today's anagram

august 24th, 2004
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4:47pm

made it to the store and got some food. i need some food in me.
lots of construction workers out there working on the streets and sidewalks and i could feel all their eyes on me.
and the eyes of everyone else on the city buses, etc etc.
somedays i can not let it bother me. sometimes i can even revel in it and bounce it back to them like a good game of volleyball.
but today i just kept my eyes on the ground and waded through it like a room full of flies.

but i'm back now in the safety of my little room and i'm nuking a mexican tv dinner and drinking a C2.
watching a repeat of oprah about people who feel they are in the wrong body.

and i feel a tiny bit more of energy now for which i am grateful for.

i had such a telling dream last night where the authorities in school came to take any weapons and sharp objects away from me. and i handed over a pile of scissors, but then had second thoughts over handing over the 1 pair that means the most to me (i used to collect scissors and they were a huge personal symbol for me of creation/destruction and how those 2 paths intersect). it is the scissors that are on the cover of my album "cake and eat it" which are my dearest pair. and i thought that by getting rid of ALL my scissors i would be giving up too much of myself. and so i searched through the pile to retrieve that pair but couldn't find them :(

i was so glad when i awaoke to know it was just a dream and i still had my scissors.

maybe my next tattoo will be a pair of scissors.

4:01pm

i don't even understand how i got those pictures taken. i never know when i will be creative. just when i think there is nothing left in me, i pop out twins. and then today, thinking i'm back on track, i'm right back to being exhausted and unmotivated again. just moving through this day minute by minute as if trying to breathe through syrup.
trying to get this hat done for nee who made the wig.
must. finish. hat.
it's just that as soon as something is required of me, and it has to be something really specific so there is no room for error, or no room for me to take that error and flip it into something new, it just shuts me down. power off.

and i'm so massively irritated with people today. like one of my most hated things is when some guy tells me how he would prefer my body. like telling me i should shave my pussy. that aggravates the living crap out of me. i don't know where men get off thinking they have the right to express their opinion on that matter to a woman. i mean, just fuck off. really. if i wanted to shave it, i'd shave it.

and another guy was trying to be helpful by telling me that i'd be able to focus my camera if i used the focus ring. hello? does he think i'm THAT stupid as to not know that? my god.

and then some other email saying "yoyoyo you crazy bitch nice tits you are crazy and hmm cute!"
except i am actually spelling things correctly there. i don't know what that guy was high on. i wrote him back and told him that it's not cool to call women bitches. fuck, i hate that shit. so i banned him from my list and blocked his emails. i don't even care to hear his response.

and then some other little things that have me irked. augh.

i need to motivate myself to get to the store because i am having major coca cola withdrawal.

tonight is tuesday movie night at jason's but so far only one of his friends can come.

my arm is healing pretty fast. it just looks like a cat went crazy on my arm. light red lines. but still i wouldn't go out in public without covering it up. it's weird going out into public with things like that on my body. it's like i'm hiding this intense dark secret that is just inches away from everyone.

smiling and acting like everything is ok. and everything IS ok, mostly, but...you know what i mean. it's hard to put into words.