july 10th, 2004
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10:59pm

ohmigod i just made a real laugh that sounded EXACTLY like the laugh right at the beginning of duran duran's "rio" song. weird!

been watching "globe trekker" one of my fave shows.

a fire cracker went off miles in the distance and got the dogs all riled.

jason is still not home from the bbq.

i might go to sleep soon...

 

10:24pm

i need to travel. i need to go to japan, iceland, prague, amtserdam, bali, antarctica, estonia, hawaii...

and i will....i will!

 

5:25pm

blarg.

 

4:04pm

i've decided not to go to the bbq. i'm not in a very social mood and i'm feeling depressed.
but mostly i just want to use tonight to crochet some so i can hand over what i've done to fuzzybumblebee tomorrow.
because i need to get going on that pronto. this show is less than a month away.

i'm going over to jason's now to crochet while he cleans his house and then he leaves at 5:30pm and then i'll be back at my house, i think.

i just ate the worst hamburger at burger king. yuck.

i feel gross.

 

2:04pm

i'm depressed now.
i'm trying to get motivated and just keep going on with my day in hopes i snap out of it.
but it really just puts a huge gloom over my day (to put it lightly) when a friend says they will kill themselves within a week. how does a person deal with information like that?
i don't know...i have no words...

 

1:14pm

my thing i posted in my friends journal to her suicide threat:

 

"i hate to break it to you, but death is not going to be the end for you.
death is not the end of life or even pain.
i know you are a stubborn person and are just going to try it anyway, just in case it is.
but, i know it's not , because i have committed suicide many times over in my past lives and it really just doesn't work.

i am really going to miss you and i love you very much.

all i ask is that you please write me a letter on the day you do it, and then, i will at least know you are dead so i don't have to just wonder and wonder and wonder when your journal goes all silent. ok? because that would be very hard for me to deal with, to just not know.

send it to:
ana voog
po. box 76152
saint paul, MN
55175

you don't have to write much. just put an "x" on a postcard and just put it in a mailbox anywhere before you go, ok? you know how much you hate when jayson doesn't text message you back and then you don't know what is going on? so please, at least do this last tiny thing for me. that is all i ask.

also, after you die and you realize that it's not the end , and that gets a bit confusing for you (if it does) and you get a bit lost and don't know what to do or where to go, come and try to find me or one of my friends and we will try to help you to go to the right place for you to go and find peace and where other people who have passed on can help you heal. but if that is not possible, (because, when you die, how can you remember all of this when all this weird stufff is about to happen to you?) my friends and i will try to "look you up" to see where you are and see if we can be of any assistance to you after you die, anyway. because i just want to make sure you are ok whereever you are.

also, before you die, i recommend you read the book "advice on dying" by the dalai lama.
it's a short book, so i think you could probably get through it in one day or 2.

i will really miss you. and so will a lot of people. and your cats will also miss you.
you will be causing a lot of pain by going this way, and so be prepared to feel all of it after you die because after you die you will go through a time where you will feel all things connected and the effect you had on everything. you are a real asset to this planet.
you are an amazing and beautiful soul and i hope you see that someday, if not in this life, then in the next.

i wish you well on your journey and hope to meet you again under better circumstances.

and again, i love you and will miss you greatly....

goodbye. :(

p.s. if you see sonia, tell her i say hi"

"if you'd like me to mail you my copy of the "advice on dying" book, let me know, i'll send you my copy, k?"

"and i hope you don't take anything i say here as being sarcastic. i'm saying all this to you in all seriousness. nothing i wrote here was meant to be sarcastic in any way whatsoever."

 

"but i hope i've made it clear that i do not think suicide is a good choice, because it's NOT a way out. it's really not. it will not be the end of your problems at all.
and i really do hope you choose not to.
and if you need to call someone to talk about it, i'm here."

 

 

12:34pm

the movie, anchorman, that i saw last night was HILARIOUS! i haven't seen that funny of a movie in a long time! the entire audience was laughing almost the whole time :) you should go see it!

+++

on the completely other end of the scale, my friend is threatening suicide again except this time she says she will not announce what particular day and she will not do it at home, so if the cops come over, she will just smile at them and tell them she is fine.

i don't know what to do. i don't think there is anything i can do. it feels like only a matter of time until she will actually do it and be successful with it. and i think this time may be the time. i have been sort of mentally preparing myself for the day it will finally happen, in the back of my mind (and i guess in the forefront, too, obviously), and just trying to deal with the reality of that. i guess in a way one would sort of think about a person dying of cancer. i don't know. i don't really know how to put it.

except it sucks in that usually with a person dying of cancer you get to be closer, perhaps, and get to say your goodbyes and make your peace and be there while they die maybe. this suicide thing is so abrupt and angry and violent and...i can't put it into words that could convey it.

the sad or happy thing is , is that death is NOT going to be the end of pain for her, i don't believe, since death is not the end. and i just hope she doesn't end up some wandering troubled spirit here and on earth, wandering around all lost and in pain, as she is right now.

i think she is in for quite a shock when she dies and sees she doesn't end at all.

and then she's probably going to have to reincarnate and do this thing all over again. rinse. repeat.

i don't know. the universe is open to ALL possibilities,i believe, so anything could happen, and so who am i to say what will happen to her when she dies? it is infinite possibilities, perhaps. but this is just what i think is most likely to happen.

and, i just have to let go of it, because it is obviously so beyond my control.
and it WON'T be the end of her. and even who knows, maybe she DOES need to kill herself because that is the lesson she needs to learn right now is that suicide doesn't work. maybe she just needs to go through a whole bunch of lives where she kills herself over and over again until she finally gets that is no way out whatsoever.

i sure as heck know *I* did that in many of my past lives over and over and over again. so who am *I* to judge?

and you know, here i am, still here, working it out. and ya, there are times in this life i have still contemplated suicide, and probably still will (who hasn't?). but ya...i know that is not the easy way out of the situation, although it seems like it may be at the time.

i sort of want to say goodbye to her and i sort of don't...because i just don't want to be close to her right now because being close to her will probably mean that i will be in more pain over her death. or maybe that is just my denial over this.

i don't know. i don't really know what to think or how to deal with this exactly except to just let it go and keep on going with my life in the best way i can and wish her the best of luck with her journey.

+++

and so, life goes on, doesn't it?
as i contemplate whether or not to go to the bbq tonight with jason and his friends. i need to get a lot of crocheting done today because tomorrow is a meeting at 3pm for the fashion show fuzzybumblebee and i are in at the fine line on august 10th. and we are collaborating on 2 outfits and so i need to add on to some crochet things she has given me so i can then hand those back to her tomorrow so that she can then add on to them.

 

*stomache hurts*