august 3rd, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

11:59pm

4:31pm

ate something which helped my mood a bit. it's still raining still so didn't make it outside.
emailed a few people back so i don't feel as guilty about that.
trying to get in touch with jervais to figure out this vancouver hair learning thing.
emailing a few people about modeling my hats for the show.
things getting down to the wire.
i need to crochet my ass off today and every day until the 10th.

gave some gifts of trees at heifer.org
the planet needs more trees.

someone bought anavoog.com from me for $30 because of the radio station so that paid for the $30 it took me to make the ana voog radio station. so that all worked out nicely :)

3:46pm

i can't figure out the juicer. i can't figure out how to take it apart to wash it. and i want to wash it before i used it because it looks like it has some cobwebs. but it is a mystery to me as to how it comes apart...so...i will wait until sunday when i see fuzzybumblebee and she can show me how it works since she gave it to me.
and now it is raining so i don't know if i want to go out in that. but i may. because i NEED to get to the p.o. box!
i need that off my chest.

and i need to go eat something now because the acid is burning a whole in my stomache.

maybe i will just go take a bubblebath in hopes that calms me down and grounds me.

even the dogs are aggravating me right now. the sound of them chewing their rawhide chews.

and today i received in my email from livejournal, all the comments that i never received before until now, just boom, all these comments that never arrived until now.

 

3:36pm

my aggravation with certain things has been simmering and starting to sputter and boil over today.
i'm going to try out my juicer and make carrot ginger juice then get outside for a walk to get some of this aggravation in me out and ground myself. i will use all this negative energy to convert it to positive and propel myself forwards instead of back.

but it sure would feel good to just hit something large and inanimate with a baseball bat today.
or do some primal scream therapy at the top of the cliff.

 

1:49pm

it's all darkish and hazy today. i'm listening to air and drinking diet vanilla coke.
i'm feeling unmotivated and aggravated and sad.

there are so many people i need to get back to by either phone or email and it's starting to pile up and make me feel a bit overwhelmed. and i'm not in a social mood.

oh ya, and i better get to the p.o. today. things are starting to pile up. i can't let that happen.

i'm sort of aggravated at myself over how much i avoid people sometimes.
if a person exhibits even an ounce of neediness at me, i cut that person off and just never talk to them becasuse i am afraid of being emotionally sucked dry, because so many times in my life i have been emotionally sucked dry.

and now i am gunshy about this but i don't know if this causes me to not connect to people in ways that would be good for me and not bad. i just can't tell.

and then i will have a huge urge to connect to people and i will connect to everyone all in one big splurge in a huge huge way. and then i will be freaked over how open my heart was and i won't feel that open the next day and so i close up again to try to balance things off and get grounded.

i have a really hard time finding a good solid middle ground on this.

all of a sudden i feel like how my dad must feel. i wonder if i get this , partly, from my dad.
because this seems to be exactly what he does.

he's lonely and wants friends sometimes but prefers to be alone and really doesn't want to compromise his "space".
but there just really isn't anyone out there, in his local vicinity, who he can relate to. and he could probably go out there and look more, and put himself a bit more out there...but, i know how he feels, i think, you just run into so many of the wrong kind of people. or people who seem nice at 1st and then turn totally psycho on you. and it just gets really old after awhile, and so, you just kind of give up and reside yourself to the fact that being alone and sometimes lonely is less stressful than being surrounded with a bunch of psycho emotionally draining people.

anyway...i do have friends. people who i really would trust to be around and open up to. and hang out with.
and i know they wouldn't drain me. but they all live in other states an other countries. and that is such a bitch.

but i do have coojie and fuzzybumblebee who live here. and for that i am lucky.

i better stop wallowing now and start getting stuff done before it piles up even more.

1:26pm

i just found out that maw died, months ago (from cancer i am assuming):(
a few of you may remember him, he's been around anacam and ana2 since way back and you to hang out in the chatroom a lot when we used to have that.
his son emailed me and told me that he had just received the paintings in the mail that maw had up in his apartment that i had done and this caused him to break down and cry for the 1st time since his death.
i knew maw had cancer, but i did not know he died until just now. even tho you may know someone may die, it always just feels chilling and surreal when you find out they have, especially months after the fact.

maw always did so much to me and was just such an extremely kind and very generous man. i feel guilty that i didn't stay in touch with him during his last few final years.