july 3rd, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

i did something good today. i wrote to an enemy of mine who use to be a friend and who now is my friend AGAIN.

i was/am against the war in iraq, as u know, i am against killing innocent civilians.
but one of my fave artists, believed the media hype and got really riled in my journal about me being against the war and well, he ended up saying some very horrible things about me that weren't even true. and it was weird, but all my lj "enemies" rushed out of nowhere to his side and really, it was the beginning of the end, for me, of lj. that is the very moment i started to really get burned and just retreat in a huge way (and then my mom sealed it). i was never quite the same after that slam on me. i'd been slammed before, but from someone i respected that much? it really hurt me more than i care to even ackowledge. davmo and i were never "buddy buddy" but, i really adore his paintings, i think he is a BRILLIANT artist, and i just couldn't understand..well...i still don't and i just won't even go there. but i do have about 6 of his paintings that i have never been able to hang on my wall because of that.

anyway, much time has gone by now, over a year.
last night, i write to him:

"peace offering.

i wonder if you'd like to make up yet?
from out stupid misunderstanding....

i offer my hand open for a handshake.

life's too short....

miss u....
ana"

and he writes back:

"Hello Ana,

You know I have felt badly for some time now for things that I had said
toward you. I was wrong. I felt ashamed and I just never had the guts to email you
an apology which I should have done long ago.

It is very nice that you have sent me this email. I really appreciate it. It
indeed shows that you are a very nice and sincere person.

I am glad that you have offered your handshake and I if I could I would give
you a great big hug for you because you are much bigger person that me.

I don't know if you knew it or not but after all this time I still check in
on you at your journal to see what you are up to these days. I just wished I
would have came forward first to say that I was sorry. I missed you too.

my sincerest thanks,

your friend

davmo"

 

and i have to say that just made my day.
i don't know how it is that i set aside my intense humilation and hate because of it...
and my fear for so many reaons...but i did...
and this is what the world needs to do AT LEAST.
i am proud that i made that illogical effort. and that my effort was met and reciprocated with respect.
and , davmo and i will never see eye to on on MANY MANY MANY important issues of our day,
but goddammit, i don't want to add to the hate in the universe.
if there is hope for davmo and i to live in peace, then there is hope, period.

this makes me so damn happy.

this is a beginning...of something....

spread it.

and now i can hang his paintings on my wall without a great feeling of loss/anger sadness. and this is a beginning....

 

11:51pm

i know when the apocalypse comes, i won't be eating extra sweet strawberries while watching riverboats go by.
i will treasure these moments forever.

thank you.

8:38pm

today has been an excellent day. i am in one of my "life rules more than anything" moments.
i live a life of luxury. what depresses me is that it could be ripped away from my any second. but that is the hazard of having something is that you could lose it.
but in this moment, life is grand.
i have an amazing view outside my window. everyday i praise the universe that i somehow managed to get this apartment with the view i have. i mean, it brings me so much joy, i cannot even tell you.
even on rainy days, it is so gorgeous. i can see for miles and miles. i can view the mississippi river.
the "taste of minnesota" is going on right now, and steamboats or paddleboats or river boats or what you call those boats fom 100 years ago that remind you of mark twain have been going up river all day.
i'm not a huge fan of them, buut just the fact that i can actually watch this from my window is just a source of great amazement to me. i feel like i have actaully gone back in time, especially since many of the buildings around me are also from that time.
and then an amazing old fashioned black train went by, which took me absolutely by surprise. those big beautiful sexy trains with the thick black smoke pluming from it, and the steam cascading out of it's sides. and it did it's multitoned whistle which really just hit me to the core of my being when i heard it. hearing it echo down the valley and off the cliffs and off the buildings, it struck a chord in me from the past that i did not know was there at such a deep level that i actually had to do everything in my power not to break down and sob for the feeling of nostalgia and longing and sadness just overtook my entire being.
i will still be thinking about that for quite some time. i wonder what it is about me and trains that it has that powerful of an effect on me. but i have always had a really big thing for those big black trains, and i have drawn them as symbols in many drawings before and it is always connected with a feeling of longing/sadness/sex/death for me.
i have no idea why. (well, entirely why)

but hearing that whistle and the steam, in real life in real time, wow, it just blew me away and struck me at such a deep level.

 

more later....

7:06pm

i've been reading my feng shui book all day and i am so inspired by it :)
and jason lent me a dvd player he doesn't use, so now i can watch dvds! yippee!

i have so much to write it about but i don't feel like writing yet. must write about the things i've learned about my clutter, and also about the old time train today whose sound made me cry, the steamboats, and the magical blue fish.

12:27pm

i hate how i always wake up so incredibly nervous.

3:25am

*hiccup*

3:06am

when i make my new music cd, it's going to be so intense and kick soooo much ass :)

2:51am

i always feel on the edge of creation and destruction both at the same time, almost.
it's such a fine line.

1:26am

i keep swinging back and forth from contentment and joy and being excited about everything this life has to offer and wanting to live forever, to swinging to feeling like everything is pointless and feeling extremely discontent about everything and greatly depressed and just wanting to die, all within 10 minutes time. and over and over and over this goes.

i can't figure out what on earth is the deal with this or how to rectify it. but it's driving me nuts.

something feels "wrong". but then it all feels right again moments later.