire story here because it's just so...fucking draining and bizarre). for those of you just tuning in, i know it must seem awfully weird of me to sever all ties with my mom over lj. but it just goes so far beyond that.

what really sucks is that about a year ago, i think , i did actually sever all ties with her and went through the process of grieving that only to have her nonstop email me even tho i threatened to get a restraininig order on her which made me break down and call her at 1am screaming and hyperventilaing and crying at her. i won't reiterate it all here. but long story short, i foolishly let her into my life again where she then repeated the same behaviour, having no regard for my feelings or space or ...just anything.

i just can't be in a relationship with someone who lies to me constantly and breaks their promises to me constantly.
and treats me with so little respect.

i don't know when i'll ever be able to forgive her for this.
btu i know i have to, somehow, for my own sanity.
but i think forgiveness is a far ways away and i can't even imagine what that would feel like.
but i want to know so badly...

*cries*

 

 

7:52pm

my mom finally emails me:

"I am wondering how you are, if you are still mad at me ,and all. I am far from perfect, but you just have to believe that I never have a motive to intentially hurt you or cause you pain. Can you accept me? It would be nice to get an email from you when I get home."

she'd GOT to be kidding or insane. i don't know which.

ya mom, lying to me and starting another lj when you promised you wouldn't for the FOURTH time after i told you that if you did that it would be like putting an ax through my heart is NOT "intentional"...then i just don't even know what "intentional" is.

ya, she is FUCKING INSANE.

god. i don't know what to do or say.

she must think i am truly the biggest idiot on the face of this planet.

 

7:22pm

and hello to the new members!
thank you so much!!

shirt by klaklo

 

7:16pm

it's raining raining raining raining....

the movie "fargo" is on right now. they mostly have the entire minnesota accent all wrong.
it drives me nuts. it's like they are doing hyper cartoon versions of the accent. they don't have it right at all.
there is only one guy in the whole movie who has it right and that is because i think he is actually from minnesota and that is the old man that shovels the snow from a driveway somewhere in the middle of the movie for a few seconds.
the rest of the actors try just wayyyyyy too hard.

god is in the details, my friend.
god is in the details.

 

5:24pm

i forgot how counterintuitive this canon camcorder (z-80) is.
i don't know what the people that designed this thing were thinking.
but i will figure it out , dammit. but i give up for a few hours now.
it makes my brain hurt.
at least i figured out how to do the mirror effect thing again.
which you may being going right now "yay! mirror effect!" or "oh my god no! not the mirror effect!"

also, the image seems a lot blurrier than the last one of these i had. i hope it's just it's because it's dim light or something. but i just don't remember it being so fuzzy as this. maybe it's just the day...this day is fuzzy...

and i hate brown hair on me. if i had a bunch of bleach right now i'd so be bleaching my hair and then dyeing it candy apple red.
so maybe it's good i don't have bleach. arrrrgh.

maybe if i put nees wig on i will feel better.
then i will be a japanese cartoom character again.
and i guess i better finish her hat.
i can actually try it on now that my hair is gone.
i can try on a bunch of hats i couldn't before because my hair was too big.

 

4:42pm

well, there is no such thing as a cheap camcorder, really. so i got the canon one that i had before with the 4 year warranty plan and so that came to $500 which was all the extra money i had. so i have to thank the universe for the abundance that i had the $ to get another camcorder while the other one is being fixed. and it will be a really good thing for ana2 to have 2 cams again. but damn, i just wish i could get AHEAD money-wise, y'know?

maybe some of my hats will sell soon , hopefully :)

things always seem to work out.

but ya, darn good thing for the extra 500 i had, thank you universal benefactor!

so, i am going to plug it in in an second here. i just walked in the door.
it'll take me awhile again to figure out how to get off all the text from the cam, the demo mode, all that.
but i'll figure it all out again eventually :)

i bought some new blueberry flavoured green tea which sounds very interesting. and so i'm going to try some of that and watch this stom just coming through right now...and get this new cam hooked up....

 

 

12:58pm

 

at 2:30pm we are taking the cam in to get fixed again. i will see if there is some cheap camcorder i can buy that i can use while this one gets fixed. then when the fixed one comes back, ana2 will have 2 cams.

i had dreams of many ways to do my hair. i wish i had 2 of me so i could work on my own hair and see the back of my head without a mirror. because i so much am the only person who knows exactly how i want it done. the only other way i could imagine getting it how i want is to buy a mannequin head with real human hair and then cut it and dye it how i want and bring that in to show. and maybe that is what i will have to do.

or maybe i will just keep my promise to myself that i will not dye or cut my hair utnil i am 40. when did i start the promoise? has it been 2 years now?

i still am not happy or comfortable with brown hair and it's completely foreign and alien to me.

i don't understand why my hair is not naturally flourescent pink or something. it makes no sense.

sorry i keep talking about hair but i'm pretty obessed with it, as you know :)

i mean a tattooed my hairdresser's initial on my wrist, for cryin' out loud.

i think i would love to be a hairdresser only if i could do what i want to people's hair.
that's my problem.

but you know, i'd be so damn good. maybe i can find willing victims.

 

12:36pm

i forgot i can wear my wig by nee now. kick ass :)
i think i need lots and lots and lots of wigs