august 9th, 2004
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i'm too tired to separate through these and edit them down to several of the best ones. so i am just putting them all up to make it easy on myself so i can get to sleep. they look all pretty all together anyway in their colourful textural little squares.

 

9:12pm

i received a weird request today. this person said they do fashion and they'd like to collaborate on hats with me. or something. i go to their site and it's all silk screened t shirts. i write back and say "you want to silk screen on my hats?" (which wouldn't work), and they were like, no, i was thinking maybe you could hand embroider our design or something on your hats. they say "i'd like to "develop" about 6 of your hats for out line" and this person then told me the hats he would like to "develop" : the masterpiece hat, pumpkin jellyfish, the dutch future, new years hat, space bird, and angora and pearl. i'm like...are you aware that the masterpiece hat took me 60 hours to make at least and i sold it for 600 bucks? and the others take me somewhere between 20 or 30 hours to make and they are one of a kind hats that were not made from a pattern and they cannot be replicated and they contain in them one of a kind yarn that i will never be able to get again? and are you prepared to pay me prices between 200 and 600 bucks for these hats?

of course i heard nothing back.

but what are people THINKING?? i can just make like 20 "masterpiece" hats and whip them out and then "collaborate" with them by ME hand embroidering their design on MY hats? are they INSANE???
how is that collaboration?

sorry had to get that off my chest....back to crocheting i go...

okokok, the BRIGHT side. i want to stop being so negative today. argh!
the bright side is, someone liked my hats enough to want to have them in their fashion line. that is nice. and who knows, maybe they WILL pay me that much for my hats. maybe they will get back to me and come up wit a plan that sounds good to me. maybe they will make us both a million bucks.

 

 

7:04pm

crocheting crocheting crocheting...

told my dad and his congregation to pray for dan and kat.

4:15pm

well, my camcorder is just breaking down every 5 minutes and i can't keep getting up every 5 minutes to turn it off and then back on again.
so i am switching to the only back up cam i have, the blurry one.
i'm sorry.
i'll get the other camcorder fixed asap.
if it's not one thing, it's another.

*sigh*

i'm TRYING to get in a good mood. i really am.
i'm trying to look at the bright side of things. the bright side is, i have a back up camcorder, even if it's blurry, and i did pay extra for a warranty on that other camcorder. so...that is a good thing.

 

3:55pm

my camcorder is breaking more and more. it fades to black or has black lines on it. then i have to go turn it off and then back on again and then it works for a little while longer. i'll try to get that in to get fixed soon. and i'll try to stay on top of noticing when it fritzs out like that.

1:52pm

i will shift myself out of this negative mood.
it does no one any good, most especially me, to sit here and wallow or sulk or be bitter, sad, or angry.
i let it all go....

sent kat/dan a donation. i'll get together some other little prezzies for he, too. she needs yarn to crochet while at the hospital.

today i will make this a good day. i will get a lot done. i will crochet my butt of to finish these things for the show tomorrow. i will listen to happy music and eat happy food.

i will be productive and send positive energy out into the universe.

 

1:40pm

please help dan

so raggedyrobot's boyfriend dan, broke his neck dirtbiking yesterday and they say he will not be able to walk again or have the use of any of his limbs. :( and he has no insurance. and so....please donate to help with his medical costs and the equipment he will need to live his life, or send a card and positive thoughts:

from kat (raggedyrobot):

"you can send cards to dan:

dan-
1032 kings road
victoria b.c canada
v8t 1x1

i will make sure he gets them.

if you'd like to donate anything our paypal is bionicbid@hotmail.com
he is going to need so many big equipment. and had no insurance.
anything- even just positive thoughts can help us right now."

1:01pm

woke up all nervous as i usually do. had that feeling something was wrong for a few seconds and then remembered what happened to kat's dan. wow. i am just blown away by it. i can't wrap my head around it. and she is being so strong. she is amazing.

+++

wrote to the guy about my canon camera and told him to send it back to me. i just hope he sends it back to me and ALL it accessories that came with it in the same condition as i sent it to him. i hope he didn't screw up something with any of it. *sigh* that camera has cost me so much time and energy to sell. unreal. but that is life. and that is small potatoes to the things in life that are truly hellish and harrowing and challenging. my i still i am exhasperated and bummed about it anyway.

but you know, i will just sell it again, to someone who will actually LOVE it. because i want someone to have it who truly loves it because it IS a special camera. it really is. and with all of those accessories with it, all vintage , too. man, it's a PRIZE. it is a TREASURE.

it a camera with a beautiful story that was owned by an amazing woman. and i told him that and he was like " wow, what an amazing woman, using this camera will be more of a spiritual experience for me now". what a fricking line of bullshit. he just better return it all back to me in the condition i sent it in. he better not forget something or have wrecked something.

argh. i am being really pessimistic here. i'm sorry. it just really sucks.

but i know in the grand scheme of things, it is not a big deal.

+++

today is my last day to crochet my things for the show. the show is tomorrow. i'm trying not to be nervous about it, but i am.

i know it will be fine. but i am a bundle of nerves in a big way.

 

2:10am

i have such a fortunate good life. i have my body, i can see and hear and taste. i am not in any physical pain.
i have good health. i'm sane. i am easily amused. i'm rarely bored.
i'm talented. i've tasted many fine foods. i live in a great neighbourhood. i had a pretty wonderful childhood.
i have a wonderful apartment. i have good friends. i have a loving boyfriend. i have my doglets.
i am smart and good looking and resilient and inventive. i have many options open to me.
i'm not starving. i eat well. i can take a bath in clean water any time i want to. i have a washing machine and dishwasher and a computer. i live like a king. i have a king sized bed.
i live in the united states. i have nice clothes. i can read and write and create. and i am aware of the oneness of all things and the mystery of the universe. i am an optimist.
man, i have such a good life. i am so fortunate. i am so lucky and blessed.
thank you universe for all my infinite blessings.

12:11am

and you know, after i write that i am ashamed for even thinking that is a big deal (my camera). my god. let him have his money back

kat just wrote in her journal that dan, her boyfriend, the man she is going to marry, broke his neck today and is now a quadrapalegic. i mean fuck. HOW FAIR IS THAT?????

kat is just now FINALLY finding her way in life after surviving a car crash which left her without an arm and a leg and with nightmares and therapy and post traumatic syndrome from seeing and hearing and smelling her 2 friends burned alive and exploded in that car seconds after she was saved from it. and dan was by her side the whole time in the hospital as she was in and out of consciousness and had numerous skin grafts and god, you know, there are no words to describe the pain she has gone through not to mention the pain before the accident from her fucked up family who was violent to her and ...just a whole long story from more than hell and fuck she is such a survivor.

and things were FINALLY looking up for her. and she was finally making the way out of that, and loving dan who loves her so much and who is such an active person building boats and sailing them and a million activities..,.adventure is his LIFE.

and then he BREAKS HIS NECK?????????????

i mean WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL IS THAT ABOUT???????????????????

ok, i seriously have NO FUCKING WORDS FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.

i have to go cry. this is just ...beyond....beyond everything.................................................