july 5th, 2004
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11:59pm

and one more or several more things...

getting rid of stuff for me is hard, also, because if of the family i grew up in.
i received mixed messages. on one hand, i received the message that one should use everything up until it has every last ounce of usefulness used up. it took my dad almost 25 years to buy a new couch he had bought with my mother on 1976. he still has all the old cracked and chipped dishes that we all use when we were a family back in the 70's. i also learn from him a lot in this way because we are a culture who tends to be incredibly wasteful, but at the same time, there has to be a balance, and you must surround yourself with things that vibrate a frequency that is you NOW, not you THEN.

my mother has a balance, sort of...she buys and buys and buys...and then gives the extra set of dishes to me., over and over again...being that i was poor, i took them all....i love her for constantly moving on to new things, tho, at least in the physical world. she has it partly right and my dad has it partly right. i love the views they both give me, both in their "mistakes" and in their "right on that is IT!"s.

on the other hand, my grandmother, my father's mother, was a tough 100% swede. she was the wife of a farmer. her parents had come to america on the boat. talk about giving up EVERYTHING for something new.
anyway, she was never emotional, and i had my baby blanket (which i STILL have!) and one day she cornered me at age 6 or so and let me know it was time to get rid of my security blanket telling me with this very wicked gleam in her eye that "we should go burn it now behind the barn!" (i'll never forget that look in her eye).
well, i hid behind the rocking chair and just sobbed and clutched my blanket. no way was she about to burn alive the sentient being which was my blankie and sole protector. i'll never forget that and it made a huge impression on me. it's probably the very reason i still have my blanket today. and maybe even one the the biggest reasons i never parted with anything. it was a defining moment.
it would be the 1st time i would say a huge resounding "NO! SCREW YOU!" to an authourity figure.

she burned EVERYTHING behind the barn, generations of family photos, her wedding dress, everything....
i took it upon myself to try and save every thing i could from her fires... and even stuff from other people's families.
if she would burn my entire heritage, i'd find other people's family photos to keep as some sort of karmic homage to them.
i didn't even know them but i vowed to "never forget them". just keep them alive SOMEHOW.

this has been my silent burden and torch i have been trying to keep alive.
to never let anything die. to never forget anything. to honour all lives.
to feel a part of SOMETHING. SOME family. SOME heritage.
and in doing so, hoping my life would be, karmically, also honoured and not forgottten.

but why? (that is a long answer)
i accept the inevitable destruction of all things now.
not in a depressing way, buit in the way that all things must end, and that is ok, and that is good. and that is just the way it is.
so...suck it up and move on. nothing really dies, it just moves on.

i hate life for this. but i love it equally as well for it.

 

11:45pm

the clutter test:

(example from karen kingston's book "clear your clutter with feng shui")

ask yourself these questions when you pick up the objects in your house and ask youself "does it stay or does it go?"

1. does it lift my energy when i think about it or look at it?
2. do i absolutely love it?
3. is it genuienly useful?

if the answer is not a resounding yes to all these, then what is it doing in your life?

11:03pm

i'm feeling a lot better, i RULE over my stuff. my stuff does not rule over me!
i am so proud of myself!

when i get rid of stuff, i will have so much room to breathe, to DANCE, to LIVE.

i'm excited :) i've wanted to do this for years!

side note:

green beans with salt and butter= happiness.

i finished the karen kingston clearing clutter book and ordered her 1st one about feng shui now (used). maybe someday i will even become a feng shui practitioner. who knows?

 

7:36pm

i feel better now that i ate a tiny bit of something. gonna take a bath, too.
i have to remember to take things in bite size chunks. i look at how much i have left to do, and taken as a whole, it overwhelms me. i must be happy with the progress i have made, and just keep taking things in small managable chunks.

i even went through all my dishes and got rid of all these things like potato mashers and what not. things i never use but just inherited.
made myself have less pots and pans and bowls and knnives. how many knives does a person need? and i certainly did not need 3 frying pans.

and then i got rid of the entire box of cords i have. cords to things that who knows what they are for. extra telephone cords. extra everything. who needs it?

 

6:15pm

all i've been doing all day is going through stuff, getting rid of stuff, bringing the boxes downstairs to the recycling room.
i got rid of so much stuff i actually feel sick to my stomache. this is so hard for me to do. but i HAVE to do it. i WANT to do it.
the hardest thing for me, today, was getting rid of a painting that my grandmother painted of my mom and dad, a wedding portrait of them.

but she painted in it such a way that both of them just look very sad and actually kind of ill, and my parents did get divorced, and so it was not exactly the happiest painting for me to lok at. but god, it was so hard to get rid of it i feel seriously ill. but i do not want to hold on to things like this anymore. things that have painful connotations. connotations of things that didn't work out, and weren't meant to be. keeping the painting as some sort of torch to my parents won't bring them back together again. i'm just hanging on to something never never really was, in a way.

god, this is so fucking hard. but i am really proud of myself for doing this.
and no, in the end, i will feel the freeing aspects of this. but right now i just feel mournful and i feel loss.

and even tho i brought down about 4 or 5 shopping carts worth of stuff down there, my house doesn't seem much emptier.
and in fact, the places where stuff IS gone, looks rather plain and dull and depressing.
and also it accentuated all the other stuff i have left to sort through. the hardest is yet to come, i think.
as i will be faced with going through boxes and boxes of childhood things. i have every single report card i ever got. i mean, every single one. i have EVERY single birthday card my parenst EVER gave me.
and i want to get rid of these things.

when my parents die, having every birthday card they ever gave me won't ever bring them back to life. and that is just the way it is. and that is a tough pill to swallow.

it's so hard to sort through my life, and part with things i no longer need.
but all this old energy has GOT to go. i want it to go and i'm ready for it to go.

i have to concentrate on how much energy this si going t free up for me for the future.
i have a tendency to linger too much in the past and wallow there.

i'm ready for the adventures, new ideas.

but ya, this is brutal for me.

1:30pm

12:31pm

by that, i mean, getting rid of a lot of my stuff and getting all feng shui, i think is going to have a dramatic effect on my life :)
even yesterday, out of nowhere, jason started tackling his closest and is getting rid of TONS of clutter, too!

4:47am

so much to say.

i think one of my biggest metamorphosis is around the corner. a huge a change. a new way of life.
i'm excited and scared.