august 20th, 2004
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11:05pm

i hope everything is "mostly" ok for the planet. the last and only time i felt this intense was 2 days before 9-11.

10:45pm

i put these pix up the other day then deleted them 2 minutes later.
now i put them up again because i showed jason. i wanted him to see it 1st..and you know me, i document everything. i'm not trying to be overly dramatic. i hope you know that.
anyway....it's not as bad as it looks...but in a way it is...but in a way it's not.
hard to explain. but there you have it.
and it's over now...and so...move on....
and at the same time, i don't mean to undermine myself, but, i guess,i am...i can see that, too. it's confusing.

funny how quiet things get in the face of some types of pain.
not a judgement nor criticism...just an observation..a fact.
and i understand. it's ok.

 

 

6:00pm

i'm going to jason's for a bit to watch a movie.
i can't wait until my camcorder is fixed.
and i'm sure you are all thrilled watching me crochet or sleep on a blurry cam. yay.
i've been crocheting this frilly collar thing. i'm trying to make it like an elizabethan collar, but i think it'll end up a bit different than that. i have no idea. i've never tried to make one before.
i wish i could feel normal, get back to normal...
i've missed so many really beautiful days outside.
but i don't need to beat myself up about that, too. blarg.
i wish my brain would just shut up.

12:30pm

well, i feel really stupid, foolish, and ashamed, and embarrasssed to the extreme the last few days.
like some sort of wallowing overly dramatic goth girl, i cut myself on purpose....thinking this would somehow ease some of the pain and anxiety i have been feeling. i've heard from cutters that it calms them down and grounds them and centers them. and that it helps to make the pain they feel on the inside be more real and "have a name" by seeing it on the outside. so, i thought i'd give it a try and see if that would actually work.

well, it didn't. it didn't help at all. now i just feel like an absolute idiot. and i have cut marks on my arm that i now have to look at for a month so i can be reminded of what a dumb thing that was.
and it wasn't a suicide attempt or anything like that.

i feel so embarrassed and ashamed and i will never do that again.

i guess i just have to forgive myself for doing it. i just have to chalk it up as a learning experience and now i know it does not good. now i know better. but i still feel like a freak. like an absolute freak.

and i haven't forgiven myself for it yet.

anyway.

for those of you who do not cut or who have never thought of cutting, you are just going to think i am a complete weirdo freak who should be put in a psych ward in a straight jacket. oh well. and for those that do, i suppose you will understand somewhat of what i am trying to say.

anyway. don't worry about me. i'm ok now. everything is ok.
it was a temporary late night freak out session from hell and now i know that next time i feel that way it would be much wiser and helpful for me to just have a good cry or hit my pillow or something.

i'm glad the weather is cooler because now i have to wear long sleeves for a month.

anyway...live and learn. fuck.

*sigh*

so...i just don't feel like typing much and i haven't taken many photos because i have just been inside my head trying to heal myself and get over this deep shame i feel.