august 2nd, 2004
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11:49pm

i can't stop adding on to this thing. and now, instead of being almost done, i think it is just the skeletal structure for something else that is going to look kind of different from this. but i just don't know because this thing changes by the hour. i know it's really ugly. it's like ugly in a way that it might be almost cool. i wish i could just show it to you how i see it finished in my mind, because i'm very amused and excited by it :) it's going to be a weird space shaggy muppet thing. it already has HUNDREDS of dollars worth of yarn it in. and it's sooooo heavy!

it has pieces in it from all my friends! yarn fuzzybumblebee, pluckyfluff, and huaman,and a felted thing from orb8.
and it'll have some yarn from pinkpeppercorns in it, and even some yarn my dad bought and sent me :) i'm only missing yarn or something from unluckymonkey! and , as you can see, it has 5 billion pounds of colinette point 5 :)
it contains within it almost every single unfinished project i ever had. and it looks like it!

it's the psychedelic muppet love coat... thing.
and yes, i know it's damn ugly. but just you wait!

 

 

6:24pm

this thing am crocheting is just gettng weirder by the second.
i think it is a muppet suit or something now...

3:54pm

inuit in nunavut
inuit in nunavut
inuit in nunavut

say that 3 times fast :)

ok, damn, i can't go to the p.o. cause lionel ritchie and his daughter whatshername...nicole..are gonna be on oprah and that looks all intense so i gotta watch it! ha! so sue me...

i will crochet then so i am getting SOMETHING done.

 

3:43pm

sorry i haven't done much picture taking the last few days. i guess i have been in text mode.

it's another day of doing the usual mundane tasks of life and getting ready to go to the p.o. box and mail another package. ate salad and strawberries. it's hot out. i don't have much to say today, so far, because i ranted all night long :)

i have to get really focused ad crochet my ass off now because the show is coming up very soon and the rehearsal is only 6 days away and i haven't even gotten models yet! but i put a notice the the twin cities lj community about it and now i am finally getting some responses. *whew*

i over and over and over it in my mind how it should all go and how the dance moves could go on how on earth do i make it interesting for 3 minutes. and i hope to god people can dance. and i hoep to god it all works out and doesn't look stupid.

but i think i have worked out a good part of it now and it has a great sense of humour to the whole production, so even if it looks slightly stupid, it at east is light hearted and will defininitely make people go "huh?" and smile , i think :)

but now i am in a quandry over what they will wear agin as i was thinking i'd find smallish people to fit into these dresses i have for them, but now i've got some interest from some really lareg women to model, and that really interests me, too, because all about not having the ordinary model type. and so...i am having to rethink that and wonder if i have anything i could put them in that would also look right with the hats.

i just have to use my own clothes, and i am small, and so...

but i think it will all be alright.

but i have to crochet crochet crochet!

and i have to continue getting ready to get outside into the hot hot weather and drag the heavy heavy box to the p.o.

i found out why i had never heard of nunavut before and that is because it was formed in 1999! so it's a totally new province thingy.

and it's vast and huge and desolate and beautiful and full if native inuit and seals and polar bears and whales and i want to go there really badly now!

 

 

3:29am

learning about the inuit in nunavut

2:26am

these are cool:

http://www.fourmilab.ch/earthview/vplanet.html

http://www.fourmilab.ch/yoursky/

1:28pm

origonal caesar salad recipe how truly interesting!

http://www.culinaryarts.com/Recipes/recipefiles/Caesar.htm

1:15pm

ok, this place looks cheaper. here is a globe that illuminated and it also shows the topagraphy as well as countries.. hmm.

http://theglobestore.com/tactile.html

and this one is nice and simple:

http://theglobestore.com/uranio.html

1:02pm

i am now obessed with all the types of globes there are ! i want them all!

but THIS one really makes me purrrrr and i want it soooooooooo baddddllllyyyyyyyyyyy it hurrrrrts!

http://www.1worldglobes.com/erika.htm

it's gorgeous, i can learn about earth and it LIGHTS UP!

and look at this one:

http://www.1worldglobes.com/1WorldGlobes/scsilverearthsphere.htm

and this one:

http://www.1worldglobes.com/Teachingaids/celestial_star_globe.htm

and i need this too!

http://www.1worldglobes.com/Teachingaids/orrery.htm

and this one:

http://www.1worldglobes.com/1WorldGlobes/FS/fs272.htm

why are they so expensive?

there has to be a cheaper place to buy a globe...

 

12:30pm

ok, because i am such a stupid and misinformaed american who does not not geography, i am looking at a candian map and vancouver, BC and victoria, vancouver island are close to each other. so maybe after i learn hair for the weekend i could take a train or a bus to vancouver island to visit kat? how many hours would that be and how much more money would it cost, i wonder?

also, according to this map, greenland is also called denmark? huh?

http://atlas.gc.ca/site/english/maps/reference/national/can_political_e/referencemap_image_view

i sure had all the provinces screwed up. i didn't know that quebec was to the left of toronto. i thought toronto was at the very most left of the country. i also thought that it was alberta that was right above minnesota.

and there is a province called nunavit??? and what's it's like up there? it has so many islands!
and hudson bay is HUGE. i had no idea.

I NEED TO TRAVEL.

and i am , indeed , going to buy a globe and study it.

i think i'll look on ebay right now.

i should have a globe and know where things ARE!

 

 

12:15am

ok crap, i just figured out that when jervais said she lived in vancouver she meant vancouver, british columbia, not vancouver island. and kat lives on vancouver island. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. so i cannot go visit kat when i go up there to learn how to do hair extensions! PISSER!!!!!!!

i do not even know if i know anyone else who lives in vancouver, british columbia, who i could stay with.
maybe i have relatives there? i probably do. i'll ask my mom.

but man, i am sooooo bummed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am more than bummed :((((

i thought they lived in the same place because the know each other. or at least kat's friend , danica knows jervais.

 

august 1st, 2004

9:47pm

more rants about everything

(sometimes i just get on a rant roll...)

went food shopping and bought TONS of veggies and fruits. yum! i bought a bunch of organic carrots and ginger so i can finally try the juicer that fuzzybumblebee gave me.

and i bought some anchovies and expensive blue cheese so that i can put those in salads.

i have never bought blue cheese before, i can't believe that. i don't know why i haven't.
i once had some blue cheese that was so powerful it actually blew me away in the way that wasabi does when you have that wasabi nose explosion that you have with sushi that is so fun :)

i hope i got the kind of blue cheese that will THAT. i don't know the different kinds of blue cheese.

i love really intense foods like that. like a caesar salad, a REAL caesar salad (not those fake lame ones that you usually get in restaurants) has to have anchovies and DARK green lettuce.

i hate salads with wimpy light green lettuce, ooo, that bugs me and there are so many of them in minnesota.

it's no wonder that people don't like to eat salads with the stupid wimpy lettuce and chemically grown weak tomatoes that they try to pass off to you as a salad. and that is the kind of salad that you get in a regular restaurant in minnesota. it should be outlawed. it makes me sad that more people do not enjoy the taste of REAL organic friuts and veggies. you just don't even know what you are missing until you eat organic, it's a completely different experience.
nonorganic fruits and veggies are just pale imitations of what it's really supposed to taste like. it makes me sad.

and i don't know why drugs are illegal and everyone gets all haughty about people wasting away their life on drugs like pot when they eat things like wonder bread and twinkies and things with hydrogenated oil in it.
if that isn't JUST as destructive as something like alcoholism or smoking or whatever, then i don't know what is. it makes no sense.

don't get me wrong, i love peanut butter and jelly on wonder bread. it's yummy.
but i am guessing that heroin is also yummy and fun, y'know? and i just know better than to do it.

it's really criminal how little we know about nutrition in the country with the most food. it's just criminal.

and it should be outlawed to put pop and snack machines in school.

i did not grow up knowing much about nutrition at all. they teach it to you, sort of, but it's so vague and it's so wrong.

like eating carbs for breakfast will make you just crash and burn in a few hours and that starts the whole day off with cravings. my mom and dad, because they just did not know better, would always feed me cereal before i went to school. or oatmeal that would "stick to my ribs". well, it never stuck to my ribs and then by 10:30am my blood sugar level would totally crash and i wouldn't be able to make it to lunch...i would crash so much my mom thought i was hypoglycemic and would give me little tupperwares full of cheerios and raisins to help me out.

but usually what would happen is that i would be forced to go to the snack machine because that is all there was, and buy myself hostess cupcakes and a coke and then i'd be flying from all that sugar and then when lunch came (which was always gross and ronald reagan decreed that tomato ketchup could be passed off as a VEGETABLE, thanks fucktard) i wouldn't be all that hungry for it.

anyway...there is so much to learn. and we truly ARE what we eat. so it's just the most important thing there is on this earth for us to survive! and we just know so very little about it.

i'm STILL learning about it, trying to piece things together and trying things out and finding out what's up by trial and error. and at age 38 you'd think i'd know by now, you know?

it's just pathetic really.

they really just don't teach you much of anything highly useful in the school systems here.

my life was NOT enriched by reading zorba the greek (being a teenage white girl) and having to do a paper on it.
or reading any of those dumb books about cranky old men. nor was my life made better by memorizing that there was a war in 1812 or even the theory of evolution.

what would have been great is learning how to do finances. how the world works. the stock market.

what to EAT. how to excerise...and not just play DODGEBALL and be terrified by gym class and be made to run in hot weather until i feel i could throw up.

it would have been nice to know about chi or stretches or to quiet the mind or balance a checkbook.

or what to do when you have an anxiety attack. or how to deal with adversity or conflict.

and we all should have learned how to raise children and how to cook and clean, i mean USEFUL things. my first boyfriend didn't even known how to boil an egg or make a grilled cheese sandwhich or turn on a washing nachine, for cryin' out loud. at age 21!

we should learn how to garden, how to keep things sanitary, how to break up fights, what do do with passive aggressive behaviour.

or sexual harrassment! or how to build a house or fix a toilet.

but instead we got DODGEBALL and competition and reading books about cranky old men and their midlife crisises and their battles with god or whales or whatever.

and they taught math in such a boring way and didn't show us how this was applied to LIFE, and sacred geometry and nature and the golden spiral and groovy things. it was just this dry 2+2= 4...remember that...thing.

anyway...blah blah rant rant...

furtherly, it wasn't even required that we lean foreign languages so we could actually visit other parts of the world and not look like idiots.

and i think that there should be school in 2 parts during life so they don't just try to cram it all down your throat when you are going through puberty.

there should be another required free schooling system for when you hit 30 or 40 to help you deal with issues you face then. like coping skills and more nutrition and how to deal with families or depression and again, things like how to get out of financial disaster or put a new roof on your house and teach you a new skill for a new job or whatever. how to refinance your home, how to invest. how to deal with loss and death, how to fix your car, put out a fire, give you more lessons on cpr and first aid, how to pitch a tent, go fishing, i mean there are just so many things to learn that we just don't learn.
how to deal with divorce or rape or bankruptcy or even dealing with inheritance or recycling or ecology.

where does are garbage go? how does that effect our planet and our neighbourhoods and our bodies?
what about the entire mind/body connection?
what ARE all those chemicals in all the cleaning supplies we use? and how does that effect things?

and if we actually DID learn about slavery and human rights and genocide then why is it still happening to gay people? and women? and american indians? rwanda? etc etc.

and women should not be put into a separate room to learn about their periods as if it were some horrible hush hush thing that the boys have to be shielded from. some weird thing boys shouldn't touch.

no wonder men are still weirded out when you ask them if you can go buy them a box of tampons (as if the sales clerk is going to think that THEY have their periods? wtf?)

and while i'm on that subject, and this is another rant altogether, some guy told me the other day that he hates when women get tattoos of little stars over where their ovaries are because it ruins sex for him because he doesn't want to be reminded that they have ovaries. i mean WTF is up with THAT? he says he doesn't want to be reminded that we can have babies.. during SEX. ummm, ok. we women are RULED by our ovaries like men are ruled by their testicles, and so if you want to figure out half of the earth's population or have a girlfriend, you better figure that out real quick-like.

and dude, what the fuck do you think we think about when we see your testicles all jangling there on the OUTSIDE of your body, all big and hairy. HELLO? and WE can deal with it. man, get a grip.
and we don't even squirt our eggs all over your face and eroticize it and make you eat it. so man, you're getting off easy, let me tell you.

and dude, you don't have large colour photos of men with eggs squirted all over their face licking it up like "teen bitch whores" everytime you open your email. so, man, suck it up about being reminded that women have *gasp* ovaries of all things!

ok, i must be ranting today because i just got my PERIOD. oooo, ya.

:)

 

 

6:45pm

going to go food shopping for veggies.
one thing nice about atkins is that when you go off all the foods you couldn't eat before taste SO GOOD!

 

3:38pm

creating your own reality

little tips on how to do it from my own experience:

this atkins diet is not working out that great for me this time.. it worked really well when i was fatter and i think my body was not hanging on to the fat as much as it is now. these last 10 pounds to lose have just stuck by me stubbornly like a sonuvabitch. i think to lose these last 10 on atkins i would have to drink only water, have no caffeine, and don't even take on 20 carbs a day (on the induction part u can have up to 20 a day). but in order for it to work for me for these last 10 stupid pounds, i'd have to go way hardcore. and i don't think i can do that for 10 more days eating ONLY meat and drinking water. so...i've ordered the south beach diet book and i'll give that a try. meanwhile while i wait for it, i will just...i don't know...try to be as good as i can about eating...like i will not inhale an entire cheescake (not that i ever do anything like that anyway).

it just doesn't seem to be that it should be so darn hard to lose just 10 pounds, or even 5. but they say it's always those last 10 or 5 that really fuck with you. and that seems to be the case here.

but i am NOT giving up. i will get these last 10 pounds off of my by the end of this year someway , somehow.
and that will be such a relief to me. i am just so impatient i want them off NOW. and i know that because i am motivated and focused on it, it will happen somehow.

i think i will now go drink a goddamn CHERRY COKE. and then jump up and down on my bed for 1/2 an hour.

another secret of mine is to never stay on one type of diet for more than a week or even 5 days. if you keep switching it around and tricking your body so your body never can get used to anything and then need to stay there, it works out a lot better. so it's good to kind of shock/jar your body out of it's routine so it doesn't become dependent on a certain way (unless u want to be in that certain way forever).

and as much as it might seem silly to say, for me, i have (as with everything) always noticed that when my processes are JOYFUL for whatever it is i want to accomplish, that is when i have the most successes.

and it really IS mind over matter. easier said than done really, tho, i know. but i know it can work because there was a few days long ago where i just really concentrated on shifting myself to the reality that food made my lose weight rather than gain it (which is really true in many respects in that you have to eat food in order to lose it..so it keeps your metabolism up...which is why anorexics always make me sad because the less you eat the more your body will hold on to every little calorie it can because it goes into stavation mode).

but for a few days i would eat spoonfuls of tahini with honey which is like, i don't know, hundreds of calories per tablespoon, and i just made myself think the absolute illogical and i visualized as hard as i could that each spoonful was a magic elixer that would make me lose weight. i said to myself, "i do not know how this will work, but i will just know that it will, somehow" i saw the tahini as light going through my body. and you know what? it WORKED.

and i guess i didn't just stay there doing that because i am too lazy to even do mental excercise. ha :)

but ya, it can work. just like how people can walk on burning coals or impale themselves with iron rods and feel no pain. you CAN eat ANYTHING you want and lose weight if you trick yourself into thinking that it's true even tho it goes against logic and scientific reasoning and fact.

visualization is so important to losing weight or doing any goal you want to accomplish. and you can literally visualize yourself skinny.

but sometimes it's easier to take that in steps like visualize yourself 5 pounds skinnier and keep going like that instead of just visualizing yourself as your ideal weight.

because with many people who have always been fat, it would be next to impossible (i'm guessing) to visualize how they would look or feel being skinny since they have never actually experienced it and so have nothing to go on.
and i think that may be part of the reason why it's so hard for people who have always been fat to lose the weight because it's just so hard for them to visualize it.

for them, i think the trick might be to just visualize the scale saying they are 5 pounds skinnier. because that is a visual that would be easier to lock on to and it takes it in small attainable steps.

that's just my guess from what i have experienced myself.

i think that once you have experienced something, whatever that is...it is easier to get back to that point beause you now have the experience from that past to visualize and "lock on to".

in my mind, for me, it is like i remember the feeling of that experience i wish to recreate and then i draw an invisible line to it, like a cord that connects me to that feeling. like an extra super long skinny arm that reaches out into the future and grasps it and holds on to it and then i pull myself forward through it, trusting that i will not let go of that cord and through thick or thin, as long as i do not let go of that cord, that line, that arm, that highway...i will eventually reach that place. and even if i am dragged through swamps and dead bodies and pain as i follow that cord, i know that as long as i hold on to it, no matter how dark and scary it gets, i will eventually reach my destination, which is that feeling.

that is how i have survived through many things.

and i think that is why prozac can be so good for some people, because it chemically lifts you out of your sludge for a minute and you rise above it all and then can actually see your way out of the maze. and it gives you a feeling of "i can do it, i CAN make my way out, and here are the logical steps i must take in order to make my way out".
because when you are depressed, it's sometimes really difficut to imagine what a feeling of normalcy might be or was. but when it reminds you agin of what that feeling was, you can then go "oh ya, i remember now" and then you lock on to that feeling again, and you pull yourself out. and then you don't need prozac anymore.

tha was what it was like for me.

i think about this with jacqui's weight loss surgery and how she said that even if she gained all the weight back again, it was worth it for her to at least have experienced what it was like to be skinnier.

and i think this will be true for her, IF she did gain all the weight back, it would be easier for her to lose it again more than it was before, because now she has that experience to reach out and lock on to.

if you have no idea what kind of feeling to lock on to, to get to a certain place, then how can you do it? without locking on to a feeling or experience...something to visualize, it would be like wandering around in the dark just stabbing though blindly hoping my some weird fluke you make it to your destination.

and i think that is the problem for a lot of people and their various goals they have a hard time acheiving.

like how it's hard for a lot of people who were born poor and everyone around them is also poor, to be able to pull themselves out of that reality and become rich. they just can't imagine what rich "feels like". even if by some chance they come into some money, many aren't able to maintain it, because locking on to a feeling or experience can work against you, too. like it's too easy to remember and lock on to what it felt like to be poor again, and then your fear drags you right back to being poor again because your fear kept you locked in to that feeling of being poor.

i know i do this to myself a lot. and i go "god, i remember what it was like to be poor and eat only ramen" and my fear is the arm/cord that reaches out and locks back onto that feeling of being poor, and pretty soon i'm dragged right back to being poor.

and then i have to try to remember what it felt like to be richer, even if i'm on the middle of being really poor, at least i had that experience of being a bit more rich, and so even if it's illogical, i will try to pretend i am rich just to try to lock back on to that feeling so that i then can create a more rich reality for me again.

and on and on it goes. and i'm obviously not exceptionally good at this yet. and maybe i haven't learned to totally trust even what i am saying now because it seems to go against logic.

but by writing it down here , for myself, i re-remind myself that it does work and to just keep doing like that.

anyway, it really is interesting how we do create our own realities, literally. and that with the power of our minds and feelings we can change those realities against all logic.

but it really does work because i have seen it work in my own life.
and i must remember this more often.
and i must trust in myself and the universe more to know this is true and ,indeed, i am the one in control here (as long as i also realize i am connected to everything, too, you cannot be little a god that is an island in and of itself, so you have to hold these 2 seemingly opposite truths together and balance them...i am a god/i am not a god..and that in and of itself can get a bit confusing).

+++

what are your experiences with any of this kind of stuff (creating your own reality) i am talking about here?

(although i do NOT want to talk about whether or not the atkins diet is good or bad or healthy or dangerous. been there, done that. i don't want to discuss it in any way.)

+++

the best books i have ever found on this subject is:

the nature of personal reality by jane roberts
and
living with joy by sonaya roman

+++

p.s. i am not saying in this entry that fat is bad and skinnier is better. i am simply talking about my life and what i want, and those people who were fatter who wanted to be skinnier, for whatever reasons.

i think it's fine to be fat and prefer yourself to be that way.

i totally support all body types and weights!

and that also includes people who society feels are "too thin".

there is a lot of prejudice against people who have that body type, too. i hate fat people bashing and i hate skinny people bashing (like the whole "REAL women have curves"...grr), it's just as equally disempowering and destructful. like i saw this stupid article on celebrities who were "too thin" the other day. and the article just ripped on those people for looking that way and i think that is just as destructful to women/humans and the articles who rip on women for being "too fat". grrr.

but that is a whole another subject and rant...

 

3:33pm

i didn't break down and eat a vat of spaghetti today o a coke, but i may tomorrow! aaiiee!

watched the original manchurian candidate over ta jason's and i didn't lock up the dogs while i was gone and i forgot about that but i didn't think there was much they could get into. but i totally did not realize that there was a packet of gravy in the garbage from the turkey and the dogs dragged it all over like some sort of modern art project. really depressing.

i may just have to throw my little carpet with the circles away now :/

i can't believe that it's august 1st. the summer has just whizzed by.