july 29th, 2004

11:59pm

kind of ruined the atkins a bit by going out to eat with jason and sue. i had pork and asparagus and mushrooms and i don't know if the sauce had carbs in it but i hope it wasn't too much carbs. tomorrow i get back on track! i think on atkins you can have asparagus and mushrooms, but you can't have those in the 1st 2 weeks. but hey, i didn't eat any bread or anything wayyyyy carby.

5:52pm

i hate when i sleep in til some ridiculous hour like 2pm. it's already 6! man.
i'm wrorking on wrapping my hair. this time i'm doing it a lot better so i hope i do not have to do it again.
tonight at 8pm i go out with jason and his friend sue, although i have no clue as to where we are going.
i'm starting to feel better. and the turkey is in the oven.

3:24pm

i slept really late because i had the worst sleep of tossing and turning.
was drinking some of that rose flavoured vodka last night which is just soooo extremely good, and i can drink it while on atkins because it has no carbs. but damn, now today i have a headache and i'm dizzy. i think it shall pass in a few hours.
blech. but if ever you get the chance to taste it, i recommend you do. it's really good to even just mix with sparkling water and then you have this light rose flavoured summery drink. so sensual of a flavour.

but i don't know, i think drinking is losing its appeal for me just because the next day i always feel like crap and i always have the worst sleep. my body cannot process alcohol like when i was younger. my body can just really feel how toxic it is. and alcohol really is a poison. but it's just so damn yummy. it's hard to give it up completely. not like i have to give it up completely but maybe drinking twice a month would be a lot better than drinking 3 times a week.

i just need to get some of that rose flavour to put in my sparkling water minus the alcohol.

so, today is day 4 of the atkins, and i am getting pretty darn bored of eating only protein. but i'm doing a lot better on this day 4 than i usually do. usually by day 4 i'd be ready to lose my mind and visions of vanilla coke would be haunting my every waking moment. that and great vats of spaghetti.

but i think i can manage though today , too. and i'm so glad for that.

i'm just so excited for my goal of finally fitting back into ALL of clothes. of having a flat stomache again, maybe.
maybe i'd even get my belly button pierced.

i know i look good how i am right now, too. and i thank you for those of you who remind me that i do :)
thank you :)

but i just really identify "myself" as being rail thin, as i always was all my life. that is where i feel "me", the most.
although being voluptuous has been an interesting way of being. and i think i've done really well adjusting to it and making it work for me. and if i did stay at the weight i currently am at (i think about 110?) then, it wouldn't be the end of the world or anything. i definitely could deal with it. weighing 110 is certainly not overweight and it's a completely reasonable weight to be at my height. totally healthy.

and i'm not even trying to get as skinny as i was when my cam started , which was about 95.
i just want to weigh 100, or even 105 would be nice.

i hope i can get out for a walk today since i didn't do that yesterday. i do need to get to the p.o. box again because i have some more things to mail.

and oh man, i need to find some models for my show. i think i'mjust going to advertise in my journal and in the twin cities lj community for just any kind of dancer to be my model. i just have to get models, anyway. that is coming up way faster than i realized. and rehearsals for it are on august 8th.

and dammit, i'm just going to put that turkey in the oven today, i don't care if it's still frozen.

when i went down to go get a die dr pepper from the pop machine, i saw that the simon delivers food had arrived so that should be delivered to my doorstep any minute and i can't wait 'cause i need a few slices of cheese to get me going here...

i think i'll go over and weigh myself at jason's now. even tho i know if i lose any weight it probably only water weigth. it still feels nice to loook down and see i lost weight anyway.