september 3rd, 2004
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god fucking dammit, dogs that are the love of my life WHY do you pee on my new white comforter i JUST WASHED TWO DAYS AGO???

and then i step in your shit 2 seconds later and not realize it until 5 minutes later?

GOD. WHY????

i love you SO MUCH. but fuckin A. PLEASE PLEASE do not do that. because it serves no purpose except to make us ALL upset!! gah!

i try SO HARD to make our lives the best they can be to the best of my ability and i have spent so many hundreds of dollars on new sheets/rugs/comforters....yet still...augh...
and i will still continue because you are SO worth it and you know not what you do but fucking A. if there is the god of dogs or the pet psychic who can please make them stop doing this, i'll pay you a TRILLIAN dollars.

i love my boys and they are priceless and i will pay for a new rug and comforter a month just to have them and they give me so much joy but at 1am when i need to sleep, in a clean bed...just aaaaa! and really i have accepted all the dog hair on everything because there is nothing they can do about that but PEE on my COMFORTER 2 months a year?

aaaa!

yes, i will accept it, but fuck. it; IS well worth their company. but FUCK. just fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

+++

sometime in the middle of the night:

so much i want to say to you that i can't...

7:06pm

i'm off to jason's for a few hours.

4:57pm

it's hard to comprehend that as i sit here in my comfortable apartment, hundreds are dead in russia from attacks and millions are fleeing their homes in florida from the upcoming hurricane.

i'm so fortunate.

3:30pm

it's as hot as a frying pan outside.
i've gone outside so very little lately then when i visit the "ground floor" of my home planet it feels positively alien to me, like some far away long ago dream i had about the way sidewalk cement smells like in the hot august wind.
and all my little cells scream their little primal screams in unison "mother earth!".
and then i try to push that urge away so i can go into my air conditioned comfort box with cherry coke and mp3s.

and i procastinate getting anything done by looking for new bjork wallpaper. and saying "hi" in lj.
and pleasantly watching my inbox as little hi backs are replied to me.
and people ask "how am i?" but i don't reply, because my mom reads my journal and i don't talk about her out there because of that.

and so, for the third day in a row i will now say i will go work on that dang hat.
and i swear to god this time i really will.

1:33pm

i really like bjork's new cd, but it certainly cannot take the place of vespertine.
but how could it? vespertine is some sort of perfection from heaven.
but i'm glad to have a new bjork cd and i'm glad to see her take risks and experiment :)
and i think this cd will grow on me :)

i feel even a little better today from that emotional punch in the stomache i received a few days ago.

i'm still not full steam ahead, but i am not in a stupor. and my heart is not as heavy.

i don't think my mom will leave lj as she is basking too much in her long dramatic goodbyes and the "oh pleeease don't go" replies she gets from people she met 10 minutes ago.

i would really love to get outside today and it would do me a world of good, but it is once again just really super hot out there. i just wilt at temperatures above 80. and it's almost 90.

i have been out of coca cola for days and i do need to go out and get some of that because that is a huge vice of mine, i admit.

i need the carbonated goodness.

i have decided , just now, that medulla is a cd to listen to at night and it does not work as well during the day. it also is a winter or fall album. when it's still summerish...i don't know. it needs to be cold and dark to properly listen to this cd.