august 5th, 2004

7:06pm

ok, i am on the upward swing again from that little negative downward spiral i took there.
listening to radio dismuke helps :)
going to go over to jason's in a sec to watch 6 feet under because we missed it last sunday.
i didn't getting any crocheting done today , so far. so i better hop to it!
but before that i must go clean the kitchen. there is always something like that to do.
i don't know how families do it...cleaning the house. it would be never ending.

i want these running shoes . if i give up drinking soda for a month, i could get them. i may do that because the runinng shoes i walk in right now are butt ugly.

what do you call those things that count your steps? stepometers?
and how do they work?

 

5:24pm

i did not know that if you weigh more you burn more calories when you excercise and when you weigh less you burn less.

i know i wrote this down here before, but i'm writing it down again in hopes i remember:

3,500 calories = 1 pound of fat.

this link is very cool to figure out exactly how much calories you burn by what activity:

http://www.fitwatch.com/database/searchexdb.html

it's very exact.
i found out that if i walk 2.5 miles an hour on a firm flat surface and i weigh 110 pounds, i will burn 157 calories. that sure doesn't seem like much!

so if i walk an hour a day like that 5 days a week i will burn 785 calories that week.

a month: 3,140

so...i could lose a little bit less than a pound a month. gah! i thought it would be more than that.

but hey, i'll take it because at least it's something.

maybe i could walk 2 hours a day? i dunno..that's kind of pushing it.
but if i could just lose 2 pounds a month then i could weigh 100 by the end of this year which is what i want to weigh, ideally.

however, if i run in place (or run 5 miles an hour) for an hour that burns 419 calories.

if i DISCO dance for an hour i burn 236 calories :) haha :)

so maybe i should walk an hour a day and disco dance an hour a day :)


4:10pm

i got out and walked for an hour. that feels good to do it 2 days in a row. it wasn't as magically as yesterday and there were no "in the now" moments. the noise of the traffic was bothering me. and contruction was bothering me and the smells of the construction and the dry dirt the big yellow construction contraptions blew up in the air got in my eyes and every man who i encountered i was afraid and hoping he was not a rapist. i pretty much wonder that with every man i ever see when i encounter them alone walking where i am walking if it is a place where not a lot of people are around. and i have to tell you IT'S EXHAUSTING. and that is the #1 reason why it is so hard for me to go out and walk because i am so scared of creepy men. IT SUCKS INFINITELY.

i don't know if men will ever know what it feels like to be constantly afraid of 1/2 of the earth's population. and to not be allowed to go out for 1/2 (and more than 1/2 in winter) of the day because when the sun goes down and you are still out you are "asking for it". and for more than 1/2 of the land of earth, women are still sold into slavery, and bartered and sold to families (arranged weddings), and or not even allowed to drive a car, or even show your face, or go out alone at all without being seen as a prostitute or something.

i'm so glad that i am a woman. but i have to tell you, it REALLY SUCKS to be a woman, too, on this earth.

not to mention how i don't own land, and don't know if i ever will. and even if you do own it, the government can take it away from you if you don't pay taxes on it every year. and so all of this just makes me feel like i do not even belong on my own home planet, even tho i know i do and i need to connect to it DESPERATELY. because my body comes from the earth, and is intrinsically connected to it in every way.

i just feel there is no where i belong, there is no where for me to go, no where i fit, no where i am safe.
i feel like i am constantly scrambling to come up with the $ to just rent , not even a piece of land, but a tiny cube that is suspended above the earth on top of other cubes. if i do not come up with $32 a day to just stand in this cube, i will be cast out into the open spaces where i also do not belong and for which it is open hunting season on women everywhere.

i'm fucking sick of it.

i jus want to be on this earth and feel safe. i just want there to be a place i won't get kicked off. and i'd like to go for a walk and have no fear. it's so much constant fear. no wonder i'm a nervous person. no wonder i have nightmares every night.

i'm sick of wondering why men rape and harrass. i'm sick of wondering why they feel they have a right to. i'm sick of wondering how they can look at me as less than human and just something they have the right to use in any way they please and then toss away like a piece of garbage.

i can't wrap my head around it and i know i NEVER will. but i still try to wrap my head around it and solve it anyway. and it cannot be solved! so i wish i'd just stop thinking about it! but i can't not think about it because there are still so many creepy men out there who i fear and remind me of it constantlly.

augh. it's so hard to unwind from this crap. and i jsut cannot let it get the best of me. and i have to just keep getting out there and walking and hope i can work through this somehow.

but it's not even something i CAN work through, because the reality of the situation is that it IS scary out there. it's not just some figment of my imagination that if i work it through, it will all be fine and rapists will disappear from this earth.

and i lok at all the men who i encounter when i am walking who are walking, too. and i know they aren't thinking about ANY of this. they are just walking, enjoying the day. and if they wanted to, they could even go out there at night and stay out there all night enjoying it without even thinking twice about it.

and when they see me, they aren't afraid they just think "oh, there's a girl with weird hair" or "there's a girl" or "there's a pretty girl", or worst case scenario "there's a girl i wish i could fuck her" or "there's a girl i think i'll fuck her".

guys just don't go out walking on a pretty day and fear for their life unless they are obviously gay walking through a redneck area or something.

or unless they are a member of a gang or something.

but even then, it's just not the same.

i hate this. i hate this so much.

i miss out on so much because of this.
i miss my planet, the air, the stars, the weather, the grass, the moon, the sun, the trees,
and all the things that entails...which is everything...

rape statistics:

http://www.rainn.org/statistics.html#old

....

so..now i'm just going to try and let this go and crochet.

and i'm going to try to think positive self empowering thoughts of some kind to help me cast off this fear and anger.

and tomorrow i will get out and walk again.