september 1st, 2004
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i'm not a vengeful person (ok, yes i am, but i have NEVER done ANYTHING out of revenge as much as i have wanted to...seriously..i at least i have that to my name).

but damn if there are not things i think about that i could do. CREATIVE things to get revenge on people. (my mother, ex-stalkers/boyfriends).

if i just had one OUNCE more of evil in me (and i think that is all it takes), i could be the world's most brilliant serial killer or torturer.

maybe i am nothing in special in this, like i have always thought maybe i was. it really only does take a small nudging , a small ounce of that extra negtivity to turn cookie baking grandma into murderer in for life pleading on local channel 4 "i didn't mean to KILL him, i just meant to HURT him". (this is a true story, i'm NOT making this up).

if i had hitler or bush in my bedroom or the man who tried to rape me in my bedroom do you not think i would peel off their skin inch by inch with a cheese grater and apply salt?

and REVEL in it? maybe that part is only in my fantasies. the revelling part. maybe once i did it and saw their puny little pain, i would throw up and realize what i do to them they do to me. and vice versa. something something blah blah karma.

you think that woman in the military didn't REVEL in pointing to the "terrorists" shrivelled genitals with the thumbs up sign in those polaroids?

i am at once that woman and that man with the shrivelled genitals. i both revel and am repulsed and want to throw up on myself.

but in my mind, if you think that man, even if "innocent" never "revelled" in the "thought" of raping some chick in general, then you are insane. or i am insane. the world IS insane. yes, i KNOW i am generalizing and being unfair. but fuckin' a, i hope there is someone out there who can hear me.

i don't even know what i am talking about.

yes, i do. i have a quadruple PHD is this crap.

fuck.

just WHEN ...when is it going to stop??

if i cannot even trust my own MOTHER, who is not even a MAN, to not turn against me and call me a whore and say i promote rape and that my breasts are grotesque and then say she loves and respects me and sees my pain and then does the symbolic gesture of a giant hot poker up my ass (with EXTREME GLEE) then WHO can i fucking trust?

THAT, my friends, is my bottle of wine rampage from the depths of hell.

and i'm sure there will be more to come.

oh, excuse me, CUM.

humping of the camera to CUM at a later date (i'm such a tease.)
(it was requested of me that i do this today by a (goodnaturedly) member)

i don't think i'll ever resolve these "issues" in this lifetime, if EVER. but i'll be damned if i won't try or at LEAST go on a tirade about them every so often, especially after a bottle of wine.

and please, don't tell me that humping my camera will up my memberships ESPECIALLY on the day my mother rejects me yet again at the very core of my being. 'cause goddamit. i'm "sensitive. and i'll kick yer ass"
(in the most loving and politically correct way, i will.)

i know, like a child of the narcissistic, that i am expecting from you that you read every journal enrty and understand it to it's every core and essence before you email me, and that is a lot to ask. and so,

if you can follow my logic here, i forgive you and forgive myself, but goddamn, hump the camera?

*all the men in the audience say....hey...ho....yo...."
and smile each other that knowing smile.

ya, i know...i watch tv. humping=good times.

i try to accept, but like the wife in "everybody loves raymond" i am going to go on a tirade.

(lord has to come to THIS? yes, it has...and god i am going to be hurtin' tomorrow)

back to revenge for which this entry was started and was to be about...long story short....
i have weapons. weapons of mass destruction (ooo, i get a hard on just saying those words...but i do kid) that i could use against my mother on her newest burst of fucktardedness that i would LOVE to use. oh man, i could go to TOWN. how she has pleaded to me to tell her "friends" that i am her daughter and to tell the "the truth" about how i am her daughter and she has been "wronged" by these "friends". oh man, i could let the WMD FLY , fly their most graceful truthful glorious fly they have ever flown (imo). mother , be so careful what you wish for.
BE SO FUCKING CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

but you know what, mom?
i AM smarter than you are.
i WILL let you have your little "day in the sun".
and i don't know if this is any "purer" a motive, and perhaps it isn't...
but when we are both dead, and every one is dead. the truth SHALL be known. oh it will be known so fucking hugely.

this stupid ass entry i am making right now will be so INSIGNIFICANT in the "afterlife".

so stupidly insignificant. i would tell it to you, mom, right now but you would laugh in my face and tell me i was a psycho.

so....

i will wait for 50 or 80 or 100 years for us to laugh at how STUPID this is now.

it's TOO BAD. that you fucking selfish cuntness has to get in the way of us being friends now. and it's too bad that my own not wanting to let you know of your stupid cuntness NOW because i know you will not listen will stop us from ever being friends in this life even tho you have been a bitch to me.

and you know what REALLY sucks? is that i am calling my mother a cunt.

because i lambasted jason in the beginning of our relationship for calling women cunts when i 1st met him. i told him it hurt me. and he would not stop and said some women WERE cunts and so therefore he would not stop. and so therefore rather than beat him i joined him.

(and some women ARE "cunts")

although i agree with him in some weird mysogynistic way, that words are perfect for certain types of people and the word CUNT does bring with it some sort of dirty seething infestuous gash of filth that no other word can convey except pussing sore) i do still agree we should stop calling people cunts.

people (and jason): therefore say we should stop saying the word "dick". and i agree. even tho the word dick has NEVER meant "cunt" or "bitch" and no one (as far as i know) has ever named there daughter or son "cunt" or "bitch".

and so, from this day forth. i shall NEVER call anyone a cunt or a dick ever again. because no one's genitals should ever be shamed even tho it's tho women's gentials who most often are.

i am (not) sorry that this causes several million people an inconvenience by switching to or making up a new word that does NOT involve putting down another's genitals. because i think we have ALL had enough of that.

and although cunt "just a word", and i truly do understand that some people ARE "cunts" and there is no other word to take the place of it....i DO think it's high time we do come up with a new word. as much as i hate and loathe a despise what my mother has done, i know that the entire feminine population of earth deserves better than to have their gentials turned aginst them in shame.

i am not beimg as fluid in english i wish to be, i hope my meaning will not be lost).

 

11:26pm

i think i will watch stalker again. it is by Andrei Rublev who made the original "solaris"
but then, on PBS there is a documentary on tunnels.
so many choices...which to choose?
( i kid i kid...both are excellent choices for a weirdo like me and i am on my 3rd glass of wine).

i am told by a friend of mine that if i humped my camera more often i would have more memberships.
i kid him for saying that.... i psychically smack him across the head in hopes that the blood will return to his brain.
i am in my own surreal episode of "strangers with candy"

but seriously, kidding aside, wtf? of course if i humped my camera i would have more memberships.
but what many men don't seem to realize is this:

if i did that, like the butterfly affect, the ice shelf would melt at an even more alarming rate and we would all die by the year 2008, just short of the mayan prophecy by the coming ice age.

and so, thank me by INCREASING memberships to ana2 for making your lives 4 years longer (or punish me accordingly).

but i cannot live with that karma on my head of the entire death of the earth 4 years prematurely, and so, you will have to be happy with naked me in the bathtub with amputated dolls instead of uncomfortable "sex" with my camera, or with the every shy "jason" (who knows if he is "real"?).

thank you for your appreciatian and compliance.

"shop as usual.

and avoid panic buying."

---negativland

7:41pm

i'm watching the movie "stalker" with the subtitles off.
it's so beautiful this way. the cinematography, the language (russian?).
it's such an ambient film.

5:28pm

 

i'm sorry i'm being such a bummer.
i can't help it.

i sure i wish i had my copy of bjork's medulla right now.
although i'm glad i can't listen to it now so it can never remind me of this day.

4:58pm

i feel so small and powerless.
i'm noticing i'm not even taking in much air, my breathing is so shallow is almost like i feel i don't even deserve to take in space let alone take up space.
and that i am being crushed by the illusion that i am powerless and i am nothing.

i realize this is an illusion. i realize i am creating this reality right now.
i realize i could choose to react in a powerful way to this situation rather from a place where i have the illusion of no power. no connection. no connection to the universe or to anything. i have unplugged.
but yet, here i am, as small as a pea. a pea under a rock under a semi truck full of black tar and shit underneath an ocean of sorrow on a planet that i don't even know the name of and have never even seen the surface of.

i need to reclaim my power. and i know i will do it eventaully. but right now now, it's so hard to even to remember to breathe or to blink.

i hate her for being such a liar.
i hate her for projecting her own illusion of powerlessness onto me.
and i hate myself for letting her do it to me time and time again.

i hate that i opened myself up again and tried to trust again and let her braid my hair.

her lack of self esteem is so sad to me. i will not let her hurl it onto me and make me feel like i am the one who is her.. i am not her.

confusion.

 

4:04pm

i'm just kind of in a stupor.
a stupor that is simmering and stewing and churning.
and i know not what to make of it all.

i really don't know how to respond to my mother, if i should respond at all.

i'm just in shock. but at the same time i'm not shocked.
it's hard for me to find the words.

 

3:37pm

ya, my mom started a new lj. i knew it.
it wasn't hard to find. in fact, she even had another one before this new one, but she deleted it.
god only knows how many fucking journals she's had now.
she's had at least 7.

it was so easy to find that i think she must have wanted me to find it.
but no, she isn't sabatoging our relationship, she says. and no, she doesn't have an addiction, she says.
and of COURSE i mean more to her than lj, she says.

she told me yesterday that i meant more to her than a thousand mega ljs. what a liar.
she told me she would not start another lj because she "loved and cared about my feelings". she says she "values me and respects me".

she guilts me out all the time about why i still don't trust her.
why can't i just forgive her, she pleads?
well, mom, because you keep lying to me. over and over and over and over and over.

liar liar liar.

selfish selfish selfish fucked up woman.

i don't even know what more to say.

i don't even know if i will write to her and tell her any of this.
i'm not sure what to do.

i have no words.