september 2nd, 2004

4:52pm

some cds just skip and do not work well in my walkman. so my much anticiptaed bjork bathtub experience had to end.
but i am very clean now.
i will now listen to it on my computer.

this has been the ana update #93948934579345398457947498579845743875

4:14pm

i got bjork's new cd!!! joy of joys!
i'm of to the tub to listen to it in peace in there.

when i bring my cam in to be fixed again. i will try to buy another cmacorder or something so that you will not have to deal with the blurry one while it is being fixed.
and then i will use the 2nd one as another cam so ana2 can have 2 cams again. like one in the bathroom and i can move it in the kitchen, too.

 

3:54pm

and sorry the cam is still blinking out. they should have fixed it in the 1st place!
i hope maybe jason will have some time this weekend to take me back to best buy to get it fixed again.

2:42pm

i don't even understand how after drinking a bottle and 1/2 of wine i feel as fine as i do right now. but hey, good deal.
i just feel a little dizzy. i want to go outside but it's really really hot out there. 90 degrees. super uncomfortable for me.

my mom has announced, dramatically, in her lj that she is now leaving it again because the people who were harrassing her before are harrassing her again. i don't know what she expected especially since she went into all their journals to announce herself as back and then added them as friends, which i thought was rather weird and pathetic of her. trying to be friends with people who dislike you. she just can't let it go. i guess i have tried to be friends with people who disliked me and tried to mend it before. but the way she tries to make up with them is just kind of sad and pathetic and stalkerish. and these people are all just nuts anyway. and i still can't believe that after all they did her (and i) that she would still weirdly miss them, obsess over them, and then try to start all over again with them, and choosing this as more important than mending things with her daughter. to put all we had in jeopardy just to try to make friends with people she barely even knows and don't even seem to be all that smart or even funny of people.

she so much wanted to be the "popular" kid on the lj block and she ended up being the laughingstock and the super uncool one that everyone talked about behind her back. because she is just SO fakey on lj. it's just embarrassing. and the "friendships" she made were just so shallow. she'd just make friends with ANYone just so she could seem cool. i don't know. it's embarrassing and painful to watch. and it's just even more pathetic that she is so insecure that she was willing to hurt me again just to try to get in with this fakey "in" crowd she has illusions about.

i mean, she is just THAT lonely. it's so so sad. and there is nothing i can do to help her with that.
she doesn't know how to connect with anyone in a real way. people with NPD are not able to connect with people in any sort of deep or meaninful way, because there is nothing deep and meaningful in them that they know how to access.

i know she is in a lot of pain. it's like watching a sinking ship.

i don't know...i just don't know...i haven't called her or written her since any of this happened. and i don't think she knows i know she has another lj. but at some level she must know, because we do have that weird inexplicable mother/daughter connection.

anyway, by now, i know she will eventually start another lj, rinse repeat. because it's some sort of compulsion. and it gives her that attention she so craves, even if it's not the kind she wanted.

*sigh*

well, it sure is interesting to watch karma unfold.

and i better finish that hat today for nee.
i didn't want to work on it when i was feeling so negative because then i feel like i am weaving in my negativity into the hat. and i know that sounds new age and fruity but hey, i'm new age and fruity.
i like to crochet in happy thoughts into my hats.

and i think i am capable of a few happy thoughts today :)

 

 

2:09pm

a new day.