august 8th, 2004

11:43pm

today has been such a shitty day. not as shitty as kat's day, by any means. not even close by a long shot.
but i come home to find this email from the guy who bought my vintage canon camera because the initials which my aunt put there ( which i said in the description are there) are upsetting to this guy because i said the initials are very small and he thinks they are too big. this is a matter of opinion.
i sold the camera AS IS. i took photos of it from EVERY ANGLE. i did nothing to decieve anyone. you could see it from all angles. and i sold it as is! AUGH! but he wants his money back because he thinks the initials engraved in it are too big for his tastes. WTF??????????????
and i told him the story of my aunt who owned it and he told me that using the camera would now be more a a "spiritual experience" for him to use it now , now that he knows her story and what a cool lady she was.

what BULLSHIT. i have almost been in tears all day. it has taken all my strength to not just break down and sob.
but this...this just takes the cake.

not only that but this camera goes for $350 bucks or more and i sold it to him for $290 with SO MANY VINTAGE ACCESSORIES WITH IT that it is is insane! it was a BARGAIN of all bargains! he's not just getting a camera. he's getting this giant bunch of acessories with it! and he knows damn well what those initials looked like, i put PHOTOS of them with the sale.

GOD.

what do i DO? what are my rights??? is it worth it to stand my ground on this????
i can't believe he is doing this to me after saying what a spiritual experience it would be for him to use this camera from this cool wonderful aunt of mine.

do i even WANT him to have this camera??? i really wanted someone to have it who would LOVE it.
THIS is why it is so hard for me to get rid of things. no one loves these things like i do.
they just end up in the hands of people who don't even deserve these beautiful treasures i have. this wonderful camera that is like a CREATURE of kindness and history. a camera which has been all over the world with such GOOD VIBES to it.

is this guy just trying to scam me?

how do i know that if i said, sure return the camera to me, that it would be returned to me the the condition i sent it in???

not only THAT, but i added to his package all kinds of extra treasures!
books and jewelry and cool little things just for fun, y'know? AND DOES HE EVEN SAY , HEY THANKS FOR THE EXTRA LITTLE TREASURES? (oops caps lock) no...he doesn't even mention it.

he seemed like such a cool guy. i was so happy he bought my camera.

and now what, i'm out over $290 bucks now? what should i do???

I AM SO BUMMED OUT!!!!!!!!!

he payed me by paypal. can he have my paypal shut down now? do i have no rights?

this sucks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i want to cry and cry......

7:20pm
still no news on kat's boyfriend. *big heavy neurotic sigh*

yesterady was my 20th high school reunion. i totally forgot. i kind of wanted to go but don't know how i would've gotten there.
i've never been to any of my high school reunions. i never even once went to a high school dance...or prom...or even graduated, for that matter.

4:04pm

everything is ok.
everything is ok.
everything is ok.
everything is ok.
everything is ok.
everything is ok.
everything is ok.
everything is ok.

*rocks back and forth*

ambient music playing...trying to keep on crocheting...thank god for xanax from india.

3:39pm

god, i was nervous anyway and now i am about to jump out of my skin from the anxiety.
i feel like i could cry. i don't even know dan, but my heart just aches for kat who already has so much trauma in her life. i almost feel like i am in the hospital with her soaking in the anxiety and the sadness, it's weird.
like i am somehow plugged in to it all, feeling it all over here, i'm just beside myself with worry.
and that certainly cannot be helping matters. i need to ground and center myself so i can send them THAT energy not just add to the anxiety and sadness. but i'm having a hard time switching vibrations because i was already nervous anyway. i'm a bundle of raw nerves and emotion. i can't stand for any more bad things to happen to kat. i just can't. everything just HAS to work out in the end and be ok!

god, this really sucks. please god, be with dan and kat and everyone and hold them all in your arms of grace and love and healing and compassion and hold them safe. amen.

3:17pm

please pray


please pray for my friend's boyfriend, dan, who was just in a serious accident. we don't know any of the details of the accident yet because he hasn't been able to speak yet :(

2:29pm

i was so nervous about rehearsal because i was so scared we wouldn't get enough time to practice.
and i was tight we got only 5 minutes! it was totally fucked and i am irritated that i was railroaded and dismissed like that to not get enough time.

and things were running late, of course. which means that the people before me got LOTS of time. and we, we just get 5 bloody minutes. god, it is SO irritating.

at least we got to work a FEW things out. so it, was not just for nothing. but man, just so freaking highly irritating.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

it'll all be fine. but everytime i see neille , that choregrapher it takes me a couple hours to wind down from my massive irritation with her.

and she always says she wants to help you with YOUR vision. but she doesn't mean that at all.
she just tries to make it all her way and flat out tells me she doesn't like my ideas. well, fuck you neille, it's MY show not yours. but she did a have a few good ideas that we will use. i try to be SO nice to her.
but she always makes me feel dismissed and unimportant. and i freaking HATE that.

people like that really grate on my soul.

it's amazing how much work and irritation i go through just to be on stage for 3 minutes.

but it will be fine i am just in high irritation mode at this moment and i'm trying to calm down.

i am SO GLAD that i chose to have no models and just have a mannequin be my model. that takes no much stress off of me. THANK GOD.

i need to go listen to ambient music now and calm down and get to crocheting.

and i need to spray paint the mannequin silver and also make a silver box for my hats.

oh my god, i could just punch that woman.