september 4th, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

well, i got my hair all untangled and clean. but i do have some sort of thinnish baldish patches particularily on one side of my head where the dreads just yanked too much hair out. bummer. because it's pretty noticable when i put my hair up, which is why i was growing it out in the first place so i could put it up.

other weird avant garde hair cuts and dye jobs that are not as expensive and time consuming have been swimming through my head for many months now. and i've been standing in front of the bathroom mirror for hours combing my hair this way and that way and trying to imagine how it would be if i cut it into kind of a bob, or a bob with bangs. and i have other more long winded things i want to do to my hair which require a bunch of stuff but i'm still going to be thinking about this for days until i really figure out what it is i want to do.

it has to alway be something that is fairly maintenance free. like, i loathe and despise having a hair do that would require me to curl ir or gel it or blow dry in a certain way. and i like hair styles that look actually BETTER after you've slept on them or been through a hurricane in them, which is why it was such a wonderful revelation to me when punk finally came around and i could rat my hair and just leave it like that.

i may return to ye olde robert smith from the cure haircut.

or i may go for bizarre asymetrical tokyo thing.

i just don't know yet...

or..i may just get dreads again..or...something...

 

 

10:58pm

decided to take all my dreads out and it took hours and hours and hours and hours of tedious work.
but ah, it will be so good to comb my hair out now and get it all super clean.
but oh, so painful and so much more work...

3:34pm

2:06pm

today i'm not doing as well as the other last 2 days.
nothing can make me sink into a hole of seemingly neverending inertia like my mom betraying me...again..and again...and again.
it's just so hard to not think about it. i try and i try. i keep on getting up and just tying to maintain, get through the daily activities. tread water. keep breathing air.
don't fall behind. and i am being pretty much successful in this. and so i pat myself on the back for maintaining.
but damn, is this ever difficult.

put a new sheet on the bed (that she gave me last time i saw her).
put more things in the dryer. eating some cottage cheese just to get something in me.
listening to happy upbeat 80's music. trying not to get too down on myself for not being uber productive.
feeling guilty anyway.

feeling guilty for even writing about this , even tho this is my journal. but i know you're all like *yawn* get over it already.
especially many of the men because so many men have learned that trick of just "not thinking about it" when it comes to emotions. and they can't seem to understand why many of us women do not have, nor particularily WANT a switch that just makes us think about something else and not "work through it" somehow.

i mean, ya, we want that switch SOMEtimes. but i'd rather FEEL and work through things. i think just switching off is the coward's way out, although in some instances i DO think it is the preferable thing to do.

but i get so many emails from men who are like, "i don't GET it! just stop thinking about it! snap out of it!"

and that really grates on my nerves. like not being in 100% CONTROL of ones emotions is some sort of bad and weak thing. like it's somehow abnormal and even stupid.

emotions are the wind in your sails that move you to new places in your life.
without the wind you get no where. it's the very thing that drives us to the places we SHOULD be.

having no emotions would be like sticking your hand in fire and not being able to feel that it burns and so therefore not learning that sticking your hand in fire is not a healthy thing to do.

sadness lets us know that THIS situation is NOT a healthy place to be.
it is the indicator that something is wrong. and it is the impetus to make us move somewhere else that makes us happy and is good for us.

if you just switch off your emotions how can you know what is the healthiest and best place for YOU to be?

like all the people who switch off the emotions about hating their job and so therefore sit with their hands in the fire all day long and pretty soon have burned them right off.

 

1:03pm

it's another very scorching day. and there is slight wind that rattles my windows and haziness in the air.
things feel unsettling.

i wake up every morning very nervous like something awful has happened or there is some sort of awful thing i must do, some heavy burden i cannot bear.

i know as soon as a few hours pass i become stronger and i can bear it. another day of life.
and it helps to have cold cokes in the fridge.

i do my daily "morning routine", check email, check friends list, go through campix, archive old anagram, start new one.
check the news, check in with jason, do the washing of clothes and dishes and myself. take out the garbage.
make new garbage. find something to eat. get dressed maybe.

go out do errands, try to finish things started...hats , cleaning, working through pain, coming up with new ideas,
making connections with people, trying to avoid connections with certain others (like people outside and stupid email from stupid people).

life is so organic and messy. if i don't keep things washed, we could all die from disease. the constant shedding of skin, hair, bodily fluids, sweat, oil, excrement, bits of old food, dust, dirt...

animals are so filthy. we require so much maintenance. constant maintenance.

plants are so much more efficient. they cannot die from their own filth.

but i know once i die i will miss it. the clumsy archaic beauty of eating a peach, a bowl of wheaties.

the smell of old newspapers in the recycling bin, the smell of a newly paved road,
a new shower curtain, having to take a bath, needing water to survive, the compulsion to drink liquids,
applying chapstick, brand new nylons on freshly shaved legs,

the sound of cicadas and mourning doves and construction in the street you can feel in your bones. the vacuum cleaner.

the pure joy and appreciation of feeling well and hungry after the flu.

the sludgelike brutality of actually having to walk on limbs to get from one location to another.
putting on the skin of other dead mammals to protect our soft feet.

the time and effort and waiting and feeding and caring for other animals so we can later eat them, use their skin, or shave off their fur, wash it in solutions and comb it and spin it and tie it into elaborate knots to make fabric.

creating, carving, writing, singing, tranferring images from one continent from another, through sattelite systems, praying to gods, killing another because you are scared of where they prefer to stick their penis.

i don't know. it's so messy.

and so i love to revel in my little perfect balls of yarn
and i unravel them and form elaborate knots with them with a stick until it forms another shape which pleases me.

and then i hope someone else will like it, too, so i can buy more coke for my fridge. and come of up with required digits in my bank so that i can stay in my cube above the earth with my view of an ancient river.