august 31st, 2004
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10:25pm

people in ana2 who are paralyzed:
i know it's a sensitive subject for which i have no idea what one would say about it, since i am not paralyzed.
but i know there are at least 3 of you who are paralyzed who belong to ana2. i ask of you that when and IF you are every ready to contact my dear friend kat (lj user raggedyrobot)
at bionicgurl@hotmail.com to contact her because she has some questions for you regarding the whole paralyzed situation, which i know is a unique situation for everyone, but she is just trying to glean info from all angles on it all since her boyfriend/fiance has become paralyzed from the neck down and she is having a hard time finding books on it at the library and such. so any info you might have on this subject, no matter how small, it would be useful to her.

 

thank you so much.

 

6:24pm

i do not know how to work out this anger i have with my mother. when she does this to me i am just wound up for hours or days or weeks. i hope for this time it is only hours. but i cannot come up wit the magic bullet that makes it go away instantly. and i fucking hate it. i don't want this anger in me. i don't want it in me. how do i get rid of it? how?
i hear all about forgiveness but i just know nothing of it right now. that word is meaningless to me as if you were speaking swahili.
all i know is that eventually, with time, it sort of fades away again into the not so distant distance. and meanwhile all i can do is carry on with my day and try to be productive as i can. and try to breathe. and take a xanax. or have a drink. or watch a movie, or do all three. i know that cutting sure doesn't work.

and i'm not a manipulative person but goddamit i certainly do feel like sending her that photo of my arm right now and saying to her, " will THIS make my pain more real to you??? will THIS do it??? is THIS what it will take for you to see and recognize my pain as real????"

but i won't because i am not a manipulative person and i believe manipulation is really bad karma. so that is definitely not the way to go about things. but goddamit that is really what i feel like doing right now because i am just so angry and i just don't know how t get her to stop hurting me.

and i can't get her to stop. because i do not control her. there is nothing i can do about it. there is nothing i can do but just figure out constructive ways to alleviate and deal with my pain. and i just don't know how sometimes. sometimes i just don't know what to do with all of this anger in me.

 

5:55pm

when i am furious and anxious, it seems the only thing i can really get done is wind my yarn into balls. so that is what i have been doing. winding winding winding. and i only have one left to wind and then everything will have been wound.
i know it sounds weird to say but i love to make yarn into little perfect spheres of fuzziness.
it is a symbol for me of everything because whole and complete and even and perfect and happy.

but i need to take a bath soon and get to jason's.
but i am not in a socila mood whatsoever.
i hope i can snap into some semblance of sociability whithin the next 1/2 an hour.

4:35pm

i managed to clean more anyway. take my frustration out by cleaning. crochet is too nimble a task to do when really really angry. i wish i had some wood to chop. or a wall to sledgehammer down. sometimes i really love a punching bag and some boxing gloves. maybe someday if i ever get a house.
managed to sort of vacuum. sort of vacuuming is better than not vacuuming at all.
there is still a nice breeze. fresh air moving through my house helps move the negativity out.
maybe i should burn a bunch of frankincense to purify.
also i need to take a bath but i'm still too hyper to lay still.
2 hours before friends arrive to jason's to watch movies. i hope to be calm by then.
we are going to watch "jump tomorrow" which i have already seen.
i'm glad we are going to watch a happy movie because last time it was robert altman's "3 women", which was good but mighty depressing.
*BIG DEEP SIGH AND BIG DEEP BREATH"

 

4:09pm

well, fuck cleaning now. i am going to work on this hat for nee a bit more.
i really must finish this hat and get it out to her.
my mom left a message on my machine that sounded like she was really worried.
like hell i'm calling her back.

3:56pm

the wind out of my sails

i don't know what it is with my mom that makes her think she can just keep asking me if she can have another lj. i keep telling her to NEVER ever ask me that question again. i mean fuck. WTF??? unbelievable. i just fucking know she has another lj out there somewhere. i fucking know her and i know she does. my god. what the fuck is her problem? i replied to her:

"mom,
how many times do i have to ask of you to NEVER ask me that question EVER again?
how many more times?
a hundred more times?
are you just going to keep asking me that question every single month until i die?
when i say to you to never ask me that question ever again, what do you think that means?
do you think it means ask me it again? ask it of me again in one month or 2 months or even 1 year?
no, it means to NEVER ask me that question EVER again.
EVER.
do you understand that?
how many times have we now had this exact same conversation?
how many times? do you remember?
do you remember at all how many times i have told you to NEVER ask me that question EVER again??
and what does that mean to you?
what do you think i mean by that?
do you think it means i want you to ask me again?
what is going through your mind?
what sort of brain process is happening with you that you think that if i tell you to never ask me that question ever again you think that means that you should ask me again a little while later? do you think i'm just joking around?
do you think i'm not serious? do you listen and understand when i tell you this causes me pain every time you do this? have you any comprehension of that at all? because i tell you this causes me pain every time you do this. yet you keep doing it. WHY??
huh?
what's going on with that? why do you do this???
when you i tell you in no uncertain terms that it will NEVER be ok for you to have a lj account for as long as you live. what do you think i mean by that?
do you think that means that next month i'll be ok with it? i mean, really, mom, seriously.
what does that means to you?
how is it that i am not getting my point across to you? and how on earth can i get it across to you?
do you have some sort of compulsion or addiction? are you not able to stop asking that question of me?
what is going on with you that you would continue this behaviour?
help me to understand because i am really not understanding why you are having such difficulty in grasping what i am saying to you time and time again.
how can i say it to you so that you will understand? what is going on with you?
i'm not understanding why you continue to do this to me. i don't understand.

when i tell you that if you start another lj that it will be like stabbing me in the heart what do you think i mean by that?
when i tell you that even asking me the question again is like stabbing me in the heart what do you think i mean by that?
do you think i'm joking? what is going on in your mind? what are you hearing when you read those words?
seriously, what does that mean to you? do you think i'm just being melodramatic and that means that you should ask me in another month and see if i feel any differently?

just when we are starting to get along and i feel safe to call you, you go and do this to me again.
why are you sabatoging our relationship like this when we were just starting to talk again?
what kind of thought process are you going through where you are rationalizing to yourself that it is now ok to do this to me again?
why do you continue to jeapordize the little happiness we finally have between us after all these years by continuing this behaviour?

this is like some weird addiction for you that i cannot comprehend.
an addiction that has so much power over you that you are willing to jeapordize the relationship you have with me over and over and over again.
you are willing to risk all of it and throw it down the toilet time and time again.

and you continue to choose to hurt me over and over and over again by bringing this up, like some sort of compulsion.

i can only conclude that this is some sort of compulsion or addiction you have that you have no control over.
because i can't , for the life of me, believe you are actually rationally CHOOSING this behaviour.

you say you don't WANT to hurt me. you tell me that you are truly SORRY. yet you continue on with this behaviour. so what more can i conclude from all of this than but to think you have some sort of addiction or compulsion beyond your control?

what is this about mom? please help me to understand why you keep doing this over and over again. because i'm at my wits end over it and i cannot grasp why you do this to me over and over again. what is going on with you? do you have any theories?

is it an addiction or a compulsion?
are you just that selfish?
do you think so little of me that when i tell you that certain behaviour you do hurts me deeply you simply don't care much?
do you think so little of me that you just don't believe what i say?
are you just not listening to me?
is there something wrong with the way i am communicating with you that you cannot understand what i am saying?
is my language hard to understand?
am i doing something wrong?

what is it? can you please explain this to me? because i don't understand why you keep doing this."

 

3:03pm

it's taking everything in me to just keep on going with cleaning.
i want to lay on the floor and sigh and go "ok, now i give up for today"
but i just force myself to do one more thing and then one more thing and then one more thing...
and that is how i am doing it even if it is just picking one tiny thing off the floor and putting it back to whereever it belongs.
i just hope i can get most things off my floor so that i can vacuum. because having a vacuumned floor will make me happiest of all.
i know this is a boring as hell entry. and i know by writing this i am just procrastining on cleaning, and so...must..stop...typing about boring boring stuff.
off i go again...

there is a nice breeze coming through my window today.

12:42pm

 

i've just been a fog lately. yet also having to be social, and somehow i am able to become social when it is required of me, but then i return home exhausted and drained. yesterday all i could do is just lay in bed with the covers pulled tightly around me and just watch tv. that seemed to do me some good because i do feel a bit more centered today. i couldn't even crochet yesterday. i could do absolutely nothing. i don't think i even brushed my teeth.

my house is in quite a disarray and i need to pull what energy i can from myself today and at least do the minimum required cleaning because the messier my house gets the less energy i have and i cannot let it be like a run away freight train on me. i don't know how people with whole families manage to stay on top of things, just in the cleaning department.

i have to get back in the mode of getting rid of things so i have less and less to clean and pick up and deal with.
maybe i will even get it down to that i have only 1 plate and one fork and one spoon and one outfit.

bjork's new cd is out right now but i still have to wait to wait for amazon to send it to me. i need it right now!
oh, it hurts it hurts that other people are discussing what it sounds like and i cannot join in the conversations!

thank god that today is a sunny day and this gives me fuel to clean a bit. so i am going to stop here and get to cleaning.
because i know once my house is a bit cleaner this will help me get even more energy to do all the other things i need to do.

and tonight is tuesday movie night at jason's.
so i must get social again.
but i can do it since i had my day of complete zombieville yesterday.