july 28th, 2004
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5:52pm

that turkey is still way frozen.

2 things my dogs will not eat: spinach and mussels

5:35pm

jason didn't get a hold of sue so i guess we are not going out tonight which is fine by me :)
and now we can watch that "amish in the city" new reality tv show. ha :) yay!
THAT is just what i need right now :)
good ol' reality tv. gimme gimme gimme. shoot it in my veins.

5:05pm

4:32pm

well, it went well. thank god. there were a few times the conversation headed in a unsavory direction but we quickly both steered it away from that and nipped it in the bud. as long we just kept the conversation light and "in the now" it was just fine. and it was nice to have a mom that was acting like my old mom would act, just kind and normal.
i hope it can continue on int this way. we will see each other again in a month or so.
and she is so funny, dragging all this clutter into my house, as she always does. trying to give me little odds and ends of stuff. extra kitchen utensils i do not need. etc etc. and she always, every single time i see her, tries to give me back all the jewelery that i gave her even tho i always tell her i don't want it. finally i just gave in and took it all back. she is so funny. i guess i will just give it to someone else. if i give stuff to my mom, she just tries to give it back to me every time i see her for decades on end.

and she tried on all my hats and loved them all. and she even tied in my hair with white yarn in the back like i have been trying to get someone to do for me for 2 months. so now i just have to do the front again. i did do the front months ago but with the wrong kind of string and it all fell out.

it was good. one of the hardest and awkward parts was seeing her husband who has said some exceptionally mean things to me but now that my mom is nice to me, he is nice to me , too, as if he doesn't have a brain of his own. and he has never said he is sorry for the terrible things he said and so, i refused to touch him or even look at him much, tho i was pleasant and smiling and i could tell he wanted us to be all buddy again with me. but it just doesn't work like that for me. if you have betrayed me in a huge way and then not even apologized, you are pretty much on my shit list for life.

i can try to make up with my mom because she is my MOM. but he...he is nothing to me.

sorry to be so cold about it. but i don't do well with hardcore betrayal and evilness.

i didn't make the turkey. that would have taken too long. so i made a pork roast thing and some spinach and my mom was all super impressed that i cooked. i don't know why she thinks i can't cook or something, but she acts all amazed whenever i do it as if i were a 3 year old ridng a tricycle for the first time. it's very amusing.

even tho it all went well and nothing was particularily exhausting or draining, i stilll had my guard up the whole time "just in case". and i guess even tho it was kind of a "back function", it still took a little out of me.

it's weird, i'm afraid to even think about what just happened for fear that i will discover some extra conniving maniplation trick she did on me that i wasn't aware of yet. and i'm too afraid t look to see if that happened that i don't even want to think about the day or what transpired at all. even tho i WILL think about it.

and i don't think any manipulation happened. but i'm just scared to look anyway.

so, i think i will just put on the tv and try to not think about this afternoon as much as possible because i don't even want to "go there".

but i think it was all good. i just have my guard up in the severest way.

and my house is now cleaner, which is good because my house was king of downsliding again.

oh, and my mom took all my plastic fruit. who knew she would want it?
she'll probably try to give it all back to me now every time i see her.

i also gave her my stuffed turtle named Peruse. i didn't know WHO to give that thing too and i really love it so much but just want to get rid of stuff. but she saw it and loved it and i'm like WANT IT? so now that is gone too.

but now i have all THIS stuff she gave me which i will now have to figure out how to get rid of.

it is the never ending cycle of stuff in my house.

but ya, it's definitely time to watch some mind numbing tv now.

and i don't know if maybe i am going out tonight with jason and his friend sue. sue is a friend who lives in oregon who is just passing through and i don't know what is up with meeting her tonight.

ya, it was good. it was good with my mom. that was a world record of goodness between us.
i haven't hung out with her or even seen her for 3 years maybe.
i did see her when we tried to go to that psychologist woman 2 times. but that doesn't really count because that was just bad news all around. so ya, today was a HUGE milestone of an accomplishment between my mom and i healing.
i have to say, i never thought it would happen. and i am still wary about the future...but...i'll take it one day at a time...

i think i will put the turkey in the oven now. i may as well cook it.

it's raining out in a pleasant way.

 

12:04pm

i got up a 9:30m, drank coffee, and i cleaned my house like a whirlwind.
i think i may have had too much coffee. i feel very jittery. and i ate nothing. i'm just not hungry.
i can't eat 1st thing in the morning and then nerves and then coffee.
i hope my house is not too hot for my mom. she is always too hot everywhere she goes.
argh. i am nervous. she is going to be here any second now...

i don't think my bed has every been so free of all dog hair. she's allergic to things.
fuck, i need to take a deep breathe.

there is always so much to hide from moms. like the pot, the gun, the bondage faerie comics, boob tv books...

july 27th, 2004

11:59pm

i love whitely streiber. what an amazing person and a great teacher and story teller and interviewer and writer and visionary.

10:58pm

atkins is so weird in that you can eat all you want (as long as it's protein) and still lose weight.
i ate so much today. i had 5 eggs, a steak, and 15 mussels and i'm STILL hungry...which is unusual because usually protein really fills me up. well, my stomache feels very full, but i'm still hungry. eating only protein leaves you full but unsatisfied. but being unsatisfied it better than being hungry. but i feel fatter than when i started atkins 2 days ago. i hope the weight loss part kicks in soon. yes, i'm impatient. maybe i just have pms again? is it that time of the month? it might be. my face is breaking out, too.

i wonder if i'll be able to get a walk in tomorrow. or maybe being nervous with my mom will be enough for calorie burning.

i ordered 90 bucks worth of groceries from simon delivers. all protein. cheese, fish, meat, eggs, and no calorie drinks.
and this atkins ice cream, i have to try it. since you can have cream in atkins as long as it's real cream. it's just a sugar free ice cream. i'm excited. i hope it's good. it's probably not god, tho, all those atkins ready made food like the bars and especially the shakes really are pretty gross. but when you are dying for ANYTHING other than cheese and eggs you will eat ANYTHING, just for something different.

many people don't really understand atkins diet, tho. you really should read the book. you only do the 100% protein thing (and i think you can have 20 grams of carbs a day) for 2 weeks to break your sugar addiction. then , you slowly start reintroducing carbs back into your diet. most people don't know that part.

oh shoot, i wish i had more vitamins. that is the thing, too, is that you have to take lots of vitamins during the 1st 2 weeks since you aren't getting a very balanced diet.

i wish i had my own personal chef for the atkins thing. there really are a lot of interesting recipes to try that i never do.
you can make it so much more interesting than i go about it. but i'm too lazy to figure it all out. i should, tho. i would probably be more successful with this diet if i did.

what really makes more sense to do tho is the south beach diet. that is just a plain old common sense one.
i think with that one you can eat all the veggies you want with it, too, only certain kinds , tho.

after i can't stand the atkins anymore, i'll switch the south beach.

and if i can just keep walking 45 minutes a day or more, then i'll be doing pretty well :)

the reason i started gaining weight again is because i was starting to drink too many sugar cokes again. and drinking wine and beer at night more often than i should. and that will always make me gain weight.
that, and sitting on my ass not moving. yep, that'll do it.
it doesn't really take much before it just starts creeping on.

so no sugar or beer or sitting around ALL the time for me.
nope. i will lose 10 pounds and finally be back at my original weight ASAP. i am MOTIVATED.

 

 

9:53pm

i'm nervous about my mom coming over tomorrow. she's coming at noon. i'm going to get up at 10am to clean.
i think maybe she is just staying for a few hours. she wants to go out for lunch, but i'm on the atkins so i don't know what i could eat. so, i am still going to make my turkey in hopes that i can maybe convince her to stay in for lunch.
i don't know, i hope it all goes smoothly. i am pretty scared.

6:24pm

prince's musicology seems to be a winner, as well :)
it's not as good as his old stuff...but it's soooo much better than the stuff he had been putting out the last 10 years.

5:57pm

holy shit, i LOVE the new air cd called "talkie walkie" heck ya.
this is just what i needed.

and tonight the finale of america's next top model!

yes, i am soooo shallow today.

sometimes it good to just have shallow superficial summer days.

i feel good i've stuck to the atkins today. and i walked. yes, MUST lose weight. must.

my goal is to lose those stupid last finale 10 pounds i have been meaning to lose FOREVER.

i don't know when i am going to find the motivation to clean for my mom.
i just might not.

 

4:40pm

went to the p.o. box and to the bank, so got a good walk in.
i'm kind of getting sick of just about every single person on the street remarking about my hair or trying to talk to me about my hair, or pointing at me and talking about me with all of their friends. even tho it is mostly all positive, it gets to be exhausting because i just don't know , at first, if it is a positive thing, or if they are going to start calling me names and taunting me, or if they are going to approach me and try to talk to me forever or whatever. so i always have my guard up and it's draining to be like that all of the time.

1:44pm

i'm unthawing a 12 pound turkey. i won't forget about this one.
i didn't think about it, but this will be a good thing to make tomorrow since my mom will be here.

1:08pm

i feel a lot better. almost 100%.

i forgot that tomorrow is the day my mom is coming over here. at noon. good lord. i'm going to try to just shove tha thought out of my mind until it actually happens.

i rrrreeeaaalllly do not feel like cleaning my house for my mom.

side note: i hear really bad jazz music outside.

12:58pm

it's another gorgeoous day outside. and now begins day 2 of my atkins diet.
i'm so pissed i left something out to dethaw and then totally forgot about it so i had to throw it away.
oh well.
i'm still so worried about isa from isabellacam.com. even tho we have all been expressing our worry for her in her bbs for months now, she doesn't reply.
one thing changed a month ago, she or someone changed her next scheduled appearance from 5-28 to "TBA"
but then a few days ago, for some bizarre reason, it changed back to "5-28" and that makes no sense whatsoever.
i have no idea what is going on with her and i am very worried.