july 6th, 2004

11:57pm

oh, and macenkie from hairpolicempls is comiing over on the 12th te wrap yarn into my hair like i have been trying to do myself but have been doing a bad job of it. to get my real hair all tied up tight against the dread so it doesn't stick out anywhere. so that will be cool to finally have that done!

11:34pm

other things i collect that are clutter:

links and pictures from the net. 99% of all the links i save i never go back to.
and once i save pictures from the internet that i find, i very rarely ever look at them again.

11:00pm

i'm pacing aimlessly through my house, sighing and sulking.
it must be an awful burden to be an obsessive compulsive housecleaner.
i can see how someone could get really obsessed with neatness and putting things away when you are done with them.
my mom is like this. if one thing is out of place, she literally becomes physically ill from it until that thing is put away.
i NEVER want to be like that. and i never will be like that simply because i am going to not let myself become like that.
however, i can see how it could happen to a person.

i feel guilty for throwing so much stuff away. i really wish i could have had a yard sale and found good homes for all of that stuff. i could have waited 2 more weeks until fuzzybumblebee had another sale, but i just could not wait. i had to have it out right then and there. i just had to, still, i'm feeling guilty.
and furthermore, i am feeling guilty about more things i may throw away in the near future just because i cannot deal with selling things on ebay because i loathe and despise hauling boxes to the post office more than i loathe and despise even cleaning my toilet.

and i fret over finding the right box for it, and packing it well, and knowing what on earth to charge for shipping because i have no idea how much these things weigh. what-ev-rrrr.

i went through a period where i was quite depressed, you remember, when i lived in that apartment before this one, the one i hated so much. at the height of my fatness. and so i turned into a shopaholic for awhile to ease my pain. and bought all these bizarre things like bird's nests and wasp's nests and bird wings because i thought i could incorporate them into my hats somehow, but now i realize i don't want to. because now that i have seen these things, i really have no idea how i could attach them in a way that would be stable. i couldn't have known this without actually buying these things so i could see them up close. so i guess it was a live and learn thing.

you'd be surprised what a person will pay for bird's nests and wasp's nests. you'd be surprised what *I* paid for them.

god, i'm weird.but i love that i am.

but now, here i am with these things and what do i do with them? sell them on ebay or throw them away?

why aren't there more weird girls like me who want to come over and take these treasures away from me and do something with them? why do all the weird girls who want these things live in other states and other countries which means i then have to box it and mail it?

please, dearest universe, oh please, send some arty girls my way who want these things before i throw them in the trash!

next thing to go through, my sock pile and my nylons pile. i have at least 6 billion pairs of socks and at least 7 billion pairs of nylons. why god why? i know why, because i was going to sew the nylons into these cool patchwrk dresses. that is why. r maybe i can cut them u and crochet them. maybe i can cut up and crochet my entire apartment. i've thought about it. even cutting the books and magazines up and crocheting those.

the last frontier will be my vintage clothes. i keep keeping them because they are all one of a kind and irreplaceable.
but if i never wear 95% of it, when WHY oh WHY do i care that it's irreplaceable?

if one of my irreplaceable pieces of clothing gets ruined or lost or i sell it or give it away or whatever...WHY would i WANT to replace it if i NEVER EVER WEAR IT? what is my deal? is that even remotely logical??

but still, i'm NOT going to be able to give any of my clothes away until i find some tiny faerie girl who will actually fit into this stuff and doesn't mind and in fact LOVES that it all has rips and holes in it. punk rock.

i don't know, i could go on and on and on like this for hours, listing to you all the boxes i have yet to sort through and sulk and whine and discuss it's contents with you. but i think i am done typing about this for today.

i'm just typing about this because i'm really antsy and pmsy and i'm not tired enough to sleep but i don't have enough energy or brain power to tackle anything else.

garbly garbly gook.

in the future someone needs to invent a transporter type thing where you stick in the stuff you want to give away and POOF it's gone and it automaticallt gets transported to a person who wants it. i can then dial in what i DO want and get THAT for free because someone else on the other side of the planet gave it away through this machine.
can u imagine how wonderful a thing like that would be?

ebay is ALMOST like that, except that it does not automatically transport it and you have to pay for it.

 

 

9:55pm

so now if i can at least get floor space in the "thing room" i will have some room to set up my musical equipment that is collecting dust in there. in a way, i want to sell all my instruments and buy all new ones, just to have all new energy for making all new music.

all my instruments kind of have this bad vibe to them , a bit, from all that happened with me and the music industry.
they kind of remind me of when i felt obligated to do music, not just wanting to do it for the joy of it.

but maybe i can do some little cleansing ritual over my instruments or something later on to shake all the bad juju in them out.

 

9:51pm

i have pms up the wazoo.

9:43pm

so, donating my books to the library was $400 tax deductable.
that rules the universe!

everyone should donate their books to the library!

9:39pm

oh fuck it. it's just not worth me focusing my energy there.
what-ev-er. fuck.

9:09pm

there are some ana2 members who are posting ana2 only pictures on the internet which is really NOT COOL AT ALL. (it's not even cool to do it with anacam pictures).

so whoever you are STOP IT. it is very disrespectful!

you abuse my hospitality by putting up MY pictures which are ONLY for THIS private place.

if you want me to continue to show you explicit sexual things, or even nudity, then DON'T make me feel used and taken advantage of by posting what i, goodnaturedly, give to you here. because if i am going to feel like i am going to be taken advantage of every time i open up and show you private things, i will stop showing you private things altogether.

i can't believe you would disrespect me and my business like this.

rest assured, if you continue to abuse my hospitality, i will ban you from ana2.

save my photos for YOURSELF and your own private viewing. don't be posting MY stuff all over the internet without even having the DECENCY to ask my permission, at LEAST, first.

and i don't CARE if even some of my photos were put outside of ana2, that doesn't give you the right to post them on your webpage without my permission! i am usually cool with people posting pix, but i am really not ok with people posting them without asking me FIRST.

so to you who are doing this, i am giving you the choice to now email me and ASK me.

if you don't do it, then i will demand you take down the pictures of me on your site.

so you better email me ASAP, while you still have this window of opportunity to make ammends with me and apologize and ask my permission.

 

4:46pm

ok, that was about 1/2 of my books.
i don't know if i can deal with getting rid of any more books today.
that is all i can emotionally deal with.

must eat something now. take a quick bath. we leave at 6pm to go to the library.

and then i am going to sell most of my fetish erotic books blah blah.
i don't know if the library wants those, so...i won't be bringing those!

3:53pm

i will list all the books here that i am donating to the library so that i can remember the titles of them and go check them out if i really feel the need to finally read them, or read them again:

a new history of photography edited by michel frizot
memoirs of a geisha
the wrinkle cure by nicholas perricone
skin deep by diana wagman
denial of the soul by m. scott peck
the women's spirituality book by diane steine
evidence by luc sante
pornography and silence by susan griffin
the irrepressible toy dog by darlene arden
transforming a rape culture by buchwald, fletcher, roth
pink floyd shine on
fair use by negativland (sorry, mark, but i must pass on the goodness to other people!)
butterflies of the night by lisa louis
women's ways of knowing
unweaving the rainbow by richard dawkins
in a different voice by carol gilligan
mother wit by diane mariechild
knitting with dog hair by kendall crolius and anne montgomery
harem, the world behind the veil by alev lytle croutier
sex work, writings by women in the sex industry
live sex acts by wendy chapkis
the gift of fear by gavin de becker
women of wisdom by tsultrim allione
annotations to finnegans wake by roland mchugh
chado the japanese way of tea, by soshitsu sen
a bright red scream by marilee strong
cheap novelties by ben katchor
la divine comtesse
the narcissistic family by stephanie donaldson-pressman
the white goddess by robert graves
a skeleton key to finnegans wake campbell and robinson
crazy diamond, syd barrett by mike watkinson
the art of happines by the dalai lama
ee cummings is 5
making faces kevyn aucoin
the art of make up by kevyn aucoin
radical fashion by claire wilcox
erte's theatrical costumes
desert by chritoph heidelauf
the tea ceremony by sendo tanaka
pine needle basketry by judy mofield mallow
the face of our past edited by kathlenn thompson
the book about moomin, mimble and little my by jove jansson
seeing with the mind's eye by mike and nancy samuels
food of the gods by terence mckenna
pharmacotheon by jonathon ott
i am spock by leaonard nimoy
the melancholy death of oyster boy by tim burton
women, sex, and rock and roll by liz evans
orlando by virginia woolf
the nature of personal reality by jane roberts ( i have 2 copies)
dr atkins new diet revolution

3:47pm

jason and i are going to go to the library and donate many of our books.
this will be great because if ever i need one of the books back to read or look at, i can go get it from the library.
(but i never check out books from the libray, but maybe i will syart doing that if i give up my books! who knows...)
this is really hard for me to do. i keep a hold of SO MANY books "just in case" augh.
i'm getting rid of maybe almost all my angry feminist books because i never read them because i get just way too upset and riled up when i read them. i just find it way too depressing to read about rape culture and all the ways in which women are oppressed and fucked over. i live it every day...i don't feel much like reading about it, too, these days.

11:58am

ok, to look at the positive side of things:

i thank the universe that i have enough money in my bank account right now to pay my rent AND pay that $75 fine and STILL have $ left over to pay my electric bill, too. and i have lots of food in my fridge, too. thank you!

thank you universe for my infinite abundance and for always taking care of my needs.

 

11:42am

GODAMMIT!
i was so preoccupied yesterday i forgot to pay rent. and now i had to pay a $75 late fee.

fuckinggodammittohell.

that is SO much money to me. $%^^$$%$%!!! i feel so stupidly angry with myself.

i'm trying to hard to get my shit together. and come up with money. and i do something stupid like that?
what the fuck??? argh...breathe breathe breathe let it go let it go let it goooooooo.....

arrrgggghhh...

breathe breathe breathe let it go let it go......

 

argh................................

11:28am

oh ya, i think i know what some of those cords were for that i threw out.
oh blarg. but now that i am becoming more organized i will be able to arrange things more efficiently so i know what cords are what and go to what.

it's super grey and rainy today.
i have a suspicion it will be hard to get moving today an stay motivated, especially since i did so much yesterday, i feel like taking it a bit more slowly.

but i have so much to do...